Epic Tales from Adventure Time

by T. T. MacDangereuse

  “Your right or our right?” Cake asked.

  “Um . . . your right.”

  “Here we go.” Fionna grabbed the top of the wheel and jerked it down hard. The ship lurched toward the dock.

  “No, my right, my right!”

  “What the glob!” Cake’s tail had puffed out to three times its normal size. She and Fionna spun the wheel frantically. The ship swung back the other way and slipped away from the dock.

  “I thought you knew how to sail this thing,” Cake snapped as Gumball clambered up the stairs.

  “I know a great deal about sailing and ship masonry.” Gumball wiped sweat from his forehead and grinned. “It’s just that some of my knowledge is a bit . . . academic.”

  “So, what, you read some book about it?” Fionna asked.

  “Books. Plural. And I assure you, they were very thorough books.”

  Fionna pushed her hair out of her eyes and stared at Gumball in bewilderment. Just what had she and Cake gotten themselves into?

  “This yacht was built according to my own plans. I’ve been dying to put her through her paces.” Gumball rubbed his chin. “Though we don’t seem to be going as fast as my research indicated. Oh! The sails. I need to trim them. Hold her steady, I’ll be right back.”

  “I think we’re in trouble here, Cake,” Fionna said as Gumball leaped down the stairs and ran to the mainmast.

  Cake scowled. “Don’t I know it.”

  Whatever Gumball did worked. By the time he rejoined them at the helm, the ship had picked up speed. Fionna squinted at the horizon and could just make out the masts of the Ice Queen’s vessel. A tear slipped down Cake’s cheek, and Fionna put a comforting arm around her friend’s shoulders. “Don’t worry,” she said. “We’ll catch up with them. You’ll be back with Lord Monochromicorn in no time.”

  “Yeah.” Cake swiped at her eyes. “And then I’m gonna make that woman sorry she ever decided to mess with us.”

  Chapter 3

  After half an hour, it began to snow, and it thickened as Gumball’s yacht closed the gap between them and the Ice Queen’s ship. Small icebergs dotted the water.

  “I bet she’s trying to slow us down,” Cake muttered.

  “At least the wind’s holding steady,” Gumball said. “The current here is pushing against us. We should all keep a sharp eye on these icebergs. We don’t want to hit any of them.”

  Fionna opened her mouth to interject a comment of her own. Instead, she threw up all over her shoes.

  “Girl, why didn’t you say you were feeling sick?” Cake chided. “That’s just gross.”

  “I . . . I . . .” She couldn’t say anything more. She felt sweaty and even more nauseous than she had before she’d thrown up. She shivered and rubbed her bare arms. Of all the days to be stuck wearing a sleeveless gown. Cake hopped onto Fionna’s back and quickly formed herself into a hoodie.

  “Fionna, you should have told me.” Gumball dug into his jacket pocket and pulled out a floppy gold band. “Put this around your wrist. It’ll help, I promise.”

  Fionna took the band. It was translucent, and slightly warm, with the texture and flexibility of a fresh gummy worm. When she slipped it over her hand, it shrank. As it squeezed her wrist, its color flashed from gold to green. Immediately, she felt better. The nausea and dizziness subsided. “Wow, thanks, Gumball. What is this thing?”

  “Anti-seasickness leech.” Gumball grinned. “I invented it. And please, call me PG.”

  A sudden blast of wind howled through the rigging, and the ship lurched forward with enough force to knock all of them off their feet.

  “Now we’re cooking with fire!” Cake jumped up and grabbed the wheel. Gumball’s yacht cut cleanly through the waves. In moments they’d drawn close enough to the queen’s vessel for Fionna to make out the features of the captive party guests. The queen had created a giant ice cage on the center of the main deck, and packed every single one of them inside. Lord Monochromicorn’s noble head jutted out of the top.

  “I’m coming, baby!” Cake shouted as Lord Monochromicorn neighed.

  “We are so going to win. I knew this ship was awesome,” Gumball said. “Turn a bit to the left. We want a little more space between us when we pass her.”

  “Which left?” Cake shrieked.

  “Starboard! Starboard!”

  “There aren’t any Star People on board!” Cake and Fionna shouted in unison.

