by Kacey Shea
Instead of leaning against his solid frame I shove him away.
His eyes widen.
I can’t find my voice. My heart hammers in my chest so fiercely I’m certain it’s about to explode. My fingers curl into tight fists. The nails dig into my skin and pain, real and on my terms, is what brings me back to the present.
“Jay?” My name’s a question. His face is full of concern. Because he doesn’t know.
I never wanted him to witness one of my breakdowns, but the shitty thing about panic attacks is I can’t control them. It’s only as my feet move, a stumble before they transition into a fluid stride, that breath fills my lungs. I pace the length of the parked bus until my pulse steadies. I dig deep for the courage to meet his gaze.
He stares but doesn’t ask questions, and I can’t settle on whether I should be relieved or disappointed. I don’t want to explain. It’s easier to not, but I also can’t believe he’ll let me get away without breaking down what just happened.
“So, how about we film out here? Maybe over by the arena? The entry kinda looks like an alleyway.” He shoves his hands into his front pockets. “I mean, if you’re cool with that?”
“Not all bad guys hide in dark alleys.” The retort flies from my mouth snarkier than I intend.
His steady gaze doesn’t make me feel better about my jab. His eyes hold a compassion I don’t want to face.
I study the ground and kick my shoes against a stray rock from the pavement. “But yeah, that works.”
“Jayla.”
“Yeah.” I lift my gaze to his.
“What do you need?”
What do I need? It’s the most unnerving question. Almost as if he sees beyond my bullshit. Past my shield. I don’t know what to do because no one has ever been brave enough, or stayed long enough, to see me like this. No one asks me what I need. Ever.
“I . . .” Words catch in my throat. I can’t even answer because I don’t know what makes this better. I only know how to avoid triggers, to mitigate my reaction with coping skills. But the damage has already been done. My history can’t be erased. I close my eyes, take a breath, and face him with renewed determination. “I want to get this video done. The loading dock for the arena will work. Let me go fix my hair and makeup.” I move to walk past him, back to the bus, but before I can pass he reaches out and gently brushes his fingers at my wrist. It’s enough to make me pause.
“You don’t need it. You’re beautiful.”
I tilt my head and deflect his words with lightheartedness. “Such a charmer.”
“Yeah, well, I can’t help it.” He grins. “But about this I wouldn’t exaggerate. You’re gorgeous.”
I am not used to compliments. Not like this and not from him, and I can’t stop the smile that works its way onto my lips. “I’ll be ready in fifteen.”
But that’s a lie. I don’t think there’s enough makeup or hair product in the world to prepare myself for one-on-one time with Austin. He’s not only tearing off my masks, he’s obliterating the walls to my heart.
For the seventh time in the past hour, Austin pins me to the concrete wall, his forearm across my throat the way I instructed.
My move is second nature; I transfer his weight off me with a palm to his face, at the same time shoving his arm off my throat. “Don’t be shy. Hit him in the face hard. Go for the eyes. Use your fingers. Whatever it takes to get the pressure he has on your body to slip.” I speak clear and loud enough that Trent can catch my words from where he records.
Not a second later, I grab Austin’s arm and slam him back into the wall. I thrust my knee into his general groin area. I miss, on purpose. Okay, so I didn’t miss the first time we ran this scenario, but that was an accident. I’m not used to practicing moves without my opponent wearing the protection of padding, headgear, and a cup.
“Get off me!” I scream and dart away before turning to face the camera. “You yell, you run, and you get to somewhere public and safe. You aren’t trying to beat him to a pulp, you’re only creating enough space that you can escape.”
I glance back at Austin. He leans against the wall, posed like a fucking model and looking just as good. He shrugs before facing the camera. “I’d chase her, but I like my balls.”
I can’t help it. My gaze drops to the front of his jeans. Damn. The tight fabric leaves nothing to the imagination. I’ve seen Austin’s dick before, but that was years before I could appreciate it, and our one-time fumble hardly rated as a pleasurable sexual experience. I’m sure he’s long since learned how to use that appendage to its full and more than adequate purpose.
