by Kacey Shea
“Jess?”
I jolt at Coy’s words and snap the book shut.
His eyes zero in on what’s in my hands and with the towel wrapped around his hips, he marches toward the bed and rips my notebook from my grip. “What is this?”
“It’s my journal.”
“Your journal?” His jaw works back and forth. “And you what? Write shit in here about me? About how fucking horrible I am?”
“No.” I shake my head but that isn’t entirely true. I do write about him. The bad, the good, and the truth. I never intended for him to read it. I never wanted anyone to read what’s inside. I was stupid to ever give ink to the thoughts I don’t dare speak aloud.
“No?” He holds the book up to the side of his face. His eyes are hard looking down on me. “You won’t mind if I have this, then?”
My hands itch to grab it back, but I can’t do that. Instead, I reach for a pillow and tug it into my lap. “They’re only my thoughts, Coy. Some ideas I have. That’s all, I swear.”
“Oh, you swear? Does that mean anything to you? Does it?” His hands ball into fists and the notebook folds in half under the pressure of it. A force I understand all too well, and one I don’t wish to provoke. Not after earlier.
“I’m sorry, Coy.” There’s nothing else to say. If he reads it, I’m afraid he’ll be pushed to the edge. He won’t like what I wrote. He won’t want me. He’ll be done, and after that . . . I’ll have nothing.
“Sorry.” He grinds his jaw with his glare. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re thinking, Jess. For once I have everything, everything I want, and you just can’t wait to fuck that up.”
My hand goes to my throat and his eyes follow the movement.
“Fucking hell. You want to throw that in my face, too!” My neck. I haven’t looked, but I have no doubt the bruises are already visible. His phone chirps from the other room, and he walks back into the bathroom without another word. And with my most sacred words in his hands.
I wait, unable to move and hardly able to breathe as he bangs around in the bathroom. Expletives fly and so does something else, hitting the tile floor with a crash. Still, I don’t move, held immobile by helplessness. What can I do? Coy has every right to be angry, and the words I wrote in that journal will only seal the fate I always expected.
He’ll leave me.
Coy storms back into the room, fully dressed and ready to go out with my journal still gripped in his left hand. He walks past, not even glancing up, as he pockets his wallet off the dresser.
I want to ask where he’s going. I want to beg him not to leave. Not read the book. I want to beg him to never leave me alone. Instead, I sit on the mattress in his day-old shirt with a blanket pulled over my body for protection.
It isn’t until his hand is on the doorknob that he acknowledges I’m in the same room. “What you did today? With this shit.” He slaps the journal against the door and I jump at the sound. “It’s unforgiveable, Jess. It’s fucking traitorous.”
“I’m so—”
“Don’t,” he snaps, pointing his glare so I want to slink back and disappear. Anger. Hate. Disgust. It’s all levied on me. “I don’t want to hear your excuses. I don’t see how I can move past this. How the fuck am I supposed to trust you?” He drops his gaze and shakes his head. “I’m going out with the guys. Don’t wait up.” He disappears with the slam of the door. He’s gone from the room. Maybe even my life.
I really screwed up this time.
55
Sean
Jess never comes back with Coy for the rest of her food. It shouldn’t bother me; it’s not as if she owes me anything. I mean, it’s only a fucking burrito, but I’m a fucking loser because I sit and wait a good hour, staring at her foil wrap and the one we picked up for him. I finally surrender to the fact they aren’t returning and put the food in the fridge. I can only imagine what’s keeping them, and because of that I can’t find it in me to return to my room. Not as though I’d hear anything, but there’s no way in hell I’ll chance it. Listening to Coy fuck her—the utter thought of it drives me mad, but the reality would surely tip my sanity.
Fuck!
Hitting the road this summer is gonna be pure agony. God, I don’t know how I’ll survive. It’s no longer merely about Coy being undeserving, it’s now about me wanting Jess for myself. And I’ve never been that guy. I don’t lust after someone else’s girl. Not when there’re plenty of available women to choose from. But Jess isn’t some girl. In fact, I’m quite certain there is no one on this Earth like her. One morning of her to myself and I want more. The more she gives, the more I’m convinced she’s the kind of woman I’d go to war for. With Coy in the picture, I wonder if it’ll come down to that.
