by Ivy Smoak
My date? I looked at the time. Shit! I’d completely forgotten about the stupid blind date.
I hurried out of the room and closed the door behind me. I tried to scrub the stupid paint off my hand but it wouldn’t come off. Shit, shit, shit. I didn’t have time for this. I was going to be late. Being late for any kind of meeting was rude. And it seemed especially rude for a date. Not that I cared about making a good impression. I was only doing this so I could keep hanging out with Penny.
Another text came through from Penny: “I really think you’re going to like her. Okay, I’ll leave you to it. Good luck!”
I looked at the time again. I only had 15 minutes to get across town. Which wasn’t possible. I didn’t bother responding to Penny as I changed into a pair of dress pants and a white button-down. I was out the door in a matter of minutes, without having bothered to shower or get the rest of the paint off the back of my hand.
***
I had no idea what my date looked like. I didn’t even know her name. But I still found myself looking around the restaurant instead of going to the hostess stand. There was a brunette in the far corner that was alone…nope. A man had just joined her with a kiss. If that was my date, we weren’t off to a great start.
My eyes kept scanning the restaurant. Everyone was paired off. It was like flourishing couples came here in droves. There were candles on each white-tableclothed table, giving the restaurant a romantic glow. Why had Penny chosen such an intimate restaurant for a first date? Or maybe my blind date had chosen it.
Either way, I didn’t see anyone else seated alone. Wait. I leaned forward to see a girl with mousey brown hair reading at a table. That had to be her. Penny loved reading. It would make sense for her to choose someone else who enjoyed it too. But I didn’t want to walk over, just in case I was wrong. I walked up to the hostess stand. “Hi. I have a reservation under Matthew…”
“Matthew Caldwell,” the hostess said. “Yes, I know.” She gave me a smile that I could only describe as seductive.
I smiled back. She was exactly the kind of girl I’d invite to spend the night in a hotel. She knew who I was. Or had at least heard about me. It was an easy win. An easy distraction. Part of me wanted to just steal her away now and skip this date that would most likely be terrible. I didn’t date. I flirted and hooked up. There was a huge difference. One that Penny definitely wouldn’t understand. I doubted the woman with mousey brown hair would understand either.
“I’m Tamara,” the hostess said. “And if there’s anything at all you need tonight, I’m your girl.”
I bet you are. Tamara got me.
Her smile quickly turned into a frown when she looked down at her chart. “Oh, it says you reserved a table for two.” She cleared her throat. “Your other party isn’t here yet, would you like to wait at the bar or be seated?”
I looked over my shoulder at the girl with brown hair. So that wasn’t her? I glanced down at my watch. I was 15 minutes late. Where the heck was my date? “Are you sure about that?” I asked. I wanted to ask her about the girl sitting alone reading, but I felt like it wouldn’t be well received. If she was my date, Tamara would have taken me over there.
“Positive.”
Huh. “I’ll just sit at the table to wait.”
“Very well. Right this way.”
I followed her to the table and she handed me a menu. She took a step back and then took a step forward. Her cheeks turned rosy like she was embarrassed. “If your date ends up being a no-show, you know where to find me.” And with that, she turned on her heel and walked away.
Not embarrassed. Bold. My eyes landed on her ass as she walked back to the hostess stand. All I had to do was get through this terrible date and then I could take Tamara up on her offer.
I ordered a scotch. And then another. I checked my watch one more time. Maybe my date had come, scoped the place out, and left already. Or she was just a no-show. I looked over at the girl who had been reading. She’d been joined by her date. I was the last one alone in this restaurant, looking like a damned idiot.
And I wasn’t going to tell the waiter to wait any longer. I was about to wave him down to pay for my drinks when I saw someone running through the restaurant. She had bright, wavy red hair, and her face was bright red too. She looked around the restaurant feverishly. And for just a second, I was worried she was going to try to rob the place or something. Or burst into tears. Or…do something else that she really shouldn’t.
Tamara went up to her and they started talking. The redhead waved her hands around as she talked, still trying to peer around the restaurant. And then they both turned to me.
Oh no. God no. Penny, you have to be kidding me right now.
But instead of the hostess showing the redhead toward my table, she tried to show her out the door. I was about to breathe a sigh of relief when the redhead sidestepped Tamara and ran into the restaurant. She almost collided with a waiter, but somehow managed to reach my table unscathed.
“I’m so so sorry that I’m late,” she said. She was completely out of breath. “The subway broke down. I had to run. Luckily I wore sneakers.”
I looked down. Sure enough, she was sporting a pair of sneakers in a five-star restaurant. Which I actually found endearing. Brooklyn had this pair of beat-up Keds she used to wear everywhere. She even wore them with her homecoming dress.
“I really am sorry. I hate being late. Lateness is one of my greatest fears.” She sat down, still out of breath and red in the face.
“Are you thirsty?” I asked and pushed my glass of water toward her.
