I had been there a couple of times so I started showing Bethany around. She commented, “I’ve seen pictures of the temple but it is even more beautiful seeing it live and up close.” I mentioned, “A camera would be nice to have right now.” She shook her head. I guessed she was still holding on to Vincent’s aversion to creating photographic records. I suppose I could have told her my cell phone was charged and tried to convince her to get some pictures but I decided against it. So we just walked around the area and took in all the sights. It was not long before we were approached by a young woman wearing one of those name tags identifying her as a Mormon missionary. She politely asked, “Hello. Is this your first time visiting?” Bethany replied, “It is for me! It’s really beautiful.” The young woman asked, “Can I give you the tour then?” Before I could decline her offer Bethany enthusiastically replied, “Absolutely!”
Bethany was flipping through the tour guide the young woman gave her and said she would like to see the big statue of Jesus. I rolled my eyes and just wanted to leave at this point. Yet Bethany seemed excited about the tour and was lost in conversation with the guide.
Once we got to the statue in one of the visitor centers the young woman asked, “Do you know anything about what Latter Day Saints believe?” This was awkward. Here I was looking like I was heading straight to a rave party. On top of that I suddenly became conscious of the strong smell of cigarettes on me. I wondered what to say as Bethany abandoned me to get a closer look at the statue. Then, feeling somewhat provocative I shot back, “I know quite a lot actually. I have often helped in the Sunday school nursery class when my husband is teaching the class for the adults.” She seemed shocked, while trying to look otherwise, and asked, “So you are a member of the church?” I said, “In a way I suppose so you can skip any preaching since I probably know more about your religion than you do.”
Just then, as the young woman seemed totally confused, Bethany had strolled back and commented on how beautiful the statue was. She said, “I am a Christian. Is there any place I can buy a painting of this?” The young woman answered as her eyes were focused on me, “Oh certainly. There are several shops nearby.” Bethany eagerly asked, “Can you tell me about your religion and its history?” I of course rolled my eyes and wanted this to all end. Not only did I know all the things she was telling Bethany, not only did I feel entirely out of place as throngs of more conventional sorts of people came and went, but this also brought back memories of my past. I interrupted, “I’m just wondering…back when there was polygamy could the wives be intimate with each other since everyone was sort of in the same marriage?” The woman’s mouth dropped. Before she could respond Bethany spoke up, “Jennifer! That’s disgusting!” She turned to the woman, “I’m sorry. We’ve been driving and are a little tired.” I looked at the woman who still looked uncomfortable – which ironically is the state I was in as well. I normally would have felt a sense of accomplishment messing with someone’s mind like this but for some reason, maybe because she seemed so innocent, this was one time I did not. I realized she was trying to help and even I would have judged me as very “worldly” a short time ago. Yeah, it was fun in a way but I also felt a little sad. I had always felt welcomed when I did go to church but here I was mocking someone doing something my husband had done years before. So without knowing why, I tapped the woman on the shoulder, “I’m sorry. And please accept my gratitude for all you have tried to accomplish with us today. Maybe someday I will officially join when I feel an emotional connection with God. I just don’t feel that right now.” In a sweet tone she asked, “Maybe if you prayed that would happen.” I just stood there and looked at her for a moment. I then asked, “So where are you from?” She replied, “Memphis, Tennessee.” I then inquired, “What are your plans for the future?” She smiled, “I hope to finish college, get married and have a family.” I looked at her and said, in all sincerity, “I hope you all the best. I also hope my kids turn out as well as you have.” She smiled and said she was happy her mother and father had done such a good job raising her. I could only respond, “Yeah” as I turned and motioned Bethany to leave with me.