The house is quiet today, a blessed day off from practice, meetings, and recording. Deb’s the only one I see, leaving to run errands for a few hours. I’m tired from the early morning wake-up call and hours of driving, so I lounge around the living room, watch television, and play with Tony until he’s worn out. The AC blasts while sunshine pours in through the windows, creating a heady mix. The minute Tony jumps on the couch and curls into my side I know I’m a goner, and within minutes I pass out.
“The fuck, Sean!” Trent’s laugh along with harsh overhead light jolts me from deep, peaceful sleep to instant alertness.
Shielding my eyes from the glare streaming down, I push up on one elbow to look over the couch, only to find the reflection of the room against the darkness from outside. “Shit. What time is it?” I sit up and scrub my hands over my face.
Trent leans into the doorframe, and shakes his head. “It’s past eight. We all thought you ran away from home.” He laughs and calls over his shoulder, “I found him. In here.” Trent walks to one of the large chairs and sits, kicking his long legs out in front.
Austin appears in the doorway with a scowl on his face. “You’re not dressed.”
“Sure, I am.” I glance down at my shorts and cotton T-shirt. I mean, it’s not my best look but all my body parts are covered. I tilt my head with a frown.
“You forgot.” Austin rolls his eyes and that’s when I notice both he and Trent are dressed to go out.
Trent’s lips curve up with his smile and he laughs. “Dude, really? You forgot.”
“What am I forgetting?”
Austin bugs his eyes out and throws up his hands. “The party on Sunset. Bedo told us about it yesterday.”
“Shit. I forgot.” I wince and chuckle when Trent does the same. “Sorry.”
“Dude, you need to get ready.” Austin pulls out his cell to check the screen and levels his stare to my place on the couch. “Like, now.”
I think about the effort a party would take. About the small talk and schmoozing required. Loud music. A big crowd. Watching Coy and Jess together. Honestly, the entire scene sounds exhausting. I’m not in the mood. “Go without me. I’m staying here.” I shrug and push off the couch, thirsty for some water.
Austin follows me to the kitchen. “No. Come on, this is our chance to get out! We finally have a hall pass and you’re gonna stay behind?”
I open the fridge, pull out a bottle, and take a long gulp before meeting his stare with a grin. “Yeah, I am.”
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” Trent leans against the counter and narrows a much too serious stare.
“You don’t trust me alone with your mom?” I wink, but before I can chuckle at my own joke he cuts me off.
“That’s not who I’m talking about.”
“Who are we talking about?” Coy comes into the kitchen. His hair’s slicked back and still wet from a shower.
Austin pats me on the back. “Sean and Trent’s mom.”
“I can’t stay away from her ziti. What can I say?” I push the joke through my lips with a smile I don’t feel because the mere presence of this asshole sours my mood. By his barely veiled sneer, the feeling is mutual.
“That so.” Coy works his jaw back and forth. He doesn’t attem
pt to mask the glare he sends my way. As if he’s on to me. As if he knows something. But how is that even possible unless Jess said something . . . ?
But she wouldn’t do that. Why would she? Not unless she has feelings for me, too. Wishful thinking or not, I cling to the hope and school my features. I don’t back down from Coy’s stare. I won’t give him the satisfaction. He might be able to manipulate Jess, but he doesn’t intimidate me. Not one bit.
Trent’s phone chimes. “Car’s outside. Last chance, Sean.”
“You all have fun without me.”
“Okay then, I think we’re ready.” Trent pats his back pocket. He turns to Coy. “Jess not coming?”
Coy’s eyebrows pull with his frown. “Nah, she’s feeling a little under the weather.”
She looked fine this morning. Those are the words that almost slip through my lips, but even I know that’s a terrible choice. He’s still staring me down like I took his lucky drumsticks.
I meet his stare and furrow my brow with concern. “Oh, no. She need anything? I can get it for her.” I’ll get her anything she wants or needs.
