by Ivy Smoak
“What the fuck?” I said.
“And James and I saw you kissing Tanner at that romantic restaurant. I’m so sorry he doesn’t want to be more than friends. My heart hurts for you. And I know he cares for you of course, but he’s clearly not gay.”
“Neither am I!”
“Matt. It’s okay. We’re here for you no matter what. And I’m so sorry you never felt comfortable enough to tell us that you’ve been gay this whole time. We love you no matter what.”
“I haven’t been secretly gay this whole time. I’ve never been gay,” I added, just to make sure I was being clear enough.
“Well he definitely didn’t use to be gay,” Justin said. “Since he was engaged to Brooklyn and everything.”
It felt like all the air left my lungs.
“What?” Penny said. “Brooklyn?” She turned to me. “Who is Justin talking about?”
“His fiancée,” Justin said. “They were high school sweethearts. But she passed away…”
“Stop,” I said. I felt like I was choking.
“Oh my God, Matt.” Penny put her hand over her mouth.
This wasn’t how I wanted to tell her. It wasn’t supposed to come out like this. I couldn’t breathe. I got up from the table. I couldn’t look at any of them. I couldn’t do this right now. I couldn’t breathe.
“Wait, Matt,” Penny said.
“Penny, stop.” James ran after me instead. “Matt!” He caught up with me outside the restaurant. “I’m sorry. As soon as I found out she sent you on a blind date with Justin, I tried to stop it.”
“I just need to be alone.” I waved my hand at the valet. He went to get my car.
“Where are you going?” James asked.
I didn’t respond.
“Matt?”
I ignored him as the valet pulled my car up and handed me my keys.
“You’re not the only one that’s ever worried about someone else,” James said. “I worried about you back then. After Brooklyn died. I worried that you knew what it felt like to not want to keep going too. You were right about me. I hated my life. I hated everything. And you looked out for me. And now I’m looking out for you.” He grabbed the keys from my hand. “Now where are we going?”
I wasn’t going to fight with him. “I need to go home.”
“Okay.” He unlocked my car and we both climbed in.
He didn’t say a word to me as he drove through the city streets. Not a single word until he pulled up outside my place and cut the engine. “Brooklyn would have wanted you to be happy.”
“I meant what I said last night. I am happy.”
“You don’t look happy, man,” James said.
“I feel guilty. For moving on. I can’t help it. I am happy, but I feel like shit for being happy.”
“We all like Kennedy,” James said.
I looked over at him.
“You weren’t fooling anyone with that ‘just friends’ stunt. Except for Penny I guess.”
I laughed. “Yeah.”
“I used to feel guilty too. For being happy. For being with Penny when I broke the rules to have her. But I don’t regret breaking the rules. I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.”
I didn’t say anything.
“You made a promise when you were 16 years old. You’re allowed to break it.”
“I know. I just…I need to be alone for a few minutes. You can take the car back for Penny.”
“I’ll take a taxi.” He tossed the keys at me. “Call me if you need anything, okay?”
I nodded and climbed out of the car. I knew he was right. I’d told myself as much. But I just needed a minute to breathe.
Chapter 44
Saturday
I was sitting in the middle of all the portraits I’d painted of Brooklyn. They used to make me feel close to her. But tonight, she’d never felt further away.
I wasn’t sure how long I sat there staring. But I felt the wetness on my cheeks. I never did get the blue of Brooklyn’s eyes right in the most recent painting. And I realized right then that I didn’t really remember how her eyes looked. She was drifting away. I opened up the photo album that Kennedy had given me all those years ago. But instead of my eyes gravitating to Brooklyn like they always used to, they gravitated to Kennedy. I slammed the album closed.
“You paint?”
I turned around to see Penny leaning against the doorjamb. “I’m sorry. Your door was unlocked and…”
“It’s okay.”
“No. It’s not.” She sat down next to me on the floor. “I really messed up. I…”
“Thought I was gay. Yeah, I got that. I loved all your evidence too.” I smiled over at her.
