Bethany and I talked a lot for the next few hours on the road. She was certain we had covered all our tracks but I kept coming back to the “what if?” question. Finally, conveying her frustration at my paranoia she said, “Jennifer now you look here. After the police and fire department sift through the charred house all they will find is the blackened skeletal remains of Vincent and his “wife.” The authorities already think he was a wacko neo-Nazi and they’ll just assume he blew himself up playing with his weapons! Case closed!”
As I continued to drive it seemed both of us were escaping into the unknown. Bethany was finally free of Vincent. I wondered how that would change her; would she continue living part of her life in a fantasy now that Vincent was dead? Could she wind up going deeper…into some sort of psychosis or suffer a breakdown if all the demons of her past suddenly emerged and demanded to be dealt with? And in her world would I remain Jennifer?
Of course, I had a lot I would have to deal with as well. For one thing, as we travelled down that lonely desert road I felt the urge to find out how things had changed back in my former life. Maybe I was more curious than anything else. The question ran through my mind though…the nagging question of whether I still connected to Matt and Nicole in some way. What was weird though was a sudden epiphany that while part of me wanted them back I realized I did not need them anymore. It was as if some wizard in my sub conscious tapped me on the shoulder and gave me this insight. I was setting off on an adventure that could have so many different outcomes and I had someone to share it with. So was I willing to abandon everything…my lovers, family and my education for the unknown? At that particular moment the answer was a most definite yes!
Yet still...my children came to mind. Part of me realized that I missed them tremendously. While in the artificial environment Vincent had forced upon me, a creation of his own twisted imagination, it was easy to repress my yearnings of motherhood. Could that have been because I had assumed the role of a child? Yet now…what was I? I had to find out. I looked at Bethany, dosing next to me, and wondered...maybe someday she might be open to my having a couple of children? How weird was that I wonder; knowing I was mother to three adorable children yet willing to erase them from my life and replace them with new children…and again bringing life into an unconventional family situation.
The question of whether Vincent had been truthful about Matt and Nicole continued to haunt my mind. One thing was for sure, in order to fully appreciate my newfound freedom I would have to eventually find out. As Bethany awoke I asked, “Is my old cell phone in the trunk?” She rose up and adjusted her seat, “No, it’s right here.” She opened the glove compartment and pulled it out. She noted, “There is no charge left. We can buy a charger later if you like.” I detected a slight concern in her voice which I tried to counter, “No problem. I just wanted to check my bank account, that’s all.” She seemed to buy the lie. Holding my phone actually increased my curiosity so much that it seemed it was killing me! I figured I could buy a charger once we were in Boise. I really did have to know!
Bethany lit a cigarette and asked how I was doing. She said she could drive a while but I liked getting re-acquainted with the power to control my car again. I was still extremely alert but I was getting hungry, so we decided to pull off at some little hamburger shop outside of La Grande.
It was sort of strange at first getting out of the car wearing the style of clothing Bethany had bought me. I had long heels, no stockings. As I stood I realized just how short my skirt was yet when I tried to pull it down a bit the distance from my piercing and the top of the skirt seemed far too long. My top was more a push-up bra than any sort of shirt. Yet for some reason I found myself adapting fast to the new persona. I shut the door, leaned against the car and lit a cigarette. As Bethany motioned for me to follow her I brushed my hair back and basically strutted towards the benches outside the diner. I was happy it was a warm day, and while Bethany went in to get food for us I sat back and let the rays of the sun bathe the skin on my exposed body. I looked around and noticed a guy eating with his wife and kids. His eyes were fixed on me, and while in the past I would have merely ignored his stare, or been angry, I toyed with the new image by looking straight back at him and smiling. I noticed the discomfort it seemed to cause for him and thought to myself that maybe I could develop a more seductive side of myself and have some fun in the process. It was not as if I was trying to pick up on this guy, but the idea that I might have the power to do so felt exciting.
Just then Bethany came out and handed me my meal. I looked over at the gentleman again and noticed that he was trying to avoid me. Perhaps he was afraid his wife would notice, or that Bethany was my mother. Just to play with the poor guy some more I waited until Bethany was looking the other direction and then decided to adjust my top in such a way that I would draw more attention to the contents. I looked back at him and flirted with my eyes and, at that moment, he accidentally spilt his milkshake. I pretended to look away as his wife scolded him for getting her all messed up and ruining her french fries. I took a deep breath and sighed, proud of myself for the outcome of the game I had played.
Bethany asked how I was doing. I told her I was fine. She noted, “If we keep this pace we should reach Boise by dinnertime. And when we get there we should try to stay in a really nice hotel since we needed to have good security since we have over three hundred thousand dollars in our trunk, not including the gold. We can go to the bank in the morning.” Then, Bethany sort of answered one of the questions in my mind when she asked, "Jennifer, I know things have been hectic, but shall we have ritual again this evening?" It seemed she was sticking with the identity she had assigned me. What was weird though is that even with being out, being free of the past, she wanted to continue our unique practice...and I was also feeling enthusiastic towards it as well. I giggled, “Maybe you should order me another hamburger so I can have lots of energy.”
