by Kacey Shea
“This is me.” I poke my thumb over my shoulder.
“You don’t have to.” He shoves his hands into his back pockets and rocks back onto his heels. “I mean, if you don’t want to be alone tonight . . .”
I don’t. Not really, but I can’t use Sean to escape my past, as nice as it sounds. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
His brow rises and he shakes his head. “Oh, I didn’t mean . . .” He rubs a hand over his face. “I mean, it’s not that I don’t think about it. Fuck.” He stops and clears his throat. “What I’m trying to say is, we could just sleep.”
I worry my lower lip between my teeth as I battle the temptation. After today, I really don’t want to be alone. “You make it hard to say no.”
“Jess?” He waits until I meet his gaze. “You can always say no to me. It won’t chase me away.” He respects me. That seals the deal.
“Yeah.”
“Yeah?” He quirks his head and a grin grows, stretching his lips.
I nod and glance over my shoulder. “Yes, I’ll just get ready for bed first.”
“Okay, I’ll meet you in my bed. Er, that came out wrong.” The low timbre of his chuckle scatters goosebumps on my skin.
I shrug and force out a laugh. “Hey, as long as your offer’s G rated.”
“I promise.” He crosses his heart and places his hand on the door knob. “We can even do the over under if you’re worried.”
“Over under?” I take a few steps backward because I can’t seem to pull my gaze away.
He grins. “You can sleep under the bed sheet and I’ll sleep over it.”
“A thin sheet of fabric. That’s some crazy protection,” I tease but the truth is it wouldn’t matter if there were a wall between us. Even though it’s a bad idea, my body craves his touch. His closeness.
He turns away and I take my time washing my face, brushing my teeth, and picking out a modest pair of pajamas. Probably as useless as the over under. My stomach twists with the stress of the past twenty-four hours. After everything that’s transpired, I should be exhausted, but I can’t slow my thoughts. Worries fire so fast it’s hard to concentrate, and for that alone I’m thankful for Sean’s offer. In his presence there’s a chance I might turn off my brain long enough to sleep.
“Hey.” I step into his room, my arms wrapped around my middle.
He lifts his attention from his cell. “Hey.” It’s impossible to ignore the lustful stare that fills his eyes. I don’t know how he does that. He knows enough of my past to sour those thoughts. And while I don’t feel as if I deserve his attention, it’s that gleam in his eye that gives me the confidence to hop into his bed. It’s the gentle brush of his hand against my face that gives me hope I can trust him with everything and he won’t turn me away.
“I’ve done so many bad things, Sean.”
“I don’t care about any of that.”
“I know. But I want you to know. I don’t want to carry those secrets.”
He nods as if he might get it, and holds my hand to his chest. “I’ll share the weight if you’ll let me.”
His offer brings tears to my eyes, not because I can’t handle my past, but because no one has ever voluntarily offered to carry the burden of them. Through ragged breaths and a heavy heart, I start from the beginning. I tell him of growing up in foster care. Of never knowing my parents, or who they were. I tell him about the last house. The sexual abuse. The fire, too. How even after all these years, I wake up in a sweat because of how much it haunts me. How I wonder if anyone survived and how selfish I was for never going back to check.
I glaze over the years I spent trading sex for money. He already knows enough, and most of those memories are locked away in the darkest part of my life. I do share how much I wanted to end my life then, and how even now those thoughts creep into my conscience.
“Jess, that’s some heavy shit.” He hasn’t stopped holding my hand.
“I know.”
He shakes his head. “And you carry all of that around by yourself.”
“I couldn’t trust anyone but Coy,” I whisper aloud, but even that’s a stretch. I found an escape in Coy that ultimately was another prison. He hurt me, too. Everyone I’ve ever cared about has.
“You’re so fucking strong. You know that?” The conviction in his tone pulls my gaze to his.
“But I’m not.”
