by CJ Adler
You'd think she'd realize she already has a grandchild.
Gramps turns back to Jay (who is still busy recovering from his choking fit) in interest. “When do you plan on marrying Aqueela then?” he asks. “We need an estimate so we can predict more or less when Aqueela will fall pregnant.”
Jay clears his throat, shifting slightly on his spot as if at a complete loss for words. He's feeling overwhelmed. I can see that he's struggling. I take the liberty to speak for him. “We'll get there when we get there,” I answer. “We're only eighteen. We're still kids ourselves.”
Grams pouts. “But I want grandkiddies.”
For an old person, she lacks wisdom.
I roll my eyes at her, not bothering to comment.
“You two better make sure you're both in this relationship for the long run,” Grams replies back, taking what I said seriously…for once.
I love Jay. Of course, I'm in it for the long run.
“We are,” I assure Grams, speaking on Jay's behalf. I'm giving him time to collect himself, regain his 'cool' and make the ultimate comeback from his uncomfortable silence.
“Do you love her?” Grams asks Jay, from out of the blue, as if to test whether he's really in it for the long run or not. She already knows how I feel about him. Now, she's trying to get some clear perspective on how he feels.
My heart takes a plunge at Gram's blatant question. I freeze, my eyes widening. I turn to face Jay, shocked that Grams would push it as far as that, as far as asking him something so personal and private.
I purse my lips, speechless and look around in the hopes of finding a solution to this uncomfortable situation. However, I find myself unable to do or say anything. A part of me wants to hear Jay's answer and another part of me is too afraid to.
I rub my clammy hands on the back of my jeans as I, along with my grandparents, stare at Jay expectantly, impatiently awaiting his answer.
Jay clenches his jaw, tense, as his gaze strays from my grams to me. He spares me a hesitant, strained glance before reaching up to touch the back of his neck. “I…uh…” He falters, taking a long, questionable pause before averting his gaze from me altogether. His face pales under the pressure. He hesitates uncertainly for the second time. “I just—”
“He doesn't have to answer!” I interject on impulse, saving him.
Both my grandparents and Jay turn to look at me in surprise. I just interrupted a crucial moment; he was about to answer.
“Stop chastising him, Grams,” I order, my heart plummeting as a result of it all. I have doubt.
“It was just a question,” Grams replies, conveying her confusion, unaware of the mess she just started. “I thought he'd power through it.”
Jay's answer to Gram's 'just a question' would have most likely been the most valuable answer I could ever receive in this lifetime and he hesitated. Twice.
Jay blows out a breath of relief before offering me an uneasy grin.
I turn to my grandparents and send them a meek smile. “I forgot I had other plans. I—” I stumble over my words before recollecting my thoughts, “I mean, we…” I gesture from myself to Jay, “should uh...just go.” I leave all too eagerly, ignoring the questionable expressions plastered on all of their faces, including Jay's.
I hear my gramps tell Jay that he's welcome back anytime. Jay manages a smile before he comes sprinting after me.
“Hey!” Jay calls out to me as I continue walking. “You okay?” he asks gently as he matches my strides. “Shouldn't we call Benley to fetch us if we're done here or…” he trails off in realization.
Jay's the type of person who can be with someone for years and never truly love. Being in love is not his forte. It's not a flaw. It's just his nature. I know for a fact that his past has had an impact on him. His past prevents him from letting go completely. A part of him will always be stuck. He doesn't want to be hurt again and so he doesn't allow himself to be. It's why he comes across as 'cold'.
He stops me by stepping in front of me. “Aqueela…” he begins, trying to console me, “do you want to talk about it?” he asks, despite obviously not wanting to talk about it himself. He's never been gifted at talking things through.
I shake my head, dropping the subject for my own sake. “It's fine. I'm fine,” I reassure him, trying to evade the talk. “Sorry that things got intense back there,” I apologize. “My grandparents can be…” I pause, thinking of a suitable word, “eccentric.”
