by Maggie Twain
It happened during a yoga session Erin was taking me through in one of the club’s studios. Well, as it happens, there’s this pose called the puppy dog stretch, see, and I was relaxing into it, innocently minding my own business, when I happened to open my eyes and catch the man himself staring in through the studio window.
It must have taken the perv to a count of five to realize he’d been caught in the act, after which point he fell into whatever cleaning trolley was positioned beside him and causing an almighty racket.
After that, I spent the rest of the day in the heavens and no amount of grueling exercises could bring me down from those clouds.
You know, this yoga thing has a lot to say for it.
The time I’m spending living at the Carrington Country Club has been the happiest of my life. The only snag is that Decker’s appearances are impromptu at best. He’s busy designing his new outdoor pool, spa and garden scape and at times I feel it’s almost like he’s on a mission to see his dreams completed, just in case they should soon happen to be taken away from him.
I truly hope everything works itself out but I know Decker will make an amazing dad regardless of whether or not he happens to inherit a fortune.
He makes an effort to spend time with me at least every other evening, making sure the injections are going well and that I’m comfortable. Sometimes I wonder if I’m beginning to notice small changes in him, how close to me he sits, the way he looks at me, how he is in his own skin. He seems ever happier every single time I see him, or, maybe that’s just my dreams running away with me. There’s no point denying it anymore, and as much as I’ve tried stopping myself, I’ve completely and utterly failed. Even though I still know we can never be truly happy together, I’m in love with Decker anyway, so there.
On the tenth day, Doctor Herrera administers my final hormone injection and then two mornings later, I go for what’s called a trigger injection. The purpose of this is to aid the final maturation of the egg before retrieval.
“I just have to say, you look absolutely fucking sexy as hell in this dress.” He tells me straight after the injection when we’re in our special little secluded nook away from prying eyes. It’s small moments like this I truly treasure.
Hmm, maybe, perhaps, I might have accidentally worn something to frustrate him a little, just for fun, just to see what might happen. It’s a flower-print summer dress that clings tightly to my every curve and I wore it at risk of the poor Doctor Herrera getting caught in the middle and thinking me indecent. It’s a risk I was willing to take. I subtly thrust out my boobs. “You think? Oh…” I innocently touch a finger to my lips, “I have yoga in thirty minutes. Best get back or else Erin will be mad.”
Decker readjusts himself and it takes all my strength and willpower not to glance down, just to see what’s there. “Right,” he groans.
That evening, Decker happens to interrupt my yoga class again, but this time he finds an excuse to come inside the studio. “Dinner in one hour, erm, just letting you know.”
It’s the same time as always so I can’t possibly imagine why he thinks I need reminding but I’m ecstatic to see him regardless, if a little self-conscious as I do the low warrior in my lycra. My eyebrows rise. “Can’t wait.”
He bites his bottom lip.
My head tilts to the side. “Was there anything else?”
“Um, oh, no. Oh, yes, we’re having lamb.”
I smile from across the studio. “Yummers.”
His piercing blue eyes have glazed over. “And broccoli, you know, for the ba…” he shakes it off. “Anyway, don’t be late.” He clears his throat and the draught from the door blows over me when he leaves.
Erin is on me in an instant. “Hayles, if that’s not love then I don’t know what is.”
My heart flies out through my mouth. “Oh, no, he doesn’t feel that way about me,” I turn away and glance down to the polished wooden floor, “don’t you think?”
She barks out loud. “Haley, you’re an idiot.”
It’s morning after the next, which is the biggest day for us so far, when an ultrasound-guided probe will be going inside of me to extract the eggs and, I guess, whatever else happens to get sucked out with them. I’ll be going under light sedation. It’s also the day that Decker has to make his big contribution.
Carey arrives to transport us to the clinic and he can’t resist making a few jibes at his friend’s expense. “Here,” he flings a magazine across the length of Decker’s private suite and he catches it mid-air, “a nice visual aid. Don’t ever say I’m not a good friend to you.”
