by Gabi Moore
“I still feel guilty though.”
“I know. I get that.”
I sighed and joined him in the near-hypnotic work of painting again.
“I guess you’re used to that kind of thing,” I said.
“What kind of thing?”
“You know. Death…”
His brush tips paused on the wall.
“No, not used to it. Death is always death. You never get used to it. And that’s a good thing. But what I have learnt to do is keep my head. There are always going to be evil men in this world, Kate. Always. I used to drive myself crazy thinking about what ifs. What if I had been more careful with some mission, if I had been stronger, if one of my men had been at place A rather than place B, if I had been better, if I hadn’t made some mistake I made,” he said, and his voice trailed off. “But I know not to do that anymore. The world isn’t black and white like that. Sometimes the cause and effect don’t happen where you expect them to. Sometimes the moral of one story is in another story. Sometimes it’s hard to say who’s the bad guy. But there’s always one thing you can do.”
“What’s that?”
“Well, you can try your best. That’s all. Be kind, work hard. Know your limits and constantly work to them and beyond them when you can. When you fuck up, let it go.”
“I think I fucked up with Derek,” I said quietly. “I should have kicked him out of my life a lot sooner.”
Here he put his paintbrush on the rim of the can and looked at me with those green eyes of his, which I suddenly had a funny notion of as perfectly camo-colored.
“Ok. Let’s say you should have. Why is he still in your life right now then?”
I put my own paintbrush down too.
“Well, he’s not really in my life…”
“He is. You see those scars on your arms? They’re still there aren’t they? If you don’t want him in your life anymore, then let’s just stop talking about him. Let’s forget about him right now, forever.”
I stared at him, a little shocked.
“It’s not so simple, Max…”
“Yes, it is. None of that matters right now. Not what happened a year ago, not what happened two minutes ago, none of it.”
“Well, what does matter then?” I said, feeling the beginning of tears welling up in my throat.
“This,” he said and gestured to the bedroom around us. “Me.”
I blinked hard at him.
“You?”
He frowned.
“Kate, do you know why I came back from deployment? Do you know why I no longer call myself a SEAL and never will again?”
“Well…”
“I saw things over there, Kate, things I would give anything for if it meant I could go back and forget them. I saw good men hurt. Things that should never happen, I saw them happening every day all around me. My team and I did our best but I guess that isn’t always good enough. We failed. Because of our human weakness, because we were untrained and unskilled and afraid and just because of fucking bad luck, I don’t know, we failed, and the loss of life there wasn’t worth it Kate. Not even close. I made a pact with the men there that day. We lost too many men, and none of us wanted to go on. They were throwing money and accolades at the whole tem – or what was left of it. But none of that meant anything to us. We wanted out. All of us. We made our own deal: we would never again repeat our mistakes. No more killing. It’s hard to explain now that it’s all over, but we were brothers. We swore to one another – from that day on we’d find a way to redeem ourselves and what happened there. In our own way, we’d figure out how to make things right. To reset the balance. Do you think there’s a day that goes by where I don’t think of all the suffering I might have avoided causing in this world? But I can’t go back. Only forward. So every day I wake up and I swear that I’ll do better today. I left to start fresh, just like you. Except I didn’t have anyone to help me …paint my walls,” he said and gestured to the half blue, half white all around us.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t…” I suddenly realized how wrong it was of me to never have asked him about his days as a former SEAL. I always assumed I was the worse off one; the most messed up one, the real train wreck out of the pair of us. But now I could see that Max understood more of what I was going through than I had given him credit for.
“I… don’t know what to say.” He was contemplating the floor.
“I like you, Kate,” he said at last.
“Max, I like you too.”
He sighed loudly.
“It’s not your fault that that girl passed away.”
I swallowed hard and tried to believe that that was true. Just when I thought I would go crazy if he didn’t touch me soon, he reached out and folded me into a big, warm bear hug against his chest. I held him tight and he held me back and we stood there in silence for a moment.
“Come on, let’s finish this up,” he said and pecked me on the forehead. He grabbed a paintbrush and handed it to me.
“Write something on the wall, anything you want,” he said.
“On the wall?”
“Yeah. Say whatever you need to. Nobody except me will know.” He offered me the brush again. I took it from him and smiled. I thought for a moment, dipped the wet end of the brush into the paint and then approached the wall. Standing up on my tiptoes I guided the brush through a series of giant swoops and lines. I reached up as tall as I could, and as far out on either side as possible, and I soon heard him chuckling behind me as it became clear what my giant letters were spelling out.
I finished the final “K” with a great flourish and a bend in the knees, then flicked the paintbrush down in a line and made an exclamation mark, the dot of which I finished off with a big unceremonious sploodge of the brush. He was laughing loudly now. I took a step back to admire my artwork and then read out the three giant words in front of me:
“Fuck You Derek!” I said, and then repeated it louder for good measure.
“Yeah! Exactly!” he yelled after me. “Fuck You Derek!”
I squealed with laughter as his voice echoed against the bare walls of the room.
