I appeared and attended. Attempted to be reasonable. “Look here Bergman what is this business.” Read him an essay I’d written about how the State should not muck about in the affairs of its vassals overmuch. Citizen Bergman unamused.
“It appears that you are the owner or proprietor perhaps of a monster going under the name of Charles Evans Hughes?”
“Yes but what has that to do with —”
“Said monster inhabiting quarters at 12 Tryst Lane?”
“That is correct.”
“This monster being of humanoid appearance and characteristics, including ability to locomote, production of speech of a kind, ingestion of viands, and traffic with other beings?”
“Well, ‘traffic’ is hardly the word. Simple commands he can cope with. Nothing fancy. Sit. Eat. Speak. Roll over. Beg. That sort of thing.”
“This monster being employed by you in the capacity, friend?”
“Well, employed is not quite right.”
“He is remunerated is he not?”
“The odd bit of pocket money.”
“On a regular basis.”
“See here Bergman it’s an allowance. For little things he needs. Cigarettes and handkerchiefs and the like. Nose drops.”
“He is nevertheless in receipt of sums of money from you on a regular basis?”
“He is forty-four percent metal, Officer.”
“The metal content of said monster does not interest the Bureau. What we are interested in is compliance.”
“Wherein have I failed to comply?”
“You have not submitted Form 244 which governs paid companionship, including liaisons with prostitutes and pushing of wheelchairs by hired orderlies not provided by the Bureau of Perpetual Help. You have also failed to remit the Paid Companionship Tax which amounts to one hundred twenty-two percent of all moneys changing hands in any direction.”
“One hundred twenty-two percent!”
“That is the figure. There is also a penalty for noncompliance. The penalty is two hundred twelve percent of one hundred twenty-two percent of five dollars a week figured over five years, which I believe is the period at issue.”
“What about depreciation?”
“Depreciation is not figurable in the case of monsters.”
I went home feeling less than sunny.
He had a knowing look that I’d painted myself. One corner of the mouth curled upward and the other downward, when he smiled. There was no grave-robbing or anything of that sort. Plastic and metal did very nicely. You can get the most amazing things in drugstores. Fingernails and eyelashes and such. The actual construction was a matter of weeks. I considered sending the plans to Popular Mechanics. So that everyone could have one.
He was calm — calm as a hat. Whereas I was nervous as a strobe light, had the shakes, Valium in the morning and whiskey beginning at two o’clock in the afternoon.
Everything was all right with him.
“Crushed in an elevator at the welfare hotel!” someone would say.
“It’s a very serious problem,” Charles would answer.
When I opened the door, he was sitting in the rocking chair reading Life.
“Charles,” I said, “they’ve found out.”
“Seventy-seven percent of American high-school students declare that religion is important to them, according to a recent Louis Harris poll,” Charles said, rocking gently.
“Charles,” I said, “they want money. The Paid Companionship Tax. It’s two hundred twelve percent of one hundred twenty-two percent of five dollars a week figured over five years, plus of course the basic one hundred twenty-two percent.”
“That’s a lot of money,” Charles said, smiling. “A pretty penny.”
“I can’t pay,” I said. “It’s too much.”
“Well,” he said, both smiling and rocking, “fine. What are you going to do?”
“Disassemble,” I said.
“Interesting,” he said, hitching his chair closer to mine, to demonstrate interest. “Where will you begin?”
“With the head, I suppose.”
“Wonderful,” Charles said. “You’ll need the screwdriver, the pliers, and the Skilsaw. I’ll fetch them.”
He got up to go to the basement. A thought struck him. “Who will take out the garbage?” he asked.
“Me. I’ll take it out myself.”
He smiled. One corner of his mouth turned upward and the other downward, “Well,” he said, “right on.”
I called him my friend and thought of him as my friend. In fact I kept him to instruct me in complacency. He sat there, the perfect noncombatant. He ate and drank and slept and awoke and did not change the world. Looking at him I said to myself, “See, it is possible to live in the world and not change the world.” He read the newspapers and watched television and heard in the night screams under windows thank God not ours but down the block a bit, and did nothing. Without Charles, without his example, his exemplary quietude, I run the risk of acting, the risk of risk. I must participate, I must leave the house and walk about.
The New Member
The presiding officer noted that there was a man standing outside the window looking in.
The members of the committee looked in the direction of the window and found that the presiding officer’s observation was correct: There was a man standing outside the window looking in.
Mr. Macksey moved that the record take note of the fact.
Mr. O’Donoghue seconded. The motion passed.
Mrs. Brown wondered if someone should go out and talk to the man standing outside the window.
Mrs. Mallory suggested that the committee proceed as if the man standing outside the window wasn’t there. Maybe he’d go away, she suggested.
Mr. Macksey said that that was an excellent idea and so moved.
Mr. O’Donoghue wondered if the matter required a motion.
The presiding officer ruled that the man standing outside the window looking in did not require a motion.
Ellen West said that she was frightened.
Mr. Birnbaum said there was nothing to be frightened about.
Ellen West said that the man standing outside the window looked larger than a man to her. Maybe it was not human, she said.
Mr. Macksey said that that was nonsense and that it was only just a very large man, probably.