“Crazy?” Jay offers instead with a witty smile. I nod. “That works too.”
“They're great,” Jay says, pulling me from my thoughts. He sees my apprehension on the subject and clarifies, “Your grandparents, they're great. Like you.”
“I think you're the first to ever say that about them,” I admit, my heart still drilling away at my chest.
Jay tends to see the best in people, even in my whack grandparents, without even realizing it.
“You learn to appreciate family when you don't have one,” he answers. “Despite their eccentrics, they're still loving grandparents who care about you.”
Jay's always wanted a family. He's never said it directly but he definitely wants people in his life he can turn to and rely on for anything and everything – in other words, a family.
“Well, Taylor, you heard my Grams, they already consider you as part of the family. They love you. Trust me, if they didn't, you'd know it.” I grin slightly, my spirits having been lifted by him and his presence alone.
Jay answers through his actions. His hands settle on my waist before he lifts me off the ground, effortlessly and unexpectedly. On reflex, I grab onto his shoulders to steady myself. He playfully twirls me around in the air, a boyish smile on his face as he does so, his blue eyes gleaming in pure mischief.
I laugh aloud in glee, my hands still on his shoulders. I glance down at him from within his grip. “Jay? What are you—”
He lowers me slightly so that I'm level with his face. He moves forward, kissing me. I instantly relax in his hold and kiss him back. In spite of everything, he's still Jay. He pulls away all too quickly, his eyes finding mine again.
“What was that for?” I ask as I wrap my arms around his neck in order to keep my balance. He's not putting me back down anytime soon.
“A lot of things,” he answers, being vague as always.
I nod absentmindedly, taking in a deep breath before coming out with what
I've been wanting to tell him for a while now. “I've been thinking—”
“Dangerous.”
I glower at him for that before continuing, “I think I'm going to take you up on that ticket.”
His breathtaking smile becomes concealed behind an ominous frown, his current 'happy-go-lucky' mood fading fast. “What?” he asks quietly. Before I can say anything more, he slowly lowers me back to the ground and releases me entirely.
“When were you planning on telling me this?” he asks as he takes a step back from me, hurt.
“Now?” I have the suckiest timing ever. I just ruined whatever moment we were busy sharing.
“Can you at least explain why?” he asks, his expression unreadable as he purposely hides his emotions.
I nod, realizing that I owe him, of all people, an explanation for my decision. “I've already lost one parent, I don't want to lose another one,” I confess, referring to the death of my biological mother. “A couple days ago, Yolanda phoned to check in. She's been released. She calls every now and again just to talk—”
“You didn't tell me,” he replies back sullenly, his dislike for my stepmother evident in his facial expression and tone of voice.
“I knew you'd be angry,” I defend myself and my actions.
Jay crosses his arms over his chest. “I am.”
“I'm sorry,” I reply, earnest. “We still have somewhat of a relationship after everything she did to me.”
My gaze, as well as Jay's, automatically flicker to the faded scars on my arms. The reminder only pushes Jay further into ob
livion. He can't bring himself to forgive Yolanda for what she did to me.
“I told her about the possibility of seeing my father and when I asked her for her opinion, she was completely against the idea. Still is,” I elaborate, filling him on all the details.
“Good,” Jay replies calmly. “For once, she said something intelligent.” “That's when I decided that I should go and see him,” I confess. “You've lost me,” Jay admits, confusion washing over his current fury.
“After everything Yolanda's done to me, I've managed to forgive her. I gave her a chance and as a result, I still have a relationship with her. It's not a great one but it's one nonetheless. Why can't I give my father, an actual blood relative, the same chance? Surely he deserves that,” I explain to Jay, at least, I try to. I feel like he's not even bothering to understand. He's just questioning my choice. I can see it in his eyes.
“I can't support this, you know that, right?” Jay asks, taking on a more gentle approach with me.
“Why'd you give me the choice then?” I question, confused.