“Shhh! Everyone in this complex is probably napping!” I giggled, but he soon had his wide chest expanded, threw his head back and indicated for me to join him. Giggling, I took a deep breath and we screamed at the top of our lungs, Fuck You Derek, before breaking into giggles. People in a five-block radius must have heard us easily, but I didn’t care. Fuck Derek, sincerely. I can’t remember ever screaming that loud but damn, it felt good to get it all out.
He nodded his head and looked pleased, then took both paintbrushes in his hands again.
“Now let’s cover it up and make this room nice and pretty, what do you think?”
I beamed at him, snatched the brush and got to work.
“But Kate, if you’re going to insist on showing off like that in your little shirt, I’m going to have to ask for a kiss before we begin,” he said, and pressed himself up against me. In a heartbeat his lips were against mine, and he was pressing a warm, growing bulge in his trousers firmly against me.
I dropped my paintbrush.
Chapter 15 - Max
“I don’t understand, buddy. One minute I was worried you’d be joining a monastery or something and the next you’re talking about getting engaged?”
“Shh… OK, I never said anything about getting engaged, jeez. Just because I’m thinking about settling down some time doesn’t mean I’m talking engagement.”
Hugo whistled low under his breath. “Man, you don’t fuck around, huh? When I said you needed to catch some tail, you know I didn’t mean you should get a goddam wife,” he said and flicked me with the end of his towel.
I was two sets of inclined-press to go before I was done with my workout today. I relaxed back onto the bench, covered my eyes with my upper arms and tried to catch my breath.
“Hugo, look at this place though.”
“Yeah, I can see. Who knew there were so many chicks in t
he market for self-defense skills,” he said and peered around the gym, now so much fuller than it had been when it was just a rundown whole in the wall with bare lightbulbs hanging from the ceiling.
“Well, believe it, I bet half of them are your exes, Hugo…”
“Haha, very funny.”
“Half this town’s female population would love to get you in a choke-hold, and that’s the truth.”
“Fair comment,” said Hugo and took a swig of his water bottle.
“But see how things have turned around here? That’s her doing.”
“Don’t sell yourself short, bro.”
“Well, that’s just it. I worked hard too, but… I guess that’s what’s so awesome about it. We make a good team, you know?”
“So, when do I get to meet her?”
“I don’t know. I’ll bring her round to mom and dad’s one day soon for dinner.”
“Cool.”
“You’ll like her, Hugo. She’s smart.”
“Hey, nobody said I like smart women.”
“She’s adorable. She’s like five foot nothing, but I swear to god she’s tough. And kind. And really smart – she just sees things that I would never have noticed, and man, when you see her talk to folks around the gym, she just has this natural charisma…”
Hugo was laughing.
“What?”
“Nah, nothing, don’t mind me. Just wondering who the fuck you are and what you did with my brother.”
I tucked myself behind the bar, settled my scapula and quickly pushed through my last two sets with no break between. When the bar clinked back into the rack I looked down to see a dagger shaped sweat mark all down the front of my shirt.
“She gets me, Hugo. It’s a big deal for me.”
Hugo shooed me off the bench and settled in to do his own reps while he gave me a quizzical expression.
“Well, that’s awesome, and you have my blessing. I might rag on you for a while more, though, just a warning.”
“Permission granted,” I said and ran my towel along the back of my neck. The gym was brightly lit, bustling and busy. There’s nothing like being tired from good, hard work. And there’s no feeling quite so amazing as looking at the results of your efforts and feeling proud of what you’ve created. Hugo was deep into his first set, his neck tendons straining and his face flushing red. I crouched down beside him and tried to catch my own breath. When he was done he flung the bar onto the hooks with a clang, wiped his forehead on his sleeve and gave me a serious look. Hugo is almost never serious about anything.
“Bro, be honest with me for a second. I know when we were out there, you told me some things, you said you wanted to keep things simple when we got home, and I understood that. And I know that women are… not simple. Now I’m not saying I don’t trust your judgment. I trust it more than anyone else I know. But I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t remind you, you know…”
“Of our pact,” I said, completing the sentence for him.
He said nothing but nodded slowly.
“Our pact. I know I’m like, the clown of our team, Max, and God knows I’m not exactly one to talk about committed relationships… but, take care of yourself, OK?”
I nodded and we sat in silence for a moment.
“She’s different, Hugo. She understands. I can’t explain it. I know what I told you back then, and I did mean it… then. I’m not like you, I can’t waltz into a room and charm the panties off any girl I choose. But this woman? She’s something else man. She makes it all feel like it’s all worth something.”
Hugo set his jaw and lay back for his next set. He would never argue with me. He respected me, and I him, and we were long past the days of butting heads over anything.
“Then go for it, buddy. My advice, and I won’t say any more about it, is just to go a little slower, that’s all. If she’s so great, she’ll stick around. Besides, business is booming, you should have your eye on all this, because whatever you’re doing it’s working,” he said and gestured to the busy gym all around us.