“I need a cigarette.” Trent coughs and shakes his head. He stops recording and hands back Austin’s phone.
Austin glances at his friend. “You don’t smoke.”
“Yeah . . .” Trent laughs, a deep, low chuckle before sneaking a glance at me and then Austin. “I think my work is done here. I’m going back to bed.”
“Thanks, man.”
“No problem.”
Austin stares at the screen of his phone, flipping through the video clips. He worries his lower lip between his teeth and it draws all my attention. I don’t know whether he realizes he’s doing it or if it’s a nervous habit, but it’s as distracting as it is sexy. I can’t find it in me to look away.
If I’m being real, I haven’t stopped looking at Austin since we started working on this video. Being so close with our bodies pressed together feels intimate, and more than just acting out a play-by-play of how to push off an attacker. Out here, without the bustle of work or the tour as a barrier, his hands on me and mine on him . . . it’s personal. And I like it.
Besides my initial reaction when he suggested the bed, I haven’t freaked out. I can’t tell whether it’s because I’m in control or I know that nothing will happen between Austin and me. Either way, it’s a new sensation, being touched by a guy without wanting to puke. I almost feel normal.
My eyes train on his fingers and the ink that decorates them as he swipes across his cell. Those same fingers play guitar with skill, strength and precision. I bet they’d be just as talented at eliciting pleasure.
“Hey.” Sean bounds down the stairs of the bus and brings his hand up to shade his eyes.
I glance away from Austin, feeling as though I’ve been caught.
Sean tips his chin toward Austin. “Mind if I steal your girl?”
“I’m not—” I start.
“She’s not . . .” Austin blurts at the same time. His gaze lands on mine, holding me captive with the lack of humor I find there. His next word leaves his lips a whisper. “Mine.”
“Yeah,” Sean draws out, glancing between us before catching my stare. “Anyway, you said we can’t leave without a bodyguard. I was sort of hoping you’d be up for a run with me?”
A run sounds perfect. I need to clear my head. I need a second away from this tour, the band, and Austin with his entrancing fingers. “Yeah.” I check the time on my watch. “Let me check in with Brian first.”
“Already taken care of.” Sean smiles proudly. “He said he’d come watch the bus in ten minutes. That give you enough notice?”
“Oh, sure.” I don’t like that he went behind my back to arrange it, but the need to gain some clarity and space supersedes my ego. “Let me change my shoes and grab my headphones.”
“Cool,” he walks over to Austin.
I don’t waste any time making my way inside the bus to grab my things. I should probably use the bathroom too, but a soft moaning from down the hallway stops me from going any further. It could be coming from either the bathroom or the bedroom, I’m not sure which. But as the entire bus begins to rock and the sounds increase in volume, I shove in my headphones and shoot a quick text to Brian before getting my ass outside as fast as I can. Sex is completely natural, more so between couples, but it’s not something I want to listen in on. I guess I should count myself lucky up until now they’ve kept it behind closed doors, considering the lack of privacy and num
ber of couples on board.
Sean smiles as I step outside. “Ready?”
“Yeah.” I stretch my arms over my head, then hold the bus with one while I grab my ankle and stretch out my quad. I glance at Austin, whose gaze drinks me up as if I’m more satisfying than a glass of water. I clear my throat and force a casual smile. “You wanna join us?”
“No.” He chuckles and shakes his head. “I’m good with keeping my dignity intact. I remember how fast you were in high school. I don’t need to embarrass myself today.”
“Suit yourself. But you may want to find some earplugs.” I scrunch up my face, and when he gives me a curious glance, I explain, “When the bus is a rocking, don’t come knocking.”
Realization dawns on his face and it only makes me laugh.
Sean joins in too, his chuckle low and deep. “Told you there were benefits to exercise!”
“Fuck! Are you serious?” Austin scrubs his hand over his face but shrugs in defeat. “Still doesn’t make me want to take up running. Headphones it is. Thank God for whoever invented noise canceling.”
