by Gabi Moore
“Yeah, all stuff that you caused.”
The look on her face was painful to see.
“I was scared, Zack.”
“So, what am I supposed to do about that? Leave then. Why are you even here?” My fists were so tight I felt my nails bite into my palms.
She sighed. “I see that not much has changed.”
“What do you want, Maddy?” I was more than bone tired.
“Maddy? Did you just call me Maddy?”
My skin prickled into a cold sweat.
“I think you should just go. Unless you had something specific you wanted to say, well, it’s late and I have to work tomorrow…”
“Who’s Maddy?” she asked, quick as a fox. She was almost smiling. I looked her square in the eye and sighed loudly.
“A woman I’m seeing.”
A wonderful woman, my inner dialogie continued. A woman who taught me things I didn’t even know I needed to learn. A sweet, beautiful, loving woman, one who’s very body seemed designed for every form of pleasure. A woman who made me want to weep with joy every time she looked my way and smiled. A woman who knew my dark, sordid history. Most of it anyway. And a woman who was drifting away, even now, even at this very second as ma was making dinner for the second time that evening, and my sordid past had rung the doorbell and waltzed into my living room in black stilettos, like nothing had ever happened.
“A woman. Is it serious?” she asked. Like she had any right to know.
“Yes. I think so.”
She looked at me.
“Does she know about me?”
I knew how her mind worked. For Maggie, everything was about her, and she had endless energy for creating whatever drama she needed to if she happened to find that something had the audacity to not be about her.
“Yes,” I said simply.
I knew that for Maggie, words were weapons, and she loved to take yours from you and turn them right back against you. So I gave her just one.
She took a step back and slowly paced around the room, picking up ma’s little ornaments and knick-knacks in her hand, one at a time, examining each one like she was deciding whether to smash it onto the ground or not. She seemed unimpressed with everything.
“And does she know about your …little issue?” she asked, with slow, quiet deliberation, almost sneering the words.
“That has nothing to do with anything. There is no issue. You know I was getting help for that, even before I went in.”
She shot me a poisonous look.
“So you haven’t told her then,” she said, and smiled darkly.
“There’s nothing to tell.”
“Poor girl.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
She paced around the room a little more, like a panther in its cage, like she was gathering up strength to say the most biting thing she possibly could. There was a time when Maggie was young and sweet. When her black hair had a playful blue glint to it. Not anymore though. Life had done weird things to her. She picked up a tiny crystal frog in her hands and turning it over and over.
“I think you’d better go now, Maggie,” I said, and took a step towards her. The second I did, she jolted away from me. Both her hands instantly flew up as though to defend herself, a little black deer in headlights. She seemed genuinely alarmed. Was I such a monster? Was I so bad that people needed to be jittery around me? She gave a nervous smile and placed a hand on her chest to calm down, as though someone had just jumped out at her from behind a door.
“I’m sorry,” she said, suddenly more serious. “You’re not the only one with flashbacks, you know.”
She squirmed a little under my gaze. I felt like shit. It had taken all of five minutes of seeing her again and the old familiar feeling had come rushing right back: around Maggie, I was always the villain. Always the unwanted brute. Able to make her wince and cower just by moving too quickly.
I wrestled internally for a moment, wondering whether reaching out and hugging her would be soothing or just another insult for her to shrink back from. For a moment, her hair had that glossy blue tint in it again.
“Maggie …I’m sorry. What the hell happened to us? How did it get this bad?”
Like some kind of dangerous creature wriggling off a fly, she shrugged and looked up at me, eyes hardening up again. Here she was, my past, in the shape of a thin, angry woman. You may be able to run away from the past for a while, sure, but those things carry on living just the same without you. While I had my back turned, Maggie had become a strange caricature of herself.
The words that came out of her mouth next were kind and sweet, but said with a hidden venom. She made me remember how everything with her had always been just a little threatening, a little strange. She was the wasp hiding inside a flower. She painted her long nails red and smiled, but I was never sure what that smile meant.
“I don’t know what happened to us. Too much.”
“I’m sorry, Maggie, for everything.”
“I’m sorry too.”
“Have you been coping OK? With work and stuff? How’s everyone? I heard you moved.”
She smiled wistfully and tilted her head.
“I’m fine. Life goes on. Whatever. I just …I thought of you a lot, when you were away. I had a lot of time to think.”
“Me too.”
She lifted big, liquid eyes up at me.
“I’ve missed you, Zack.”
My jaw tightened. I reached out and hugged her after all. She didn’t resist. So I held her close a little and hugged her, and she let me.
“I missed you too, Maggie.”
Her body felt small and nervous in my arms. She leant into me a little, pressing her cheek against my chest. Despite myself, despite everything in me railing against it, despite everything that had happened and despite two whole years I had spent trying to wash her little black tendrils from out of my mind, despite all that, I felt my body responding to her. I tried to push her away again but she held on to me. Her body against mine reminded me of things. Of the things I knew she kept underneath all that black clothing. Of how things used to be between us.