“I take it Vinny’s also been talking to you about the other location?” I said. A new facility had become available uptown and the ex-owners of this place had strongly insinuated that if I wanted it for a second gym, they could put in a word for me. It would be a stretch for me, but I had no doubt there was enough interest for a series of classes.
“You should jump on it, Max.”
“What about one of the other guys though? Wouldn’t Dave or Noah be interested?”
“Dave’s on his own mission, and Noah’s gone AWOL for the moment.”
“Classic.”
“Yeah he’ll come around. But you should jump on it. Look how well this turned out. Is it money?”
“It’s time.”
“Yeah, and what with froggy a-courtin’ all day and night you don’t have much of that anymore, huh?” he said and gave me a playful side eye.
“Is this the ragging you were telling me about?” I said.
“Sure is. Hell, I’m just hoping this isn’t some new trend, brother. I’m good with the girls, you’re good with the money, remember? Now here I am giving you business advice and you’re two weeks away from getting fucking engaged.”
“Christ Hugo.”
“Ah, I’m just jealous. Is she hot? Be honest. Come on we made a pact,” he said and wriggled out from under the bar.
“Our pact never said anything about gossiping about my love life.”
“Come on, do it anyway,” he laughed. “Is she…?” here he traced the shape of some cartoon sized boobs in the air in front of him and lifted his eyebrows.
“She’s a goddess,” I said and playfully threatened to punch him.
“That good huh? Oh I understand…”
Yes, that good, and then some. I could have told him that fucking her was like a trip to heaven. That no amount of specialized physical training or fancy-ass combat drills could have prepared me for the shit she did to me in bed. That I was constantly amazed by her, and every single time she came in my arms it was like fifty Fourth of Julys all at once. I could have waxed lyrical about the way her hair smelt, or how it blew my fucking my mind just to think of that moment, that sweet, sweet moment where the slick little folds of her body parted and opened to the tip of my cock and I sunk into her one hard inch at a time, and being inside her was like dying and finding Valhalla after a long, hard fight.
“She’s… well, you’ll like her. You’ll meet her soon,” was all I said and found myself instantly daydreaming about our last encounter for the second time that day.
Hugo and I showered up and left the gym, but all the while I kept my secret memory of her playing in my mind, juicier and naughtier with each loop, rewinding and relishing the most delicious parts over and over. I loved that I had this secret. Well, a secret that she shared with me.
When I ran out of memories I switched over to daydreams for the future. Hugo was wrong; I wasn’t some fool about to leapt into a premature commitment. He knew better than anyone that that wasn’t my style. But isn’t that what a game changer was? Someone who came along and changed everything so completely that all the rules you thought you needed went right out the window? It was crazy, to be this into a woman after only a few short months. But I guess it made me crazy then. I was always the most cautious and risk averse in our team. I always held back, always encouraged strategy before action. I had the lowest kill count of our team but I was also the least prone to incident or communication failure. I knew the value of thinking one hundred times and acting once. But then again, the simple thought of the exact shade of pink of Kate’s puffy, generous breasts seemed to throw all of that right out the damn window, so what did I know?
On my way home I stopped at a florist and picked up some flowers. Nobody could object to me buying a temp employee a thank you gift, right? She had worked hard, she had put a pretty face on my business, quite literally, and I owed at least half of the success of the gym to her, if not more. As I drove home
I tried to imagine that it was a bigger gift. I tried to imagine what it would feel like to be going home with a bigger, more meaningful present for her. For a secret second, I even imagined it was a ring in my pocket.
I got home, threw my kit into the living room and shut the door again before dashing over to her front door. An elderly woman standing in the front doorway of the furthest house to the end of the communal garden watched me. I waved and she waved back. I rang Kate’s doorbell and prayed she was in. She had been feeling a little down lately, and I knew these flowers would cheer her up. Our work ‘trial’ together was coming to a close, and flowers would be the best way to broach the topic with her. I’d find something else for her to do, or we’d find her another job somewhere close in town. With the last of the summer, I’d help her with her garden and then…
I heard her coming to open the door. The second I saw her face, though, I knew something was wrong. I came inside and she took the flowers from me awkwardly.
“You shouldn’t have,” she said and seemed to mean it literally.
“Well, it’s just a little thank you thing, you know, for doing such an amazing job with the gym…”
She perched herself on the edge of the sofa and seemed to be having a hard time making eye contact.
“Max, we need to talk.”
Chapter 16 - Kate
Did he have to look so inappropriately hot?
It was something I hadn’t considered: how hard it was going to be to have a serious conversation with a man who came into my house looking like that. He was always his sexiest right after gym. That really was his element. He’d swing round to my house after gym all freshly showered and glowing and with that sense of calm he seemed to get on the other side of a grueling weight session. I never pictured myself having anything to do with a buff muscle guy like him, but I had to admit that somewhere along the line it all clicked for me and now I couldn’t imagine ever not appreciating a man who was in peak physical condition. Max was strong and could do anything. Except, apparently, turn off his charm for a few minutes while I said what I needed to say.