by Leddy Harper
He buried himself over and over, teasing the spot inside me that no one had ever found before. Not that I’d had many partners, but of the ones I did have, it’d remained undiscovered. Until Holden. He’d found it and continued to stroke it with each and every thrust.
“Don’t stop,” I begged, wrapping my arms and legs around him in an effort to drive him deeper, urging him to move faster, pushing me toward the explosion he’d sparked. “I need you…right there.”
He had one arm behind my back and one holding my hip. In a swift move I didn’t expect, he maneuvered his arm up just enough to wrap his fingers around my shoulder to keep me from sliding up the bed every time he propelled himself inside me. He snaked his other arm under my leg, locking my bent knee in the crook of his elbow, and then he leaned slightly onto his side. It had to have been the combination of the angle and having developed more control over my body, but within a few seconds, I was ready to shatter and could no longer hold on.
A long, pleading whimper ripped through my throat as I lingered on the peak, and the second I fell over the precipice, gripping him with every muscle within my body, the whimper turned into a full-blown cry of ecstasy. Before I finished riding out the wave, his gruff words filled my ear. “I’m coming.” And they took me higher, prolonging my orgasm, and strengthening the hold I had on him.
The part I dreaded when being with Holden was when he rolled off me. Even though he remained inside me and we lay wrapped in a twisted knot of arms and legs, I hated not feeling his weight on top of me. Without him over me, the air cooled and I felt less protected.
Holden was more than my hero.
He was my cape—he could send me flying while cloaking me in refuge all at once.
And it made me even more worried about what would happen to me if it were suddenly taken away.
18
Holden
I tapped my fingers on the manila envelope on the table while staring at Janelle in the seat across from me. I had no idea how she’d react to this, but it was too late to take it back now. “I was going to give you this weeks ago, but then you got sick. So I waited until you were better, but then obviously, I got a little sidetracked. And after our talk last night and our decision to see where this goes between us without time limits—”
“Except the limit set by the show,” she corrected.
I rolled my eyes. Like I’d be able to forget about the show. “Yes, except that one…I thought this would be the perfect time to give you this.” I slid the folder across the table, practically holding my breath, and waited for her reaction.
It was not what I had wanted, but everything I had expected. “I told you I can’t afford this place. And now that I’m not sure if I’ll get that money, I really can’t afford it. Why would you do this?” She waved the signed lease papers in the air.
“And like I told you, don’t worry about it. You told your family you were staying with me while you got on your feet. You’ve been here two months, and now you could end up being here for another eight or nine—or more.” I reached across the table and grabbed her hand. “You don’t have to work if you don’t want to, but it’s obvious how excited you are about doing something you love. I just wanted to give you every opportunity.”
“I know, and I love that you did this for me, Holden. I really do. But that doesn’t mean I can snap my fingers and suddenly pay for it. When we talked about this before, back when we looked at storefronts, you were aware I planned to use what I got from the show to cover it.”
I got up and moved to the chair next to her. Then I pulled her into my lap where I secured her in place with my arms wrapped tightly around her waist. “I wish you’d stop looking at things in terms of dollar signs. Marriage shouldn’t be about money. And you opening your own business should only be about you accomplishing what you’ve set out to do. So let me worry about the lease and rent for now. We are married, Janelle. Let me take care of this for you like any husband would.”
She stiffened in my lap and her rigid posture concerned me.
“Baby, talk to me. What’s wrong?”
After a harsh swallow and long exhale, she finally shifted to look me in the eyes. “I get that we are technically married, and we are intimate, and behind closed doors, we behave like any regular couple. But I can’t stop worrying about what will happen if this doesn’t work out. Because now, it’s more than just signing the papers and me packing my bags. Now it’s a binding two-year lease on a place to house my business. That goes beyond just breaking up and into the territory of an actual divorce.”
I traced invisible lines on her back to provide comfort, knowing she needed it. “Don’t worry about all that right now. I would never screw you over. Even in the event you decide tomorrow that I’m not what you want and you’d rather be with One-Pump, there’s not a chance in hell I would do anything to hurt you.”
She wrapped her arms around my shoulder and hovered her lips over mine. “I’m not worried about me being screwed over. I’m more concerned with you getting the raw end of the deal.”
Growing up, I had always been told by my mom and teachers that I was such a smart, bright kid, but I never applied myself enough. At the time, I didn’t think about the true meaning behind those comments. And even though they were right about some of my abilities, they were completely wrong about my thought process. It wasn’t until some much-needed self-discovery that I realized I overanalyzed everything. I picked everything apart until I was left with the tiniest pieces. Rather than break away the outer shell to discover the answer, my method was to dismantle the entire thing. It didn’t matter what it was, a math equation, work issue, or life problem, I picked it apart to the point where even the truth was destroyed.
Which is exactly how I’d dealt with Janelle.
