by Ellie Hall
A little bit of snow remained above his lip on the scruff that was growing in. Instead of wiping it off, Kayla smirked then leaned in and kissed him, melting the snow.
His laugh was low and irresistible. “I think you’re the queen of the mountain.” He pulled her close and they both collapsed back into the snowbank, out of sight of anyone passing.
Their lips collided. He was warm as they kissed yet Kayla shivered with pleasure. Dallen smelled like the time between winter and spring. She felt like the thaw was near. Dallen cupped the side of her head with his hands and despite the snowball fight, they were warm, welcome. Then his fingers tangled into the pieces of her hair that had fallen loose from her hat, down her back then he laced his fingers with hers. It was like he wanted to explore every inch of her and she wanted to let him.
She enjoyed the taut sensation of his muscles, the softness of his lips, and the way his mouth on hers made her forget all her worries and filled her with excitement and happiness and fulfillment. But she pulled back, afraid to let it go any further because it could all be taken away.
Dallen’s breathing was rough. His eyes, heavy. Then he blinked a few times as though realizing where they were.
“We should probably—”
“Yeah.”
She went to the employee locker room while Dallen waited. She was perspiring beneath her ski gear and took a moment to splash cold water on her face, down a glass of water, and was ready to stuff snow down her shirt when worry worked through her like a chill.
Once more, she tried to shove the thoughts away when she got outside. Dallen stood by the gated entrance and was as tall and handsome and delicious as ever. She wanted to cast the doubts from her mind, tossing them away like snowballs but they didn’t go far.
She almost succeeded when Dallen asked, “Want to grab some lunch?”
The simplicity of the question collided over bigger ones that hadn’t been asked, rather they’d just happened. It was never do you want to go on a date or do you want to get married? They’d bypassed those milestones but somehow hadn’t. Even though she’d more or less sworn off marriage, they’d been thrust together into a warped version of a relationship and she’d liked it. But she didn’t want to. She didn’t want any part of it—putting her heart on the line or falling for him.
But she had.
He reached for her hand. “Come over here,” he said, pulling her close. “No more snowballs, I promise.”
“You broke rule number two.”
“I was in the upper offices in the main building and saw you down there with the pom pom on your hat bobbing around. I couldn’t resist. But I won’t break rule number one or three. That, you have my word on.”
“There’s a little flexibility on three. You know, if there’s a snowstorm, for instance.”
“What about the rules for a real marriage?” he asked.
She stopped in her tracks. “A real marriage?”
“Yeah, you know: to hold and to have, through better or worse. Wait. Do I have that right?”
Kayla giggled nervously as he held open the door to a deli. They ordered sandwiches and she saved them a seat by the window while he paid. He was a solid man, a good man. A huge step up, in height, among other things, compared to Bradley. Dallen had been sweet and had gone out of his way when he didn’t have to, but nagging doubts ran circles in her mind, catching her off guard, walloping her when she wasn’t paying attention.
Could they make it work? It felt like they’d become friends. He knew things about her she hadn’t talked about to other people and she reasoned not too many people knew exactly what happened between him and his brothers or his choice for celibacy. But still, she wasn’t sure she could trust it. Like the northern wind, the thoughts whirled through her mind, freezing her emotions in place.
Chapter 12
Dallen
Dallen sat down at the table in his favorite deli in town and took a swig of root beer.
Kayla settled in the chair opposite and placed her handbag on the table between them and fiddled with the strap. She pushed her glasses up on her nose. Her leg jiggled anxiously.
As wonderful as the kiss they’d shared in the snow had been, his mind had raced with doubts but he kept trying to outrun them. He sensed she was experiencing something similar.
Kayla blurted, “We hardly know each other.” She fidgeted with the saltshaker, the sugar packets, and the loose pieces of hair that framed her face.
He caught her eyes and held her gaze.
They must’ve mirrored his own: awash with fear and uncertainty. What were they doing? What was next?
The concerns had crossed his mind. They were in uncharted territory: unconventional in the way they’d met, how they’d found themselves in a fake relationship, and then the emotions that sizzled between them and only seemed to grow the more time they spent together. But as robust as they were, so were the doubts.
“You’re right. We hardly know each other. I suppose we should do something about that. How about a game of would you rather?” He tried to keep it light, easy. His thoughts and feelings were complicated enough.
She bit her lip and as always looked adorable, even when worried. “Okay, would you rather get one wish or see into the future?” She didn’t ask what was at stake because they both knew: their relationship or whatever it was called that was going on between them.
“I’ll go with a wish.” Words he’d spoken to his brother, ones he could never take back, echoed from the past. “How about you?”
“I’d rather see into the future,” Kayla said but her shoulders caved in as though the prospect scared her.
“My turn. Would you rather eat pizza or tacos for the rest of your life? This is a tough one but I’ll go with tacos. There are so many variations. In fact, if you think about it, pizza is like a flat taco with different fillings.”
“Or you could say a taco is like a pizza folded up. Pizza being my would you rather choice.”
“You’d go with pizza? Really?”
