by Gabi Moore
I rubbed my temple with my fingers and decided on my morning ahead: I’d find the guys, if any of them were awake, and head over for some breakfast and as many cups of fresh black coffee as I could get my hands on. Then I’d swim the rest of the day. That’s it. They had dunked us into enough icy, salty water during our prep phase, and I had swum enough lengths now that I would be content with a little doggy paddle and a nap on a lilo, and I’d fight anyone who had something to say about it.
I locked up my room and went out for a walk. There couldn’t have been a more perfect day. The air was so clear and blue it almost sparkled and the sun, even though it was still creeping up slowly in the sky, was already bright hot, its rays not hindered by a single cloud. The ship was a beauty, and most people were up and busy, settling beside the pool or taking a swim. I didn’t want Charlie to be mad at me. I got it, really I did. I knew why she had to be tough and all that. What I didn’t understand was why she was trying at all.
I would never have admitted it to anyone, but for me the Navy was …the last resort. It was my safety net. I knew It was nothing to cry about, but I enlisted months ago because I just didn’t know what else to do. I was tired of thinking. Tired of making decisions. Navy training is hard, no doubt about it. But not as hard as the alternative. I can carry shit and run and fight on barely any food and even less sleep. Frankly, it’s all the other shit that stumps me. The navy was tough, but it was structured. When you were done carrying one load, they always had the next load lined up for you. In any case, Charlie didn’t have to do any of that. Charlie was a woman. She was smart, and she had other options.
I walked all the way from my room, up a few flights and then onto the uppermost deck so I could get a better view of things. It might have been done up in chrome and gleaming white, but under all that this was a sophisticated ship. I hung over the bars and hoped the sea breeze would wash away my hangover. It was nothing but blue all above and blue all around.
Then I saw her. Sunbathing next to the pool, blue bikini top above, and blue bikini bottom below. It was perfect.
Instantly forgetting my day’s plan and my pounding headache, I walked over to her deck chair and looked down at her, my man-shaped shadow covering her woman-shaped body and causing her to open her eyes and glance up at me. She lifted her sunglasses off her nose and, easy as you please, gave me a bright, sunny smile almost from ear to ear.
“Why, hello,” she said.
Fuck. She was hotter than I remembered. I nodded and smiled.
“Catching some sun?” I asked, and pulled up a chair to sit beside her.
She pulled her glasses down again.
“Yup. It’s what I’m here for! Good night last night?”
Right on cue we both exchanged glances and then started laughing. It was strange how easy it was to laugh with her.
“Sorry, sorry, I won’t be such a pain in the ass about it,” she said, and lifted her glasses again to give me some side eye.
“Haha, very funny. If I wasn’t so hung-over I’d have a witty comeback for you, I swear.”
“And I’m sure I would have been very impressed with it,” she said without skipping a beat.
I did my best to look at her without looking. After weeks of prep training and slumming it with the gang, her body seemed almost alien to me.
So soft.
She had full, round breasts and a soft little circle of fat ringing her deep belly button. Her skin was milky white, its texture reminding me almost exactly of the smooth inside curves of a teacup. Last night she had seemed pretty. Kind of sweet. But now, in her bikini, it was kind of hard to ignore how distractingly feminine she was. She wasn’t overweight, not by a long shot. In fact, in the bright morning sun I could see just how small she really was, how narrow her wrists were and how delicate the little notches in her collarbone. I tore my eyes away and fixed them ahead on the flat, sapphire blue ocean in front of us. I just had to remind myself that not every human female had a drum tight belly and a biceps from doing pull-ups with a two-hundred-pound marine clinging to their feet.
“Ok, so here’s the plan. This evening there’s a thing, like a fancy dress thing, and we’re going to go and--”
“Wait, a thing?”
“Yeah, a thing.”
“I’m sorry and which body part will they be disfiguring this time round?” she said and smiled sideways at me.