We left the tour area and walked down the street to a restaurant. Bethany asked, “Shall we do some shopping after we eat? And then tomorrow we can do some more exploring of the sites.” I said I preferred to leave the city but I would stay if she wanted. She pointed to a picture of the Utah state capitol and asked if I might be interested in visiting. I liked that idea. So after we ate we did some shopping, although she seemed to forget about getting the painting she had mentioned wanting. We spent our time in several clothing stores but I did not see any jeans I liked; I did find a cute leather jacket however. I figured it would be all I needed for the immediate future as the only time it was slightly cold outside was at night. While at the cashier Bethany made an unusual comment. She said, “I am so happy you like this way of dressing. You are so beautiful and you shouldn’t be ashamed to show it off. When you came to the house all the clothes you had packed were so drab – so plain I suppose. You are young and need to express that youth while you have it!”
That was a rather interesting comment I thought. No, I never really dressed up all that much – it seemed the only time I was daring was with Matt, and that usually involved a lack of clothing. When with Nicole her preferences for me still tended towards masculine attire. So Bethany was essentially right – I had never been provocative or rebellious with my mom or anyone else. Maybe I needed to be a bit more daring and experimental and see if a new life pattern would suit me better.
Bethany and I got a really good night of sleep that evening. The next day we packed our things and headed for the capitol, although her lack of enthusiasm was quite apparent. Of all the sights of Salt Lake I could not figure out why this did not catch her interest. Without my asking she commented in the parking lot, “I never had much interest in politics. However, there is something that tells me that you are supposed to be here. I don’t know why, just something tells me you would enjoy it.” That was certainly interesting to hear her say. I had undoubtedly mentioned my interest in debate to her so I just assumed that was the reason for her feeling.
There was no legislative session that day – in fact there were no meetings – but when I looked at the floor I imagined myself being a congresswoman. I suspected I would hate all the tedious work such a job would entail, or the loss of some of one’s anonymity when elected, but what a rush it would be to run a campaign and wind up as one of the people in charge of society!
We did not spend much time there actually, but the idea of power never really left my mind – especially as we drove out of the city. I wondered how things would have been different if Vincent had channelled his energy and passion into getting into office rather than isolating himself and waging his one-man war. It was tragic, and pathetic, that he had wasted his life the way he did.
The road signs indicated we were on our way to Wyoming. We took a more scenic route through the mountains, then the desert and finally to a region where a lot of dinosaur excavations took place. At least there was something redeeming of the area since I was far from impressed with the town we stopped to have lunch in.
Soon we drove up into the mountains to a more beautiful area – Flaming Gorge. Bethany and I got out and went to this bridge that was even higher than the one I had visited at times outside of Bend, Oregon. The sun was shining brightly and I was so desirous of having a decent camera – the photographic opportunities were outstanding.
We looked over the edge of the bridge at the water deep in the canyon. I held on tightly to the rail at the side of the road – partly for safety and partly to make sure that little fragment of me that wondered what it would be like to jump was not allowed to get its way. Then Bethany said something odd, yet familiar to my way of thinking, “Jennifer, what does dying mean to you?” My grasp of the rail tightened and I asked what she meant. Bethany continued, “I don’t know, maybe it’s that I am getting older, or my hear
t, I cannot say, but I have been thinking about it more lately.” One might assume it had something to do with Vincent but I could detect something more esoteric in the way she was talking, and staring over the rail. “Jennifer, when my time comes I want to do as the ancient Indians did – just go off and die in nature…my elements returned to the cycle of life and not sealed in some box and buried in the ground.” I asked her not to think of such things but she reminded me that one never knows when they will go back to the spirit world – and then she asked, “If you are first, what would you want?” I looked into the distance as well and admitted that I had thought about the same way of going.
Bethany took my hand and said, “Let’s stop talking – let’s instead enjoy life, so when that day comes we can say we lived life to its fullest with no regrets for what should have, or could have, been done!” We then got into the car and continued to Wyoming.
I soon realized why so few people lived in this state – it was beautiful, yes, but dry – really dry. Yet I got a taste of the true west – sagebrush, huge cattle corrals where you had to hold your breath as you drove by, and little towns with some of the guys walking around in cowboy hats. Bethany loved it – she said she admired the simplicity of life there – although I wondered what she meant. After all, judging from the ranch houses we passed with satellite systems on the roofs I wondered just how isolated people were anymore.