“So thirsty. But um…have you already put your lips on that? Because I really don’t like germs. I’m not like a germophobe or anything like that. I’m not actually scared of germs. But I am scared of dying from some kind of contracted virus. Okay, yeah, I’m a little scared of germs. But it’s a lot lower on my list of fears than lateness. And I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. I’m just really really nervous and when I’m nervous I tend to ramble. And I think being late is making everything worse.”
I can tell.
She eyed the glass of water longingly.
“Sorry, I forgot to answer your question. No, I haven’t gotten any virus germs on it. I only touched it to push it over to you,” I said.
“Oh thank God.” She grabbed it and downed half of it in one gulp.
I stared at her as she drank water like an Olympic athlete. Penny said this girl was exactly what I was looking for. I’d joked around with Penny about liking petite redheads like her. And she’d delivered one…
“Is it like a thousand degrees in here?” My date said as she fanned her face.
I probably should have given Penny a few more details about my dating preferences. Because the girl not being an insane person was pretty high on my list. And I was pretty sure this girl didn’t fit that criteria. “You’re probably just overheated from running. And the heat is on full blast in here. Do you want to take off your jacket?”
Her eyes grew round. “No, I’m good.”
“But you just said you were hot.”
“I’m okay now.” She pulled the jacket tighter around herself.
Was she topless under there or something?
She finished the rest of the water and looked slightly less flushed. “It’s really nice to finally meet you, Matt.”
I stared at her. So she knew my name? What else did she know about me? Had Penny actually spoken to her about me? Or had Penny pretended to be me in some weird catfishing scheme? I cleared my throat. “Nice to meet you too. I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name?”
She laughed like I was joking. But then immediately frowned. “You don’t know my name? How many dates on this crazy app do you go on a week?”
I smiled. “This is my first one. Full disclosure: my friend actually made my profile for me and set up this date.”
“Oh. Oh. Wait…so who have I been talking to exactly? I thought I’d been texting you.”
“You’ve been chatting with my friend Penny.”
“Your friend that’s a woman?”
“Yes?” I don’t know why my response sounded like a question. It just seemed like this girl didn’t want that answer.
“Hmm. Interesting.” She eyed her empty water glass and fidgeted in her seat, like she was debating whether to start eating the ice.
I should have called over the waiter to ask for more water. But I had something more pressing on my mind. “Why is that interesting?”
“Because in my experience, boys and girls can’t really just be friends.”
“In this case we are.” Unfortunately. “She’s married to one of my other friends.”
“Ah. Okay. I get it now. You’ve been feeling like a bit of a third wheel and are trying to find someone to go on double dates with?”
“Something like that.”
She nodded, seemingly content with my response. “Well, Matt, it’s nice to actually meet you. I’m Ash, by the way. Well, Ashley, but Ash for short. Ashley Dickson.” She cringed at her own name.
Which was fair. It was a pretty terrible last name. I used to know a kid with that last name. Joe “Cupcake” Dickson. That stupid son of a bitch. He’d dated Isabella. Tormented Brooklyn. Cupcake was at the top of my shit list. When did I start listing things? This girl was already rubbing off on me in a really weird way.
“Nice to meet you, Ash,” I said.
“God, now I’m trying to remember if I said anything weird to your friend while I thought it was you.”
Judging by how the date had started? I’d say that was very likely. But I was curious too. What had Penny said to this woman while pretending to be me? I thought back to my horrible profile she’d made. For all I knew, she’d told her about how I was the most eligible bachelor in the city. I needed to change the topic. “Are you ready to order?”
“Yes. Well, no. I don’t even have a menu. The hostess was really quite rude to me. She tried to kick me out of the restaurant.”
I tried not to laugh. Probably because Tamara was jealous that she wasn’t my date. I glanced over at the hostess stand. Tamara had been staring, but she quickly looked away.
“But it’s fine, you can just choose for me,” Ash said and pointed at my menu.
“You want me to pick what meal you’re having?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“But I don’t know anything that you like. Or if you’re a vegetarian or a vegan. Or what is it when you only eat fish?”
She laughed. “I don’t think that’s a thing. And I’m just a normal person.”
I really wasn’t sure about that. “What about allergies? Do you have any allergies?”
“No. Just order me something a normal person would order and I’ll be happy.”
Where did Penny find this chick? “Here, just look at the menu,” I said, trying to hand it to her.
At first she pushed it back, but she finally conceded. As she looked over the menu, an awkward silence enveloped the table.
I could have easily stopped it. I was quite good at small talk. But it was fun watching her literally squirm. It was like silence was driving her bonkers. Even though I was pretty sure she was crazy already.
The silence kept stretching until it looked like Ash was about to explode.
“Wow this place is fancy,” she finally said and closed the menu. “I don’t usually eat in places with tablecloths.”
“Mhm.”
She stared at me like she couldn’t believe that was the only thing I had to say. “I wish someone had told me it was fancy.”
“Didn’t you pick the place?” I asked. Was that what Penny had said? Or had Penny picked this place while pretending to be me?
“Oh. Um. No. Well, maybe it was my fault. I have a confession too and if I don’t tell you I’m going to start acting weird.”
She hadn’t started acting weird yet? Good God.