The presiding officer stated that the committee had a number of pressing items on the agenda and wondered if the meeting could go forward.
Not with that thing out there, Ellen West said.
The presiding officer stated that the next order of business was the matter of the Worth girl.
Mr. Birnbaum noted that the Worth girl had been doing very well.
Mrs. Brown said quite a bit better than well, in her opinion.
Mr. O’Donoghue said that the improvement was quite remarkable.
The presiding officer noted that the field in which she, the Worth girl, was working was a very abstruse one and, moreover, one in which very few women had successfully established themselves.
Mrs. Brown said that she had known the girl’s mother quite well and that she had been an extremely pleasant person.
Ellen West said that the man was still outside the window and hadn’t moved.
Mr. O’Donoghue said that there was, of course, the possibility that the Worth girl was doing too well.
Mr. Birnbaum said there was such a thing as too much too soon.
Mr. Percy inquired as to the girl’s age at the present time and was told she was thirty-five. He then said that didn’t sound like “too soon” to him.
The presiding officer asked for a motion.
Mr. O’Donoghue moved that the Worth girl be hit by a car.
Mr. Birnbaum seconded.
The presiding officer asked for discussion.
Mrs. Mallory asked if Mr. O’Donoghue meant fatally. Mr. O’Donoghue said he did.
Mr. Percy said he thought that a fatal accident, while consonant with t
he usual procedures of the committee, was always less interesting than something that left the person alive, so that the person’s situation was still, in a way, “open.”
Mr. O’Donoghue said that Mr. Percy’s well-known liberalism was a constant source of strength and encouragement to every member of the committee, as was Mr. Percy’s well-known predictability.
Mrs. Mallory said wouldn’t it look like the committee was punishing excellence?
Mr. O’Donoghue said that a concern for how things looked was not and should never be a consideration of the committee.
Ellen West said that she thought the man standing outside the window looking in was listening. She reminded the committee that the committee’s deliberations were supposed to be held in camera.
The presiding officer said that the man could not hear through the glass of the window.
Ellen West said was he sure?
The presiding officer asked if Ellen West would like to be put on some other committee.
Ellen West said that she only felt safe on this committee.
The presiding officer reminded her that even members of the committee were subject to the decisions of the committee, except of course for the presiding officer.
Ellen West said she realized that and would like to move that the Worth girl fall in love with somebody.
The presiding officer said that there was already a motion before the committee and asked if the committee was ready for a vote. The committee said it was. The motion was voted on and failed, 14-4.
Ellen West moved that the Worth girl fall in love with the man standing outside the window.
Mr. Macksey said you’re just trying to get him inside so we can take a look at him.
Ellen West said well, why not, if you’re so sure he’s harmless.
The presiding officer said that he felt that if the man outside were invited inside, a confusion of zones would result, which would be improper.
Mr. Birnbaum said that it might not be a bad idea if the committee got a little feedback from the people for whom it was responsible, once in a while.
Mrs. Mallory stated that she thought Mr. Birnbaum’s idea about feedback was a valuable and intelligent one but that she didn’t approve of having such a warm and beautiful human being as the Worth girl fall in love with an unknown quantity with demonstrably peculiar habits, vide the window, just to provide feedback to the committee.
Mrs. Brown repeated that she had known the Worth girl’s mother.
Mr. Macksey asked if Ellen West intended that the Worth girl’s love affair be a happy or an unhappy one.
Ellen West said she would not wish to overdetermine somebody else’s love affair.
Mr. O’Donoghue moved that the Worth girl be run over by a snowmobile.
The presiding officer said that O’Donoghue was out of order and also that in his judgment Mr. O’Donoghue was reintroducing a defeated motion in disguised form.
Mr. O’Donoghue said that he could introduce new motions all night long, if he so chose.
Mrs. Brown said that she had to be home by ten to receive a long-distance phone call from her daughter in Oregon.
The presiding officer said that as there was no second, Ellen West’s motion about the man outside the window need not be discussed further. He suggested that as there were four additional cases awaiting disposition by the committee he wondered if the case of the Worth girl, which was after all not that urgent, might not be tabled until the next meeting.
Mr. Macksey asked what were the additional cases.
The presiding officer said those of Dr. Benjamin Pierce, Casey McManus, Cynthia Croneis, and Ralph Lorant.
Mr. Percy said that those were not very interesting names. To him.
Mr. Macksey moved that the Worth girl be tabled. Mr. Birnbaum seconded. The motion carried.
Mr. Birnbaum asked if he might have a moment for a general observation bearing on the work of the committee. The presiding officer graciously assented.
Mr. Birnbaum said that he had observed, in the ordinary course of going around taking care of his business and so on, that there were not many pregnant women now. He said that yesterday he had seen an obviously pregnant woman waiting for a bus and had remembered that in the last half year he had seen no others. He said he wondered why this was and whether it wasn’t within the purview of the committee that there be more pregnant women, for the general good of the community, to say nothing of the future.
Mrs. Mallory said she knew why it was.
Mr. Birnbaum said why? and Mrs. Mallory smiled enigmatically.
