by Ivy Smoak
Penny laughed. “Yeah right. So your date set you on fire because of me and James?”
“It was an accident.” I think.
“Mhm. What happened right before she set you on fire?”
“I was telling her about…” I cleared my throat. “Past relationships.” I’d almost let it slip. I’d almost just talked about Brooklyn. My stomach churned. And suddenly I felt like I was going to be sick.
“So you’re letting Penny set you up on dates now?” Rob asked. “Why? I just offered to be your wingman again.”
I waited for Penny to blab to everyone that I was on a dating app. Or James. Or Tyler, because apparently he knew too. But everyone stayed eerily quiet. “It was a one-time thing,” I said. “And I’m never doing it again.”
The smile on Penny’s face faded.
“I actually have a meeting,” I said. “Have fun watching the rest of the game.” I turned away before any of them could ask me to stay.
“Matt!” Penny called after me.
But I was already out the door. I was done with that stupid dating app. And I was done pretending I even wanted to date.
Chapter 19
Sunday
There was one more thing I did when I missed Brooklyn. Only when I missed her so badly that it hurt. At my lowest moments. And I hit those lows more often than I wished to admit.
“Hey,” I said into the cool night air. I blinked fast, the gravestone in front of me blurring slightly.
The flowers I’d brought by last time were dried and browned. I cleared them away before sitting down. I leaned my back against her tombstone and closed my eyes. Sometimes in the middle of this graveyard on a night like this, you could barely hear the city traffic. And it was like I could feel her in the silence. Like she was still here. She haunted me the most in the silence.
“I had a bad day,” I said out loud and opened my eyes again. I ran my fingers along the grass that had been recently mowed. One of the worst things about those early days after I lost her was the grass on top of her grave, slowly growing in until it looked like she’d been buried here forever. I hated that fucking grass.
There were a million things I wanted to say to her. And the fact that she’d never hear them killed me every day.
“Is it just me, or does the fall really fucking suck?” I ran the back of my hand under my nose.
Silence.
“I thought I saw you the other day. I almost got in a car accident because I got so distracted. I don’t know what I was thinking actually. You’re gone and I’m just…stuck.”
Silence.
“It’s hard to breathe when I think I see you in the city.”
Silence.
“I feel like I’m drowning.” Brooklyn had said that to me once. I’d added to that feeling for her. I’d never been enough. She’d deserved more than me. I’d let her down. Or else she’d still be here with me.
The silence was tearing me in two.
“What am I supposed to do, Brooklyn?”
Fucking silence.
“I’m worried that you’d hate what I’ve become. I think I hate what I’ve become.”
I sniffed.
“This wasn’t supposed to be how my life turned out. You were supposed to be here. You were supposed to be here with me, making me feel like I wasn’t drowning.”
I looked down at the grass. I felt like an idiot. Talking to the silence. But it was impossible not to talk to her when I came here.
“I tried drinking chamomile tea. I don’t even remember what it was for. But it clearly didn’t work because I’m here.”
Silence.
“Your dad texted me again.” I slowly exhaled. “I can’t forgive him for what he did to you. You’d probably want me to, right? You were all about second chances. And thirds. Your heart was so big.”
I stared off into the distance. “I’m going to make him pay, Brooklyn. I’m going to destroy him.” I should have tried to get him put away years ago. I owed it to her. And instead I’d just been…screwing around. Trying not to drown.
“I just miss you so much.”
The silence was going to kill me, I knew it.
I knew why I was here though. It wasn’t to talk about missing her, or to talk about how her dad was a dick. She knew all that. I was here because I felt like I needed to make a confession. And I’d feel better once I got it out. Please let me feel better. “Penny set me up on a dating app.”
Silence.
I looked toward the spot where I was pretty sure I’d buried her engagement ring. “I wanted a family with you. It’s all I wanted. I don’t want that with anyone else.” I took a deep breath. “I promise, Brooklyn. I promised you then and I’ll make good on it now.”
I wasn’t sure how many times I’d come here, trying to feel better about the shitty life I was leading. But this was different. One-night stands and random hookups were meaningless. It’s why I did them. Because it wasn’t a betrayal. But the dating app made me feel guilty. Even though I knew I wasn’t taking it seriously.
“I promise,” I said again. “But…I think maybe, a little part of me still wants all that stupid stuff. A family. A home. And I’m sorry that I want it. I’m so fucking sorry.” I didn’t have to say anything else. We both knew I wouldn’t act on those feelings. We both knew I could never move on. I’d never do that to her. I couldn’t.
“It just hurts more in the fall,” I said into the silence. “You get it. You get what it feels like to have no one.”
I looked over to her uncle’s gravestone. I knew how terribly alone she’d felt after his death. She never deserved to go through so much pain. She never deserved to die feeling like she had no one by her side. No one deserved that. “I’m sorry.”
I always came here when I missed her the most. When I felt like I had other things to apologize for. But it always came back to that one moment. Of letting her down right before she passed away. Of letting her feel like she was alone. “You weren’t alone. You always had me.”
