With a snap, I shoved everything down. I used to be good at pretending, being something I wasn’t, before I met Ryker. Now, playing a role was no longer as easy as it was once. It was exhausting bullshit. But his life, my sister’s, Sprig’s, Croygen’s, and most certainly mine were on the line.
I turned off my soul and became fighter Zoey. The one who would do what she needed to do to survive. I rolled my shoulders back and glanced over my shoulder at Rapava. “Let him see me.”
“No.” The doctor shook his head.
“He already knows I’m here.” I shrugged. “If you want my help, we do this my way. He’ll cooperate better if he sees me.”
Rapava stiffened. “Do not presume to give me orders. We do this my way.”
Shit.
“You already walk a thin line here. Being nice to a fae, even if you are playacting, could easily cause you to slide back.”
“You don’t think I can do it?”
“I want to think so…for you sister’s sake.”
My teeth ached the more I clamped down on them, but I gave Rapava a swift nod. “I will do it for both of you. I want you to be proud of me again.”
His eyes softened and a small smile twitched his mouth. “Fine. I will oblige this request. Are you ready?”
“Yes.”
No.
I turned back to the glass, Ryker stood in the same stance, his focus still on me.
Rapava flipped a switch, and the room burst with light.
Ryker sucked in air as his eyes took me in, tracing over my face and body. With me no longer hiding in the shadows, I felt even more vulnerable to his stare. I could feel it move over my skin like fingers. His gaze went over the bruises and cuts along my face, neck, stopping on my arms.
I took a step back and folded my arms around my chest, out of view.
Lexie. Remember Lexie.
“You saw me.” I lifted my chin, my voice void of emotion. It was only an instant, but a muscle twitched along his jaw before turning back to stone. “I really thought fae were smarter. You never detected I was playing you, deceiving you? The more I confessed, let you think you saw the real me, the easier it was. Both you and the stupid monkey. You should have stayed where you were…with your own kind.”
He shifted his footing, his gaze turning critical as he searched my face. I had to play this perfectly. I could see he knew something was wrong. If he knew about my sister, maybe he’d put two and two together. If anyone could see through to my core, it was Ryker.
“But your blood might be the exact thing to save my sister’s life.”
“Sister?” he balked.
“Yes, my sister is alive. DMG took her before the fire and brought her here.”
“Lexie is alive?”
Rapava cleared his throat so softly only I heard it. It was getting too personal for him.
I pressed my arms firmer into my chest. “Neither she nor I are your concern, Wanderer.” His back stiffened, his lips pinched together, his demeanor hardened toward me. Being this close to him was torture.
I can’t do this…
Rapava’s hand was off the speaker button.
“I’m sorry, sir, but seeing him has brought back a lot of painful memories.” I didn’t stop the tears building behind my eyes, hoping Rapava would believe they went along with my words. “I need a moment.”
“Of course. Come back when you are ready.” Rapava’s unvarying tone made it hard to decipher how he truly felt.
My need to leave pushed me to the exit before I even realized it. I felt both Ryker’s and Rapava’s eyes on me. I nodded to the switch, and Rapava pushed on the speaker. I glanced back at Ryker. “But I guess I should thank you for making me the perfect weapon against fae—a human with seer and fae powers. I will grow more powerful, and you will die.”
I walked toward the door, hearing Rapava’s footsteps move to Ryker. “Because of Zoey, we know much more. We can now create stronger humans, ones who can fight and destroy fae. The playing field is even. And the fact your powers cured her defect only helps our progress. Sadly, you came too late for the other seer.”
I halted, my hand on the door. This was the one thing I wanted to keep from Ryker—that I wasn’t dying. It made it all much more complicated. I didn’t need his guilt on me too.
I automatically looked back at him, trying to hide the anguish I felt. He stared at me, pain etched deep in his eyes. I couldn’t take one more minute; sobs shoved their way up my esophagus. I flung myself out the door, slamming it behind me.