We wound up staying in some little town that evening. It was so dry outside that when I felt like my nose was running I actually discovered it was blood. I tried to ignore it – figuring it would just go away. Then I wondered about our ritual. I asked Bethany if she wanted to have a go at it that evening but instead she asked me to sit down by her. She surprised me when she said, “Jennifer, I have given it some thought and maybe our connection…physically and spiritually is so complete that we should only set aside special occasions to do it. Is that okay?” I was a little taken back at her request yet I told her it was okay and I asked what days were special. She suggested such times as birthdays and certain events – like when we found a house to buy. I reminded her that I had a birthday coming up in a little over a month. She said that maybe before then we would be able to find a house to buy as well.
Bethany seemed to get really excited about getting a new home. I was worried that she wanted to live out here in the desert, but that fear decreased when she asked how I would like to try out Montana or northern Idaho. I asked, “Are there mountains?” She laughed, “When you see them you’ll never want to visit anyplace else.” I was anxious to see what she said was so wonderful. She must have read my mind, “Jennifer in a few days I’ll show you but before that can we visit Cheyenne? When I was young my family liked to spend time there. I’d like to see how it has changed.”
The drive the next day was so “Americana.” The feeling of man’s battle against the elements to survive, the backdrop of multi-colored mountains, pickup trucks with gun racks and American flags on display everywhere was certainly interesting to take in. I wondered though, what was Bethany searching for? What really was her image of where we would be and what our lives would be like in the future? And then that nagging question: “What, if any contact would exist between my family and us? Again, I toyed with the idea of never seeing them again. The old saying that you can never return home seemed to dominate my thinking. And the idea of starting a new family was intriguing me. Finally I asked, “Bethany, what do you suppose we will be doing in ten years? And, well, I mean...” She interrupted me and, again like some sort of mind reader she asked, “You are thinking about your kids, aren’t you?” I replied “Maybe, I’m not sure…or maybe even starting a new family – I just don’t know.” Bethany asked, “Can you pull over sweetheart?”
I complied and she held me and said, “Whatever you want to do is okay by me. Do you want to invite your kids to spend time with us?” I shook my head. She took me by surprise, “If that would be too awkward for you then why don’t you just have a baby? I would love to have a chance at playing grandmother you know.” I felt like I was flung back in time several years in the past, except Bethany seemed open to the idea of a family. I tried to act as if it were her idea, “That might be fun. Once we settle into a new home I suppose we could look into fertility options.” Then she totally floored me, “Why go through some doctor when there are plenty of handsome men you could meet and get pregnant the old fashioned way?”
I honestly had not considered the issue that far. In a way if felt totally wrong to be with a man other than Matt. Why I felt this way I did not understand. I did not feel particularly connected to my past anymore, and I was not really concerned at that moment with issues of “right” or “wrong.” On the other hand I was quite young and the idea of never being with anyone else seemed quite alien as well – especially since it appeared we might never see each other again anyway. And what really surprised me about myself was that thinking about the idea of different men actually felt strangely alluring. Maybe I had broken certain self-imposed barriers when I had considered going all the way with Vincent. Bethany seemed to be encouraging an exploration into new territory and maybe I felt this was not something I should dismiss.
It only took a few hours to get to Cheyenne. The desert had given way to a landscape I had become used to in recent months – dry but with ample vegetation. But when I saw the Grand Tetons in the distance I was overwhelmed with the beauty. Bethany asked, “Is this maybe the sort of place you could see yourself settling down in?” I smiled, “It’s highly possible.” Yet there it was again in my head…a stream of thought barely above the threshold of my conscious mind yanking me back to my past. I suddenly was thinking of how fun it would be to go hiking with Nicole in the far off mountains. And then I wandered back to Matt. Bethany was talking about something but I could not focus at all. Then she tapped me on the shoulder and asked how I felt about the idea. I asked, “What idea?” and she sighed, “The idea of looking at real estate while in Cheyenne. Didn’t you hear a word I said?” I apologized, “Sorry Bethany. I was merely thinking about what it would be like to hike and camp in the mountains here.” She said maybe we could find out.