“Have you ever had a slice from Fratelli’s?” she asked.
“Only every day after hockey when I was in high school. My brothers once challenged me to a pizza-eating-off. They didn’t think I could down a whole pie. Guess who won? Although, they polished one off too. Actually, I haven’t had any pizza from there since.” But he had been there, the day he and his brothers had the falling out—they just hadn’t placed their orders.
Laughter fought its way from her mouth but then abruptly stopped, maybe because of the shadow he sensed came over him every time he thought about that terrible day. She was quiet for a moment then asked, “Would you rather have kids or puppies?”
Dallen choked on his soda. “Did you say kittens or puppies or kids and puppies?”
“Kids.”
That got serious fast. Then again, so did they. “Can I say both? Can’t we make up our own rules?”
“I don’t know, can we?” she asked. The corners of her eyes pinched and ripples crossed her brow.
The question hung in the air. They had made up their own rules, but Hawkins men were good at breaking rules, even the brotherly ones. “If we’re getting serious here would you rather live on the ranch or in town?” he asked. “I pick ranch. You?”
“If the ranch were an option, I’d—” She stopped herself and wrung her hands. “But, see—” She turned her gaze toward the ceiling. “This is just it. I don’t know what my options are.”
“It’s just a game. Nothing is actually at stake.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth his pulse thudded in his ears. He knew exactly what they both risked. Their hearts, love, the future.
“I don’t think that’s true.” Her voice was small. “There is a lot at stake but things have happened so fast and I’m not sure I can keep up.”
“Let’s try,” he said, but she was slipping away from him. “Ask me another. We can get to know each other.”
“Would you rather talk to your brothers and fix things bet
ween you guys or not have them at our fake wedding? What you said about rules, I guess it’s all up to us.”
His thoughts stopped at the words our. Us. Three letters, two—much like the word no. Those two words held so much potential. But also, so much gravity. They left room for expectations and disappointment. He heard the unspoken no in her voice. When she’d commented about how they hardly knew each other it was like she was saying no to them. Did she want to break it off? End things?
Kayla’s phone beeped with a text, the food arrived, and Dallen’s thoughts collided, exploded. He needed to be on the ranch, in the open air where he was free and didn’t have to think, no less address complicated emotions.
The message appeared on the screen and he read it before Kayla had a chance to flip it over. Her mother wanted to host an engagement party at the resort.
That would mean alerting his brothers. That would mean everything becoming real. If it became real, he could be rejected, publicly, just as his mother had done to his father.
The sandwiches sat on the table between them and they didn’t meet each other’s eyes. Dallen was afraid she’d see his fear and that he’d see her dismissal.
“Dallen, what are we doing?” The words echoed then got louder in his mind.
“What do you mean?” he asked. “Eating lunch?”
“This.” She gestured between them. “We can’t do this. I can’t remain focused on my future while trying to figure all of this out. I can’t have a career and a relationship. It comes with too many complications.” She stood.
“I knew it,” he said, rising to his feet. “I knew things would get intense and you’d back out. I let my guard down and—”
“I’m sorry.” Tears filled her eyes. “We have to call it off. I can’t fake marry you. Then what? We’d live fake lives. I have to focus on my career. You have the ranch and the horses. I have so much going on. You do too.”
“I agree. I don’t want it to be fake. I want something real. You have your career and what I hear you saying is that you don’t have time for me. Even if we went through with it, you’d probably take off, cheat, or break up with me down the road. Better to cut my losses now before it’s too late. I get it, Kayla.” He ground his teeth and his heart hammered. The words were like arrows and hit their target. But it was too late. He couldn’t take them back.
Before she could say anything to drive the stake deeper into his heart, he strode out of the deli. The wind whipped off the mountain and he put his head down and started walking. He wasn’t sure where he was going but he needed to cool off.
Kayla was right. Things between them had moved in unexpected directions and they’d moved fast. It would be easier to return to the way life was before she’d bumped into him at the coffee shop and then fell down. But he felt like he’d fallen on his backside along with her. However, it was like he kept falling even though the ground was dry stone beneath his feet.
He turned down a familiar street and found himself in front of the church where his parents had married and where Kayla said she’d like to have her wedding ceremony. He looked up at the steeple on the building and said, “Aw, heck. Really?” The seeming coincidence wasn’t lost on him.
As soon as the door closed at his back, the whirling thoughts in his mind went silent. A sense of peace flooded him as he kneeled in the pew. He said his usual prayers but then asked for understanding. He couldn’t make sense of what had happened between him and Kayla. As quickly as their whirlwind romance started, did it end just as quickly? In the deli of all places? Had he imagined their feelings for each other? Was he just meant to live out his days on the ranch, alone?
All he knew was it felt like a wound had opened in his chest and he wanted to do everything he could to avoid feeling it. But he stayed on his knees waiting for guidance, wondering why it hurt so bad, trying to see his way through it.
When the bells rang, signaling an hour had passed, he got to his feet. The chores on the ranch needed tending.