“Already done?” Liam leaned against the opposite door. I nodded, not trusting my voice.
Liam walked me back in my room, the temptation growing with each step to rip off my shoe and pull up the heel of my boot. The moment the door to my room shut behind me, I fell against it and slid down, sobbing. My hands went to my boot and tore at the laces, my fingers trembling trying to free the knots.
“Ahhh!” I screamed, my hands inept against the coiled tie. I slammed my heel into the floor, kicking at it with my other foot, like a wild animal. A deep screech resounded up, my nails clawing at the leather, but the boot stayed steadfast around my ankle. I gave one last tug, feeling my energy leave. My shoulders sagged, a soft whimper puttered out.
I felt soft, damp fur curl on my chest, a hand stroking my cheek. My blurry gaze went to the red color matting his coat. His arms and body were covered with new marks and holes from testing. His skin blazed hot under his sticky fur. Everything outside of my best friend was forgotten. He became my only concern in that moment.
“Sprig…” I cradled him into my chest, the words I needed to express my heartache for him, for Ryker, choked off.
“It’s okay, Bhean.”
No, it wasn’t okay.
And everything was about to get worse. I had to become a monster. A DMG soldier.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
The ten-minute reprieve Rapava gave me before demanding my return didn’t give me much time to collect myself from my breakdown. I wasn’t sure if I was disappointed or relieved I didn’t get a chance to look inside my heel. Even if I had, most of me was afraid of what I would find—that it really was there. Ignorance had protected me. Once I knew the truth, the danger would escalate.
Ryker’s presence almost pushed me to the brink. But I had taken a breath, seizing a moment to think about my impulsive reaction to touch the stone. I normally wasn’t impetuous. I made decisions quickly, being a Collector and a fighter, you had to. But I was always strategic. Impulsive in my work, in my life, would have gotten me killed. Ryker crushed all logic, burrowing down on my impulse button.
I really wanted to place the stone in my hand and let it take over me. It would give me power to force this nightmare to go away—solve so many problems. Was the sacrifice worth it? I wanted to say “yes.” However, I could hear his deep voice, see his head shaking. “Absolutely not, Zoey! We will get through this.” Because if I chose the stone, everything could get far worse and my life would belong to the stone, and it was as dangerous as Rapava and Vadik. Its power might consume me, turn me evil and destroy me. Who was to say I wouldn’t end up worse than what I was fighting and be devoured with greed, power, and anger?
I never told Sprig what had happened or that Ryker was here. I couldn’t. The barrier I needed to erect pushed all emotion out. If I talked about it, the wall would crumble.
“What’s wrong, Bhean?” Sprig asked as I set him on the table. Liam’s knock on the other side told me it was time to go.
I softly touched his wounds, then shook my head. “Nothing.”
“No. Not nothing. You are acting really strange. And not a hungry or needing-sex strange.” He tilted his head, his face pale and chalky. Even his attempt at humor didn’t reach his eyes.
The smile stretching over my face was full of pain and sadness. I straightened my back and pivoted around. “I’m ready,” I said sternly to Liam when he opened the door. The trip back was a haze as I kept my focus on the back of Liam’s
head.
“You’re back. Good.” Rapava waved me into the outer room. A spasm in my chest fluttered at the sight of the inner room, but I quickly shut the gate to any emotion.
Ryker was strapped to a hospital bed, laid flat out on his back. His wrists and ankles were chained, which were probably made of goblin metal. He was bare chested, wearing only the issued gray pants given to the fae. His torso was covered with deep slash marks. A circular wound in his shoulder looked like a bullet entrance, and he had a gash in his side. The long raised scars traveling from his stomach around to his back looked the worst. Against my will, sickness crawled up, dipping my knees. I could feel my body wanting to curve over.
I can’t do this... I can’t do this.
“Zoey, you look pale. You are not backing out of our deal, are you?” Rapava watched me.
Morality switch. Off.
“No, sir.” I straightened, rolling my shoulders.