“Do you remember how angry you used to be…?” she whispered, and before I knew it her hand was pressing urgently against my crotch. I shuddered and closed my eyes. Of course I remembered.
“How could I forget?” I said, and her hand was like a spell on me, conjuring up a past that I had tried so hard to forget, but which my body somehow remembered. I became so hard it nearly hurt. She rose up to her toes and whispered seductively into my ear.
“You know what I missed the most, Zack? Missed more than anything?”
I was more than a hundred pounds heavier than her and taller by a foot, but pulling away from her grasp at that moment seemed liked the hardest thing in the world.
“Do you know what I miss, Zack? I miss how cruel you were,” she continued. I twitched in her hands, trapped, unable to decide if I even wanted her to stop.
“Do you remember how hard you used to fuck me? You used to call it your ‘haze’, do you remember? I remember,” she whispered.
I groaned and pushed her away, shaking my head.
“Maggie, no. I can’t.”
She drew back and looked me over.
“What? That other woman?”
“I care about her. She’s special. She’s a good woman. I want to do the right thing this time,” I said, almost pleading.
She giggled.
“The right thing? Zack, the right thing for you is to stay away from any ‘good woman’. You’re a menace,” she said darkly.
“I’m different now.”
She looked down at my crotch and smirked at me.
“Really? You seem just the same to me.” She leaned in for another kiss, but I twisted my head away from her.
“I mean it, Maggie. I’m trying to be better.”
She cocked her head to the other side, undeterred.
“I understand you, Zack. We understand each other.
There is no better for someone like you. But I don’t care how fucked up you are. We could try again…”
“I think you’d just better go,” I said, and squared my shoulders. I thought of Maddie. Of her mousy hair and fleshy hips. “That’s all in the past now.”
She frowned and shrugged, her mouth twisted.
“Suit yourself,” she said breezily. “When you break this other chick’s heart and she gets a restraining order against you or whatever, get in touch with me if you like. I can’t guarantee that I’ll be waiting around for you though.”
When she opened the door to leave, a big gust of cold wind blew into the house and lingered, even after she slammed the door again. I stared at the space where she had been standing. The frog had been put back down on the table in the wrong place, carelessly.
“Zack?”
I turned to see ma in the kitchen doorway, her old apron tied on and her brows knitted.
“Zack. We’ve already had dinner haven’t we?” she said, looking miserable. I nodded and she came up to me, and I folded my arms around her and pulled her frail body close.
“I’m scared, Zack. It’s happening so often now.”
I squeezed her and kissed her head. It smelt like powder and paper and sadness.
“I know, ma. I’m here. Don’t worry about it. I’m here.”
“Did I hear voices? Was somebody in here with you?” she said, and lifted questioning eyes to me.
“Yeah …it was uh …it was Maggie.”
She started and pulled away from my arms.
“Maggie?”
Her face was twisted in confusion.
“Unless we’re both having a senior moment, ma, Maggie came round. We chatted for a bit. I told her to get lost.”
Ma stepped forward and patted my arm knowingly.
“You don’t let that witch come inside here again. She’s done enough damage already.”
I hugged her again.
“I know what you need!” she said, clapping her hands together with glee.
“What’s that?”
“My famous spaghetti bolognaise. It’s so late and we both haven’t had any dinner yet, that’s the problem,” she said, and made for the kitchen.
I tried again to swallow down the lump in my throat, but it wouldn’t go. Maggie was a bitch. I hated everything she was and everything she reminded me of. But there was one small irritating detail: she was right. About everything.
“Sure, ma. Your spaghetti’s the best.”
Chapter 19 - Madeleine
I smiled at the piece of paper, read the word written on it once over again, and folded it half a few times.
Alex.
I held the ball of paper in my fingertips, dipped it over the flame and watched as the fire licked the end and was soon burning it up. First the “A” disappeared, then the “L”, and I smiled when only “EX” was left. And then that, too, burnt away, and his name turned to cinders in my hands, and those blew away and disappeared as well.
I took a deep breath.
Today would be a good day.
I had already discussed it all with my therapist. I was allowed to want things. To trust myself again. To open up to Zack and be vulnerable with him, even though it was the scariest thing in the world for me. Even though he had a dark past. Even though he had done to others the one thing I swore I would never let anyone do to me again.
He was going to be here any minute, and so I dashed around the house quickly, kicking cat toys under the sofa, plumping the pillows and arranging and rearranging the candles neatly. It wasn’t the fanciest house you’ve ever seen in your life. But at the least it could be comfortable.
Being so proactive was a new thing for me. And the prospect was exciting. Me, Maddy Bright with her love handles and unfashionable hair and abandonment issue; little old me, warts and all, finally, once and for all, in a real, genuine relationship. Not the hostage situation I had going on with Alex. Not a pact with a broken boy I would nurse to health like I did one of my rescues. But a healthy, grown up and mature relationship. Why not? If Alex could move on and improve in life, so could I.
I heard his footsteps crunching on the gravel outside and raced to the mirror to check my reflection. He’d kiss all this lipstick off anyway, but I liked that I put it on all the same.