“Because I didn't think it would be a choice for you. I didn't think there was a choice for you to make,” he answers, feigning indifference.
“It would only be a month,” I breathe out in desperation, willing him to understand and support me in this. It took a lot of courage to make the choice. Why can't he see that? “I get that my father has to clean up his act, but don't we all? I can't be that judgmental of him. It's not right.”
“I called him. He rejected you once before, what's to stop him from rejecting you again?”
If it were to ever come down to that, I'd be able to handle it.
“Maybe it will be different if I speak to him myself, face-to-face,” I answer, my decision unwavering. I'm not going to change my mind.
“That's naive. He's just going to hurt you again,” Jay insists, close-minded about the entire issue.
“You're hurting me right now,” I breathe out in irritation. “Why can't you just support me in this?”
He sighs, averting his eyes as he contemplates it for a second before meeting my gaze again. “Fine,” he states. “I'll support you in whatever you decide—”
“I've decided,” I correct him, making it crystal clear that I'm going.
“I'm not happy about it but I will support you,” he tells me firmly. “If he hurts you, just remember that you have a real family back here, with your friends, with your grandparents, with me.”
I shrug, a smile on my lips. “Fair enough.” I hold my hand out to him. “Shake on it?”
Jay cracks a grin and shakes his head, knowing better.
“Spit on it?” I joke.
“I'm not doing this with you again.” He begins to walk away, reminiscing on the agreement that started all of this in the first place.
Chapter 62
Bid you Goodbye
I'm busy packing when I come across a black leather jacket among my clothes. A smile traces my lips as I reminisce back to the day I first met Jay in the ice cream store. Since then, I've ruined three of his leather jackets. The strawberry ice cream washed out of this one. Looking back, I'm glad I kept it.
Jay doesn't know that I've kept it all this time since meeting him. Back then, I kept the jacket in case I needed to remind him what I'm capable of. Today, I keep it because it's now a part of me, as is he.
Inside the jacket pocket, I find the very first photo I ever took of Jay. All you can see of him is his brown hair sticking out from behind the oak tree—my oak tree. I'd forgotten where I'd put the photo. I thought I had just misplaced it. If I was right about anything, it was my judgment. His picture was worth keeping, almost as much as he is.
I glance down at Slobber, only to find him already staring up at me with his big, round eyes. He lets out a bark upon seeing my hesitation.
“I agree with you, Slobs. If Jay isn't coming with me, then a part of him sure as hell is,” I coo, patting the top of the puppy's fluffy head before dumping Jay's jacket and photo into my suitcase.
Slobber barks again as if to gain my attention.
“What's that, Slobber?” I question as I look through the rest of our photos. “You think I should throw these in too, buddy?” I ask him, holding up a picture of Jay and me.
Slob wags his tail in response.
“Me too,” I say before putting all of our photos into the suitcase. I place a kiss atop the fluffball's head. “I'm going to miss you, Slobs,” I whisper as I scratch the underside of his fuzzy chin.
“You done packing yet?”
I just about jump right off of the bed at being caught reminiscing. “You've got to stop sneaking up on me like that!” I hiss at Jay as I place a hand over my chest, trying to tame my racing heart—it just about leaped out of my chest at his unexpected presence.
Jay, casually leaning against my door frame for who knows how long, grins down at me in amusement. “I don't know.” He shrugs as he pushes himself off of the door and moves toward me. “I prefer to see you on your toes,” he jokes, that teasing smirk carefully imprinted on his lips.
I ignore him and sigh aloud instead, dismissing his comment. “Remind me again why you can't just come with me?” I ask for the hundredth time, deciding to pester him seeing as he caught me off guard.
“Because you need to face this and overcome it on your own,” Jay persists on with his ridiculous theory. Unfortunately, with him, there's no changing his mind once it's set. “I'll only get in the way.”