Ryker’s head fell to the side, and his lids blinked rapidly, as if he were trying not to fall asleep.
“I gave him a little dose. To keep him calm,” Rapava responded to Ryker’s movements. “I won’t lie and say this is not exciting for me,” Rapava said, his toe tapping excitedly against the tile. “This is such an incredible day. We have one of the most unique specimens in the fae world. He is how you got your powers. He’ll help us to discover how they cured you and how to obtain the knowledge of one of the most powerful objects earth or the Otherworld has ever known.”
Rapava actually grinned as he ran his palm down Ryker’s chest. I had never seen Rapava show much emotion. He was practically giddy with anticipation.
To torture the man I loved, I needed to control the rage consuming me.
“Let’s get started.” Rapava glanced over at me. It was like he saw the hesitation in my eyes and my soul. “I don’t think I need to remind you what is at stake.”
Lexie.
“No,” I replied. “What would you like me to do?”
He strolled to the door of the inner room and punched in another access code to the entrance. “While I am examining and testing this specimen, I would like you to find out anything you can about the stone and also anything he might know of possible fae attack, even Vadik’s plans.”
“Don’t you work with Vadik?”
Rapava clutched the door, his blue eyes narrowing. “I do not work with fae. We found self-serving opportunities at times, which helped the cause. A cause you once believed in. Lost your partner, too.” He pushed the handle down, popping the door open. “I was never foolish enough to think Vadik was not doing the same. You will learn. You keep your enemies close.”
No, sir, that’s a lesson I understand well.
Rapava led me into the room, my feet growing heavier with every step. It was hard enough with a plate of glass between us. Now there was nothing to protect me from my feelings.
Even over the smells of bleach and rubbing alcohol, my nose recognized his scent. It crawled up my nose, down my throat. It stopped at my heart, tapping at the door, trying to get in. The ache in my bones to run to him and crawl into his arms was almost impossible to ignore. But even without these obstructions, could I run into his arms? The oath I made him take remained. I had no clue how strong or controlling it was for Ryker.
I was about to see.
“Wanderer.” Rapava walked around to Ryker’s side, pulling on his latex gloves. The rubber snapped around his wrists. “I’ve been looking forward to this for a while.”
“Where is she?” Ryker ignored him, his head tilting to look around the room.
“Come, Zoey. I think your fae lover wants to be reunited.”
I steadied myself and took a step to the other side of Ryker.
His white eyes latched on to me. His nostrils flared, like he was taking in my scent as well. The intensity in the room swelled. Fire raged between us, a magic that produced a craving for him and shook my legs.
His pupils widened and then a thick haze brewed, clouding them. He grunted and metal clashed against the bars as he strained against the refrains, his hands reaching for me. He bellowed loudly, rattling the windows as he lurched again, the gurney skidding over the floor. I leaped back as he banged his head against the bed, trying to free himself.
“Whoa.” Rapava grabbed for a needle lying on a tray near the table. “Calm down.”
“Fuck you,” Ryker snarled at Rapava, but his gaze never left me. Determination was the only thing I saw in his eyes. I knew, with a sickening contraction of my stomach, he did not see me, but an object he needed to kill.
My heart thumped in my chest as he struggled and kicked at the restraints. He flailed with the primal need to free himself, like a wild animal.
Rapava shoved a needle into Ryker’s neck and he stopped thrashing. As he slowly stilled, he kept his eyes on me. In a blink, the fog in his eyes cleared, and he glanced around as if he didn’t know where he was.
“Human,” he muttered. This time when I saw his fingers reach for mine, it was not in hate but in longing.
My eyes flooded with tears. I blinked, looking away from his outstretched hand. I ignored him. It was one of the most painful things I ever had to do. That I was able to do it made me hate myself with an unfathomable force. I was almost ready to unchain him from the bed and happily let him take my life. It was something I could live with, except Rapava might take my death out on Lexie. Other lives were on my shoulders.
