by Sarah Noffke
Lee chuckled too. “Well, after he peed his pants, he took off running. Which is when I threw the mud clump at the back of his head.”
“And that ended him?” Rudolf asked as he scanned the streets of Zanzibar, looking for the Fierce—the little fairy-like creature that led the way to the Great Library.
Lee shook her head. “No, then I went over to the guy and pulled out a bunch of nicotine patches. I yanked up his shirt and stuck them to the middle of his back.”
“Oh man, that’s the hardest part to reach,” Rudolf said, impressed. “I can never scratch that part of my back, and my wife refuses to do it. She said the last time she touched me, I gave her three mouths to feed.”
“I don’t blame her,” Lee replied. “Then I used a sticking spell so the guy couldn’t get the patches off for a while even if he could reach them.”
Rudolf stopped in the main square closest to the beach, looking for the little flicker of light that represented the Fierce. Having spent some time in the role of leading magical creatures to the Great Library, he was excellent at finding the speedy little guy. It was something a former Fierce was gifted with for their years of service. Rudolf’s was more of a penance. He’d been given the role for accidentally creating Crater Lake in Southern Oregon. How was he supposed to know the fireworks he bought off that elf weren’t actually fireworks but rather to blow up small stars? It had said that on the label, but who had time to read such things?
“I don’t really understand your assassin technique there,” Rudolf dared to admit.
“Well, I knew that if I got the guy addicted to nicotine, he’d take up smoking,” Lee explained.
“Oh, right,” Rudolf said, nodding. “So then he became a smoker and died, right?”
“Yep,” Lee declared proudly. “Like a few dozen years later, but not of smoking. He got hit by a bus, but I still made good on my promise. I killed him.”
“How do you figure?” Rudolf asked.
“Well, he was crossing the street to go to the mart to buy cigarettes,” Lee explained.
Rudolf clapped his hands. “That’s brilliant. You’re simply the best assassin in the world.”
Lee pursed her lips. “That’s what I’ve been telling people, but then I have to kill them, and there’s no one who really gets me. Sophia says that my approaches are not direct enough, and I should just knife someone instead of doing these elaborate things.”
He waved her off. “Stabbing someone sounds boring. I like your approach much better.”
“Good,” Lee stated. “I can tell you’re a very reasonable and intelligent person.”
Rudolf smiled widely. “You know, I’ve always thought so, but in all these centuries, you’re the first person to say that.”
Lee appeared shocked. “Do you see why I’m an assassin? I see what I do as a community service. The world is better off without most people on it.”
Rudolf sighed. “I wish I had a cool job like you. I’m just a boring old king of an entire race of magical creatures.”
“Yeah, I know,” Lee admitted. “But most aren’t cut out for what I do.”
“Because you have to deal with the sight of blood a lot, like doctors and nurses?” Rudolf asked.
Lee grimaced. “I can’t stand the sight of blood. No, because of the bureaucracy. The assassin’s union makes it difficult to do pretty much anything. Then there’s all this fair wage bullshit where they try and standardize the cost of a hit when each case is different.” She shrugged. “It’s an age-old debate, and if the old folks in this business have their way, they’ll set us back to the dark ages.”
“Why don’t you just kill them, then?” Rudolf suggested.
Lee’s eyes widened with surprise. She slapped the fae in the arm. “That’s a brilliant idea. Why didn’t I think of that?”
He cradled his arm like it was broken. “That’s why they call me an idea man. Well, no one really calls me that, but you could start, and maybe it will catch on.”
Lee shook her head. “No, I don’t think I want others knowing what a genius you are. I’m going to reserve all your great ideas for myself. Sorry.”
Rudolf shrugged. “I get it. But next time I have a great genius idea, just thank me. You don’t have to assault my precious arms.”
“Sorry,” she said, meaning it. “I forget that I have the strength of a gorilla.” Lee glanced around the square, surrounded by tall buildings and a bell tower. The ocean could be heard in the distance, crashing against the white shores. “So we’re looking for a guide, you said? What does he or she look like?”
