by Kacey Shea
His request fills me with dread. I don’t know what he wants, but my gut tells me it can’t be good. “Oh, yeah. Sure.” I blow out a breath to calm my racing pulse as I peel off my gloves. “I’ll be right back.”
“Take your time. I’ll be here.” Deb’s reassuring smile settles my apprehension.
Inside, I find Bedo and one of the girls from Off Track waiting in the living room. He taps on the phone and doesn’t glance up at my approach. “Have a seat.” He presses a button on his cell and sets it down to motion toward the open couch.
“Sure.” I step around the low table and sink into the plush cushion. This feels very much like being called to the principal’s office as a child, and I tuck my fingers under my knees so I won’t fidget.
“We’re a little confused and hoping you can help us out.” Bedo points at the young woman across from him. “This is Erika. She handles PR issues and other projects for us. I’ll let her explain.”
Erika smiles and meets my gaze. “Did Coy tell you about the tour stops, and the music festival in Canada?”
“Yeah.” I fight the urge to pull my bottom lip between my teeth. Her smile is warm, but Bedo’s narrow stare bubbles my growing anxiety.
“We had a little hiccup with your passport application. I’m sure Coy wrote down a wrong number on the application. Maybe marked the wrong month or something. We’ll figure it out, and we have people who can rush it through, but we’ll need a copy of your birth certificate and social security card.” She blinks expectantly. “Can you grab those for us?”
“Oh, um. I don’t have them.” Their stares make me wonder what exactly Coy told them or what he wrote on that application. “Coy said it wouldn’t be a problem.”
“You don’t have a birth certificate?” Bedo’s eyes widen and he exhales in a rush.
“Coy didn’t tell you?” I can’t believe he did this. Anger along with irritation boils beneath the fear that I’ll finally have to face what I’ve been avoiding since I was sixteen years old. “They were lost. In a fire.”
“Okay. When and where did that happen?” Bedo turns to Erika and bugs his eyes. He doesn’t even try to hide his annoyance. “This gonna be a problem?”
“We can expedite replacements.” She nods, her pen posed above her notebook. “Jess, what state were you born in?”
This is it. I can lie and delay the inevitable with the hope my past won’t catch up, or I can come clean, tell the truth, and face it head on. For the first time in my life, I realize I’m tired of running.
“I don’t know what state I was born in.”
She glances up and her eyes widen with the lift of her brow. “Oh?”
“Yeah, but I grew up in the foster care system in Utah, so maybe there?” A weight I didn’t realize I was carrying lightens with just those words. I know it will lead to everything being exposed. To the truth. But I’ve already lived it, and nothing could be worse than that. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what Coy told you but I don’t have any documentation. The last home I was in . . . it wasn’t a good place. There was an accident. After that, I left.”
“But you’re over eighteen?”
“I’m twenty-five.”
“Well, thank fuck for that.” Bedo rolls his eyes and it only exacerbates the shame I carry for being such a screw-up.
Erika’s lips press together and she reaches over to rest her hand on my shoulder. “How have you been living all this time without proper ID? Didn’t you ever contact the state?”
“I left before I turned eighteen with a . . . friend. I couldn’t go back because I couldn’t afford to. I never looked back. It wasn’t a place I considered home. I was barely scraping by before Coy . . . before we met.”
“Okay, so this might prove a little more problematic. But I’m certain we can get things in order.” Erika smiles and snaps her notebook shut with a nod to Bedo. I don’t know if I should believe her, but I do appreciate her kindness.
Bedo purses his lips and gives his head a little shake. “Anything else we should know, Jess? Before we start digging around on your behalf? We’re going to take care of this, because for some reason Coy insists you come along with him on this tour, but if we’re walking into a shit storm, a heads up sure would be nice.”
“It helps to get a jump on what the press might dig up.” Erika watches me like a hawk and it takes everything in my power not to panic. I’m a nobody. Why would the press care about me?
Memories crash in my mind and threaten to drown my focus, but I don’t allow the fear to rule me. Not anymore. My lips part to speak, but before I can, Bedo’s phone rings.