  “Pretend there’s one that way!” Gumball pointed. Cake swore as she jerked the wheel. They slipped alongside the Ice Queen’s ship.

  Fionna scanned the deck. “Where’s the Ice Queen? I don’t see her.”

  “There she is.” Gumball pointed up at the crow’s nest.

  Just as they were about to pull ahead of the ice ship, the aueen waved her arm, and a bolt of magic shot from her hand toward them. The yacht lurched in the water and canted sharply to the left.

  Fionna gasped. “What did she do?”

  Gumball ran to the back of the ship and peered over the railing. “She iced the rudder! We can’t steer.”

  Cake pounded the wheel, spitting with rage. “That’s cheating!”

  The Ice Queen bared her pointy teeth in a wide grin and waved at them. “It’s only cheating if it’s someone else doing it to me!” she called as her ship floated away from them again.

  “Can you move the rudder at all?” Gumball asked. Both Cake and Fionna threw themselves against it. It didn’t budge.

  Fionna eyed the increasingly large icebergs floating past them. “This is bad.”

  “That’s such an understatement! We’re floating through an ice field and we can’t steer,” Cake said. “Sister, we’ve gone straight past bad and into catastrophic!”

  As if their worst fears had suddenly materialized, a huge iceberg swept straight toward them.

  “Maybe I can block it.” Cake licked her lips and stared at the oncoming berg.

  Fionna grabbed her friend’s arm. “Don’t you even try. It’s too big—you’ll be crushed. The wind’s still strong—can you glide us out of here?”

  “Not the both of you, not at the same time.”

  “What’s the alternative?”

  “Quick,” Gumball said. “The lifeboats. We’re out of options.”

  Fionna and Cake exchanged glances and ran after Gumball as he tore down the deck. Working together, they yanked the canvas cover off one of the tiny crafts. Fionna was so terrified she couldn’t even begin to allow herself to think. Just then they heard a thunderous crunch. A massive shudder tore through the whole ship.

  “Hurry, push it over!” Gumball shouted.

  “I got a better idea.” Cake’s arms shot out like rubbery serpents and wrapped themselves five or six times around the lifeboat. “Stand back!” She hefted it over the side of the boat and set it gently in the water. “Okay, now you guys.” Keeping one hand on the rocking craft to hold it steady, she twined her other arm first around Fionna, then Gumball, lowering them into the boat before finally hopping down herself. Not a moment too soon—the yacht was listing in the water, slowly keeling over onto its side. It slipped beneath the waves, sucked down into the steel-gray depths.

  “Well, poop.” Gumball heaved a sigh as he stared forlornly at the handful of fat bubbles that were the only sign his ship had ever existed. “On her maiden voyage, no less.” A particularly large wave rolled beneath the lifeboat, drenching them with spray, and Gumball stumbled against the side of the boat. Cake and Fionna shouted and grabbed at his shoulders as he nearly tumbled out into the frigid water.

  “Be careful!” Fionna shoved him down into the bottom of the boat and collapsed on one of the plain wooden benches, head in her hands.

  “It’s all right,” Gumball said. “I’ve read a ton of books about swimming as well.”

  “In freezing water?” Cake snorted.
/>   Fionna’s pulse pounded through her skull. She pressed her fists against her temples. The ocean. Miles and miles of water. Her head swam with fear. “So what do we do now?” she managed. “It’s getting dark.”

  Gumball lurched to his feet. “I’ll put the oars in the oarlocks and we can—”

  “Sit down!” Fionna and Cake shouted. Gumball dropped back into the bottom of the boat with a hurt look on his face.

  “You are testing my patience,” Cake snapped. “Just stay there.”

  “Where are the oars?” Fionna asked. Gumball pointed. They were lashed against the sides of the craft, secured beneath the middle bench. Fionna and Cake unfastened them and dropped them into the oarlocks. The wind stiffened and Fionna’s entire body broke out in goosebumps.

  “Cake, I’m freezing,” Fionna said. The air was so cold it stung her throat when she breathed. Cake slipped back around Fionna’s torso, turning into a parka.

  “How about you?” Cake asked, glancing at Gumball. “You doing okay?”

