by Alice White
“You’re used to a certain humidity level. When that humidity level drops dramatically, the capillaries in your nose burst.”
“So I have a nose bleed.”
“Precisely. Smart girl,” he sighed, setting the rag down.
I tilted my head forward, ready to catch any blood that might come, but I was happy to find that no such thing happened. I wiped my nose and sniffled a little, looking over at the doctor.
“Thank you.”
“No need to thank me. It’s my job.”
I nodded and looked down at my lap, wondering if we were going to talk about the elephant in the room. James stood up and went to wash his hands in a bowl of water. I was happy to see that he was practicing good hygiene. It was so very important and so many field doctors neglected it.
“I’m glad to see that my wife doesn’t have a weak stomach when it comes to blood. Most women seem to faint at the slightest drop of it.”
“Oh, well…it would be hard to be a nurse and be unable to handle blood,” I pointed out, tucking some blonde hair behind me ear.
A small smile tugged at his lips. “You’re a nurse? You never mentioned that in your letters.”
“It seemed unnecessary.”
“You were afraid that a man wouldn’t want to marry a woman with aspirations.”
I set my lips in a thin line, though we both knew he was right. I slid off the cool table and ran my hands over my skirt, happy to see that none of the blood had stained my dress. “Well, now that you know, will you--?”
“We’re already married,” he said simply, putting some of his instruments away. “I didn’t want to waste any time.”
“We’re married? But I didn’t sign a certificate.”
“The signatures on your letters was more than enough. I paid you and you became my wife.”
I was a little shocked that I could so easily be signed over to someone else, though I suppose it shouldn’t have come as much of a shock. I had known that things were different out here. You didn’t come out west for love and a big fancy wedding. People who went westward were typically running from something. The men came here to strike out on their own and the women came because they had no other options. It was a very distinct divide.
I nodded slowly, deciding that it was best to just accept the facts rather than argue them. James still had his back to me, putting away instruments. He seemed so distant. It was as if he were keeping me at arm’s length. After he had everything put away he turned back to me, his hands red from cleaning. I’d never seen someone wash their hands so much.
“I suppose I should show you where you’ll be living.”
He was so handsome and yet he seemed so stunted. It was as if he didn’t know how to communicate with people. It was as if he were using a script to speak. He was stiff and something about his stance told me he was a guarded man.
I nodded and followed him to a set of stairs in the back of the clinic. He took me up them and we came to the second floor which had a small cooking area. It was mostly the living area and while it was not huge, it was big enough for a small family. It would be easy enough to keep clean. Books lined shelves and I couldn’t stop myself from getting up to examine them. They were all medical books and I felt a tingle of excitement in my chest. I was thrilled that I’d have access to all of this knowledge. It had always been hard to find a collection of books like this and now I’d be living with them!
“There’s one more floor,” he said, his voice becoming even more stiff, if that was possible.
I nodded and followed him up one more flight of stairs, watching him closely. We came to the third story and I noticed that there were two doors on either side. He pointed to the one on the right.
“This is my room and this--,” he pointed to the left, “is your room.”
“We aren’t going to share a bed?”
“No.” He didn’t hesitate in his answer and made it very clear to me that this was not going to be a typical marriage. I knew that already.
I sighed and nodded, pushing the door open. My eyes widened when I saw a crib sitting across the room. My heart started pounding in my chest. I could only pray that it was an old crib or that it hadn’t been used yet. I was not even remotely ready for motherhood.
I moved across the room slowly and approached the crib. My heart dropped into my stomach when I saw a sleeping child swaddled in blankets. James didn’t say anything for a long time. Finally, he took a breath and spoke.
“This is why I sent for a wife.”
Chapter 4
I learned that the baby was not James’s. He was the only doctor in town and did everything from treating wounds to birthing babies. I was excited to hear that from a professional standpoint, but I was suddenly left wondering if I would even be able to pursue nursing. The baby was a newborn whose mother died in birth. The baby was born just fine, but with no mother or father, the poor thing would surely die. The one orphanage in town was already overflowing and there was just no time or room for a baby. James decided to do the godly thing and take the child in.
He explained to me that he never had children and that he needed help caring for the child, so he sent out for a bride. For days, I just stared at the child, almost afraid to pick it up. He was so small and so fragile and I was afraid I might hurt him. I wanted children, of course, but I just was not ready for a baby, though most women my age already had multiple children. That didn’t really matter to me. I knew I was not like most women.
I did my best with the baby. His name was Thomas and he had the most beautiful tanned skin. I learned that his mother was a Native American and it explained his dark hair and eyes. The more I took care of the child, the more confident I became as a caregiver. I knew that Thomas was at my mercy and I needed to do everything in my power to protect him. As the days passed I began to see Thomas as my own and even though I hadn’t come to Montana ready to be a mother, I fell into the role easily.
James was not nearly as easy to care for as Thomas. James was a silent man. He didn’t speak to me much after that first day. He would leave me money to go into town but rarely talked to me. He ate his meals alone and would steal glances at me but stayed silent for the most part.
I was starting to think that he hated me when he finally started opening up to me. We would have short dinner conversations and even laugh with each other. He was still guarded, but at least he was showing me a side of himself I’d never seen before. It felt good to get closer to home. He was, after all, my husband. If I couldn’t be close to my husband, I was not sure I’d be able to be happy in Montana. The more I cared for the baby and the more time I spent with James, the more I wanted the kind of life other women had. If I couldn’t bury my regrets and fears of the past in nursing, I wanted to at least be able to distract myself with a family.