She hit her shoulder against mine. “In my defense, I literally saw you kiss Tanner. What was I supposed to think?”
“It probably would have helped if I’d told you the truth about Brooklyn.”
“You can tell me now.”
“It’s a long story.”
She shrugged. “I’ve got time.”
“I’m pretty sure I fell in love with her the first moment I ever saw her.” I looked at the painting in front of me with Brooklyn’s smiling face. “She stuck out. Not because of her worn uniform or anything like that. But because she was…she was just a really good person. She wasn’t tainted by this world yet. She was pure. And perfect. And she was mine.” I filled Penny in on the story. All the way up to the vows I never got to say to Brooklyn. The ones I said at her funeral instead. I even told her our bitter last words to each other.
I looked over at Penny. She was wiping tears off her cheeks. “My heart hurts for you.”
It was something exactly like Brooklyn would say.
“I had no idea,” Penny said. “I’m so sorry.”
“How could you have known? I never told you.”
“Why not?”
“Because I didn’t want you to look at me like you’re looking at me right now. Like I’m broken.”
She leaned over and hugged me. “I don’t think you’re broken, Matt. I think you’re in pain. And that’s when you’re supposed to let friends in.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “About everything. And while I’m at it. For the past few years…I didn’t think of you as a friend. I lied. You remind me of her. And I think I…I just liked being close to you. I definitely had a little crush on you.”
She pulled away from my hug. “Wow, the guys were right? They’re never going to let me live this down.” She laughed even though it was forced. She tried to wipe her remaining tears away.
“She’s beautiful,” Penny said as she stared at the paintings.
“She was.” I needed to get used to talking about Brooklyn in the past tense. I needed to get used to talking about her at all.
“So that’s it?” Penny said. “You’re going to keep your promise to her and never date anyone else?”
“Would you date someone else if James died?”
She pulled her knees to her chest and rested her chin on one of them. “That’s an impossible question. If I waited 16 years? Our kids would be in high school and college.” She smiled. “God, 16 years is a long time. I don’t know how to answer that.” She looked over at me. “My gut reaction is no. I can’t imagine my life without him. And I’m sorry you’re living your life without her.”
We were both quiet.
“I almost lost him before. And it felt like a piece of my heart had been ripped out. Like I was slowly dying too.” She cringed as if the memory was too painful.
I knew the feeling.
“But James and I have lived a life that I’m proud of. We’re a family. We have kids. Is that something you want?”
“Yes.” I was so sick of lying to myself. “I really want that.”
“You’re not a bad person for wanting that,” she said.
“Am I a bad person for wanting to love someone else?”
“No. Not even a little bit.” She looked over at me. “The emotional brick wall thing makes
sense in this context too. You were trying not to love anyone else.”
“I’ve never loved anyone else. I’ve kept my promise.”
“And now?”
I didn’t respond.
“It’s scary,” she said. “Facing the unknown. But what’s the alternative? Not living?”
I didn’t know what to say.
“You should see the way Kennedy looks at you.”
I knew how Kennedy looked at me.
“I’m sorry too,” she said
“What are you sorry about?”
“I gave you this huge lecture about how toxic keeping secrets was. And you were right. I had one too. It’s okay to be scared. I know what it’s like to have the future you wanted pulled away from you.”
I pressed my lips together.
“And if you don’t want to talk, that’s fine. I know how to fill up the silence. You were wondering what I’ve been sad about, right?” She shrugged. “You thought it was about James. It has nothing to do with him, but also everything to do with him. He’s given me this amazing life. More than I could have possibly dreamed of. And I just wanted to give him one thing in return.” She closed her eyes. “A house full of children. And I can’t.” Her voice cracked. “I can’t have any more children.”
Fuck.