“Zack is that you?” I called out. When he appeared in the doorway I bounced over to him for a big hug, then planted my lips onto his and kissed him deeply. He laughed, then pulled back to get a good look at my outfit.
“Whoa, will you just look at you! You expecting anyone?” he said, with that deliciously naughty twinkle in his eye. I swatted his arm and pulled him inside.
“As a matter of fact, I am, silly. His name is Zack Hunter and he thinks he’s funny. You wouldn’t have seen him around by any chance, would you?” I said and beamed at him. Even I was surprised by how happy I was to see him.
He gave the two dogs lazing on the carpet an affectionate belly rub each and then stood to smile back at me.
“Zack you say, huh? Yeah I might have heard about that guy …he’s a shady one, I’d be careful,” he said, and then reached out and pulled me back into his arms for another kiss.
I loved how easy it was for us. How right it all felt. Why had I ever resisted him? Who cared if he had some trouble in the past with an ex? Didn’t we all? But that was the past. We were here in the present now, so what did any of that matter?
“Come and sit down. I have so much I wanted to tell you.”
He looked a little nervous as I sat beside him and cleared my throat. I made a mental note to get a better sofa. If I were going to be a mature, healthy, put-together adult, I’d have to start by getting some more sophisticated furniture, for one.
“I broke up with Alex. Properly this time.”
He looked at me blankly.
“I know, I’ve been broken up with him for ages, but this time everything’s really well and truly over. That cord is cut,” I said, and mimed a string that I snipped in half with two fingers.
He smiled and placed a firm hand on my knee and squeezed.
“That’s great, Maddy. I’m glad to hear that. It sounds like you guys had a really …unhealthy thing going on. I’m glad you’re not going to take his shit anymore.”
“Oh, but that’s the thing, that’s what different this time. I think I actually understand all his shit now. I think I can forgive him. We talked it all out, and you know, I can’t describe it, but I feel like I can move on from this now you know?”
I was expecting him to be a little more excited. I guess you can’t expect people to throw a party the fortieth time you’ve broken up with the same guy. But still.
“I just …I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. About him, about you. That’s why I wanted to talk to you today” I said. I didn’t like that my words seemed to make him frown. I went on.
“I’m sorry about the other day Zack. How …weird things were between us. I just needed to get my head clear about some things. I was just… I was scared.”
His face dropped. His pale eyes were flat but infinitely deep somehow. Like the sky. Like anything could be going on in there. He said nothing. This wasn’t quite how I had planned things. Like an idiot, and totally not like a mature, sophisticated woman who had her shit together, I carried on talking.
“So I guess what I needed to tell you is that I’m over all that now. New leaf and everything you know? I had such an interesting conversation with Alex, and I think I had some real insights into things, and into, you know, the whole situation, and that’s why I wanted to talk to you, because my therapist says I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for the things I want, and what I really want is to be honest with you, and I feel like we’ve gotten on so well till now and so…”
“Maddy, we should stop seeing each other.”
His voice was like a kick to my guts.
“What? But why?”
He was perched against our same old sofa, the unassuming place where thi
s all had started, and now he was telling me he wanted to end it. He couldn’t make eye contact.
“Zack, why? I don’t understand.” My sophisticated woman act was hanging on by a thread.
“Because I’m not good for you. You said so yourself, you’re scared of me,” he said, staring so hard at the floor I thought he’d burn holes into it.
“But …but…”
“It’s true though, isn’t it? And you should be scared. I’m fucking scary. I could hurt you. Maybe people like you and me never change. Maybe you keep going after guys who hurt you and I keep going after women who let me hurt them, and maybe that’ll never change.”
My ears stung. I didn’t know what to do with my hands. The makeup on my face suddenly seemed so embarrassing. So stupid and weak. I took a deep breath and tried to think. This was fixable. It had to be. He didn’t mean it. He didn’t want to break up, surely.
“You’re wrong, Zack. People can change. So you hit your ex once, so what, big deal. People hurt people in this world, but it’s OK to move on from that. You can’t beat yourself up about that forever.”
He sat still but I could tell his muscles were working and tightening under his tanned skin. I could almost make out the wires in his strong neck slowly ratcheting up. All at once I heard Alex’s voice in my head: the harder the guy on the outside, the softer on the inside. I wasn’t scared anymore. The air thrummed while I waited for him to say something, anything.
“There’s other stuff, Maddy. Stuff you don’t know about.”
“Like what?”
“What I did in Iraq. What we all did.” He still couldn’t bring his eyes up to meet mine. I smiled and took a step to him.
“God, Zack, I don’t care about that. You needed to do what you needed to do. Nobody blames you for that. It’s not your fault, I mean come on, it doesn’t mean we have to break up…”
“I did bad things, Maddy.” He was wringing his hands, left over right over left again, as though he was trying to wash away something stubborn, something that wouldn’t come off. I took another step towards him.
“That’s all in the past now,” I said softly.
“No. It isn’t. I see their faces every night in my dreams,” he said, voice choking.