He glances down at the screen. “Excuse me, I need to take this.” Pushing from his chair, he walks out of the room. “Please tell me you have good news this time.”
There’s a brief moment of silence and I glance down at my hands clenched together in my lap.
“God fucking hell! You have got to be kidding me!” Erika and I meet each other’s stare as Bedo’s words carry down the hall. “Well, then, fucking find him!” He cusses again before re-appearing in the doorway. “Erika, we’re gonna have to table this for now. I need you on something else. Now.”
“Sure thing, Bedo. What’s up?”
He glances at me and I get the impression he’d rather I leave, but since he doesn’t ask, I stay put. “Iz checked himself out of rehab.”
“What?” Both Erika and I say at the same time.
“Fucking hell. We do not need this shit. I am so close to . . .” He pinches his eyes shut and rubs at his temples before reopening them. “Never mind. The priority is tracking down Iz and getting him back where he belongs.”
“I’m on it, boss.” Erika pulls open a laptop and begins typing.
“Shouldn’t we tell Sean?” The words blurt from my mouth and Bedo cocks his head as his eyes land on me. Shit. “I mean, and the rest of the band.”
He raises an eyebrow with an unwavering stare. “They know where he went? I had the impression they were no longer on speaking terms with Iz.”
Shit. Shit. Shit. I wave him off and push to my feet. “Oh, yeah. Sorry, I shouldn’t have gotten in the middle—”
“That’s right, Jess. Stay out of this. We will handle it. It’s what we do best.” He holds my stare and it takes everything in me to not melt under the pressure, but I refuse to look away first. “We’re done for now. You can go.”
“Right. Thanks,” I offer lamely, and beeline out of the room. My cell is tucked in my back pocket. Waging the struggle between what’s right and wrong, my fingers itch to dial Sean. He left because he can’t stand to be around me. He asked for time and space. But as I step outside and shut the door behind me, I decide to go against his wishes as well as Bedo’s.
I stroll in the opposite direction of the garden until I’m under the shade of a tree before calling. It doesn’t even ring three times.
“Jess?”
“Sean, I . . . I’m sorry for calling. I just . . . There’s something I think you should know.”
“Is everything okay?” His voice is laced with concern and it only makes my heart ache more. I miss him. “Are you okay?”
No. I’m not, but this isn’t about me. “Iz. He checked himself out of rehab. He’s missing.”
“How did you—?”
“I overheard Bedo. I don’t think he wants you to know.” I glance around to make sure no one eavesdrops.
“Thank you, Jess. Thank you. I mean that.” The static in the line rushes with his long exhale.
“Sean, what can I do? How can I help?”
“Just stay there, okay? Keep me posted if you hear anything. I’ll catch a flight out as soon as I can.”
“I can do that.”
“And Jess?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s really good to hear your voice.” His admission is more than I deserve, but I soak up the warmth of it. “I’ll be home soon. ’Bye.”
“’Bye.” I end the call and shove my phone in my back pocket befor
e going back to the garden. I wish I could do more. I wish I could help find Iz, but I’m totally helpless and useless. Amid all of that, I can’t help but entertain joy at the thought of Sean coming home. I didn’t realize how much I missed him until I heard his voice. Or how much I was afraid he’d hate me after the way we parted, but no, of course he had to say something sweet and kind. Something that makes me wish for what can never be.
“Everything okay, Jess?” Deb peels her gloves off at my approach and drops them at the edge of the planter. She wipes her hands on the front of her pants.
“No. Nothing’s all right.” It all hits me. Everything. I shake my head and tears threaten to prick my eyes. I shouldn’t burden her with my problems. I don’t deserve sympathy or understanding. But this is the first place I’ve considered home. Not by the location, but by the people inside it. I don’t know what’ll happen when Sean comes back, but I know it won’t be good. I fear that Coy will hurt him. That my time with Deb, Sean, and even Trent and Austin is dwindling by the second and I don’t know how to stop it.
