Tim Which I paid for you to leave.
Victor I know.
Tim Which you say you’re never going back to.
Victor In my country which I’m never going back to.
Tim Because they don’t make trash like we make trash.
Victor In my country, you would not have this medicine. Sure, if you were boyfriend of mafia-boss then mafia-boss would pay for medicine. But if you were boyfriend of go-go dancer . . .
Tim If they had go-go dancers.
Victor There are plenty of go-go dancers now. More go-go dancers than factory workers. Nobody ever pays factory workers. So, if you can go-go, you go-go. But if you were boyfriend of go-go dancer then this medicine would cost . . . go-go dancer dances for ten years to pay for one year of this medicine.
Tim I’d get through an army of go-gos.
Victor So, this medicine is no solution for people in my country. And this is worse. This is much worse. To know there is something that could save them but which they can’t have.
Tim I don’t . . . I envy, you know . . .
Enter Nadia.
Nadia Hello.
Tim How did you know I was here?
Nadia Well, Victor told me. I came straight over.
Tim Why did you do that?
Victor I was upset. Nadia called when I was upset and I told Nadia.
Tim I didn’t want you to tell anyone.
Victor I know that.
Nadia I wanted to be here. I wanted to see you.
Tim But I don’t want you to see me like this.
Nadia It’s alright.
Tim I don’t want people to see me ill.
Victor Then take your pills.
Tim Fuck off. Fuck off.
Victor He won’t take his pills.
Nadia That’s not right.
Victor Make him take his pills.
Nadia Why aren’t you taking your pills?
Tim Because I don’t want to.
Nadia But you’re doing so well. They’re brilliant these pills. They’re what you’ve been waiting for. This is . . . this is a happy ending. You told me that. So . . .
Tim I hate it. I hate being well. I can’t do it.
Nadia You feel you don’t have a right to be happy.
Tim I don’t want to hear all that stuff. All that stuff we keep telling ourselves. I’m happy, you’re happy. We’re okay. I don’t want to hear it.
Nadia So, what? All the old stuff people used to programme themselves with – I’m a victim, I’m poor. Same old patterns?
Tim I don’t know. I envy people who can’t get medicine.
Nadia Come on.
Victor Then you are very stupid.
Tim Don’t speak to me like that, you trash, you slave / you Russian doll.
Victor Stupid, stupid.
Nadia Take the pills. Please. I love you. Victor loves you.
Don’t you, Victor?
Tim No he doesn’t. / Just leave both of you. Go. Go.
Nadia Victor, tell him what you feel.
Victor No.
Nadia You told me you were upset and you told me that you really care about Tim.
Victor All I can think about is you. I think about you all the time. I wish I didn’t feel this way but I do. I hope . . . I think. Let the trash music take it away, let the trash . . . the dumdumdum . . . let it fill up your head. Dumdum. But I can’t do that any more. And I can’t hear the music any more.
Tim Maybe it’s not loud enough.
Victor I want you to be alive.
Tim For your sake?
Victor I want you to take them for me. For my sake.
Tim Weak. You’re a weak person. What’s a person? What’s a death? Millions of people out there. Millions of people out there to fuck and dance with and be with – so don’t be so fucking weak. Get out there – dum, dum, dum. Because I don’t want you here and I don’t want to be alive.
Nadia But being alive is great.
Tim And what’s so great about your life? Nothing. Nick’s left you. Everyone’s left you. You’ll never hold on to anyone.
Nadia But I’ve learnt from that / I’ve grown. I have.
Tim Shite. Shite. Shite. You deserve each other. Cling together, you little weak people.
Victor Yes, maybe we do that. Come. Come.
He begins to caress Nadia.
Come on. Feel me. I have a good body. Better than Nick, I think, yes? Better than Simon. I like women. I’m not afraid of women. I can fuck women.
Nadia touches Victor’s body.
Victor How does this feel?
Nadia Good.
