I passed Maddie, Hannah, and Victoria in the stairway as they were heading off to art. “Hey,” I said to Maddie. She was now wearing the capelet, the faux fur swishing around her elbows as she strutted around. “So, is that, like, method acting?” I joked. “We don’t have a replacement, so just remember that Dracu-lass probably wouldn’t get paint on her clothes.”
Hannah rolled her eyes and looked at Victoria, who didn’t respond, but just wrapped her already luscious red curls around each finger to curl them more. Excuse me, Hannah? What was there to roll your eyes about that joke?
I know Maddie saw her, but she didn’t say anything. Well, she did, but it was to me. “I won’t!” she chirped, and then they all headed off downstairs together. She didn’t stop to talk to me about the movie or anything.
And when they were at the bottom of the stairs, Hannah laughed. I thought I heard Maddie say, “Come on, Hannah,” in a slightly irritated way, and then Hannah started to argue. Embarrassingly hopeful, I held myself still so I could hear more, but they were too far away by then.
Come on, Hannah. It doesn’t sound like much. But I feel like maybe Maddie at least stood up for me a bit. Kind of? I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to clutch at drips and drabs of my old best friend, hoping she’s still in there somewhere.
Love,
Twinkle
Monday, June 8
My room
Dear Haifaa al-Mansour,
I have an e-mail from Maddie. Stapling it below:
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Today
Hannah was only joking today in the stairway. I just wanted you to know.
<3 M
Okay, so first: Great. Take Hannah’s side, Maddie. Right when I thought you’d been a friend to me today. Fabulous.
Also? An e-mail? Maddie almost never sends me e-mails. She’s avoiding me because clearly her conscience is eating away at her and soon she will be nothing but an oily husk of regret.
And third, this isn’t an apology?? What does she expect me to say, Oh, no problem. It’s all good. I thought it was pretty funny how she was rolling her eyes and laughing at me anyways because you know how I love to pulverize my already sketchy self-esteem?
I don’t even know how to respond to this. Seriously, I don’t. There’s nothing I can say. If Maddie can’t even put herself in my shoes for more than half a second—ugggghh. I’m just not gonna respond.
A bit later
Obviously I responded. See below.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Today
Right. Okay. But just so you know, it’s never okay to roll your eyes or laugh at someone. I mean, that’s just rude.
—Twinkle
I bet she won’t respond to that. I mean, what could she even say?
Still later
OMG she responded.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Today
Hannah was doing that at something else, not you. She told me.
—M
So Hannah just happened to roll her eyes at the exact same time I made that joke? Mm-hmm. Super believable. And she just happened to make a joke and laugh right after, but that also had nothing to do with me.
What does Maddie not understand about how awful it feels to be made fun of for just existing? Why is this something I have to spell out for her?
Also? Still no apology. I’m not responding.
My computer just dinged. I thought it was an e-mail from Maddie again, maybe detailing exactly what joke Hannah was laughing at, or, if the universe liked me, another e-mail from N (I still haven’t responded to his poem; I’m trying to think of a cute thing to say), but it was Sahil!
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Font
Hi T,
Which font do you like better? See samples attached.
—Sahil
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
Font? Why do you want me to pick a font?
—Twinkle
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
All will be revealed soon! Pick, por favor.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
Hmm, #1.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
Excellent.
Wanna hang out after school tomorrow? Skid, Aaron, and I are going hiking at Red Fox Trail.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
Sure! But hiking after school?
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
I know, I know. Skid’s into botany and there’s an elusive variety of musk thistle that he’s desperate to track down. Aaron and I mostly just laugh at him and his nerdy plant guidebook the entire time, but it’s pretty fun.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
You had me at musk thistle. I’ll be there.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
Awesome! I’ll give you a ride after school if you want.
I can hang out with Sahil without all that electricity crackling between us. I’m sure I can do that. Also, I know I was being facetious about that whole musk thistle thing, but hiking with them does sound fun. (Even though most days I’d rather die than go outside to wheel the trash can to the curb.)
Love,
Twinkle
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Dudes. She’s coming on the hike with us tomorrow
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
yeah but is she coming as a friend or as a PGF?
From: Aaron
To: Sahil, Skid
PGF?
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
potential girlfriend
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Idk but I’m gonna make it clear that I like her as a PGF
From: Aaron
To: Sahil, Skid
Oh yeah? How are you gonna do that?