“You are, Jess. You don’t have to do this alone anymore. You belong with us. You’re family.” His words hit me hard and hold so much temptation. I’ve always wanted to belong. A family. But as much as I like Sean, and as safe as he seems, I can’t continue to live a life in which I blend in to what someone else needs.
Pulling my hand out of his hold, I tuck it under my head and meet his stare across the pillow. “I can’t follow you around on tour.”
“And I wouldn’t want you to.”
“What?” His answer takes me aback.
His lips curve with the trace of a smile. “I want to be with you. So, so much. But you have a lot to work through in that gorgeous head of yours. So I already decided, I’ll wait.”
A chuckle void of humor escapes my mouth. “You could be waiting awhile.”
His gaze narrows. “I’d wait the rest of my life for you.” He pushes up onto his elbow, dips his chin, and the unshaven scruff of his cheek scraps against mine. My heart hammers in my chest as he invades my personal space, not only physically but with his words. I anticipate his kiss, allowing my eyelids to flutter shut, but he surprises me by dropping his lips to my forehead. He holds them there a long moment, and as he pulls away I catch a wicked grin on his lips. “Now, we need sleep. No funny business. I mean it, Jess.”
“Hands to myself. Promise,” I tease when really, it’ll be harder than I let on. My fingers itch to run along his chest, for him to pull me close, even though I know this isn’t the right time or place.
His brow furrows and he shoves a pillow under his cheek. “Hey, Jess. If you want, I can sleep downstairs.”
“No.” I roll my eyes and blow out a breath. “I’m not kicking you out of your own bed.”
“I want you to be comfortable. Safe.” The sincerity in his tone causes me to catch my breath.
“I am.” I lay my head back down so we’re facing each other. An invisible barrier between us keeps me from crossing the line. The risk and unknown of being with him is stronger than the lust that pulses at the sight of him. It’s not because he scares me, though. It’s because with him I feel completely safe.
“Good night, Jess.”
“Good night, Sean.”
It doesn’t take long before his breaths even out, his chest rising and falling with a rhythm that begs me to join him in sleep. The exhaustion of the day finally claims all the worries and fears on my heart. I give over to it all and trust I’ll figure it out tomorrow. For now, I surrender to what is, instead of fighting what might be.
I’m cocooned in the most comfortable bed and sleepiness fogs all coherent thoughts from my mind, but the scent of bacon awakens me regardless. I must be dreaming. Cracking my eyelids open, I find daylight streaming through the open curtains in Sean’s room and the bacon is very much real. In fact, it’s being brought to me by a magnificent tattooed rock star.
“Morning.” Sean’s lips twist with a grin and he sets the tray of food next to me on the bed.
It’s not only bacon, but waffles and eggs too. I push up and scoot back against the headboard. “Did you do all this?”
He shakes his head and sits on the edge of the bed. “No. Deb. She goes all Suzie Homemaker when she’s upset.” At the downturn of his lips, all of yesterday’s memories come pouring back.
“Was she close with Iz?” I take the glass of juice from the tray and bring it to my lips.
“No, it’s not that.” He pauses a moment before lifting his gaze to mine. “I think she’s more worried about you.”
“Me?” My brows rise and I set down the glass. Apprehension churns in my gut.
<
br /> “Yeah.” Sean’s lips turn up at the edges with a hint of a smile. “So, hear me out because this is really important. I spoke with Deb and the guys. We all agreed we want you to stay here at the house—for as long as you’d like. Rent free, of course.”
I shake my head. “That’s too generous.”
“It’s nothing. We’ll be on tour anyway. Deb appreciates your company. Besides, it’ll give you the time you need to create the life you’ve always wanted.” He holds my stare and I can’t help but fall for him more than I already have.
“I don’t even know what that looks like, or where to start.”
“That’s why there’s no expiration date on the offer.”
There’s a part of me that feels I don’t deserve this. But an opportunity to set things right in my life is more than I’ve ever hoped for. As humbling as it is, I have to accept. “Thank you, Sean.”