Victor You could fuck this body?
Nadia Maybe.
Tim Go on – fuck each other.
Victor Yes. Fuck these gays, yes? Scared of the woman’s bodies.
Nadia Yes. Scared.
Tim If that’ll stop you being lonely, fuck each other.
Victor and Nadia dance suggestively together.
Victor Gays are . . .
Nadia Ill.
Victor Ill and . . .
Nadia Frightened. Frightened people.
Tim Are you enjoying that?
Victor I want your pussy.
Victor goes down on Nadia.
Tim Happy now?
Victor Sorry. You speak to . . . ?
Tim Is that fun?
Victor Very much. We’re having fun.
Tim My hospital room. My illness. My body. My death. My choice.
He takes the pills.
Nadia Well done.
Victor Thank you, honey. Thank you.
He kisses Tim. Tim cries. Victor holds Tim.
Come on, honey. Come on.
Nadia Alright darling, alright.
Tim I didn’t want to do that. Why did you make me do that?
Victor Please, honey . . .
Tim This is . . . I can’t stand this.
Nadia You’ve done the right thing and you’re alright.
Tim I want communists and apartheid. I want the finger on the nuclear trigger. I want the gay plague.
Victor Honey . . .
Tim I want to know where I am. Since I was nineteen, I’ve known that, you know? I knew where everything was heading. And sure, it was a fucking tragedy. My life was a tragedy and that was frightening and sad and it used to do my head in. But I knew where everything was going. Bit by bit my immune system would break down until . . . no fixed figure. Five years, ten years, some amazing freaks even took fifteen years.
Victor Honey.
Tim And you could imagine each step before it happened because you were told what it would be. You start off feeling completely knackered.
Nadia Darling.
Tim Oh yes, that’s happened to me. Now, I’ve started feeling completely knackered. I’ve reached the first step. Now I’m on the same path as the others. Better start resting. Wait until stage two. Skin problems. Dry skin, warts. Short of breath. Waiting until . . . lesions. Here they are. This thing is taking its course. We’re moving forward. And now you can see everything all the way down the line.
Nadia Darling.
Tim Of course, you can’t say exactly when. You can’t announce a date. You can’t choose the hospital. But you control what you can. And you can even imagine the funeral. You can get a clear picture of it. What people will feel, what they’ll say to each other. How all the people who liked you will say nice things and how all the people who never liked you will say the same nice things. I used to know everything and that’s what those fucking pills have taken away from me.
Victor So, get used to it.
Tim I am trying.
Victor You get used to it and you find a way of carrying on.
Tim What way?
Nadia It’s over now, come on, come home. Let’s find a doctor and tell them we’re taking you home.
Nadia exits.
Victor I can’t be with you if you don’t take the pills.
Tim Alright then.
Victor You stay with me
and you take the pills?
Tim I don’t know.
Victor You’ve got to promise me you’ll take the pills.
Tim I can’t do that.
Scene Eight
Street.
Jonathan is washing blood away from Nadia’s face.
Jonathan Yes. Yes. You’re going to be alright.
Nadia Hurts so much.
Jonathan There’s a lot of blood, but actually the wound . . . the wound is pretty superficial.
Nadia Right.
Jonathan You’re not actually disfigured.
Nadia Well, that’s good.
Jonathan Just incredibly bloody.
Nadia Thank God you were there.
Jonathan I was passing. Couldn’t just walk past and see a woman being attacked like that. Although now of course so many do.
Nadia It was very . . . noble.
Jonathan It was human nature.
Nadia You’re quite a strong person, aren’t you?
Jonathan Do you think so?
Nadia Spiritually. And you’re quite a powerful person, aren’t you?
Jonathan None of us really has any power, do we?
Nadia You’re at ease with your authority. That’s very attractive. It’s an attractive quality.
Jonathan Well, thank you. Are you going to be alright?
Nadia I don’t know.
Jonathan If I leave you now, are you going to be alright?