“Like you’re one to talk!” Sean chuckles while bringing his knee up for a stretch. “I can’t even count the number of times you’ve subjected us to a loud fuck. You always pick the screamers, too!”
I clear my throat and avoid Austin’s stare. I don’t want the specifics. I don’t want to hear about any of the women he’s been with. The impulsive need to hurt them, and him, flares in a jealous anger I can’t explain. Thankfully, Brian’s form emerges from the roadies’ bus across the lot.
“Enough tea time, let’s hit the pavement,” I say.
“Yes, ma’am.” Sean follows my lead with his long strides toward the end of the lot. He points up the street and jogs in place once we’re out on the sidewalk. “I mapped out a five-mile route, but if you want to shorten it we can just double back.”
“Five miles is good.”
The burn of my muscles as they stretch and move with purpose is exactly what I need. My mind zeros in on my surroundings and I find an easy rhythm with my strides. Sean doesn’t attempt to make conversation and I’m comfortable with that. There aren’t a ton of people out at this hour what with it being a business district and if there were, I doubt anyone would recognize Sean as the famous bassist he is.
It isn’t until the end of our route with the stadium back in sight that Sean clears his throat and catches my gaze with a tap to his ear. “So, you and Austin?”
I pull the headphones from my ears and shove them into my pocket, still keeping pace. “We’re just old friends.”
His brows rise. “You guys never dated?”
“No.” We never had the chance. But I’m not about to fill in the blanks or leak details about the few times we crossed friendship boundaries. That was a long time ago and we were curious, horny teens. Austin got me, and I understood things about him because we were neighbors.
“That’s surprising.”
I don’t ask why. I don’t want to hear the answer. I don’t want to hear about Austin’s sexual prowess, not when that version of him is nothing like the young man I remember.
“He’s different with you.”
I lift my stare from the pavement to catch Sean’s gaze. “Yeah?” His comment catches me off guard, and as much as I shouldn’t pry, I suddenly want to know more.
“Yeah, he cares about you.” Sean trains his gaze on the road, slowing for a stop light.
I stand at his left and press the button, waiting for the crosswalk signal to light up, trying my best to not read more than he intends into his comment.
Sean grins as if he can sense my train of thought. “We’re all glad you’re here, but it was Austin who pushed for you. I know he’s a lot, but he’s a good guy.” He wipes his brow with the sleeve of his shirt. “Especially when it comes to the stuff that counts.”
I nod, pondering how true that must be. “I read the reports, about your girlfriend’s ex.”
Sean’s eyes seek mine. “Yeah, like I said. His heart is in the right place. Most of the time anyway.”
“Good to know.”
The light changes and we resume our run. Sean doesn’t speak again and I don’t ask questions. What little he said is enough to process for now.
Did Austin put Sean up to this? I doubt it.
And yes, his words stir up feelings I’ve been fighting back ever since the meet and greet in LA. Is Austin interested in a relationship? Could I even handle one? I didn’t take this job for more than a paycheck. Hell, I was pretty much cornered into accepting.
But somehow this assignment has become more than protecting fans and a group of rock stars. It’s an opportunity to set things right. Make up for lost time. Unearth old feelings, and yeah, maybe start something new. Maybe.
124
Austin
I can’t believe how smoothly this tour is going. I knew Jayla would kick ass directing security, but she makes it look effortless. She’s everywhere. All the time. And never once does she look tired. The guys love her. Opal and Lexi, too. And I know when Jess flies up for tomorrow’s show, she’ll love her, too.
On tour, it’s always been the show that gives me my next high. Performing on stage and being adored is addictive. But now I find myself more excited for the next video Jayla and I make. Because having permission to touch her, even if it results in her hurting me, has become the highlight of my day. I realize how lame that is.
We’re not even two weeks on the road and every day my feelings for her expand. With anyone else that’d be enough to send me running, but with Jayla it does the exact opposite. I’m acutely aware of her, and still, it’s not enough. The friendship we shared during our teens is being repaired one conversation, joke, and interaction at a time, but the attraction I feel toward her grows by leaps and bounds.