She wiped the tears that were trailing down her cheeks and opened up her eyes. “There was a complication with the surgery when I had Liam. I can’t have any more kids. And I’m trying to be fine. I want to be fine. But I’m not fine. I felt like my future was ripped away from me. And I’m trying to be strong and I’m trying to be present but some days are harder than others.”
She pulled her knees tighter to her chest. “So now you know. I’m not crying because I’m unhappy in my marriage. I’m crying because I want to give James the whole world like he’s given me. Because I love him so much that it hurts. And I love his friends like they’re my own family.” She shook her head.
I felt about two inches tall. I was so wrapped up in my own problems that I hadn’t seen it. “You’re everything to James. He doesn’t need anything else.”
“I know that. He’s told me a million times that Scarlett and Liam are enough. That I’m enough. But some days I don’t wake up feeling like enough. So now you know.” She wiped away her remaining tears. “Please don’t stare at me like I’m broken.”
I smiled at her. “I don’t think you’re broken either.”
She looked down at her stomach. “But I actually am.”
“You’re not, Penny. You’re perfect.”
Her fingers splayed across her stomach. “I’m not. No one’s perfect. But I do believe that everyone has a perfect fit. Someone that sees their flaws as anything but. And that’s what James is for me. And maybe that’s what Kennedy is for you. She’s seen you at your lowest lows. And she still looks at you with stars in her eyes.”
“It’s wrong, right? To be in love with Brooklyn’s best friend?”
Penny smiled. “I don’t know. You’re one of James’ best friends and rumor has it that you had a crush on me.”
I laughed. “You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”
“Probably not. But in all seriousness, I think that if you keep hiding out in here…” she gestured around the room, “…instead of taking a chance on something that could be great? You’ll regret it. More than you regret the last 16 years of pushing everyone away.”
“I don’t want her to fade away. I don’t want her to think that I stopped loving her. I’ll always love her too.”
“She may fade away a little. But she’ll never fade away completely. She’s a part of you. But you have to say goodbye. You can’t keep coming into this room and agonizing about the past. You have to see that that’s not healthy. You’re amazingly talented. But this…it’s a lot, Matt.”
I’d been afraid for anyone to see this room. I thought my friends would get me shipped off to a loony bin. Which was a valid fear. Because this was legit crazy. What was I doing? Wallowing my life away? Penny was right. I needed to say goodbye. But I couldn’t do that here. “You’re right. I know what I have to do.”
Penny nodded.
“But could you maybe just sit here with me for a while?” I asked.
“Of course. Tell me more about her.”
I smiled. I had a million stories to fill the time. And I’d always found it easy to talk to Penny. She always listened. Staring at me with her big blue eyes. I stared into them for a second. They were the same color as Brooklyn’s. Almost the exact same hue. I blinked and turned back to one of the paintings as I told Penny about the performance I did on the homecoming float to win Brooklyn back.
“You’re a terrible singer,” Penny said with a laugh. “I can’t believe you did that.”
“I’m not a terrible singer.”
She stared at me. “Please.”
I laughed.
It was so weird. For years I’d been jealous of James’ life. I’d resented him for having everything I wanted when it felt like he’d stolen it from me. But sitting here right now with Penny? I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I’d needed Penny. As a friend. And if James hadn’t met her, I think I probably would have still been stuck.
Penny was a terrible matchmaker. But she was one hell of a good friend.
***
I sat down on Brooklyn’s grave. “Hey.”
The silence of the night was all that greeted me.
I picked up a tulip that was on Brooklyn’s grave. “Kennedy’s back in town. But I guess you already knew that.” I wondered what Kennedy had talked to her about when she was here. Had she apologized for falling for me? That’s what I thought I’d be doing. But now that I was sitting here, I knew that wasn’t what I needed to do. I put the tulip back down.
“I’m sorry that I haven’t been living my life. I’m sorry that I’ve been wasting time. You’d be so pissed at me if you were here.” I smiled.
“I asked you for a sign the last time I was here. And I know Tanner meddled and technically the person I saw here was Jefferson’s mom.” I shook my head. “But I think you sent Kennedy back here. I think you knew she could fix me. She was my wake-up call.”