“My best friend Chastity made my dating profile. I told her not to. Actually, I begged her not to. But she insisted and…she was on the thing just as much as I was because she had access to my password. She intercepted several of the messages.”
I laughed. “You just gave me shit for my friend talking to you. When she was really probably just talking to your friend.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I was just surprised and I have no idea why my first instinct was to lie. But it was and here we are. Getting caught in a lie is on my list of fears too. So it’s better to just get ahead of it, don’t you think? Besides, it was me on the app half the time. And I saw all the messages. So it was kind of like it was me. Since I observed all of it after the fact.”
“Right.”
“Exactly.” She smiled.
This girl was so strange.
“But the restaurant was Chastity’s idea. In her defense, she told me to dress up. But she dresses up for everything so I thought she was kind of overstating it. But apparently she wasn’t. I would have looked it up ahead of time, but she told me I was being paranoid and that it would be more fun to just go in blind, you know? Since it was kind of already a blind date since your profile was weirdly a cup of tea. I kind of thought you’d look like a monster. But you’re not at all what I expected. And I’m super underdressed.”
I was pretty sure there was a compliment in there somewhere. “I actually really like the sneakers.”
She smiled. “Really?”
I nodded.
“Thank you.”
“So now that I know that you’re underdressed, why don’t you go ahead and take your jacket off before you faint?”
“I’m wearing an old sweatshirt and jeans. And I ran miles to get here. So now I’m not only underdressed, but I’m super sweaty too. Just for the record, I had on a nicer shirt. But I spilled coffee all over it just when I was about to walk out the door for our date. And it’s laundry day. And this sweatshirt happens to be really comfy.”
I laughed. “It’s fine. Take it off before we have to call an ambulance.”
She laughed too and finally pulled off her jacket. It was indeed an old sweatshirt. There was even a hole on one of the elbows. But I was most distracted by the huge sweat stains under her arms. The light gray sweatshirt did nothing to hide them. If anything, it accentuated them.
“Oh God,” she said. “I need to use the restroom. I’ll be right back.” She got up and ran, almost knocking into another waiter.
I held in my laughter as best I could until she disappeared into the bathroom. She was adorable. Adorable? I shook the thought away. She was a walking disaster. The waiter came over to ask for our order, but I sent him away. After all that, Ash hadn’t even told me what she wanted.
I looked at my watch. Ordered another drink. Started fidgeting in my seat. What the hell was she doing in there? She’d been gone for over ten minutes.
I pulled out my phone and sent Penny a text. “Who the hell is this person?”
Penny’s reply came almost immediately. “Isn’t she cute? And she’s exactly what you’re looking for!”
I wasn’t sure why she was so sure about that. “How is she exactly what I’m looking for?”
“You described your ideal girl, and I found her for you. You’re welcome. Are you being nice?”
“Yes, I’m being nice.”
“Good. Now stop texting during your date. It’s rude.”
I ran my hand down my face. And waited a few more minutes. Had Ash left? I pictured her climbing out of the window and running away. Honestly, it seemed exactly like something this Ash person would do. I just didn’t know whether to check the restroom or the alleyway first.
Chapter 16
Saturday
After a few more minutes passed without Ash returning, I threw my napkin down on the table and went toward the restrooms. It was better to check there first. If she was planning a great escape, she was probably already gone. There was no reason to look outside for her. But if she was stuck in a stall or something and needed help? It was at least polite to che
ck. “Ash?” I said and knocked on the door to the women’s restroom.
No response.
“Ash?” I said a little louder.
No response.
For fuck’s sake. Did she really ditch me? I opened up the door just to check and saw Ash standing in the middle of the restroom with her sweatshirt off. Just standing in a public restroom with nothing on but a bra and her jeans. She was trying to dry the sweatshirt underneath the hand drier, while at the same time blotting it with paper towels.
“No, he’s gorgeous!” Ash said to no one at all.
She talks to herself too?
“Why didn’t you tell me he was gorgeous?!” Ash practically cried as she hit the hand drier button again.
“Then stop hiding in the bathroom and get out there!” said someone else.
I looked over to see where the other voice had come from. Ash’s phone was balancing precariously on the edge of the sink. I’m assuming this was her friend Chastity encouraging her through the speaker.
“I can’t go back out there! I look like a homeless person!”
I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face.
“I’m sure you don’t look homeless,” replied Chastity.
“I do. I’m wearing my binge-watching sweatshirt.”
“You are not,” gasped Chastity. “I told you to dress up! What is wrong with you?!”
“I don’t know!” Ash blotted the pit stains with more paper towels. “Seriously though, who is this guy, Chastity? He looks like he walked out of the pages of a magazine! You told me he wasn’t going to be cute. That this was just a practice run for getting back out there. You’re a dirty liar! Because he’s the definition of perfection and now he thinks I have some sort of explosive diarrhea because I’ve been in here for...”
“Fourteen minutes,” offered her friend. “He definitely thinks you shat your pants.”
“No!” Ash said and slammed her fist against the hand drier again. “Chastity, tell me how I can undo this?”
I cleared my throat.