“I wish I could do more. I wish I could fix this. Heal all the scars on your heart. Show you just how beautiful and talented you are. But you have to do those things. You have to live for you, Jess.”
As much as I wish it wouldn’t, my heart falls a little with his admission. He’s got everything in his life together, and I’m a mess. It’s only a matter of time before he figures it out. My gaze drops to the sheet that covers my legs and I pick at the stitching in the fabric. “While you’re waiting . . . can we still be friends?”
His laugh comes as quickly as his smile. “Like you even have to ask.” His gaze turns sober and he rubs his lips together. “And when you’re ready for more? If you’re ready for more. We’ll take it slow. As slowly as you need. Remember what I promised? I’m waiting.”
I nod as his words set in. A part of my brain doesn’t believe him. He must expect something from me in return. Nothing in life is free. But this is Sean and he’s never been anything other than honest. “What if I’m never ready?”
“You will be. If not with me, with someone else.” He blows out a breath and runs his hand through his hair. “I won’t lie and say I’m not keeping my fingers crossed it’s me, because what we share . . . it’s special. But if you meet someone else and he treats you right and makes you happy in a way I can’t, then I’ll learn to deal with that.”
“Really?” My brows rise, not at his selflessness, but at his commitment. If he’s really willing to wait, then maybe there is hope for an us.
“Isn’t that what real friends do?”
My lips spread wide with my smile. “I think you’re my first real friend.”
“See. Special.” He winks and grabs the tray of food. “Now, you gonna eat this bacon or not, because it’s taunting me from the plate.”
I pick up a piece and break it in two, holding out one for him. “Wanna share?”
He takes it with a smile that holds more than the promise of a good meal. “I’d love to.”
65
Sean
The next week flies by in a blur. We don’t have a chance to grieve properly because we really do need to hit the road. Since Iz doesn’t have family, we take care of arrangements for his remains and decide to scatter his ashes at a later time. Bedo’s able to delay the tour a few days, rescheduling the first shows to the end, and he hunts down a professional musician to play drums until we hire someone permanently. We all put feelings aside to get the work done because for now, that’s what’s most important. There are thousands of fans across the country counting on us and no one wants to let them down.
Trent’s really distant. Iz’s death hits him hard. I think he feels guilt for not making peace with him while he had the chance. It’s no surprise to anyone when he flies out to stay on the road with Lexi for a few days.
I spend that time getting to know Jess. We talk. A lot. Sometimes until two in the morning, but she doesn’t share my bed again, even to sleep. I can’t say I don’t wish for it, but there’s something special about exploring our friendship with sex off the table. It’s really difficult not to kiss her, though. Those lips tempt with every word, laugh, and smile.
Two days before we take off for the summer tour, I finally convince her to join me for a run. With a day of practice and meetings, I’m squeezing in all the time I can. I go slower than my usual pace and she tries to keep up, but I can tell it’s not her thing. We head back at an easy pace and I promise to make it up to her with breakfast.
“You do that? Every day?” she demands as soon as we’re back at the house. Her skin shines with a sheen of sweat and wisps of hair stick to her face from where they’ve come loose from her ponytail.
I grab two waters from the fridge and hand her one. “Times ten.” I chuckle because we didn’t even run a mile.
“You’re crazy.” She untwists the cap and chugs most of the bottle.
Crazy about you. The words almost slip from my mouth, and I’m glad they don’t because fuck—how lovesick does that sound? Each day we spend together, it becomes harder to hold back my feelings. This “space” thing is a challenge, but one I’m fully committed to, even if it entails pining away for Jess the entire tour.
“How hungry are you?” I pull out ingredients to whip up omelets.
“So hungry.”
My phone buzzes from where it lays on the counter and I stop to check it.
Trent: On our way back. Need to talk.
Me: Everything cool?
Trent: Fine, but I’m bringing back a surprise.
“Good surprise or bad one?” Jess’s breath hits the side of my neck and sends a bolt of lust through my body. I tense so I won’t reach for her.
She steps back shaking her head. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have read that.”