Had I really let this beautiful woman meet that hoard of thugs I called my troupe? Last night, her hair had seemed almost silvery. She had seemed sad, it was dark, and she sincerely looked a little …grey. But now I could see it perfectly: she just had the weirdest shade of blonde hair. She was probably my age.
“It’s not with the crew, don’t worry.”
“No?”
“No. This will just be you and I. No body parts mutilated. Unless you’re into that kind of thing.”
It was bold, I know. But success! She was laughing again, and then I was laughing. My head barely hurt at all anymore. Man, if I could just sit and laugh with this girl all day I’d call this whole trip an achievement.
“I, um …that’s really sweet, but I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she said, her smile dimming.
“A good idea? Of course it’s a good idea. I still owe you a cigarette anyway, remember? And maybe I’ll even let you talk me into showing you my new body art.”
She squirmed in her seat a little, laying her book down to cover her middle.
“Really, I can’t,” she said, taking her glasses off. Her eyes were like no-color. Just like a green that almost wasn’t. It made me sad. Or maybe I was just sad because she seemed to be turning me down.
“It’s my horrible butt again, isn’t it?” I said, trying to funny, but this time her laugh was a little strained.
“Actually, I’m here with my …boyfriend,” she said, and watched my face to see my reaction.
Fuck. There’s always a fucking boyfriend.
“Well, unless fancy dress parties are against his religion or something, bring him along!” I said. But she was still shaking her head.
“Not against his religion, no, but I don’t think he’d be interested.”
“Why not?” I tried to push the creeping sense of disappointment out of mind.
“Well …he’s a bit of a serious guy, and we’re both just here to …you know, relax.”
I nodded.
“No I get it. I get it. Not everyone can handle the rigors of a full-scale fancy dress party.”
She smiled warmly but her eyes looked sad again.
“I’m sorry. You actually seem really cool though…”
Immediately I was struck with the wild thought of what would happen if I just reached over right now, and just touched her. Just leaned forward, touched my lips to hers and then waited.
“Eh, you’re not too bad yourself.” My headache was back. I lay back down in my deck chair and reformulated my morning plan. “So, uh, where is your boyfriend anyway?”
“Sleeping, I think.”
“Rough night, huh?”
“I wish. He actually went to bed early. But I guess he’s been tired for a long time. He’s a lawyer, you know, and they work such long hours, so I don’t blame him…”
“A lawyer?”
“Yeah, it’s really tough for him.”
“Huh. And what do you do?”
She twisted around on her chair and faced me. I almost couldn’t keep my eyes off the way her breasts and the softness around her belly softly dipped as she did this.
“Can we not talk about all that lame stuff? I’m on vacation,” she said with a naughty smile.
I laughed.
“Yeah, you’re… you’re right. I always hate it when people ask that kind of thing, too.”
“Yeah, let’s just talk about something else. Something real.”
“Something real?”
“Yeah …I don’t know,” she said and stretched her legs out long like a cat and narrowed her eyes to the sun. “Like, don�
�t you like how whenever you meet a new person, it’s like you’re meeting a new version of yourself? Like you see yourself how they see you, and it’s as if you get a whole new personality. You can start again, you know? Ok, you probably think I’m just a crazy person.”
“No, no, I understand exactly what you mean. Start again. I get it.”
“You can try out being someone else, you know?”
I watched as families and couples walked the deck, a brigade of blow-up plastic and stripy towels and see-through sarongs. Tiny white caps of waves flitted far away on the sea, but too far away for anyone to care. The day was still as perfect as it started, and the breeze felt so silky against my skin. Why did she have to ruin everything by having a damn boyfriend?
“So …maybe then you could pretend, just for now, that you don’t have a boyfriend?” I said quietly. It was more than bold. It was insane. She’d walk off now for sure, or slap me or give me a scowl and call me scum. But she didn’t. She lay motionless on the deck chair, her eyes soft and unfocused.