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Idk but I’ve got moves you guys haven’t even seen yet
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
lol right like how you knocked over the napkin dispenser at Perk? Come to think of it I HADN’T ever seen that move before
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
HILARIOUS
From: Aaron
To: Sahil, Skid
Aw come on we’re jk. Gl bro. We’ll keep our distance so we don’t impinge on your moves
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
yeah or accidentally steal her away. Girls just can’t resist me. it’s like this musk I put out or something
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
You probably got it from your musk thistle gtfo skidmark
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
did I tell you to never call me that on pain of DEATH
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Jeez. I’ll leaf you alone now but maybe you should just dill with it
From: Aaron
To: Sahil, Skid
Yeah Skid don’t forget the tree of us are best fronds
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
haha the botany puns never get old y’all are idiots
Nine
Tuesday, June 9
AP Econ
Dear Jane Campion,
Brij just asked me if he could audition for Dracula! Apparently he saw one of the many, many flyers Skid and Aaron helped us plaster all over the school. Sahil and I were a little worried we’d get a ticket from Principal Harris for littering or something because so many of them fell off (cheap dollar-store tape), but they must be working. Of course I told Brij yes. I even said Maddie would be there and winked at him, and he just stared at me, all openmouthed like he tends to do. He must be so smitten. I mean, I’m still mad at Maddie, but (a) she brought me my favorite Peanut Butter Chocolate Mountain Majesty cupcake from the Cupcake Doctor, and I know she had to wake up an hour early to do that and (b) I can’t let an opportunity for true love pass her by. Look, it’s a choice I’ve made. Maddie with her friends is not the Maddie I know.
Anyway, that’s one-tenth of the people we need to show up so we can have our pick for the remaining four roles. We’re ten percent of the way there! Huzzah! If I wasn’t so nervous about tomorrow I might pay attention in econ. Poor Mr. Newton just can’t compete with auditions for my first-ever paid gig though. Not even if there’s a quiz next week, which I am sure to only squeak by with a C on.
Brij just passed me a note. Wow. I didn’t think he was a note-passing kind of guy.
Do you want to study together for the quiz?
Sure. But I bet Maddie might want to come too. Is that okay?
Yep, no worries. I can bring Matthew.
Okay, cool. How about Sunday afternoon, maybe around two? We can meet at the library.
Sounds good.
Muahaha. Now I’ll stick them together and neither Maddie nor Brij will know what hit them. I should consider opening a matchmaking thingy on the side. Ooh, and maybe I could invite Sahil, Skid, and Aaron too. They’ve all been complaining about econ being overwhelming. Misery loves studying econ together.
Love,
Twinkle
June 9, 11:07 a.m.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: An ode to you
Dear N,
I love that poem. You are clearly extremely talented. Here’s one for you:
I wish I knew who you were
Your masked identity is like a burr
In my soul, dear N,
Please come forward and let this end!
Not that I don’t enjoy our e-mails. I just really want to know who you are. When can we meet up?
Love,
Twinkle
Tuesday, June 9
Honors Calculus
Dear Nora Ephron,
You are never going to believe what just happened.
So, I was at my locker getting my books when Sahil stopped by. It’s funny. I never noticed that his locker was so close to mine, but now that there’s less than a month and a half until school gets out, we’re friends who eat together and hang out and stuff. Go figure.
“Hey,” he said, smiling at me. “Meet me here after school and I’ll give you a ride to Red Fox.”
“Sure,” I replied, thinking inside how Sahil wouldn’t forget and ditch me like Maddie had. I mean, it’s Sahil.
And then, almost like my thoughts had conjured her, Maddie walked by with (as usual) Hannah and Victoria.
“Hey, Maddie!” I called, raising my hand to get her attention.
There was a pause after she looked my way, and my heart clenched. She wouldn’t ignore me when we were two feet away, would she? Of course she would, this cynical part of my brain said. She’s Maddie 2.0 around Hannah.
After another millisecond of hesitation, she smiled. “Hey, Twinkle.” I let out a breath as she walked over, trailed (reluctantly) by Hannah. Victoria came, too, but she looked neither pleased nor displeased to see me. Victoria’s teenaged Switzerland, I think.
I kept my eyes on Maddie, ignoring Hannah as completely as she was ignoring Sahil and me. My philosophy was that it was best not to give people an opportunity to act their worst. “Thanks for the cupcake. It was delish.”
“You’re welcome.” Even as she smiled, she darted an uneasy glance at Hannah, who’d sighed loudly and stepped away to talk to Victoria. Sahil shifted beside me, probably not used to being so close to Hannah’s irk. I, on the other hand, was a professional irk-bearer.
“So, I’m studying with Brij and Matthew on Sunday,” I said, closing my locker. Glancing at Hannah, I lowered my voice and waggled my eyebrows. “Do you want to come? I know how much you liked his binder.” I stretched the word “binder” out to about twenty-two syllables.