  “Don’t worry about me. My motto’s ‘always be prepared.’” Gumball reached into his suit jacket and pulled out a small pink rectangle. He unfolded it and shook it out with a snap, revealing a cloak, which he wrapped around his shoulders. “Thermal blanket. My own invention. Lightweight and super-snuggly.”

  Fionna cupped her hands and blew on them, then grabbed the oars. “We better get going.”

  Cake stretched her neck out past Fionna’s head and glanced down at the water. “The current’s pushing us in the wrong direction. It’s going to be murder to row against.”

  Fionna frowned. “If we go with the current, and make it back to port, can we get another ship?”

  “If we do that, we’ll never be able to catch up with the Ice Queen, much less have a hope of reaching the Island Guy ahead of her,” Gumball said. “Anyway, at this point we’re probably much closer to the Island Guy than to port.”

  Fionna groaned.

  “I could make myself into a sail,” Cake said, “And we could tack against it.”

  Fionna glanced at Gumball. “I don’t suppose you’ve got another blanket in there?”

  “I don’t, but there’s enough room for us both to fit in this one.” Gumball’s irises glistened and wobbled handsomely. “It’s snuggly.”

  “Hey, hey, there’ll be none of that,” Cake said. “I can do two things at once.” She held up one of her skinny arms and opened her hand. As Fionna and Gumball watched, her hand expanded until it was the size of a large bedspread. It filled with wind and they scuttled forward.

  “Mathematical!” Grinning, Fionna shipped the oars. They were still in the race and, with luck, maybe they could still win.

  Chapter 4

  Fionna peered over the side of the lifeboat, her hands clamped in a death grip on the smooth wood. Things were moving in the water beneath them. Large things. Things that left a glowing trail behind their sleek bodies in the water.

  Things with teeth. Lots of sharp teeth.

  She shuddered.

  “I keep telling you, stop looking,” Cake said, using her free, non-sail hand to grab Fionna’s head and drag her back into a sitting position on the bench.

  “I can’t help it. I can’t stop thinking about what might be down there.”

  “You better start helping it. You get yourself so worked up, it’s making me nervous.”

  “Don’t worry, Fionna,” Gumball said. He craned his head over the side of the boat and stared down into the water. “I’m pretty sure that’s just a school of pelagic, shark-toothed, ten-tentacled snappers. But considering how slow they’re moving, and that reddish tint in the water, I think it’s safe to say they’ve fed recently. They probably won’t mess with us. Anyhoo, this time of year, in these waters, I’m thinking the only thing we have to worry about are flying jellyfish. Those can be nasty. I read one story where this guy got caught in a whole swarm of them, and he ended up so horribly scarred, his own family couldn’t recognize him.”

  “Gumball,” Cake said. “Stop. Helping.”

  Fionna clenched her jaw to keep her teeth from chattering and swallowed around a huge lump in her throat. “Maybe we could hop off this boat and camp out on one of those nice big icebergs for a little bit,” she said. “Just for a little while. They seem so much more . . . stable.”

  “That’s because for icebergs like this, 90 percent of their mass is below the surface of the water,” Gumball piped up.

  “Will you give it a rest?” Cake made an exasperated sound. “It’s going to be dark soon. I’m going to glide up and see if I can spot any landmarks.”

  “Yeah!” Fionna said. “Landmarks. I love that idea. Love it. Landmarks are on land! Hurry and look. Gumball, let me under that blanket until she gets back.”

  Cake unwrapped herself and spread her body out into a giant kite while Fionna ducked under the blanket with Gumball. “Here, Fionna.” Cake threw her right foot to Fionna, and Fionna caught it reflexively. It had shape-changed into a spool. “Hold on tight! And no funny business,” Cake said. Her leg thinned and stretched into a slim rope, and with a jerk she disappeared as the wind sucked her up into the sky.

  Gumball coughed and cleared his throat, and Fionna was suddenly very aware of how close they were sitting. The boat felt very, very small. She felt herself flush and stifled a groan. She looked like a gallon of pulped tomatoes when she blushed, all patchy and spotty.

  “I hope we’re almost there,” she said quickly.