“Hey, none of that.” Deb wraps me in her arms and I lean into her embrace. “Oh, Jess.” Her hug is safe and that’s enough for the tears to fall.
My body shudders with cries that I try to hold in, but Deb stays, never once pushing me out of her arms. I cry more. I cry until I physically can’t.
“Come on. Let’s get you inside.”
I follow her into the kitchen where she points for me to sit, and fills two big glasses with water. “That heat, it’s too much sometimes. And with you just feeling better.” She scoots onto the barstool next to me and pats my back. I appreciate the out she’s given me, but I wonder if it’s only a test to see if I’ll tell the truth.
I’m scared to confide in anyone. I’ve only ever let my most honest thoughts swirl around inside, because if I don’t let them out, I don’t really have to face them. But there’s something earnest about Deb. Maybe it’s her take-no-shit attitude, but I want to voice what lays so heavy on my heart.
“I’m not sick. I haven’t been.” I trace patterns in the stone countertop and chance a glance at her.
“I know.” She smiles sadly. “You don’t have to tell me, but if you want, I’ll listen. I’m pretty good at it.”
“I think I’ve really screwed up.” I chance another look, but in her gaze I see no judgment as she waits for me to continue. “Sean left because of me.”
“No, Jess. Sean left because of how he feels about you.”
“You already . . . ?”
“He talked to Trent before he left. But I’ve been around that kid since he was sixteen. I already knew. It’s painted all over his face every time you walk in the room.”
“Oh.” My cheeks heat and I wonder if I’m the only one who didn’t notice. If everyone else knew how he felt this entire time, no wonder Coy lost it.
“I love him like he’s my own son, but we’re not talking about Sean. We’re talking about you. Why aren’t you okay?”
My chin trembles as I try to pinpoint an answer. It’s everything. Though that’s not entirely true. “I don’t want to go on tour with the band.” I shake my head the second the words leave my lips. “But I promised Coy.”
“Coy.” She stares so long I have to glance away. “You care about him.” She offers finally.
“I do.” But not the way I did before. Before . . . Sean. “Everything’s changed since we moved here.”
“You’ve changed.”
I shake my head no, but that isn’t the truth. It isn’t Coy who’s changed at all. This is always the man he’s been. He’s always been jealous. Selfish and cruel when stressed. Loving and enlivening when he’s not.
“You have, Jess. It’s not an insult, it’s a compliment. Think about it. Hell, you make a pretty mean baked ziti for someone who only knew how to boil noodles a month ago.”
“Thanks.” My cheeks heat with her compliment. “Thank you for teaching me so much. You’ve never made me feel stupid for not knowing things.”
“Don’t ever let anyone make you feel that way. Those kind of people are not your friends.”
I don’t have friends. Or rather, I didn’t before coming here. Deb is my friend and so is Sean. Or he was. “I just don’t know what to do.”
“It’s hard to make difficult choices, but I have faith in you.” She squeezes my hand atop the counter. “And you’re not alone, okay?”
I nod, unable to answer without bursting into more tears. I’ve never in my entire life had anyone tell me they have faith in me. I almost don’t believe her, except this is Deb and she has no reason to be anything other than honest.
“Why don’t we both go have a shower and meet down here in an hour? I need to get out of here for a few hours. We’ll go have lunch, get a little shopping done, and then come back to make dinner for the boys. That sound okay?”
Delightful. She’s too good to me, but a nod yes is all I can manage. I have some hard choices to make, but she’s providing me an escape. It’s only a few hours, but I’ll take it.
The afternoon with Deb is perfect. She doesn’t bring up our earlier conversation and it’s the mental break I need. We browse in a few boutiques and she treats me to lunch at a trendy sandwich shop. On our way back home we stop at the grocery store for a few items.
“Sorry, I forgot to get these earlier.” Deb says as we wait in the checkout line. A woman three customers ahead appears to be buying out the store’s complete supply of liter soda, and no other lines are open.
“It’s no problem,” I say, and my gaze drifts over her shoulder to the celebrity tabloids. The headlines call out for attention like a needy little child in the lineup of products.