He went for a ride on Genesis, letting Jasper trail them. The Clydesdale had the good sense not to try to flirt with Genesis just then. How was it he trusted his horses but couldn’t trust a woman? It had all happened as he’d expected. Things got too intense and she left.
But then so did he.
As the afternoon headed toward evening, Dallen busied himself but he couldn’t shake the sense that something was missing. He was forgetting something important. A chore? A meeting? A call?
After he mucked the stalls, fixed a broken belt on the tractor, and finished the fence repair he’d started on his birthday, he went inside for a glass of something cold to drink. On the counter, a single cupcake Kayla had baked remained. He fought the urge to pull off the top and bring it to her. But he couldn’t. She’d made it clear she wanted nothing to do with him.
He was missing her and couldn’t do anything about it but it wasn’t only her that left his heart in shambles. He also missed his brothers. He pulled his phone from his pocket and scrolled through his contacts until he found the name, Tripp.
The call went to voicemail and Dallen set it on the counter without leaving a message. He picked up the cupcake. It was probably stale anyway. He tossed it in the trash and put the plate in the sink.
Disappointment, regret, and frustration careened through his mind, sinking heavily down into his chest then stomach. He gripped the edge of the countertop with both hands and let it support him for a moment.
He didn’t want to be alone, not even if it meant taking risks. Risking his own heart for the people he loved. He knew it then. He loved Kayla. It had happened suddenly and fast and unexpectedly but he couldn’t deny his feelings. He told himself he’d originally agreed to go along with the fake date then fake marriage arrangement because he needed to get married to help out his brothers and fulfill his father’s wishes. It was also because he hated to see Kayla buried under her family’s pressure. However, the real reason was that deep down under his doubts and fears he thought maybe he could make her happy. That she could do the same for him. But she didn’t feel the same way. He sighed at the same time his phone lit with a call.
It was Tripp. “Dallen, you okay?”
“No. But that’s not why I called. I heard you’re getting married and despite our differences, I want to congratulate you and wish you the best in your future together.”
“Thanks. That’s big of you. I, uh, I’ve been meaning to call. I’d lie and say I’ve been busy, haven’t had time, but I wasn’t sure what to say, especially after everything that happened.”
Dallen thought of the blowout they’d had at Fratelli’s. “I was on your side. I didn’t want to go against Dad’s last wishes.”
“I know but everything fell apart. Remember there was the thing you said about that girl in high school, and you admitted to the prank you and Blake played on me during hockey, saying I deserved to lose.” Resentment laced Tripp’s voice.
“Yeah, well, you always won and just because you were here first didn’t mean you got dibs on everything.” Dallen’s nostrils flared with anger.
“If you thought about everything you said before you said it, particularly the one about wishing I was never born, you’d see that there are some flaws in your reasoning. If there was no me, likely, there’d be no you.”
Dallen opened his mouth, ready to fire back and then started laughing deep from his belly. “What are we doing?”
Tripp’s laughter filtered through the phone in response. “What are we doing? Picking up where we left off.”
“Dang, I needed that.”
“What? To fight with me?”
“No, to laugh. Everything has gotten pretty serious lately.”
There was a pause on the other end then Tripp said, “You said something was wrong. What happened? If you want to talk about it.”
Dallen told Tripp everything that happened between him and Kayla.
When he listed his fifth objection to the relationship, Tripp interjected. “Not all women are
Mom. In fact, she’s kind of messed up. You can’t measure other women against her. It’s not fair to them. Trust me, I learned this the hard way and wasted three years without the love of my life. Remember Sadie?”
Of course, he did. Tripp had been head over heels over the girl. “Is she listening?” Dallen quickly asked.
“No, she’s inside a bakery. Picking out macarons, croissants, eclairs. I stepped outside to call you back.”
“Aren’t all of those French?”
“Very cultured of you, Bro, and yes.”
“Are you in France?”
“I am. The city of love, Man. Dad taught us to be rugged but there’s nothing wrong with opening up. It isn’t easy but love is always worth it.”
They chatted for a few more minutes before hanging up. The conversation left Dallen feeling more clarity than he had in a long time. He and Kayla were both left by people they loved. But that didn’t mean they had to break each other’s hearts. It was worth it to him to try to give it a chance. Not the fake marriage part but the real relationship part.
It was important to live in the present, but he still had to let go of the past too. He’d lost his family because everyone was too stubborn to express their feelings. He wasn’t going to lose the girl he loved too.
Chapter 13
Kayla
Kayla felt crushed. From her mother’s pressure—the text about hosting the engagement party at the resort opened the floodgates and she’d been averaging a text every six minutes. Also, from breaking things off with Dallen. She no longer knew what she wanted other than sitting on her couch forever with a bag of chocolates left over from Valentine’s Day.
She fell asleep, dreamt of pizza, tacos, cats and dogs, handsome cowboys and a gray sky that felt like it was pressing down upon her shoulders. Then with a beeping tone, it lifted and she opened her eyes. Kayla was still on the couch and her phone was still beeping with messages but it was the next day.