  “Hmmm . . . Fionna, I have something to tell you.” Gumball’s voice was low, mesmerizing.

  Fionna couldn’t stop herself—she turned and met his luminous eyes. “Yeah?” Her voice sounded breathy and strange, not like her voice at all.

  “Fionna. . . .” Gumball met her gaze. “Your breath . . . is terrible. Probably from all that puking earlier. Could you maybe, I dunno, gargle with some seawater? If you don’t mind.”

  Fionna stared at Gumball as every thought in her head jammed in her think-pipe. Her eyes felt like they were going to pop out of her skull. She fought down an urge to smack Gumball. Moving jerkily, she leaned far enough over the side of the boat to cup a hand of icy-cold water but even being that close to the water was too much for her. She couldn’t do it. She pretended to scoop up a handful of water and tip it into her mouth. She swished the air in her mouth and “spit” into the water. When she sat back up, she clenched her knees with her fists and stared straight ahead, waiting for her face to cool.

  “So, PG,” she said when she felt calm enough. “What’s the deal with the alterego? Why pretend to be the caterer at your own parties? If you don’t want to be there, why throw them in the first place?” She stole a glance out of the corner of her eye and was pleased to see Gumball’s cheeks redden a bit.

  “Well, it’s mostly that I love baking,” he said. “I started throwing intimate dinner parties so I could show off my mad skills. But I want to keep pushing myself to improve, and once people knew who I was, all they did was kiss my butt-meats. I couldn’t get an honest opinion out of anybody.”

  “So you decided to hide your identity?”

  Gumball shrugged. “What better way to hide than in plain sight? The happiest day of my life was when Elbow Prince spit out a petit four I’d dusted with stink-worms and said it was the worst thing he’d ever eaten. That’s when I knew I’d finally be able to reach the heights I aspired to.”

  Despite herself, Fionna smiled. “I can respect that,” she said.

  “Heads up!” Cake’s voice rang out moments before she swooped down over the boat, missing Fionna’s head by inches.

  “Well?” Fionna shot to her feet, setting the boat rocking dangerously. “Are we close?”

  “Not even,” Cake said, turning herself back into Fionna’s parka. “I can’t see nothing. Or, I guess I mean, all I can see is nothing. Oh, excuse me, I did see one th
ing. Big fog bank, heading straight toward us. So now we can be even more cold and wet. It’ll be a great way to spend the night.”

  “Spend the night? Out here?” Fionna gasped.

  “Keep it together, girl.”

  “It’ll be all right,” Gumball said. “Why, if we’re lucky, we may be able to see a school of bioluminescing eyeball stingers. Don’t worry, the name is a misnomer. They don’t sting your eyes, they lay eggs on them, and then the eggs hatch and the larvae drill into your eyeballs and eat your retinas. But that would only happen if you stuck your face in the water while they pass by. Though I suppose if the wind kicks up enough spray—”

  “GUMBALL!” Cake slapped her hand across the young man’s mouth. “You need to quit it with the science lessons.”

  Gumball looked hurt and lapsed into what Fionna was pretty sure was a funk.

  Just as Cake had predicted, as the sun dipped below the horizon, a massive fog bank surrounded them. Condensation dripped from everything, and Fionna tucked her hands inside her Cake-shirt. The thick fog deadened sound, making it difficult to hear someone even a few feet away.

  “Well, this sucks,” Cake said.

  Fionna shivered and crossed her arms over her chest. “You can say that again.”

  “Hey, what’s that?” Cake pointed at a spot just behind them.

  Fionna turned and saw a huge shadow slip through the fog. Moments later, a perfectly ginormous ship appeared, looming above them. Fionna craned her head back on her neck. Marshall Lee was emblazoned down the entire side of the ship in huge, gold-trimmed block letters. The sails were colored dark black, and polished wooden skulls decorated the railings. The figurehead was a weird, two-headed thing that was like nothing Fionna had ever seen.

  “Hey!” Fionna leaped to her feet and waved her arms above her head.

  “Here, try this.” Gumball pulled a star-shaped magenta candy from inside his jacket’s breast pocket and handed it to her.

  “Throw me! Throw me!” the star cried in a joyous, high-pitched voice.