“To be honest, that might happen soon anyway. This trip was meant to be …I don’t know, a second chance for us. But I don’t know anymore.”
There was a full, easy silence for a moment.
“Hey, Ellie? It would be really cool if you joined me this evening. Jokes aside. And you can bring your guy as well if you like, or, you know …not.”
She smiled. It was a polite, nervous smile. But I could see through it. Her gaze lingered just a little too long on mine. Our eyes held contact for just a few split seconds more than necessary.
And in that time I saw everything I needed to. I saw the briefest glimpse of something deeply, madly hungry in her. It was unmistakable. She wanted it, no doubt in my mind. She was there with him, but she wasn’t really with him. No woman looks at a man like that, no matter how briefly, if she’s truly satisfied.
Or at least that’s what my hung-over brain thought it saw. I stood, cracked my neck and took a deep breath of sea air.
“Nice bumping into you… again,” I said.
She had her hand shielding her eyes as she stared back up at me.
“And you,” she said.
I turned to leave, suddenly wondering what on earth I had planned to do before seducing her rushed to the top of my priority list.
I wandered my way to a lower deck and found a few boys, had some coffee and laughed about the misadventures of the night before. But deep down I was already certain that I would see her again, and that the next time I did, we would do much, much more than just talk.
Chapter 4 - Charlie
It was the second night of fourteen. I still had time, but not that much time. Once we got to California, the training would take front and center and then who knows when I’d next have real alone time with him.
I paced my room. I hated being alone like this. Hated having nothing to do, no schedule, zip. I peeked out the window and watched. The boat was so big it felt like the water was moving, not us. It soothed me for a second but I was soon back to pacing again.
I took a deep breath.
I was an attractive, competent young woman who could achieve anything she put her mind to. I was smart. I was good looking. I was fit as hell, and strong. And Todd, irritating fucker that he was, was actually right about something: I did treat love like it was some kind of competitive game. This is how it always goes in the movies though, right? The too-tough bitchy girl learns to get in touch with her cheesy feminine side and the main character guy realizes she had been a babe all along. Right? Right.
I sat down on the dressing table chair and examined my reflection. I looked a little less severe without the braids, but it wasn’t enough. I had to look vulnerable. I sighed and rummaged in my toiletry bag. Time for my war paint.
“Come on, Charlie,” I muttered under my breath. “You’re a warrior, you’re a badass. If you can turn over tractor tires, you can sure as hell put on a bit of lipstick.”
I pulled it out and looked at it. After a series of embarrassing failures in real life makeup shops, I had decided instead to buy this …thing online. ‘Maybelline Glow Shine Maxxx in Sparkling Pink Nougat’ my Amazon receipt had read. Ugh.
I clenched my jaw, unwrapped it and wound it up till a faint pink nub poked out at the end. I tried applying some to my pouted lips and, to my surprise, it didn’t look all that bad. I closed it, kissed my lips together a few times and examined my reflection again. Sure, I wasn’t a runway model or anything, but that was definitely a step in the right direction. Right?
In a heartbeat I was furiously rubbing my lips again, smearing the glitzy pink wax off onto the back of my hand. I looked at my reflection again. Ugh. I was a fucking monster. Big old beak nose. Small shitty eyes. Crooked teeth. No boobs. I was ugly as hell. Just what did I think I was going to achieve with this dumb shit anyway?
With all the fury I could muster I hurled the lipstick into the trash can and leant forward to smear the rest of the lipstick off on the fabric of my black jeans. I didn’t want to, I honestly didn’t, but all at once I started to cry. It happens sometimes, and I have no idea where the tears come from. But I smeared these away too, sniffed loudly and tried to pull myself together again. It was just too easy. Too obvious. The only remaining female trainee was crying alone in her room like a little baby? No. That sure as hell wasn’t going to be me.