Decker gapes at the cover. “Dwarf porn?” He throws it back. “You sick little bastard.” There’s laughter for a long time until Decker finally tells him to go wait in the car because he’s a pain in the ass. When we’re alone his face goes serious as he looks at me. “Let’s have a word in my office.”
I follow him inside, close the door after myself and watch as he leans back against the desk. “What’s up?”
He folds his arms. “Haley, we’ve come so far together and if that imbecile thinks I’m going to be thinking about dwarves when I’m making my contribution then…” he can’t even finish his thought and just shudders instead. “No, when the time comes, there’s only going to be one person I’ll be thinking of.” The way he gazes at me, there can be no mistaking how he feels. There’s also hurt there, hurt because he’s unable to do what he desires. “I just wanted you to know that.”
I feel light-headed in the most wonderful way imaginable and decide to do this quick before I lose my nerve and the moment passes. I’m wearing a white blouse and quickly tug it over my head.
“Haley? What are you doing?”
I throw it to the floor and unhook my bra before casting it to the same. “Giving you a visual aid is what I’m doing.” My arms fall to their sides and I can only stare at him as he sees me for the first time, from a distance that’s too far and painful to bear. I’ll have to take it because what choice do I have? “I refuse to allow you to look at pictures of anyone else when it’s my baby you’re making. So be quick with the damned camera because your office is freezing cold.”
If ever there was a part of me that was unsure he desires me, it evaporates in this hazy moment as he fumbles with his cell, unable to take his eyes from my breasts. Admittedly, I don’t have much, but it’s me, and I’m not hearing any complaints from the man who’s caused me all this trouble to begin with, and that’s all that matters.
A couple of hours later, it’s done, and now Decker watches me from the corner in silence beside his opened window as I lie on the bed just a little longer to overcome the effects of the sedation.
“Next, the sperm will be washed and added to the eggs.” Doctor Herrera’s speaking more to Decker than to myself, as I’m too zoned out to comprehend him much anyway, but I’m definitely noticing the odd way the father of my future child is looking, it’s an expression I’ve not seen before and neither am I able to easily read it right now. “Together they’ll be kept in an incubator overnight, until … until … are you alright, Mister Astor?”
He’s silent for a while. “Huh? Oh, sorry, please continue.”
The doctor glances at me then back to Decker. “Anyway, statistically, by morning, usually anywhere between sixty and seventy percent of the eggs will be fertilized so it’s then only a matter of selecting the best embryo and then injecting it inside of Haley.”
“When?” Decker asks, sounding uncharacteristically short-tempered.
Doctor Herrera notices too, causing his eyes to widen in surprise. “We’ll do that three days from now.”
Decker squeezes at the flesh above his nose and motions with this hand for the doctor to leave the room.
The doctor walks out and Decker remains silent by the window. Thirty minutes later, I’m about ready for home, all except for our special little routine, but I’m saddened when Decker does not lead me to the right toward our secluded corner of mischief. Instead, he tur
ns left and walks ahead by more distance than usual, and all without saying a word. We go straight to the car and Carey takes us home.
I don’t see Decker for the rest of that day. Indeed, I don’t see him the two days after that either and it’s whilst I’m being driven back from college that I bring it up with Carey.
“Is he alright?” I mean, tomorrow’s the biggest day of our lives, the day that a living piece of Decker will become a part of me. “He’s being uncharacteristically aloof recently, don’t you think?” And I absolutely hate it.
Carey makes to turn around but moves back before completing the shuffle. He’s nervous and I can already tell he’s been speaking with Decker. Being his best friend, he’s hardly likely to betray the trust they share with me. I get it but it’s frustrating as heck, especially at a time like this. He shrugs, “the jackass is just busy. He has dreams he wants to see brought to life before…” he leaves it there, which is rather ominous.