When she had come to me—actually, she’d gone to Matt, but he wasn’t home so she’d settled for me—I’d thought that meant something. So, four months later when she came up with the amazing idea to get hitched by Elvis in Vegas since we were already there, I saw it as a romantic moment. One we would retell while living the rest of our lives together, completely in love. Looking back on it, I had given our love for one another too much credibility. That night, I analyzed the pieces I wanted to see, while ignoring the blatant red flags that waved frantically in front of my face. The events that led up to our marriage and those that quickly followed should’ve told me everything I needed to know. And when she’d come back to me, showing up on my doorstep and asking for a divorce, I should’ve seen those fucking red flags billowing in the wind. But once again, I saw only what I wanted to see. Had I stopped at any point during our time together to evaluate the starting image, the one from before Vegas, I might’ve seen it all.
But I never did.
Instead, I took a blind leap of faith and dove in headfirst, without a doubt in sight.
I didn’t actually take a step back until the following week at the office.
Matt barged in without knocking and took a seat across from me. He relaxed into it with his elbows on the armrests and his ankle propped on his knee. There was something in the easy way he sat there that told me this was the news I’d been waiting a lifetime to hear.
“Spill it.” I turned away from my computer and crossed my arms on my desk.
“Spill what? I have no idea what you’re talking about. I just came in here to see my best friend, find out how he’s doing, maybe see if he wanted to go grab lunch with me while Ronnie takes messages for us. You know…nothing out of the ordinary.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at him. We rarely went out for lunch together because it seemed we had too much to do in the office. If anything, we’d order in and sit together in the conference room while going over a mountain of paperwork. Not only that, but I couldn’t contain my enjoyment at seeing his smile. It reminded me so much of Janelle’s when she seemed so full of excitement I thought she’d burst.
“I have no problem doing that. I’d be happy to grab a bite to eat, but ma
ybe you should go ahead and tell me the good news now. I don’t think I can hide my surprise until noon.”
Matt feigned confusion with a tilted head, gaping mouth, and dramatically knitted brow.
“We’ve been friends since before we hit puberty, Matt. And if that doesn’t mean anything, maybe I should remind you that we lived together for four years, then opened this place together, and I was best man at your wedding. If you seriously think I’ve been blind to your repetitive tardies, long lunches, stressed attitude, and the repressed hope you’ve had bottled up over the last few months, then you’re a moron.”
His fake confusion turned to genuine shock. “You knew?”
“Well, not at first. I had an idea, but there was one other time late last year I thought so, as well, and that didn’t pan out. So I figured I’d keep waiting and see if anything changed. I mean, if all went well, you’d eventually say something to me. Right?”
“Maybe we’re talking about the wrong thing…” He eyed me suspiciously.
“It’s possible, but I doubt it. Every four weeks on the dot you either come in late or take a long lunch, and every time, you expect beforehand that it’ll happen and you let me know—the same thing you did the two times Christine was pregnant, and you went with her to the appointments. That in itself isn’t overly telling considering I’m aware you two have gone to see multiple doctors for other reasons, but it was enough to take an educated guess. And then there’s the way you snap at Ronnie leading up to those secret appointments, and afterward when you finally make it back to the office, you’re so pleasant to be around. It doesn’t take a genius to guess what’s going on.”
“You seriously figured all that out by watching me?”
“Don’t make it sound like that. Don’t cheapen what we have or dirty it with insinuations of obsession and stalking.” I pretended to flip the hair I didn’t have and then crossed my arms over my chest, giving him the best impression of an offended woman as I could. “Most people would kill to have a man like me in their life, watching them, making sure they were all right. But you don’t even seem to be grateful.”
Laughing beneath his breath, Matt threw a pencil at me.
“That could’ve poked my eye out. I’m not sure what kind of Worker’s Comp claims are typical at an accounting firm, but a pencil to the eye probably isn’t one that’s seen often.”
“I don’t think it can be fairly assessed as to how often it gets seen…I mean, they’d be missing an eye right? I’m sure visibility is lowered at that point.” We both shared a good laugh, one I hadn’t had with him in a while. After the hilarity lessened, he asked, “So now that you know, you still want to have lunch with me?”
I leaned back in my chair and shook my head. “I don’t know anything, because you have yet to tell me anything.”
“Good. Then I’ll tell you at lunch.” He got up and headed for the door.
“Pick me up around eleven thirty?” I teased with my voice high and flirty.
Matt stood with the doorknob in his grip, his upper body turned to face me, and a smile stretched across his mouth. “Yeah, but I’m not bringing you flowers.”
“That’s fine. But don’t expect me to put out.”
He laughed again, and just when I thought he’d open the door and leave, he relaxed his stance and said, “Christine’s pregnant.” His voice quivered, his words sounding on the edge of tears. I’d only seen the man cry twice—when he’d seen Christine walk down the aisle, and when they lost their first baby. “I’m going to be a dad.”
“Congrats, Matt. You’ll be the best. No doubt about it.”
I really wanted to run over to him, hug the life out of him, show him exactly how ecstatic I was for him, but my feet wouldn’t move. That didn’t at all mean I wasn’t happy or didn’t care to celebrate with him. It signified the enormity of the situation, the delicacy, and it expressed how grateful I was to the universe for this. If anyone deserved this kind of happiness, it was Matt—and obviously, Christine.