All I wanted to do was lie down and close my eyes. I’d done that a lot the first few months after she’d passed too. I’d slept right here. To make sure she knew she wasn’t alone. I shifted so that I could lie down on top of the grass. I just needed her to know that I was here.
“It’s hard this time of year, Brooklyn. And I always wonder what we would have been doing if you were here.” I swallowed hard and looked up at the starless sky. I didn’t have enough memories of her to fill 16 years of missing her. So I just replayed all of them. Even the ones that hurt like hell. Especially the ones that hurt like hell.
“It feels like you’re disappearing on me. And I don’t know how to live without you.”
I didn’t want to. I couldn’t. “I don’t know why I asked what we’d be doing if you were here. I know what we’d be doing. We’d have a family. We’d be happy in our home. We’d have each other. That’s all I ever wanted.”
I felt tears trickle down the corners of my eyes and into my hairline. “I don’t want to do this without you anymore. I feel guilty all the time. I feel like fucking shit every day, Brooklyn.”
I was tired. I’d been so fucking tired for years. I just needed something. A sign to keep going. Anything. Because I couldn’t do this anymore.
I heard the sound of leaves crunching. I tried to mind my own business. There were more people buried here than just Brooklyn. More mourners than just me. But I kept my mouth closed, because I was pretty sure I was the only crazy one that talked to the dead.
Another crunch. And another. Getting closer and closer. It was like whoever was walking through the cemetery was coming toward me. Or rather, toward Brooklyn’s grave.
The first person that popped into my mind was Kennedy. Brooklyn’s best friend. I sat up and turned toward the sound, but could barely make out the person in the darkness. They kept walking closer and closer.
I hadn’t spoken to Kennedy in years. Not since senior year of high school, actually. We’d gone to different co
lleges and lost touch. It was hard to keep up a friendship when all we really had in common was someone we lost. I wasn’t even sure she was still in the city.
I squinted into the darkness. And I stupidly felt this tiny bit of hope. I’d asked for a sign. Was Kennedy that sign? She understood my pain better than anyone else. Maybe she could help me.
The person finally stepped underneath one of the lights sprinkled around the graveyard. But it wasn’t Kennedy. It was the woman stalking me from my football games standing several gravestones away, holding a bouquet of flowers. She stared at the grave I was sitting on and then back at me.
There was no doubt in my mind now. She was following me. And I just knew Mr. Pruitt was involved. First Poppy and now this person. It was one thing for Mr. Pruitt to send her to my games. It was another thing entirely to have her follow me here. She had no right to be anywhere near Brooklyn’s grave. She had no right to disturb me while I was here. And this stopped right now.
“Did Mr. Pruitt send you?” I said. The words felt like acid in my throat. When would he stop trying to ruin my life? When would he leave me alone in my misery?
She didn’t say a word. She just stared at me.
“Answer me.”
She took a step back, the leaves crunching under her feet.
Fuck this. I started to stand up.
The woman dropped the flowers and…ran. Faster than I expected her to in high heeled boots. She was a freaking sprinting ninja in disguise.
“Hey!” I called. But she was already halfway toward an SUV parked on the path. “Tell me who you are!” I yelled as I sprinted after her. “Who sent you?”
She jumped into the car and the engine roared to life. It started moving just as I reached the path.
“Answer me!” I yelled. I slammed the back of her SUV with my hand. An SUV just like the ones Mr. Pruitt used to make Brooklyn drive around in. When he’d been worried about her safety.
The SUV sped off, leaving me alone in the darkness of the graveyard.
My chest rose and fell as I tried to catch my breath. I had no idea what Mr. Pruitt was up to. But I knew that anything involving him had to be bad.
I pulled out my phone and shot Tanner a text: “Have you dug up any dirt on Mr. Pruitt?”
His text came back immediately. “You mean Richard Reginald Pruitt?”
“I don’t know what his middle name is.”
“It’s Reginald.”
Damn it, Tanner get to the point. “Is that a yes?”
“It’s a yes.”
“So what is it?”
“This is more of an in-person kind of reveal. Meet up for dinner tomorrow night?”
“Mr. Pruitt is having me tailed. I need to end this now.” I didn’t bother adding that I was at Brooklyn’s grave. Tanner thought it was unhealthy that I visited so often. He was probably right. And I didn’t need a lecture right now. Today had been shitty enough.
“Trust me, Matt. This is the kind of stuff you reveal in person, not over the phone.”
“Would you just text me? It can’t wait until tomorrow night.” Sometimes Tanner drove me insane. Texting was a perfectly suitable form of communication. I wasn’t sure why he always insisted on doing things in person.
“It’s called a reveal, you fat head. Tomorrow night.”
I sighed. I knew when Tanner wouldn’t budge. And it was usually after he spewed off some weird insult like calling me a fat head. “Fine. See you tomorrow.”
“Ciao.”
Ciao? Tanner needed to learn how to read the room. This wasn’t a lighthearted ciao moment. For all I knew, Mr. Pruitt was trying to off me. I shook my head and shoved my phone back in my pocket. Tanner’s news better be good.