Mr. Birnbaum repeated his question and Mrs. Mallory smiled enigmatically again.
Oh me oh my, said Mr. Birnbaum.
The presiding officer said that Mr. Birnbaum’s observations, as amplified in a sense by Mrs. Mallory, were of considerable interest.
He said further that such matters were a legitimate concern of the committee and that if he might be allowed to speak for a moment not as the presiding officer but merely as an ordinary member of the committee he would urge, strongly urge, that Cynthia Croneis become pregnant immediately and that she should have twin boys.
Hear hear, said Mr. Macksey.
How about a boy and a girl? asked Ellen West.
The presiding officer said that would be O.K. with him.
This was moved, seconded, and voted unanimously.
On Mr. Macksey’s motion it was decided that Dr. Pierce win fifty thousand dollars in the lottery.
It was pointed out by Mrs. Brown that Dr. Pierce was already quite well fixed, financially.
The presiding officer reminded the members that justice was not a concern of the committee.
On Mr. Percy’s motion it was decided that Casey McManus would pass the Graduate Record Examination with a score in the upper 10 percent. On Mr. O’Donoghue’s motion it was decided that Ralph Lorant would have his leg broken by having it run over by a snowmobile.
Mr. Birnbaum looked at the window and said he’s still out there.
Mr. O’Donoghue said for God’s sake, let’s have him in.
Mr. Macksey went outside and asked the man in.
The man hesitated in the doorway for a moment.
Mr. Percy said come in, come in, don’t be nervous.
The presiding officer added his urgings to Mr. Percy’s.
The man left the doorway and stood in the middle of the room.
The presiding officer inquired if the man had, perhaps, a grievance he wished to bring to the attention of the committee.
The man said no, no grievance.
Why then was he standing outside the window looking in? Mr. Macksey asked.
The man said something about just wanting to “be with somebody.”
Mr. Percy asked if he had a family, and the man said no.
Are you from around here? asked Mrs. Mallory, and the man shook his head.
Employed? asked Mr. Birnbaum, and the man shook his head.
He wants to be with somebody, Mrs. Mallory said.
Yes, said the presiding officer, I understand that.
It’s not unusual, said Mr. Macksey.
Not unusual at all, said Mrs. Brown. She again reminded the members that she had to be home by ten to receive a call from her daughter in Oregon.
Maybe we should make him a member of the committee, said Mr. Percy.
He could give us some feedback, said Mr. Birnbaum. I mean, I would assume that.
Ellen West moved that the man be made a member of the committee. Mr. Birnbaum seconded. The motion was passed, 12-6.
Mr. Percy got up and got a folding chair for the man and pulled it up to the committee table.
The man sat down in the chair and pulled it closer to the table.
All right, he said. The first thing we’ll do is, we’ll make everybody wear overalls. Gray overalls. Gray overalls with gray T-shirts. We’ll have morning prayers, evening prayers, and lunch prayers. Calisthenics for everyone over the age of four in the 5-7 P.M. time slot. Bouto
nnieres are forbidden. Nose rings are forbidden. Gatherings of one or more persons are prohibited. On the question of bedtime, I am of two minds.
To London and Rome
Do you know what I want more than anything else? Alison asked.
What? I said.
A sewing-machine Alison said, with button-hole-making attachments.
THERE WAS A BRIEF PAUSE
There are so many things I could do with it, for instance fixing up last year’s fall dresses and lots of other things.
THERE WAS A LONG PAUSE
Wonderful! Alison said sitting at the controls of the Necchi and making buttonholes in a copy of the New York Times Sunday Magazine. Her eyes glistened. I had also bought a two-year subscription to Necchi News because I could not be sure that her interest would not be held for that long at least.
THERE WAS A TREMENDOUS PAUSE DURING WHICH I BOUGHT HER A NECCHI SEWING-MACHINE
Then I bought her a purple Rolls which we decided to park on the street because our apartment building had no garage. Alison said she absolutely loved the Rolls! and gave me an enthusiastic kiss. I paid for the car with a check drawn on the First City Bank.
THERE WAS A PAUSE BROKEN ONLY BY THE HUMMING OF THE NECCHI
Peter Alison said, what do you want to do now?
THERE WAS AN INTERVAL
Oh I don’t know I said.
Well we can’t simply sit around the apartment Allison said so we went to the races at Aqueduct where I bought a race horse that was running well out in front of the others. What a handsome race horse! Alison said delightedly. I paid for the horse with a check on the Capital National Bank.
THERE WAS A LONG INTERVAL
The trailer was attached by means of a trailer hitch, which I bought when it became clear that the trailer could not be hitched up without one, to the back of our new Rolls. The horse’s name was Dan and I bought a horse blanket, which he was already wearing but which did not come with him, to keep him warm.
THERE WAS AN INTERMISSION BETWEEN RACES SO WE WENT AROUND TO THE STABLE AND BOUGHT A HORSE TRAILER
He is beautiful Alison said.
A front-runner too I said.
After stopping for lunch at Howard Johnson’s where we fed Dan some fried clams which he seemed to like very much Alison said: Do you know what we’ve completely forgotten? I knew that there was something but although I thought hard I could not imagine what it was.
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