Once the door closed behind him, and I was left alone in the silence of my office, I couldn’t help but think about the future and what I wanted out of it. It was obvious Matt was getting everything he could possibly want and deserve, and I couldn’t be happier for him. But that happiness made me reexamine my own life. It made me think about what I wanted for myself. What would make me happy and would it even be possible to achieve that level of contentment.
For years, my focus had been the accounting firm. Any goal I’d set had to do with my business, and in the grand scheme of things, they were rather short term. Aside from the brief moment in time when I thought I had a future with Janelle, I’d never thought about the long term.
The realization suddenly hit me—I wanted that, too.
Maybe Matt becoming a dad put things into perspective for me, since we were the same age. Maybe it was having Janelle at the house and getting a taste of what life would be like with her as my wife. Whatever the reason, I couldn’t stop myself from imagining my life years from now, and what I ultimately wanted.
Without a doubt, I was certain I wanted Janelle by my side. I wanted her to take my last name, for real this time. And I knew I wanted her to carry my children. As many as she’d give me. I wanted it all, and I wanted it with her. The Sunday dinners with our kids and grandkids coming to our house while she heated up frozen lasagna in the oven—although, the more we had cooked together, the better she’d gotten at it.
My sudden awareness overwhelmed me.
And now I needed to figure out what to do about it.
“There’s no time for that, Holden.” Janelle smirked at me through the mirror while she got ready for dinner. Matt and Christine had invited us all over to their house to share and celebrate their good news.
I moved to stand behind her, my hands on the bathroom vanity on either side of her waist, trapping her in. With my chin on her shoulder, I locked gazes with her in the mirror. “I can be fast. You don’t even have to stop putting on your makeup.”
She snickered and shoved me away with her shoulder. I took a step back and observed my sink area—the one that used to have next to nothing on it. Now, her soaps and lotions filled the corner, and her toothbrush joined mine in the cup to the side.
“Do you know why they’ve asked everyone to come over tonight?” She finished swiping on her gloss and smacked her lips in the mirror. When she found my eyes again, she turned around and perched herself on the edge of the vanity. “You do know, don’t you? Spill it. Is it what I think it is?”
“Depends…what do you think it is?”
She waved me off with an infectious giggle. “Doesn’t matter. I have a pretty good idea. I mean, why else would they ask the entire family over to their house at the same time?”
Grabbing her by the hips, I moved her farther onto the granite and then fit myself between her parted thighs. I glanced down and took in her outfit, loving the long skirt. This wasn’t her typical attire, but realizing how easily accessible it made her, I wanted to stock her closet full of skirts just like this one. Then a thought crossed my mind and made me still my movements—I didn’t want her clothes in any other closet than mine. Ever.
As my fingertips skimmed the outside of her soft legs, I caressed her cheek with mine and closed my eyes, taking it all in. I wanted nothing more than to tell her everything, confess my love for her and beg her to stay forever. I wanted to confess how I felt and the things I wished for our future. But I knew I had to wait. We’d been through so much over the years, going all the way back to before Vegas, and I needed to warm her up to the idea of a real forever with me. So I bit my tongue and hummed while slowly dragging her skirt up, baring her to me.
“Really, Holden.” My name was barely a whisper on her tongue. Her words said one thing, but her tone conveyed another—her mounting desires. “We don’t have time. We’ll be late if you keep this up.”
“Do you really want me to stop?”
“No,” she breathed out. And ra
ther than say anything else, she unbuttoned my pants and slid down the zipper. “But I need more than you just getting me off by touching me. I need you inside me. Fuck me, Holden.”
Her boldness fueled me. I yanked her off the vanity, causing her to yelp in surprise. But I didn’t pause. I spun her around and held her by her shoulder, pressing into her until she caught herself with her hands on the granite, facing the mirror. I didn’t even bother to drop my pants and remove her skirt. I simply bunched the fabric over her ass, pulled her thong to the side, and lined myself up with her entrance. One thrust and I was deep inside, her warm heat embracing me. It took everything in me to not come right then.
Her face flushed, and her mouth dropped open, but that didn’t stop her from watching it all in the mirror. The one thing I hated was not being able to see her fingers work over her clit due to the skirt hiding it from view. But other than that, it was perfection. And when she squeezed me with her orgasm, I gave her everything I had, filling her with every drop, and in the back of my mind, I couldn’t stop the thought of one day impregnating her.
We both stood there, weak and breathless, trying to regain our strength to finish getting ready. After a few minutes, I kissed her shoulder and left her in the bathroom to clean up while I went into the kitchen for a glass of water.
And I would take back that decision in a second if it was possible.
As I stood leaning against the countertop, gulping down the cool liquid, her phone chimed in front of me. Normally, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. I wouldn’t have looked at it or even wondered who it was or what they wanted. But with the way it was angled, I couldn’t miss his name as it lit up the screen. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I couldn’t miss what he said: Did he fall for it?
It took full minutes, which felt like hours, to pick up her phone and unlock the screen. I didn’t want to, for numerous reasons. I wanted to trust her, to believe she hadn’t lied. I also wanted to live in the fantasy I’d created in my mind, if only for a little longer. I’d fallen in love with the picture I’d easily painted, the one of us years and years from now with an entire family built off love and trust and devotion.