I hum. “Brought to life, yes.” It’s even more worrying because neither has Decker been perving in on my yoga sessions and I love it when he pervs in on my yoga sessions. Something’s not right.
Back at the country club, I deign to sought his company, but I get a message from Erin telling me he’s gone to visit his grandpa and won’t be back until morning.
“What?” I’m getting really worried now. “Our appointment’s scheduled for nine! That’s cutting things a little fine, don’t you reckon?”
“Awe, babes,” Erin opens out her arms and embraces me. She’s about to suggest a rigorous exercise session to take my mind off things but instead, I just do some study and go straight to bed.
I’m up early, excited to finally see Decker at breakfast, as much as for what the rest of the day entails, but I’m left crushed when Carey informs me that he wasn’t driven home last night and therefore isn’t around this morning. God only knows where he’s been lately.
“But he’s at the hospital,” he’s extremely quick to put in, easing my anxieties, “bright, early and keen, so cheer up, girl.” He flourishes a hand at the breakfast spread. “Now, dive in because Erin’s gone to all this effort and you’re gonna need it.”
Feeling relieved, I sit and fill up on oatmeal and fruit juice. Breakfast is relatively more enjoyable knowing everything’s alright and that the man whose DNA is about to be injected inside of me is just over the bridge and awaiting my arrival.
We arrive at the clinic fifteen minutes early. My heart’s been beating hard all morning and has been especially noticeable on the journey over. As I step out the car and plod with Carey through the doors, I’m surprised to find Doctor Herrera standing in reception. That’s not the only thing, because he’s not wearing his doctor’s scrubs but his civvies. Worse, a large holdall rests on the floor by his feet, the long strap clutched in his hand.
His head shifts back when he sees me approaching. “Haley, you’re here?” His voice, there’s something in his voice, but what?
I can’t prevent my feet from stopping in a lonely space before him and I feel Carey’s arm around mine, preventing me from stumbling. “Doctor, what’s going on?”
He scratches at his head and the skin around his nose turns red. “I’m…well, I’m on my way home, Haley.” There’s a definite feeling he doesn’t want to have this conversation.
“Why? I’m supposed to be … today’s the day that…” I glance at Carey, who possesses a look of complete astonishment and is unable to say anything. How could he not know what’s going on with Decker?
The doctor finds his spine, lets go of the bag strap and steps forward, taking my hand. “Haley, I’m sorry, I assumed you knew, but Mister Astor just dismissed me, um, not more than thirty minutes ago.”
“What?” My voice is faint and I feel Carey’s arm tighten around my midriff. It’s needed.
The doctor squeezes my hand, which I can barely even feel. “Haley, he’s called it all off.”
Chapter Eight
Decker
I check my watch. “Thirty minutes.” Come on, get a grip! That’s how long I’ve been standing across the road, trying to work up the nerve to go inside, purchase a ticket and take a seat.
It’s a Max Falcon movie, hardly one of my favorite actors but who gives a fuck about that at a time like this? All that matters is that I break this fucking thing.
I check my watch again. “Thirty-five, you complete fucking pussy.”
Watching a movie is hardly ripping the band-aid. It’ll be easy. The movie’s already started. Everybody’s already seated. Just enter from the back, in the dark, and find a seat as far from anyone else as possible.
No! Hold on, that won’t work. I’m trying to get over this shit. I need there to be at least a few people nearby, just enough to get a taste of the sweat-stained air, the chili in their breath, the odor from their feet.
The very thought of it disgusts me but all normal people, I have to remind myself, spend time in other’s proximity. “Forty minutes.”
I stumble across the road, the doors open automatically, and I shuffle up to the ticket clerk. It’s out of habit that I find myself standing at a distance to the guy in the booth. “One, please.”
He leans forwards and his long, greasy black hair tumbles off his shoulders. “Excuse me?” He slurps from a straw and licks at his lips.