Maddie gave me a look, like she was plotting something deep and dark. “Yeah … and how’s the planning for the movie coming along? Because, as I recall, there are some perks to doing it for a pretty girl like you. …”
Oh my God. She was teasing me about Neil right in front of Sahil, and she was using those puns to torture me. Tit for tat—you got me, Maddie.
My cheeks fiery hot, I said quickly to Sahil, who was watching us in confusion, “Um. Do you, Skid, and Aaron want to come, too?”
“Sure,” Sahil said. “Thanks. But what perks is Maddie talking about?”
I widened my eyes, and Sahil and I looked at her together. My heart thundered. I wasn’t completely sure I wanted Sahil to know about my centuries-long unrequited crush on his brother.
I mean, yes, there was definitely something between Sahil and me. But I’d already decided that we were just going to be friends. So telling him would be better. So he’d know there was no chance for us. But a small part of me just kept thinking about how, if I told him, there would be no chance for us. That felt too … final. I wasn’t ready.
“Oh, that. I just, um, it’s not—” Maddie started to say, and then Hannah grabbed her by the arm. Maddie shot me a guilty look, but then Hannah said, “Maddie,” and she, Hannah, and Victoria all began to talk, their backs toward me. It was pretty obvious I was being purposely excluded from that conversation.
Don’t get me wrong. I was glad for the interruption. But also? It was super rude. And it made me feel like total crap. Did that guilt cupcake offering mean so little, Maddie? I suppose you’re right back to being Hannah’s doormat at my expense again.
I glanced at Sahil, a hot, liquidy feeling of utter humiliation rolling over me in a nauseating wave. His face was neutral, but his eyes were moving from Maddie to me. Slowly, as they kept talking, his face got steelier and steelier. “They’re just going to … ignore you? It’s been, like, a full minute.”
I shrugged and glanced down at my tattered shoes. My face was purple. I could feel it. “Ah, that’s … that’s okay. It happens.”
Sahil looked at me disbelievingly. “Yes, but it shouldn’t.”
And seeing him looking at me like that, hearing his words—yes, but it shouldn’t—I realized two things: (1) He was absolutely right and (2) So what if Maddie was too scared or intimidated or felt bad to stand up to Hannah? That didn’t mean I couldn’t.
My hands were shaking, but I forced myself to go up and tap Hannah on the shoulder. My heart was pounding so hard, I was sure my shirt was shaking.
She turned, her thin blond eyebrows sky high when she saw it was me.
<
br /> “It’s not okay to interrupt someone’s conversation like that.” I heard the quiver in my voice, but I kept going. “Also? It’s not okay to roll your eyes or laugh at people. We learned all of that in kindergarten, Hannah. Or at least, we were supposed to.”
Maddie’s face was pale. Victoria’s eyes widened, and she whipped out her cell phone and hid behind it, even though her tall red hair gave her away. I could see Sahil smiling encouragingly in my peripheral vision, and I straightened my shoulders. I had no idea what had come over me. But I was starting to get reeeeally tired. There’s only so much being invisible you can take before you just want to go supernova so no one can ignore you anymore.
(Not that this sweaty, shaking confrontation in front of my locker was exactly going supernova, but still. You had to start somewhere.)
Hannah looked so at ease, it was like she was born confronting people. (She probably was, now that I think about it. I could see her as a wrinkly newborn, demanding that the nurse wash her immediately.) She crossed her arms over her chest, and her fifty-two charm bracelets clinked together. “Why are you so angry, Twinkle?” she asked, smirking.
Because you’ve turned my smart, funny, confident best friend into a total bowl of Jell-O, I wanted to yell. Because you just take and take and take and never stop to think who you’re hurting. Because you’re a spoiled little brat. “Why are you so mean to me?” I asked. “What have I ever done to you?”
She just shook her head and yawned. She actually yawned. “Let’s go,” she said, and began to walk away. Victoria quirked her mouth at me, shrugged, and left.
Maddie stayed for a moment. “You … Don’t, Twinkle.”
I waited, but she didn’t say anything else. “Don’t what?”
“You’re just …You’re not helping.”
We looked at each other. Disappointment burned inside me. I don’t know what I’d expected, but it wasn’t for Maddie to just stay quiet the entire time and then imply I was making things worse.
“Fine,” I said, but my voice was so quiet, I wasn’t sure she heard me. Hitching her backpack up on her shoulders, she walked away.
I looked back at Sahil, my throat sore and tight. I wouldn’t cry in front of him. I would not.
“Wow,” he said, looking a little shell-shocked. “Are you okay?”
From Twinkle, With Love Page 9