I slowly exhaled. “Everyone knows about our past now. I’m sorry I kept you a secret. It’s been really lonely. I’ve been really fucked up, Brooklyn.”
I knew it was crazy, but it felt like she was listening. So I said the words I never thought I’d say. “I want a wife. I want kids. I want a family. And I can’t have any of that with you. I’ll always love you. But I can’t stop living. You’d hate me for it.”
I swallowed hard. “I think I love her.” I ran my fingers along the grass to where I thought my aunt’s ring was. The one I’d given to Brooklyn when I’d asked her to marry me. “And I need to see this through. I need to give us a chance.” I looked down. The ring was right around here. I had been pissed that Mr. Pruitt had given it back to me. It had belonged here with Brooklyn, so I’d buried it here after her funeral. But I needed it back. I needed my heart back. I let my fingers sink into the dirt, digging tiny holes, until my fingers collided with the ring. I pulled it out. It looked terrible. Caked with mud and grime. I wiped my finger against the diamond and it caught a sparkle in the moonlight.
“Everyone said time would help. But it hasn’t helped at all. It was like I felt guiltier and guiltier every day that went by. Until I wasn’t even sure it was because of my last words to you or because in my heart I knew that I wanted to live my life again.” I wiped away my tears. “I wanted you. I wanted you to be my wife. The mother of my kids. My family. But I can’t have you. And I can’t keep living like this. I can’t.”
“This is goodbye,” I said. “Not forever. I just…need some space to give Kennedy and me a real chance. You understand, right? You’d want this, wouldn’t you?” I’d want it for her. I’d never want her to be miserable. She couldn’t possibly want me to keep living in hell.
“I would do anything to go ba
ck in time and do things differently. Say anything else to you. Tell you anything so you didn’t hurt when you left this world. Something to make your heart happy. And I don’t ever want to forget about you. Or what we had. But I have to let this go before I drown.”
I slowly stood up. “I love you.” But I’m ready to move on. I touched the top of her gravestone. And then patted Uncle Jim’s too before walking out of the graveyard. I wasn’t going to waste another second of my life. I slid the engagement ring into my pocket. I needed to talk to Kennedy.
Chapter 45
Saturday
Kennedy
The teakettle started whistling. I immediately pulled it off the stove before it made too much noise. My mom was sleeping and I didn’t want to wake her. But I couldn’t sleep. And tea always seemed to help.
I poured the hot water into a mug and added a tea bag. I wiped the tears off my cheeks. I wasn’t sure how much tea would help the fact that I couldn’t stop crying.
“Mi amor, what are you doing up this late?”
I tried to wipe away the rest of my tears. “I’m sorry, Mama. Did I wake you?” I cleared my throat. “I just needed some tea. You should go back to sleep.”
“Kennedy.” She lightly touched my chin so that I’d look at her. “Why the tears?”
I couldn’t help my bottom lip shaking. “I messed everything up.”
“Nunca.” She pulled my head down onto her shoulder. “You couldn’t possibly.”
“I did.”
She rubbed her hand up and down my back. “Was it Matt? Did he hurt you?”
I lifted my head. “No.” I shook my head. “No, nothing like that.” I sniffed. “Quite the opposite.” It was scary to say the words I needed to say out loud. It made them too real. It made it so easy for me to get hurt. But if I couldn’t even say them to my mom, how would I ever say them to Matt? “I think I might love him.”
My mom just nodded. And then turned and poured herself a cup of tea too. “Tell me everything.” She sat down on the couch.
“I didn’t mean for it to happen.” I sat down next to her. “I wasn’t even going to look him up when I got back to the city. But we ran into each other. And one thing led to another. And…I just…he understands me. He respects me, Mama. He’s kind and caring. And everything I’ve never had before. But I don’t know what I’m doing. He was engaged to Brooklyn. What the hell am I doing?”