“Probably a male,” Rudolf answered. “Females are never chosen to be a Fierce because they are awful with directions.”
A murderous expression fell across Lee’s face. “I happen to be a female.”
He nodded. “Then I don’t have to explain this to you. Anyway, he will have wings and be surrounded by golden light.”
Lee searched the square. “Well, that seems easy enough to find.”
“Oh, and he’s the size of a coffee cup,” Rudolf remarked.
Dropping her chin, Lee let out a frustrated growl. “I think you could have led with that.”
Rudolf waved off her annoyance. “Don’t start planning my elaborate death just yet. I know where to find the Fierce. We just look for the sparkling light.”
There were reflections of lights all over the brick square due to the bits of shiny paper that hung overhead meant to scare away crows and other types of birds.
“Right,” Lee said, her irritation growing. “So I search out the hundreds of sparkling lights on this side of the courtyard and what, you’ll take the other side? Then when we’re done, I’ll think about changing my practices and stab you with a blunt knife?”
Rudolf thought this over as if it was an idea that had merit. “No, but after we’re done here, I’ll take you to see Murray. He’s the guy who sharpens all my knives. Nice guy and he comes to you. Sharpens the knives from the trunk of his car.”
“Doesn’t seem sketchy in the least.” Lee’s eyes fluttered with annoyance.
“Not at all,” Rudolf agreed. “He also sells me designer watches at the market rate, which is how I know they are legit. If they weren’t, he’d slash the prices.”
“Remember when I called you brilliant earlier?” Lee asked seriously.
“Yeah, that’s when we became besties,” Rudolf remarked. “I’ve already thought about matching T-shirts.”
“Hold off a bit longer on that order,” Lee urged.
“Well, anyway, as your brilliant friend, don’t worry, I know exactly how to find the Fierce.”
“Please, just don’t say it involves looking for a sparkling light.” She shielded her eyes with her hand against the flickering lights around the courtyard.
“Well, it does, but I know a more specific place to look because I was once the Fierce,” Rudolf explained.
“If you were once the Fierce, why can’t you just lead us to the Great Library?”
“Because its location changes and the only way to get there is by following the Fierce,” he imparted.
“Why does the magical world have to be so annoyingly clever?” Lee asked.
“Well, it is, but not more so than me,” Rudolf said proudly. He led them through a narrow alleyway that emptied at the ocean. The turquoise waters crashed onto the beach, and the sun sparkled on the surface of the ocean.
“Wow, that’s beautiful,” Lee said, breathless. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to get out of the bakery. Overdue, I’d say. Good thing Sophia sent me on this mission.”
“I believe you begged for it.” Rudolf licked his finger and stuck it in the air. “Now, don’t get distracted by pretty water and men in speedos.”
“I think the bigger concern is that I’ll throw up from seeing men in speedos,” Lee replied.
He cut his eyes at her. “You’ll never catch a beau with an attitude like that.”
She furrowed her brow at him. “You d
id gather back at the bakery that I have a wife, right?”
He shrugged. “I have one too, but that wouldn’t stop me if I wanted to take another lover. Of course, what does stop me is the idea of being strangled in my sleep by my dear sweet queen.”
“Sounds like my kind of woman,” Lee said with a wink.
“She’s taken,” he stated protectively. “Now, let me focus here. The Fierce likes to sunbathe about this time, so I’m sure he’s somewhere on this beach.”
“What a dump,” Lee said, looking off the coast.
“Seriously, stop checking out men and give me some quiet,” Rudolf warned.
She shook her head. “Again, not checking out guys. I have a wife, and I’m not interested in men.”
“Sounds like a limiting attitude to me,” he muttered, counting on his fingers. “The fae love all genders. Women, men, cudi, lund—”
“Those last two aren’t genders,” Lee corrected.