Chapter 20
Monday
I was just putting away the practice footballs when my phone vibrated in my pocket.
I pulled it out, expecting a text from Tanner. But it was Penny’s name on my screen. I clicked on the message: “I’m sorry about the other night.”
Which night? Yesterday when she’d almost made everyone aware that I was on a stupid dating app? Or the night before when she’d sent me on a date from hell? “It’s fine,” I texted back.
“Please just let me make it up to you.”
I shook my head. I had better things to focus on right now than pretending to date. Like who the hell was stalking me. But instead of saying any of that, I texted back: “What did you have in mind?” I really didn’t know why I couldn’t say no to this girl.
“It’s a surprise.”
The last surprise I’d gotten was her showing up on my doorstep. But that had been Tanner’s idea. Not hers. Surely Penny was better at surprises than Tanner. “It’s not another teapot, is it?”
“That’s a terrible way to say thank you, Matt. But no, it’s not another teapot. Clear your calendar for tomorrow night. I’ll text you more details.”
That was super vague. But I found myself typing back okay. Hopefully I wouldn’t regret it. I made my way to the parking lot and my feet froze when I heard the squeal of tires. I looked up to see an SUV speeding out of the parking lot. I swore it was the same SUV from the graveyard last night. What the hell Mr. Pruitt?
I climbed into my car. Tanner better have good news for me.
***
Tanner had texted me the address of the restaurant. It was some swanky new place he wanted to try. When I pulled up outside, I sighed. The name of the place was literally in the middle of a neon heart. This was a restaurant for couples. Tanner loved trying all the newest places as he scoped out appropriate dating sights for his club. But I was seriously sick of being the guinea pig. If we got mistaken for a gay couple one more time I was going to lose it. He knew I hated this shit.
I gave the valet the keys to my car.
“Enjoy your date,” he said.
Kill me now.
I walked into the restaurant and looked around for Tanner. I spotted him at the same time he saw me. He waved me over with a smile on his face, completely oblivious to the fact that I was annoyed.
“Another place to check out for the club?” I asked when I reached his table.
“I like to kill two birds with one stone, you know this.”
“What I know is that I told you to stop taking me to places obviously designed for couples. The valet told me to enjoy my date.”
Tanner tried and failed to hide his amusement. “If I recall, I just did you an immense favor. So you’ll be a good date and eat your lobster and steak and say no more, or I’ll have to give you a one-star rating.”
I laughed. “You talked to Penny about my date huh?”
“She said your date set your dick on fire.” He chuckled. “If only.”
I didn’t get his joke. Ash had set my dick on fire. Penny must have told the story wrong.
“Sit down,” Tanner said. “I already ordered their most popular apps and we’ll be doing a wine sampling as well.”
There was no use arguing with him. I knew for a fact that the only reason I was here with him was because he didn’t really like to eat alone. Neither did I. It was a win for both of us. And honestly, the lobster and steak on the table next to ours looked delicious. I sat down without another word.
“So let’s start with the issue at hand.” Tanner put his menu aside.
Good. I’d been dying to hear the dirt he’d dug up on Mr. Pruitt. Poppy showing up had shaken me. I needed to put an end to her threats. And being followed wasn’t making it any easier to sleep at night.
Tanner took a deep breath. “Whatever possessed you to go on a date without telling me?”
“What? Tanner, we need to talk about Mr. Pruitt. You swore you’d tell me in person when you refused to do it over text.”
“We can talk about Richard in a minute. I thought we had agreed that you’d tell me about all your dates on the app ahead of time so I could properly scope them out. And I don’t recall getting any notice about this one.”
“I thought you were joking.
” Honestly, I didn’t think he was joking. But it was a really weird request so I’d chosen to ignore it.
“Well, what happened after she set you on fire?”
“She threw a glass of wine in my face and then took pity on me and helped put the fire out before running out of the restaurant.”
Tanner kept a completely straight face. “So you didn’t sleep with her?”
“No, she was an insane person.”
He nodded. “Do you think you’ll have another date? Because I really think the two of us need to meet if…”
“Did you not hear what I just said?”
“It’s a yes or no question, Matt.”
“No, I’m not going on a date with her again. She set me on fire!”
Tanner nodded. “Alright then. But for your next date, you need to tell me all the details before you go. Agreed?”
“I’m not going to do that. And I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Penny is catfishing people as me. I didn’t even know the girl’s name or what she looked like until I showed up for the blind date.”
“Interesting. I’ll coordinate with Penny and then stage random bump ins with your suitresses.”
“Please don’t do that.”
“But this way you can still be surprised for a blind date. And I can keep tabs on the situation.”
Our waiter cleared his throat as he set down a few bottles of wine. “Should I give the two of you a minute?” He looked shocked by our conversation.
“Yes,” I said at the exact same time that Tanner said, “No need.”
He laughed. “Lovers quarrel?”
For fuck’s sake. What had we just been talking about? He probably thought we were in some weird open relationship. “We’re just friends,” I said.
“No need to explain. We’re very discreet. I’ll give you two gentlemen a minute.” He winked at us and walked away.