By the time we were getting ready to leave a couple of young guys, maybe 18 or 19, had arrived. I decided to continue with my experiment and so I put my foot on the bench and acted as if I were brushing something off my leg. Sure enough I seemed to have no trouble catching their undivided attention. In this case their stares did not escape Bethany's notice. When I started the engine and was backing up she commented, “I noticed the way those young men were looking at you back there. You are really good looking you know.” I thanked her as I turned onto the main raod, but before I could really respond any further she asked, “Do you miss it? I mean, do you miss physical intimacy?” I felt somewhat uncomfortable with her asking this so I decided to act real innocent and shrug my shoulders, “Oh, I don’t know. I suppose I can take it or leave it.” She leaned back and sighed, “I’m not sure you know what you are saying right now. Vincent and I both swore off intimacy years ago, and after a few months of the decision I sort of forgot what it was like. In a few other months I didn’t miss it anymore. Vincent said it was the same for him, so maybe we are, I mean were, just different.” I decided never to tell her of Vincent’s advances on me as she continued, “Look, Jennifer, I want you to know that if you want to once in a while be with a man then it’s okay – you can forget your vows if you want.”
Again, I felt like a young teenager, but with a very liberal parent. I replied, “I’m not really giving that much thought right now. She smiled, “Okay Jennifer, but promise me you will be careful – you know, there are a lot of diseases out there.” I told her she did not have anything to worry about and tried to change the subject. I asked, “So, after Boise where should we go?” She perked up, “Have you ever been to Mt. Rushmore, Yellowstone or Glacier National Park?” I shook my head and answered, “No but all of that sounds fun!” She took my hand and said, “We’ll take care of everything with the bank and then I will go get a check-up with a doctor. Once I get a new prescription for my pills it will be the beginning of our adventure on the open road!”
Once we were out of the desert and more into arid mounta
ins the scenery improved dramatically. The trees on the hillsides were changing color and the river running through the canyon road we were on looked really inviting. I asked if we could pull over and walk around a bit to which Bethany said there was no rush. I found a place to park and we strolled down to the water, all the while keeping an eye on the car. It seemed to be fairly isolated spot, except for a few traces of garbage and I asked, “Up for a little swim?” She folded her arms and shook her head, “You go ahead dear. I just feel really uneasy about leaving the car with all the money unattended,” She slowly went back up the hill and said, “I’ll wait there but you have fun, okay?” I undressed and eased into the cold water. Once I was able to actually swim I felt freer than I had felt the whole time since Portland. In fact, I felt freer than for a very long time – I had no obligations, no real responsibilities – it was like a dream come true. Then, after maybe fifteen minutes I heard the car horn go off. I wondered what was up so I got out and slipped my things on. As I was heading back to the car several elderly fishermen passed by me – Bethany had been trying to warn me in advance.
When we were back on the road Bethany started crying. I asked why and she admitted, “I feel sad over the whole Vincent thing. No, not his fate, he deserved that, but he was trying to kill me! I am not angry with him though. I guess what hurts me is how someone could be so disloyal.” She sighed and leaned back, “All I did for him and he betrayed me. Jennifer please believe me I will never betray you.” I smiled and promised never to hurt her either. At that she sat up and looked at me, “Vincent controlled us both. Tell you what…you can have all the freedom you want…can you at least promise you’ll never leave me?” I gave her my word, “You can count on me to be by your side to the very end.”
Yet even as I assured her I kept thinking of home – not in Hermiston, but in Portland instead. I guess I had convinced myself I was embarking on a new life but my mind was being flooded with more flashbacks to my past – romantic times. I recalled the first time Matt said he loved me near the ocean and our days there, walking on the beach and realizing we were meant for one another. Then I thought of Nicole the day we were married at the waterfall. It was like a scene out of a fairy tale, though a bit unconventional. Out of nowhere I felt the urge to cry. I lied to Bethany, “I’m sorry but I am feeling car sick.” I quickly found a place to pull over and rushed behind some brush. And no sooner than I hid myself I let out a real gusher. I had very, very rarely been so sad over a memory that I could not control my impulses. Yet I could not stop. I really could not repress my feelings so I decided the best thing would be to let them out and maybe I could then close the door behind them. After about five minutes of emotional breakdown I got control of myself and quickly cleaned off my face and returned to the car. Bethany asked, “Can I drive now? All that has happened has probably weakened you. However we are close to Ontario and then it’s only an hour to Boise!” I handed her the keys and she opened my door, “When we get there we can relax as long as we want.”
As she promised we soon crossed the Snake River into Idaho and headed to Boise. It was late afternoon and I was getting really tired, but I was able to keep any sentimental memories from creeping into my mind. Once we entered the city limits Bethany suggested we go into the downtown area and find the nicest-looking hotel. Once we found what she was looking for we headed in and started the process of getting a room. What was odd, however, was the look I was detecting from the female clerk at the desk. She looked at me as if I were some sort of alien. Part of me felt like just screaming out at her, “Hey, you idiot – I happen to have a graduate degree and have co-authored a book in psychology! I also have three kids! What have you ever accomplished?” I did not want to embarrass Bethany but once Bethany had finished and was heading to the elevator with the carry-on I commented to the clerk, “You know, I have stayed in really nice hotels in Tokyo…this is certainly not on par with those places but I guess it will do.” Needless to say she did not look like she believed me but at least it made me feel better to say what I did.