I hand her my phone and whisk the eggs in a bowl. “I don’t care about that. I have nothing to hide. But speaking of phones I ordered you a replacement. New number, too.” So Coy can’t contact you when he’s released from jail.
“Oh, goodie! You’re making breakfast.” Austin struts in and bumps Jess on the shoulder, earning a grin from her luscious lips before he takes a seat at the counter. “You get Trent’s cryptic warning?”
I chuckle, tossing a handful of veggies into a skillet. “I don’t think that was his intent.”
“So, what do you think the surprise is?” Jess rubs her hands together. Some people hate surprises, but her excitement tells me she’s not one of those. I pocket that information for future reference.
“With Trent, my guess is something to do with Lex.” Austin rolls his eyes. He’s probably right.
“Honey, I’m home!” Trent’s voice booms from the front room.
“In here!” I call and finish scrambling the eggs. “Looks like we don’t have to wait to find out.”
“Lexi!” Austin pushes off his seat and captures her in a hug as she comes into the kitchen.
“Did y’all miss me?” Trent walks in next, and behind him a young woman I’ve never seen before.
“Who’s the hottie?” Austin murmurs under his breath.
“Keep it in your pants, Austin.” Lexi offers a pointed glare and steps around him to give me a hug.
“What? I’m a good guy appreciating a gorgeous woman. And your friend is fucking beautiful.” He nods to the girl and her freckled skin blushes with pink.
Lexi punches Austin in the arm before walking back toward the girl. “I’d like you all to meet someone special.” Lexi reaches for her hand. She’s young. Jailbait young. But with a natural beauty that shines through her nervous smile. “My sister.”
“Huh?” Austin’s eyes leave the girl and find Lexi.
“This is my sister, Opal.” Lexi smiles with a genuine warmth that reaches her eyes. Whereas Lex is all kickass confidence with her short hair, red painted lips and charcoal lined eyes, Opal is a sharp contrast. She’s soft, her makeup is light, and her sundress makes her appear as if she’s likely on her way to teach Sunday school. I tilt my head, straining to spot something that binds the two but don’t find the family resemblance.
“Nice to meet you.” Jess is the
first to slide off her chair and offer Opal her hand. “I’m Jess.”
“I thought Lex was an only child?” Austin whispers louder than he should.
Trent steps between us and nods. “Was. Yeah. Half-sister. Apparently her dad knocked up more than just Lex’s mom.”
Austin holds out his hand for a high five. “Nice!” Neither Trent nor I give him the time of day.
“It’s really nice to meet y’all,” Opal says and Austin finally drops his un-met five.
“So . . . I have a little news for you all.” Trent rocks on his heels and shoves his hands into his front pockets. Fuck. What now? That’s his tell. He only looks this nervous when shit’s about to hit the fan. With everything we’ve already been dealt this month, I’m not sure the band can take much more.
“What?” Austin’s gaze bounces back from Trent to Lexi. “Oh, fuck. What? Are you guys pregnant or something?”
Lexi’s smile drops and she shakes her head profusely. “Why would you even joke about that?”
Trent stumbles back a step, his face going ghost white. “Fuck! No! Not that!”
“What?” Lexi’s brow furrows into a fierce scowl that narrows on him.
“Oh, no. Babe. I didn’t—”
Oh, fuck. Wrong fucking answer. “Is that really how’d you feel about the conception of our child? I’ll keep that in mind the next time you want to play with the girls. Which are on full lockdown, sabbatical, vacation, hiatus.”
He strides to her side and reaches for her hand. “No, no, no. Baby, I’m sorry. I’d love to have children with you. I’d be fucking honored. Impressed and amazed, even, that you’d let me, considering our child would be like a giant in your uterus.”
“Enough baby talk. What’s the news?” Austin interrupts.
Trent swallows once before his gaze leaves Lexi’s. “Opal’s going to join us on the tour.”
“You’re a musician?” I ask, unable to keep the shock from my voice.