Nadia You’re going to abandon me?
Jonathan I’m going to leave you. There must be someone. Who could look after you?
Nadia Well, no actually, no. There’s nobody.
Jonathan All alone in the world?
Nadia All alone in the world.
Jonathan But surely . . . a friend.
Nadia Yes. A friend. I have a friend. But he’s very ill. He’s in the hospital. So I look after him. So he can’t look after me when Simon . . .
Jonathan Simon?
Nadia When Simon attacks me. When Simon gets frightened.
Jonathan You don’t believe Simon gets frightened. You don’t really believe that, do you?
Nadia Well no. Not any more. Simon . . .
Jonathan Yes, come on, find the word.
Nadia Hates me. Loves me in a hating kind of way. Hates me in a loving kind of way. Something. Hates me.
Jonathan And do you love Simon?
Nadia No.
Jonathan But you love someone else.
Nadia No.
Jonathan You’re lying to me. Goodbye.
Nadia No, please. I don’t want to be alone. Please.
Jonathan I can’t stand a liar. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s an untruth.
Nadia Do you want to go to bed with me? I’ve got a great body. And I bet you’ve got a great body too.
Jonathan I’m not really interested in bodies.
Nadia Everyone’s interested in bodies.
Jonathan Maybe there’s something unnatural about me.
Nadia Everyone’s interested in my body. Men pay just for a few minutes near my body. Even when they’re not allowed to touch.
She takes off her top.
What do you feel?
Jonathan Nothing.
Nadia begins to dance.
Nadia You must be feeling something now?
Jonathan It doesn’t mean anything to me. You’re a very powerless person, aren’t you?
Nadia Am I?
Jonathan Oh yes. You are a very powerless, lonely, unfocused person, aren’t you?
Nadia No. No.
Jonathan Lying to me.
Nadia There’s a path. I’ve chosen a path and every thought is creating my future.
Jonathan Lies. Lies. Lies.
Nadia And if I can just look at the world in a positive way –
Jonathan Deceiving me. Deceiving yourself. / Please just be honest.
Nadia I . . . I . . . I . . .
Jonathan Find the words. Think before you speak. Don’t just mouth . . . speak.
Nadia Everything is terrible. Nothing means anything. There’s nobody out there. I’m alone in the universe.
Jonathan Excellent. Excellent. How do you feel?
Nadia Dead.
Jonathan Yes. That’s normal.
Nadia It’s horrible.
Jonathan For a while you think: ‘I’m dead.’ But then you pass through that and . . . something else emerges.
Nadia What? What?
Jonathan I really think you have to discover that for yourself.
Nadia Tell me.
Jonathan We each have to learn for ourselves.
Nadia Tell me. Tell me. You can’t just fucking leave me to . . . Sorry. Sorry. Please. Tell me.
Jonathan Since you insist. It won’t mean anything until you actually live it.
Nadia Alright.
Jonathan You’re dead and then you come through that and you embrace the chaos . . . you see the beauty of . . . the way money flows, the way it moves around the world faster and faster. Every second a new opportunity, every second a new disaster. The endless beginnings, the infinite endings. And each of us swept along by the great tides and winds of the markets. Is there anything more thrilling, more exhilarating than that?
Nadia I . . .
Jonathan Do you understand?
Nadia Yes.
Jonathan The truth.
Nadia No.
Jonathan No. But you’re learning. Who are you in love with?
Nadia It doesn’t matter.
Jonathan Tell me who it is. It’s Nick, isn’t it?
Nadia What?
Jonathan You’re in love with Nick.
Nadia You know Nick?
Jonathan Yes. Yes.
He takes off his shirt.
These are the scars, you see? This is what Nick did to my body. This is why Nick was in prison. Where is he?
Nadia I don’t know.
Jonathan I want to find him. Where is he?
Nadia I don’t know. The truth.
Jonathan My body is disgusting.