When we had gone to our room we decided to order room service so we did not have to worry about the money. I again asked if the money was traceable in any way and she said it was not – it was merely what Vincent had withdrawn from his inheritance. She fell back onto the bed and in a voice of happiness stated, “We might have enough to buy some property in Montana or northern Idaho if you are still keen on the horse ranch idea. This should get us by for a while; until we can start giving lessons.” She even suggested I could put my writing talents to work and create children’s books about horses – which were quite popular with little girls.
There was a computer in the room so, for the first time in months, I checked the news online. There was a story about the explosion and fire that had taken place outside of Hermiston. And sure enough the media was reporting the rumor that an older neo-Nazi and his wife had lived there alone. The policeman being interviewed went on to say that they suspected an accident involving illegal weapons, but that the investigation was ongoing. After reading the article I thought about checking my e-mail accounts but hesitated. I debated with myself until I decided that maybe I would open them up later…maybe.
After dinner Bethany and I engaged in our ritual except this time she did most of the talking about all the years she had been with Vincent. She made one thing clear about our activity however, and that was that I was never to overdo it ever again. In fact, she said it was time to employ moderation so I could regain my normal strength.
As we fell asleep that evening I wondered if she was worried I would leave her. I still had thoughts of my family running through my head but most of me wanted to try to embark on this new journey. I toyed again with the idea of checking my e-mails but instead my focus shifted to my phone. I thought to myself that perhaps the hotel store might have a charger so I tapped Bethany on the shoulder and said I could not sleep and that I would be back shortly. She asked me to be careful and I got dressed and left.
When I arrived at the store I found they had the exact charger I wanted. I bought it as well as buying a new purse. I would hide the charger and see if Bethany wanted to go to the doctor alone so I had time to plug it in and check my phone. I headed back to our room and tried to relax – anxious to read my messages, but afraid to worry Bethany. Soon, I fell asleep.
The next morning I awoke early – earlier than Bethany. I made sure my clothes were piled on top of my new purse and I rushed into the shower. It felt so relaxing to be in a real shower for a change, much nicer than the ones I had used when travelling with Vincent. After a while, after I did my best to empty the hot water supply of the hotel, I got out and found Bethany still asleep. I quickly crawled under the covers and nudged her to wake up. She opened her eyes and smiled, “Good morning Jennifer. You feeling okay today?” I replied, “Absolutely! I feel terrific!” She sighed, stretched and got out of the bed. When she was in the shower I looked at the clock and was surprised that it was almost ten! I called to her, “Maybe you should try to get an appointment first and then we could go to the bank.” She said that might work best. When she finished she wrapped herself in a large bathrobe supplied by the hotel and looked through the phone book. She called a doctor, explained her condition, and he asked if she could come in as soon as possible. To my delight she asked if I could stay and guard the money while she took care of the appointment. I gave her my car keys and said I would be ready for when she returned.
When she left I marveled at how she trusted me with the money. I would never steal anything from her and take off – that was not my style, or what I would do to someone who treated me so nicely. Yet maybe her trust was not so well founded in all areas. Of course that was in reference to my immediately plugging in my phone. I went over to the computer and checked to see if any more news stories existed about the explosion. There was, but only in Oregon newspapers thus far. It was being reported that the charred bodies of the married couple had been found but no names were being relea
sed yet. I occupied myself a little longer but just could not wait. I rushed to log in and check my messages.
What I discovered shocked me! I had numerous texts from Matt and Nicole! The most recent ones from Matt asked why I was so hostile. “Hostile” I thought? What was that all about? I opened a few more and each from Matt consisted of expressions of deep love and a willingness to work things out. Nicole’s expressed confusion and anger over my treatment of Matt and her. I was at a loss as to what either of them was talking about. At that point I checked my sent messages.
I then discovered the origin of their confusion! During the period of my captivity Vincent had sent the most vile, hateful and, at the end, obscene replies to Matt and Nicole. His attacks were extremely cruel to Matt – perhaps since he probably assumed Nicole was only my best friend. Yet even then he had sent her comments to stay out of my business and just get a new friend.
So there it was. While I had been helpless, at the mercy of a monster, that very monster had done everything in his power to make it appear as if I had turned against the ones I loved, and in so doing, had made it appear my departure was voluntary. It was genius in a sense. It was highly doubtful the police would see my kidnapping as anything more than a woman flipping out and deciding on abandoning her family.
I sat there on the bed wondering what I should do. Vincent had wrecked my marriage – both of them I assumed. I had no idea what options were available to me at that point. I stared at the ceiling and then it struck me – call! I guess I just wanted to find out where I stood. I remembered Vincent saying he had witnessed Matt and Nicole passionately kissing at the airport, and while my doubts were growing over the truth of his comments, a part of me wanted to know. So assuming I still had some time before Bethany would return I grabbed the bag and went down to the pay phone in the lobby to call.
Deliverance from Evil Page 23