I’m not only lusting, I’m crushing hard. Even with the good and likely possibility that’ll come back to bite me in the ass, I don’t want to fight it. I like Jayla Miller. I want her. In my bed. My life. Anywhere she’ll have me.
Hell. If she asked me right now to escort her to the DMV, I would jump at the opportunity. God, I’m pathetic.
“You’ve got a good hold on those nuts.”
“Huh?” I glance up at Opal, and find her eyes twinkling with laughter.
She points at the pistachios I’m fondling. “I don’t think they’re made for that.”
“I wanted a snack,” I mutter lamely, and shove the nuts into my mouth so I won’t embarrass myself further at being caught in my own daydream. One of many that stars Jayla, of course.
“Yeah, I can see that.” She pats my back and laughs. “Don’t go far, we have that call with Vince in five.”
I nod and lean back into the leather couch, not looking forward to hearing what the executive wants. He’s probably pissed that we didn’t wear the corporate sponsor’s T-shirts on our radio interviews this afternoon. With sound checks done and Trent off to hair and makeup, I’m content to relax in the green room until it’s our turn to take the stage.
“How’s my baby girl doing?” I reach over and place my hand on Opal’s belly when she joins me on the couch.
“It could be a boy.” She raises her brows. “You know we’re waiting to find out.”
“I was talking about you.” I tap her nose, frowning as I notice the dark circles under her eyes. I hope she’s getting enough rest.
“Dude, I’m right here,” Leighton calls from the craft table. “She’s my girl. Get your own.”
Working on it. I almost grumble the words aloud, but thank fuck they don’t leave my mouth. After all the shit I’ve dished, there’s no way my band would let me live it down if they knew how hard I was crushing on Jayla. I’m surprised they don’t give me crap as it is. “But you’re not working too hard? Getting enough sleep on the bus?”
“I’m good. Promise.” Her lips pull wide with a soft grin. It fades as soon as Casey steps in the room.
Phone in hand, his voice raises to
an all-time suck-up level. I know instantly he’s talking to Vince. “Just give me a few seconds here, Vince. The guys are stoked to chat with you.”
Sean takes the chair to my right, raising his brow as he whispers, “Stoked?”
I bite my lip to contain a snicker.
“I’m putting you on speaker, Vince. The guys are all here except Trent. Opal’s here, too.”
“Where the hell is Trent?” Vince barks from the device Casey holds out.
Before he can answer, the green room’s door opens and in walks Lexi, Trent, and Jayla.
“That’s my mistake. Gang’s all here, boss.” Casey manically waves them over.
“Hey, Vince,” Trent pulls up a chair to join the rest of us. “To what do we owe the pleasure of this call?”
“Can’t I just check up on my favorite band?” Vince goes for a joke, but it’s hard to contain the eye rolls. We know we’re a pain in his ass, even with as much money as we bring WMI.
“Well, we’re just fabulous. So, I’m guessing that’s not the only reason you want to chat.”
“Yeah.” Vince clears his throat. “Austin, there’s something we need to discuss.”
Everyone’s eyes dart to me, and I race through the possible reasons he’d want to speak to me. An update on the lawsuit from Coy, maybe? But that’d likely be a call from our lawyers. I’ve been on my best behavior since we left LA. “Don’t leave me in suspense,” I joke when he doesn’t continue.
The sound of papers shuffling from his end fills the silence. “Casey, can you bring Jayla Miller on the call with us as well?”
I glance up from the cell to where Jay stands a few feet away. She clearly heard him and her eyebrows lift as her gaze meets mine. I shrug, having no clue what he wants.
“I’m here. How are you, Vince?” she asks.
“Honestly, I’ve been better.”
She rolls her eyes at his response and I bite my lip to hold back my amusement.
“We’ve been following these little videos you’ve been making.” He tisks and his disapproval is clear. “Not good.”