I back down seeing as a part of me agrees with him. Not only do I feel like I need to do this on my own, but I also feel that I need some time away from Jay. He hurt me. Granted, it had been unintentional on his part. I think it's best we spend some time apart to clear our heads and reevaluate where we're at with each other, where we're both at in this relationship.
“Plus, I have university applications and acceptance letters to sort through. I'm going to be busy,” he explains and I nod in understanding. I get that he's got his own life to live too. It's not like we're married. We make our own decisions.
“Are you still mad at me?” I question as I stand up from my bed.
Jay sighs before shaking his head at me. “I'm not mad at you, specifically. I'm mad at the situation. I'm angry that you got the worse end of life, the worse end of being raised and brought up.” He's the one to talk. “I'm not exactly happy about all of this, but I promised myself that I would never hold you back,” he clarifies in conviction. “I keep to my promises.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, grateful that he's not asking me to stay – that would make things even more difficult for me. I'm glad he's found it within himself to be supportive of what I want and need.
“You know, I knew your name from the beginning,” he clears his throat, stating it from right out the blue. “I saw you around, knew that I liked you, but that was it,” he slowly admits. “It never went further than that, well, unless you count interaction from afar without you knowing.”
I didn't realize that he noticed me long before I ever noticed him, that he sought me out way before I sought him out. He's never told me this before.
“What are you talking about?” I ask as I'm reminded of the secrecy between him and Principal P. All I know is that it's Mason-related.
“Never mind,” Jay brushes it off like he'd done at graduation.
For his sake, I let it go. There's too much on my mind to bother.
“So, remember, Slobber needs food twice a day. Boil the food so that it's softer for him to chew…” I ramble on as I try to remember everything while packing in all my clothes. “Oh, and don't give him the food hot. Let it cool first or he'll burn his little tongue, and if he yelps then just—”
Jay suddenly tugs me forward. I go stumbling into his chest. I glance up at him in bewilderment just as he places his index finger against my lips. “Sshhh,” he orders, cutting me off. “We've been over this ten thousand times already. I know what to do.”
I pull away from him as I go
back to packing, my mind all over the place. He's not having it and forces me back to him. I stare up at him in defeat. “Jay—” I begin to protest before being cut off.
“Stop worrying,” he shushes me as he brings me closer to him. “Relax, I've got this,” he replies confidently as he begins to play with a lock of my blonde hair, threading the strand in between his fingertips. He always does this: discreetly takes my focus off the task at hand whenever he wants my full attention.
I drop everything and cross my arms over my chest, holding my ground. I look up at him in determination. “But—”
He drops his head to kiss me. I'm beginning to think he enjoys doing that. My mind ceases with all thoughts as I register his soft lips dominating my own lips. Immediately, my arms wind themselves around his neck. In turn, he cups my face in both his hands to take in all of me that he possibly can before I leave.
“Jay…” I murmur against him, “I have to pack.”
“Later,” is his doubtful reply as he lifts me up before placing me down on the table so that we're almost eye level. I shift, accidentally knocking a few unimportant things off the table. For once, he's not concerned about it.
My eyes stray to the mess on the floor. I speak up before he can say anything. “I hope you know that you're cleaning that up,” I tell him as I motion to all the objects on the floor. The mess is technically more his fault than mine.
“Sure, sure, whatever you want,” he mumbles, giving in way too easily.
He leans in again but I place my hand against his firm chest, effectively stopping him from coming any closer when my cell phone begins to ring. He frowns in disappointment when I reach past him to answer the phone.
“Hello,” I answer, Jay still holding me and refusing to let me pack and get it over with. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that he's trying to prolong everything.
“What's up, loser?” Max replies back from his side. “When were you planning on telling all of us that you're running away, huh?”
I place my hand against the side of the phone so that Max can't hear me. I turn to face the traitor. “Damn it, Jay,” I huff, lightly tracing his jaw with my fingertips. “Why'd you tell everyone? I was planning on telling them all later.”