Nadia I’ll kiss it better.
Jonathan Don’t be so fucking stupid. That’s not going to work, is it?
Scene Nine
Hospital.
Tim lying in a bed.
Victor They give us an hour. Before he’s taken away.
Nadia Yes.
Victor So we . . . what do you want to do?
Nadia I don’t know.
Victor I wish we knew what to do. I think maybe inside us, if we were allowed feelings we would know what to do.
Nadia I don’t think so.
Victor Oh yes. Inside us there must be some . . . something we should do now. Get in touch with our feelings.
Nadia No. I don’t believe that any more.
Victor Maybe it’s fall to our knees, sway, beat our chests. Maybe wash his body. Maybe that’s inside us.
Nadia Maybe you just saw that in a film somewhere. There is nothing for us to do.
Victor But we have to say goodbye.
Nadia He’s not going to hear that.
Victor No.
He prods Tim.
Nothing.
Nadia But maybe if you were alone with him. So if we take it in turns. I’ll wait outside for a while.
Nadia exits.
Long pause. Victor looks at the body.
Victor Fucking stupid. Fucking.
He hits Tim’s body.
Fucking selfish fucking bastard. What about me? Make me suffer like this. This is not what you were supposed to do. Supposed to make me happy. Not make me suffer. I don’t want to feel this. Fuck. Fuck.
He hits the body. Several more times. Moves away.
Tim Well, I don’t think that’s going to get you anywhere is it?
Victor It’s what I feel.
Tim Even Lazarus didn’t respond well to fists.
Victor I’m not talking to you fucking bastard.
Tim And I certainly ain’t a-coming back just because you get butch on me.
Victor Don’t want you back.
Tim Not even a little bit?
Victor I don’t want some fucking bastard who can’t even take his fucking pills.
Tim I didn’t want to live.
Victor But I wanted –
Tim Fuck that. I wasn’t going to be miserable just so you wouldn’t feel alone.
Victor I’m not going to be alone. I find someone. Someone healthy. Someone who wants to live.
Tim Yeah?
Victor Yes. Wasted my time with you when I could have been with someone else.
Tim Well go on then. Fuck off out of here. Start looking now. Good place to start. Doctors. Nurses. Porters.
Victor No.
Tim I don’t want you in here disturbing my eternal fucking rest.
Victor You’ll be gone in an hour. Wheeled away. Into the morgue.
Tim Which is where I want to be.
Victor Then good. Good. Fuck. I love you.
Tim I know you do.
Victor Please say you love me. I don’t care whether it’s true or not. I don’t care whether you are lying to me. Please. I just want you to say it.
Tim You don’t care if it’s true?
Victor A lie is okay. So long as I hear it.
Tim That’s . . . pathetic.
Victor I know.
Tim I love you.
Victor Thank you.
Tim When you . . . I don’t know if this is just me . . . I know when you’re hanged you’re supposed to . . . but I’ve . . . maybe it’s rigor mortis or . . . but I’ve . . . come here.
Victor No.
Tim Don’t be disgusted. I know I must be disgusting.
Victor It’s not that. I loved you. You could never be disgusting to me.
Tim So don’t give up on me now, baby. Touch my face. Please. There. How does it feel?
Victor Cold.
Tim I thought it would do. Touch my heart. And now? What do you feel now?
Victor Colder. No heart beat.
Tim Only to be expected. Listen. I want to say sorry. I wish I could have kept going for you. I wish I could have done that. But I didn’t know who I was any more. Suddenly I was nobody. When you’re ‘Person Who Is Dying’ and they take that away from you then you’re ‘Person Who . . . Blank, Blank, Blank.’ Nadia talks a load of bollocks, doesn’t she?
Victor Nadia loves you also.
Tim Yes. I suppose she does. Move your hand down.
Victor No. I can’t.
Tim Please. Please.
Victor I’m frightened.
Tim Don’t be frightened.
Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists) Page 21