“You could leave her alone,” he snaps, glances at Trent and Austin, and meets my stare again. “She needs to rest.”
I nod and mash my lips together so I don’t reply. I don’t want to fight with anyone, let alone the drummer of our band, but I’m tempted.
“Then let’s stop chatting like a bunch of chicks and get the fuck in the car!” Austin slings his arm around Coy and pulls him toward the front door.
Trent hangs back as the guys leave the room, their voices carrying down the hall. “Behave.” He points with his warning.
“I won’t do anything you wouldn’t do,” I smart with a smile.
I expect him to laugh, but instead he shakes his head and turns away. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”
He’s looking out for our band. Or at least that’s how I take his concern, and while I get it, he also pisses me off. He doesn’t see this isn’t a game to me. This isn’t even about Coy anymore. This is about how I’m falling for a woman I can’t really have but want anyway, consequences be damned.
It’s a surefire way to cause more problems for Three Ugly Guys. For our tour. I’m fucked up for even considering making a move. Maybe I should heed Trent’s warning after all. As much as I want to rush upstairs and check on Jess, I won’t. I won’t drink up her presence as if I’m a man dying of thirst. I won’t touch her, even to brush the loose hairs from her face. And I won’t lean forward, slowly enough that she has space to run if she wants, until my lips brush against hers for a kiss I’ve been fantasizing about for weeks.
I won’t do any of those things.
Even though I want to, I won’t.
But if she comes downstairs to find me . . .
All is fair in love and war.
My stomach rumbles with hunger and I scrounge in the fridge for something to reheat. Finding leftovers from the other night, I dump a generous serving of chicken, rice, and veggies on a plate and pop it in the microwave. Back at the refrigerator to return the containers, I catch sight of my favorite IPA on the top shelf. I really shouldn’t, I don’t need it, but hell, why not? I’ve worked hard this week. I deserve something mouthwatering after a day like today.
Sitting on a barstool, I dig into my food and stream an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia to watch on my phone. The show is full of ridiculous humor that has me laughing out loud in minutes. A few bites of food and a swallow of beer later, movement at the kitchen door catches me from the corner of my eye. I pause the show and let out a long whistle as Trent’s mom steps into the doorway. “Why Mrs. Donavan, you are absolutely stunning this evening.”
“Oh, Sean.” She waves a hand and rolls her eyes. “Always such the charmer.”
“Where are you off to? Girls night?”
“Oh, um.” She winces and digs around one of the drawers before retrieving her keys. She won’t meet my eyes and that’s when it hits me.
“Mrs. Donavan!” My brows rise and I fight to hold back a chuckle. “Do you have a hot date?”
“Sean Willis, don’t be absurd.” She rolls her eyes and finally meets my stare. Her hands go to her hips, but a sheepish smile curves the edges of her lips. “I don’t know if he’s hot. We haven’t met in person yet.”
“Damn, Mrs. D!” I shake my head and she laughs along with me. I met Trent my senior year of high school after my parents moved to Arizona for a job. In all that time, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Deb date. I have to give her props for getting in the game. She’s a catch and any guy would be lucky to have her, though I doubt there are many who deserve the honor. My brow crinkles with concern at the possibilities of dating sites gone wrong. “Wait. Do you even know this guy? Where are you meeting him?”
Her lips pull up with an amused grin. “You’re sweet.”
“I’m serious. You can’t trust anyone you’ve met on the internet.” I don’t find it funny that she’s taking this matter so lightly.
“Don’t you worry about me; I’m fine. Besides, you weren’t even supposed to know about this. I was waiting until you all left, so maybe not tell Trent about it?” She winks and steeples her hands over her heart.
“Secrets from your son. Dates with men you’ve never met. What is happening here?” I shake my head, finding some humor after all. “Have we entered an alternate universe?”
“Oh, please. After all the shit you boys pulled over the years, I’m due a few adventures of my own.” She opens her clutch and pops her keys inside.