We soon found a hotel to stay at in the city, if one could really call it that – it seemed smaller than my home town of Eugene and that was barely able to be called a suburb. Bethany picked up a real estate guide in the front lobby and when we put our things in the room she sat on the bed and started flipping through. I asked if she could look through some of the tourist brochures left in the room and see what there was for food and that I was going to take a shower.
Before getting in the shower I stared at myself in the mirror. It seemed I was getting addicted to examining the image that looked back at me. I wondered, was I some sort of a demon? Some might think I should have felt ashamed of myself, yet I only rarely if ever experienced such thoughts. Instead I wondered why I was too weak to mentally sever the thoughts in my mind that seemed to tug on me. I mean, it appeared the people in that life had moved on – even replaced me with my children. When I thought about Nicole at that moment I reacted with rage. I grabbed the glass on the counter and squeezed it until my hand turned bright red – then I hurled it to the floor, shattering it. Bethany called to me, “What happened? Jennifer, are you okay?” I opened the door and apologized, “I was going to drink some water since this air has dried me out, but I accidentally dropped the glass.” Bethany told me to wrap myself up and she would call room service to clean up the mess.
Soon a young man, maybe 18, blonde and athletic-looking came in and greeted us. Bethany pointed to the broken glass and he asked us to stand back so nobody would get hurt. Bethany started talking with him and even went so far to introduce me to him. She continued and eventually he said he had just started university. As he finished she told him, “We will be here at the hotel for a few days and said we might run into each other.” When he left she looked at me and actually suggested, “See, a guy like that would be an ideal candidate for making a baby �
� in more ways than one.” The irony was inescapable. Here I was the most vehement supporter of eugenics I knew and Bethany was trying to select someone for mating purposes for me?
I commented, “I am in no hurry to get another baby.” She countered, “At least you can have fun practicing, can’t you?” Few people could embarrass me but she was getting close to success. I said, “Let me think about it.” I then headed back to the shower. While I let the water flow down my body a strange realization came to me. What if all the stress had rendered me unable to have kids anymore? I had read that this could happen. What if my system was totally messed up by all that had occurred during the summer and I went through some sort of menopause in my twenties? The thought terrified me! In fact part of me thought about taking Bethany’s suggestion up just to see if I was still fertile.
When I got out Bethany met me and handed me a brochure for a steakhouse. She asked, “You ready for some real western food?” I threw my towel onto the chair next to the bed and said, “Sure but I was wondering though if it might be possible to stop at a shoe store since all I have are these ultra-high heels?” She commented in a timid manner, “I really like those though.” I quickly replied, “I do too! They are absolutely adorable but if we have to walk a long distance I need something functional.” She nodded her head, “The steakhouse is nearby so if you wear them tonight we can find something tomorrow before we go off and look at some properties.”
I noticed she had circled several listings in the property guide. I contemplated the idea that this town might be my new home. We left the hotel and headed down the block to the restaurant and strangely enough, as the sun was setting across the horizon and a warm breeze swept across my face I rather liked the idea of settling down here. I had no mental connections to my past as I looked around…it felt as if I was on a new world. We soon entered the restaurant which was an authentic piece of the west, complete with country music, waitresses with cowboy hats and rodeo pictures adorning the wall. Bethany and I relaxed and looked at the menu. I was definitely going for something high in protein. Soon a young waitress came over and asked what drinks we wanted. When she left Bethany asked, “Did you see the tattoo she had?” I had been fixated on the menu so I had not taken notice. Yet at that moment she returned and gave us our drinks. I looked and she had a little horse tattooed just below her collar bone. When she left Bethany asked again about the tattoo. I said, “It was cute.” At that she took a sip of wine and said, “What kind would you like to get done?”
Deliverance from Evil Page 25