A Botox Fail for Dynasty’s Golden Girl
Pop Star Yazmin Goes to Rehab
Divorce! The Reason Drew Harold Left: The Scandalous Tell-All Exposé!
My mind filters through the words, not paying much attention until my gaze lands on someone I know.
Three Ugly Guys’ Bassist Goes Down: His Exhibitionist Kink Revealed!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! My breath catches in my throat as blood rushes to my face. The glossy black and white photo captures me clearly with my head tilted back in ecstasy. There are several of Sean, too. Our intimate parts are blurred out, but it’s clear to any adult what’s going on.
“Jess, are you o—oh.” Deb’s gaze finds the magazine and I wish I could disappear. “Oh!”
“I-I . . .” I don’t even know what to say or how to explain what’s already shouted in bold print headlines. It’s embarrassing that thousands of complete strangers will see photographic evidence of the best sex of my life. Creepy that someone was watching to take those photos the entire time. But, hell, when I think of how Coy will react? I can’t breathe. I have to get to him before he sees this.
“It’s okay, Jess. It’s okay. We’ll figure it out.” Deb deserts our shopping basket and tugs me outside to the car. She doesn’t say anything else, but her foot plays heavy on the gas and her hand bounces nervously on the gear shift.
There’s a chance Coy hasn’t seen this. That no one knows yet. It was a gossip rag, and Coy can’t stand those publications. But what about the rest of the band? What about Sean? I thought I’d screwed up before, but this . . . this is even worse. And when Coy finds out? When he sees for himself that I not only cheated on him, but that I lied? He won’t only want to kill Sean. He’ll punish me, too.
“Jess.” I glance over and notice Deb’s already pulled into the garage. I didn’t even realize she cut the engine.
“I have to get to him first.”
“I’m sorry your privacy was violated, but we’ll deal with this. It’ll be okay.” Her concern is for me, but she doesn’t know Coy like I do. None of this is okay.
“I need to talk to Coy.” I get out of the car and trudge into the house to meet my fate. It’s quiet on the main floor, and darker as dusk settles outside. They must still be practicing. That’s a good thing. I walk to the edge of
the stairway that leads down to the studio, but before my foot hits the first step, my cell buzzes in my back pocket. It hardly ever rings, and when I pull it out Sean’s name scrolls across the screen.
“Hey, Sean.” My nerves bubble with his reason for calling. He must have heard.
“Hey, my flight just landed. I’m grabbing a ride and should be home within an hour. Any news about Iz?”
Iz. Right. That’s why he’s calling. I walk toward the front entry where my voice won’t carry. “Oh, um. I was out with Deb most of the afternoon. I’m sorry, I should have tried to find out more.” I worry my bottom lip between my teeth at how selfish it was for me to leave at all when I should have been snooping around.
“That’s okay. We’ll figure it out when I get to the house.” His breath falls heavy in the line, and the cacophony of airport noises paints the background. “Jess?”
“Yeah?”
“I can’t wait to see you.”
“Oh.” His sentiment cuts right through my worries, and even an hour feels so far away. There’s nothing I want more than to collapse in the safety of his arms.
“I’m sorry,” he says, and I want to ask what for. “We’ll talk when I get home.”
“Sean, there’s something I need to tell you.” I need to warn him about the article, but more because of how Coy will react.
“Jess?” Coy’s hard tone startles me from behind. The phone shakes in my hand and I almost drop it before I can end the call.
“Who was that?” He presses the wall switch and from overhead the entry chandelier illuminates his deep scowl as he stalks closer.
“No one.” Fear creeps up my spine and adrenaline surges in my veins, shouting for me to run, but even I know that’s useless. My hands tremble and begin to shake with the buzz of another incoming call. Shit.
Coy narrows his gaze and rips the phone away. Sean’s name scrolls across the screen and it’s as if I can visibly see the switch flip in Coy’s brain as he goes from suspicious to livid. My phone flies from his fist and shatters into a million tiny pieces around us.
“You want to tell me why that fuck is calling my girlfriend?”