“Sorry.” I blow out a breath, regretting that I’ve given Deb a hard time. Really, she’s a saint for everything she’s done to support us over the years, let alone all the times we hung out at their apartment back in the day. “Yes, you are. But call me if you need anything, okay? I mean that.”
“I know you do.” She nods toward my half-eaten plate of food. “Now, why aren’t you with the boys tonight?”
I shrug because there’s no point in hashing out the real reason with her. “I didn’t feel like it.”
“Hmm . . .” She raises her eyebrows like she doesn’t believe me. Crap. Are all moms given the gift of Spidey sense?
“What?” I feign stupidity.
“Nothing to do with Jess?” She tilts her head and pins me with a glare. One that says she’s on to me and I’m not near as sneaky as I’ve tried to be. Oh hell, there’s no use in skirting the subject.
“It’s pointless to lie to you, since you’ll only call me out on my bullshit. I like her, Deb, and I don’t know what to do about it.” Stabbing a piece of chicken, I pop it into my mouth so I won’t say more.
Her stare softens and she exhales with a sad smile. “You can’t save her.”
“From him? Why not?” My brows pull together because this is not the answer I expected from her. Not from someone who raised her son without the help of his absent father. Not someone so strong and independent.
“She has to save herself.” She shakes her head but doesn’t drop my stare. “Waiting around to pick up the pieces won’t make her whole again.”
“So, I’m supposed to watch him rip her to shreds? And then what?” My anger toward Coy comes back full force, like a wave crashing in with the tide.
“I don’t have an answer for that. I’m only saying you can’t swoop in and save the day. No matter what happens, she can’t offer you something she doesn’t offer herself.” Her sad smile is back and she shrugs before meeting my gaze again. “Love.”
I hate the look of pity that’s in Deb’s stare. I don’t agree. “Jess is one of the kindest, most selfless people I know. You’re saying she’s incapable of love? I don’t buy it.”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying.” She purses her lips and leans forward on the granite countertop. “Sean, I like Jess. I see her beauty and potential as much as you do, but that doesn’t matter because she doesn’t see it in herself. As long as she believes she’s unworthy of goodness, she’ll continue t
o allow others to treat her that way.”
I nod, finally understanding what she means. I’ve been going at this all wrong. I’ve been trying to take care of Jess in a way Coy doesn’t, when she really needs to take care of herself. That might not be something I can do, but I can encourage her. Champion her hopes and dreams. Like one of the plants in Deb’s garden, I can’t make Jess bloom, but I can make sure the sun shines, and chase out any fucking rodents that eat away at her self-confidence.
“Sean . . .” Deb’s lips pinch together with disapproval as if she can read my thoughts. “Be careful. This isn’t only about you and a girl. You have the band.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I wave her off. “I won’t fuck it up. Promise. Now, don’t you have a date? Don’t want to be late for . . . What’s his name again? First and last?” I keep my stare casual and my tone light.
She laughs and shakes her head. “I didn’t tell you. Good night!”
“Home before midnight, missy!” I point at her with my fork as she turns to go.
“Don’t wait up,” she calls over her shoulder with a chuckle.
Good for her. Deb deserves someone special. More power to her if she finds him through a dating site. She’s a smart woman, so I’ve no doubt she’s being safe about it, but to ease my worries I grab my phone off the kitchen counter and send her a text, just a reminder that she has my number if she needs me.
I finish my meal and clean up my plate, but that only takes a few minutes and once again I’m bored, wide awake and restless from my afternoon nap, and can think of nothing except the girl upstairs, one door down from my own.
No, Sean. I caution myself for the hundredth time and decide I need to get out of the house, even if it’s only to look at the stars. I grab another beer from the fridge on my way out back, and wander down the stone paved path to the oversized lounge chairs I always find Jess occupying after my morning runs. The space is empty without her, but the lovesick fool that I am feels closer to her by sprawling out on one of the seats and gazing up at the night sky.
Peaceful. Still. I appreciate the expansive open view. Up here in the hills the stars shine brightly over the city below in an otherwise perfect night. Perfect if I were sharing it with Jess.