I hesitated a moment, got to my knees and started rummaging around under the bed instead. Once my fingertips touched that familiar package, I pulled it out: a small cellophane bag with two non-descript pills inside. I didn’t want it to come to this. I had stewed over it for days, ever since that guy in the bar had offered them to me. But desperate times, desperate measures and so on. I needed more than pretty pink lipstick if I was going to get what I wanted.
People are more willing to grant others a little weakness after they’ve already achieved something. Once I made it through the training in one piece, I could slow down a little, I could stop, maybe think about things.
But not yet.
My eyes scanned the room. I found a pair of spoons in the kitchenette drawer, and proceeded to crush one of the pills between them, placing the powder back in the cellophane bag and hiding the other pill back under the bed. I put the cellophane baggie in my pocket.
I took a final stock of my image in the mirror. Screw the heels I’d brought along. Screw the dress. And most especially screw the damn lipstick. I was wearing a simple green tank top, tight jeans and flats, and I looked good. I was a strong, capable, confident woman, just as I was. I didn’t need any of that other shit.
I peeked out of the window and noticed something that gave me pause – the weather outside looked suddenly insane. I hadn’t noticed it change. I pressed my nose up to the round glass and watched what looked like a swirled oil painting done in blue and black and sickly green. The water was opaque and peaking up in irregular, chaotic looking waves that didn’t break but only seemed to swell bigger and bigger. The sky was mottled with heavy clouds choking out any last rays of the sunset. I didn’t know much about ocean weather patterns, but it didn’t look normal to me. Nevermind. It would be a good excuse to not have to get into my damn bikini.
I took a deep breath and left the room – the party would have already started. And I needed to find Todd.
***
“You’re looking dapper this evening,” I said when I finally found him.
“Why thank you! I can clean up nice, you know,” he said and did a little twirl. He looked amazing. He smelled good, too.
“Can I get you a drink?” I offered. He held up his hands to signal no.
Ok. Fine. Just play it cool. I had all night, no need to rush.
“I’m still putting my liver back together after last night, thank you very much.”
He was super friendly, but he seemed distracted somehow. Maybe the heels would have been a good idea after all.
“I hear things got a little out of hand last night,” I said.
“Y
eah, you could say that. Why do you never join us though? We missed you there. You’re part of our team, Charlie.”
I shrugged.
“And get up to the nonsense that you clowns get up to? No thanks,” I said and laughed.
“So you heard about the …the branding thing, huh?”
“Yeah, I had breakfast with Adam this morning and he told me. I think he just needs to call his mom and think about his life choices for a while.”
We both laughed.
“Are you sure you don’t want a drink? Come on,” I said.
“OK. Yeah, why not, I’ll get something.”
“What do you want?”
“I don’t know. Surprise me,” he said, his eyes still glued to the door like he was waiting for someone. Oh, I’d surprise him all right.
I nodded and went off to the bar to order two beers, asking specifically that they be kept in their dark glass bottles. The bartender didn’t seem to mind this request. Then, when the coast looked clear, I huddled myself into a corner, quickly slipped the cellophane baggie from my pocket and sprinkled its contents into one of the beers, swirling quickly to dissolve it and wash away the white powder streaks inside.
“Charlie! Hey, there you are!”
I spun around to see Todd behind me. With somebody else. A woman.
“This is Ellie. Ellie, Charlie, Charlie, Ellie,” he said and gestured between us.
“Nice to meet you,” she said sweetly. “Todd says you’re like, the meanest, toughest, baddest member of their team.”
I cringed inside. I already hated her, and not just because she was standing so close to him.
“Well, you have to be mean and tough to put up with this guy,” I said, and moved myself closer to him.
She smiled.
“Hey Ellie, you want a drink?” Todd said, turning to her.
“Sure, I could go for a beer.”
“Great! Here, why don’t you take this one, and I’ll quickly go and get myself another one while you chat here with Charlie…” he said and snatched the tainted bottle from my hand.