I take a step closer, then two, and swallow. “I said one, please.”
He’s looking at me like I’m stupid. “Which movie?”
“Oh,” I roll my eyes inwardly, “Running Dust.”
His eyes narrow. “You know, it’s already started.”
I shrug. “It doesn’t matter.” He starts tapping at his screen so I figure to make small talk. “You know if it’s any good?”
“Not seen it yet. You want any popcorn, soda?”
The very thought disgusts me. “No!”
He gives me an agitated look. “Just asking.”
“On second thoughts, give me a soda, but could you … never mind, just give me it as normal.”
“How else did you think I was about to give you it?”
I don’t answer that, instead I just pay and grab the ticket and soda before heading for the lobby. It’s quiet and airy in there, few people are around because all the movies are already in process. Just the lady at the ice cream booth, oh, and the girl collecting ticket stubs.
What is she, eighteen? She’s small and fragile looking, harmless in a red baseball cap with the movie theater logo at the crest. I’m wearing my twenty thousand dollar suit and shoes from Monaco, somewhat overdressed for such an activity as catching a flick. I’m still standing, somewhat dazed in the center of the lobby when she catches my eye from the entrance. The ticket limp in my hand, my soda in the other, I approach the girl holding my breath.
She has to tilt her head back obscenely high and smiles, takes the ticket, tears it and says, “screen five.” So far so good, I’m still alive.
I nod, can’t bring myself to say anything in return, and find my feet carrying me through a carpeted corridor. On either side there are heavy doors with large numbers indicating the screen. So this is what the inside of a movie theater looks like. I just narrowly miss stepping on gum and a single bead of sweat trickles down my face.
“Five.” I stop at the door, thick and soundproofed with a large handle and my fingers stop en route to grasping it before they clench into a tight fist. I have to force my fingers to relax so that I might open the fucking door but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Instead, I use my foot to shove it open and am relieved to feel the chill air-conditioned breeze from within flow over me. I swallow and begin pottering down the aisle, the dividing wall concealing my view of the gallery as the screen slowly opens to my line of sight. The dashing Max Falcon is dressed in 1930’s garb as he drives a bulldozer towards a bar filled with local hoodlums swilling whisky.
I reach the end of the divider and turn my head…
And stop.
Because there are people here. Lots
of people.
What is it … forty, fifty percent at full capacity?
My face is beginning to sweat and so I drag a hand back through my hair. My heart is racing and my body trembles. I take a single step in the direction of the gangway but that’s more than enough, my body will no longer respond to the commands from my mind and then my soda crashes to the floor to splash against my shoes, there’s a large explosion on-screen as Max crashes through the wall and the next thing I know I’m running for the emergency exit, barging straight through and finding myself standing in the street.
The rain’s falling heavy and I stare up into the sky to breathe.
I’m not even sure what time it is anymore. All I know for certain is that I’m drenched to the bone as I continue walking the streets of Boston into the early hours; staring through the windows of fast food joints, bars, night clubs, watching people interacting, talking, holding each other, kissing, even one pair fucking in an alley as the rain pours down.
I’d told them I went to visit gramps but changed my mind soon after leaving. I can’t face him right now, not when I’m like this. The man’s already lost more than enough respect for me and quite honestly, I can hardly blame him. I’m a fucking disaster, even if lately I’ve been trying my very hardest to fix things, to fix myself.
My life has gotten out of hand lately and I’ve completely lost control.
The last couple of weeks have been both the best and worst of my life. I’ve never known happiness quite like spending so much time with Haley, getting to know her, eating with her, watching her. But neither have I known such agony as not being able to reach out, to touch her, press her against the wall, slip my tongue down her throat and fuck her good, hard and long, to give her my seed, my gift.
Even if I’m able to live with that intense pain myself, what I’ve come to realize is I’m unable to live with the knowledge that I’m inflicting that same pain upon the woman I’m in love with.