“I might have been wrong on my estimation of your relationship with this fae, Zoey. I apologize.” Rapava blew out a breath, placing the syringe back on the tray. “He only wants to kill you.”
I tried to still my shaking body.
Rapava selected another needle, this one meant to extract fluids. “With his high emotional response to you, you will have to double your efforts to get the information we need.”
Ryker’s arm twitched, his focus still on me. I couldn’t bring myself to fully look at him yet.
“I only gave him a little morphine. It should go through his system soon. Then you can begin.” Rapava turned to get a few items from another table.
I was close enough to feel the tips of Ryker’s fingers brush my hip. My teeth sawed into my lower lip in anguish. Again his hand grazed me. The struggle to look at him was out of my hands. My gaze instantly went to him. I tasted the copper and salt of blood on my lip as I bit down deeper.
He stared at me. It wasn’t with confusion, anger, or coated in blinding need to kill. To an outsider it might appear like nothing more than him watching me, but I could see past the wall he erected for everyone else. It was like he was telling me, Do what you have to do. Whatever it is, do it.
Rapava whipped back around, drawing my attention away from Ryker. He handed me a scalpel the size of a chef’s knife, the blade lined with serrated edges like shark’s teeth. He dosed Ryker with another shot.
“What was that?”
“Oh, it’s a little concoction I’ve designed here at the lab. It will push the morphine out of his blood system and enhance the sensation in his nerves.”
“What?”
“A tiny nick will feel like his flesh is being burned. The drug reacts to the metal of the blade; it sears the skin and makes it harder for fae healing powers to work properly. It seems he has been previously tortured. We’ll reopen those wounds. It will be more painful and easier to get information from him.”
Dizziness spun my head and clogged my throat.
At my slight hesitation, disappointment seemed to settle onto Rapava’s shoulders. He grabbed the intercom phone off the wall, mumbled something I couldn’t hear, and before he even hung up, the outer room door opened.
My limbs went ridged, torquing my body as I jerked with surprise. No.
Liam carried Lexie in the room and set her in a chair. Her dark eyes appeared distant but curious as she glanced around the room.
Oh god, no. Her presence made Rapava’s threat more real. Hurt Ryker or hurt Lexie.
Lexie slanted her head
, swinging her working legs back and forth on the chair. I could hear her humming to herself, appearing young and childlike. Innocent and sweet.
Drugged.
Rapava went silently back to Ryker, watching me through his lashes. “So…shall we began?”
I gave myself one more minute, glancing from Lexie back to Ryker. Then I dropped the blade…slicing Ryker’s chest.
A scream of anguish tore from his throat.
“Now tell me where the stone is.” As the words rolled icily over my tongue, the last of my humanity turned its back on me, leaving me completely alone.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
I went back to my room covered in blood.
“What the flaming goat’s nuts happened to you?” Sprig climbed out from his cage the moment the door closed behind me.
Normally I would want a shower, but I walked to my bed and sat on the edge. I was numb and detached, barely aware of the blood drying on my clothes and skin.
“Bhean?” Sprig jumped down on the bed, then scaled my leg.
I didn’t move or acknowledge him. I only stared straight ahead.
“Talk to me,” Sprig’s voice sounded quiet and soft.
I could not speak.
“Okay, tell me whose blood this is.” Sprig slid off as I stood.
“Ryker’s.”
“What? Ryker’s? Viking is here? Why is his blood all over you? What happened?” His questions kept coming, but I tuned him out.
I stood, walking to the corner of the room and slid down, turning my face away from the room. I wrapped my arms around my legs and stared vacantly. I went to a faraway place where no one or nothing could touch me—not even emotions.
I sensed Sprig making a fuss for a while, but he went silent when the lights clicked off. DMG was putting us to bed.
Sprig always brought me comfort, but he wouldn’t be able to comprehend what I had done to Ryker. He didn’t have a mean bone in his body. Sprig would listen, but he’d be aghast. He would never even consider torturing a friend or someone he loved. Deep down, he would never think me capable.
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