He nodded. “Magicians don’t have them. Fae quit breeding with them because of some confusion about anatomy they apparently took offense to. Anyway, if they weren’t so uptight, they’d still be around, and we’d have quite the menagerie of parties at the Burning Man. The cudi especially know how to go down—”
“I feel like we need to stop talking,” Lee cut in.
He pursed his lips at her. “Fine. If you don’t want to hear about an epic limbo contest, then I won’t share with you.”
“Sounds good,” she chirped as he went back to studying the beach.
“That’s such a strange building,” Lee mumbled to herself.
“I thought we weren’t talking,” Rudolf scolded. “I’m trying to find the Fierce so I can take us to the Great Library.”
She shrugged. “Sorry, I just find that building right over there so perplexing.”
He glanced in the direction she was pointing and immediately did a double-take. “For the love of me!” he exclaimed. “That’s the Great Library!”
Chapter Nineteen
Lee glanced at the rickety old shack perched above a crumbling rock just off the coast. “That’s the Great Library? The place I’ve heard has every single book in the world?”
“All but one,” Rudolf corrected. “But yes.”
“I’m guessing that it’s not what it seems then? I thought we needed the Fierce to find the Great Library.” Lee scratched her head.
“We are supposed to,” he replied perplexed. “Something must be wrong. Maybe the Fierce is dead or the glamour wore off. Or the elves finally took over the real estate market. OR!” Rudolf clapped his hands to the side of his head, shock covering his face. “Oh, my gods! I can see through glamour! Finally, the spell worked!”
Lee rolled her eyes. “Then how do you explain how I can see it too, Einstein?”
“You can see through glamour, too?”
The assassin shook her head. “No, I think the answer is a bit more complex, but come on. We will have to find out on our own. Unless you’re done here now that you’ve led me to the Great Library.”
“No way, Jose,” Rudolf replied. “I’ve got to find out what’s going on.”
The pair made their way down the beach to the shack precariously stationed on the top of the boulder in the ocean. They had to wade through knee-deep waters to get to the crumbling staircase. When they reached the top, Rudolf grabbed the front door and flashed a toothy grin. “Ready to be amazed?”
Lee didn’t appear overly excited. “Let me guess it’s bigger on the inside.”
He deflated slightly. “Yes, but also—”
“There’s miles and miles of books,” Lee said dryly.
Rudolf grimaced. “You really know how to take the wind out of some sail.”
She nodded proudly. “It’s sort of a gift.”
“I’m canceling the matching bestie T-shirts.” Rudolf swung the door open.
“I think that’s for the best,” Lee said. “I only wear aprons and assassin wear.”
“Which is precisely what?” Rudolf wanted to know as they filed into the Great Library.
Lee never answered his question on what assassin’s wear included because her mouth fell open, and her eyes widened with shock. “Holy hell! This place is incredible.”
“Well, I told you that, but whatever.” Rudolf searched the long row in front of them that went on for hundreds of yards. On either side were shelf after shelf, all piled high with books. The second floor was open and identical to the top one. The light reflecting off the waters of Zanzibar streamed through the wall of windows on either side. Even if the Great Library wasn’t full of every book ever written, except one, it would still be an architectural masterpiece.
“We’re closed,” a familiar voice said from behind a shelf.
Lee looked back and forth, but Rudolf knew better and glanced down as the lynx known as Liv Beaufont’s sidekick came around the corner.
“Well, hi there, little kitty,” Rudolf cheerfully greeted Plato.
“I thought I smelled something dumb,” Plato said dryly.
Rudolf sniffed at his armpits. “Do I still smell like low-fat cheese? I thought I got rid of that.”
Lee shook her head. “Talking cat. Totally normal.”
“Yes, I talk,” the black and white cat admitted. Ever since Liv had won the war against the God Magician, Plato had become a bit warmer. He now hung around instead of disappearing and would talk in front of others who weren’t the Warrior for the House of Fourteen. It had something to do with realizing life was short, and he wasn’t going to live forever…well, close to, but not entirely. “I’ve got enough problems without having to deal with you, King Rudolf. What do you want?”
“Good to see you too,” Rudolf said, turning and pointing over his shoulder. “To add to your problems, it appears the Fierce is missing, and the glamour isn’t working for the Great Library. Did you remember to pay your glamour subscription fees?”
Plato didn’t appear impressed. “The Fierce are all on strike. I don’t suppose you want to take back your old position?”
Rudolf considered this for a moment. “I would, but I’ve got this pesky kingdom to run.”
“I thought you said it pretty much ran itself,” Lee countered.
He leaned forward and whispered through tight lips, “I’m trying to be polite. Maybe don’t call me out in front of the lynx.”
She shrugged as if she might consider it.
Plato jumped up on a nearby table, waving his white-tipped tail in the air. “It doesn’t matter. A Fierce won’t do me any good without a librarian, which is how this whole problem came about.”
Rudolf pulled out a chair at the table and took a seat, putting his feet up on its surface. “Tell your best buddy all about your problems.”
“Well, first of all, there’s this idiot who is putting his wet feet on the surface of an antique table, and I’m trying to figure out how to kill him,” Plato began matter-of-factly.
Rudolf combed his hand over his chin, thinking. “Have you considered being direct? I’ve found that sometimes people don’t get it unless you’re blunt.” He leaned forward. “People can be pretty thick.”
Lee patted on Rudolf’s shoulder. “He’s referring to you, smarty pants.”
Rudolf pulled his gaze to his dripping wet loafers and scrunched up his brow, realizing his oversight. Discreetly, he pulled them off the surface of the table. “Oh, right. Easy mistake to make.”
Lee shook her head and looked at the lynx. “He’s a special kind of stupid, isn’t he?”
“You have no idea,” Plato told her dryly. “How did you get paired up with him?”
“If you can believe it, I begged for this,” she answered. “In my obviously deranged brain, I thought going on an adventure with the fae would be less painful than having fairies scrub my entire body with brillo pads.”
“That will teach you,” the lynx replied before going back to Rudolf. “Why are you here?”
“My godchild sent us on an errand,” Rudolf
stated, putting his hands behind his head and leaning back.
“You don’t have a godchild because, as far as I’m aware, no one is mental enough to put their offspring in your hands should they perish,” Plato stated.
Rudolf shrugged. “It’s not common knowledge that Sophia Beaufont is my godchild.”
“So not common knowledge that no one but you know about it?” Plato questioned.
“What gives, kitty?” Rudolf asked, having forgotten what they were talking about. “What happened to the glamour of the Great Library?”
“Well, we lost our librarian,” Plato began. “I thought that wouldn’t be a big issue at first because I’d replace Trinity, but it’s harder than I thought. No one wants the job because it’s quite lonesome and demanding. Without a full-time librarian, the place loses its glamour, and that made the Fierce feel slighted, so they went on strike. It’s just been one issue after another.”
“Wait, what is wrong with people?” Lee asked. “Someone doesn’t want to be a librarian for the greatest library in the world?”
“Yeah, you want the job?” Plato offered. “It only requires you to read the thousands of books that come in each day, as well as the backlog of millions on the shelves. You also have to sacrifice most of your magical reserves in order to keep the glamour up around the library, hence why it’s currently down. Oh, and you have to share your tips with the Fierce, which is another reason they are pissed. No librarian means their wages have been cut.”
“You know, on second thought, I think I’d rather spend eternity with Rudolf,” Lee answered.
Rudolf flashed a look of affection at the assassin. “Thank you very much. I have to decline the offer, though. I promised eternity to my wife. Really that’s only until she kicks the bucket, but thanks to your magical cupcake, that won’t be for a century or so.”
Lee shook her head at Plato. “He’s a special sort, isn’t he?”
“I can safely say, there is no one in the world like King Rudolf,” he answered.
“Oh, would you two stop,” Rudolf gushed.
“So you need a librarian who is really committed to this place,” Lee observed.