It was a normal night like any other, Thomas was in my lap and James was sitting across from me, eating slowly. He glanced up at me and set his napkin down on the table.
“I wanted to talk to you about something, Sara.”
“Oh?” I asked, raising my eyebrows and holding Thomas closer. “What is it?”
“Johnny is a wonderful assistant,” he said, referring to the young boy who often helped him during procedures, “but I think I need more assistance than what he can offer.”
I had to force back the smile that was coming to my lips. I cleared my throat and took another bite of my soup. “Is that so?”
“Yes. And I think you would be best.”
“And what makes you say that?” I asked with a slow smile. I knew I was trying to pull a compliment out of him, but I didn’t think it too wicked of me.
“You’re very good at what you do,” he murmured.
“And how would you know that?”
“I did some research. I did some asking around.”
The smile fell from my face as quickly as it had appeared. My eyes widened and my spoon clattered to the table. Those weren’t the words I’d wanted to hear. If he’d
asked around, then he knew how many patients I’d lost. My lip quivered and I looked down and away.
“Sara?” he asked, brows furrowed and his eyes full of worry.
I cleared my throat and set my napkin to the side. “Why are you taunting me like this?” I whispered, looking at him with wide eyes.
“Taunting? I don’t understand.”
“Yes you do! You know I lost all those men!” I snapped, my eyes wide.
“Sara, all of the doctors you worked with had nothing but amazing things to say about you.”
“And how did you find them?”
“Many Civil War doctors moved out here after the war. I sent some letters or to the trading posts and many of them knew who you were and how hard you worked.”
My voice was shaking and I was fighting tears. This conversation had taken a very sudden turn. “I let so many of them down,” I whispered. “I let so many of them die.”
James frowned and stood up, walking to my side of the table. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. I was surprised by the sudden affection. He’d always seemed so reluctant before. As he held me I felt that he’d experienced a similar pain. He knew what it was like and he knew why my heart ached.
“God has given you a gift, Sara,” he said softly, combing his fingers through my hair. “You have to understand that being a doctor doesn’t mean you always get to save somebody.” He said softly. “Sometimes people just can’t be saved and that’s a part of the job that we have to come to understand. Just because you lose a patient doesn’t mean you’re a failure as a nurse. We’re all going to lose patients,” he said softly.
I was silent for a long moment, enjoying the sense of comfort and safety that came along with leaning into James. “Have you ever lost someone?”
He was silent for a long time, just staring into the distance. I looked up at him, waiting for him to say something. When he finally spoke, his voice was weak and cracking. His eyes fluttered closed and he took a deep breath.
“Of course I have.”
He didn’t elaborate and I felt that I shouldn’t push the issue. He made me look up at him and I caught his eyes. I knew I looked scared and worried but as he gazed into my face I felt comforted and safe. I felt like nothing bad could happen as long as he was there.
“Sara. I want you to start working with me as my nurse. I think we could do a lot of good together.”
My eyes widened and I licked my lips. This was it. This was my redemption song! God led me here so that I could make good on my promise to save lives. I nodded slowly and wrapped my arms around, hugging him as a swell of gratitude filled my chest.
“Yes! Yes! I will. Thank you.”
This was it. This was how I was going to turn it all around.
Chapter 5
I loved working with James. It felt strange to call him Dr. Ackerman when we were in the clinic, but it was nice to finally be putting my knowledge to use again. I didn’t like leaving Thomas upstairs alone so I had James order another crib that could be moved about the clinic. I wanted him close. I’d come to think of the child as mine and I was desperate to protect him and keep him safe.
On days when James had a light patient load, I was often instructed to go into town and shop for various medicinal herbs or tools. I helped him with his procedures but I was also the errand girl, though I didn’t mind.
It was a glorious spring day and the birds were chirping excitedly in the trees as bees buzzed around blossoming flowers. I was glad to be out of the clinic today and walking through the market with Mariana, my best friend.
I had always been so focused on becoming a nurse that I never had much time for friends back in Clayton. I would play with the other children, of course, but I didn’t really consider myself good friends with any of them. As I grew older all of the other girls seemed to take a keen interest in boys while I was stuck, daydreaming about being a nurse. They thought me an odd duck, though no one was mean to me. But here, I had a friend. A very good friend.
Mariana was a dark skinned woman who’d traveled to Montana from the Southern states to escape slavery. Some of the Western states had slaves but free men and women like Mariana were free to live out their lives. We always received strange looks when we walked through the market together, but I didn’t care. God made her in his image just as he made me and I felt no need to be cruel or mean to any person.
“So the good doctor finally asked you to be his nurse,” she said with a chuckle. “Took him long enough.”
“I was starting to think he’d never ask.”
“You act like that’s more important than being his wife.”
“Well, it is to me,” I admitted.
She glanced over at me as she picked up an apple and put it in her basket. “Have things improved? Is he more open now?”
I pursed my lips and sighed. “He talks to me more, so I suppose that’s good, but I feel like there’s something he’s holding back. I feel like there’s something he’s just not telling me.”
Mariana sighed and put her hands on her hips, shaking her head back and forth slowly. “I don’t really know if this is my place or not, but I don’t think he’s going to tell you and I really think someone should,” she muttered, running her hand through her hair.
My brows furrowed as I frowned. “What do you mean?”
She sighed and looked at me. “Come on.” She took my hand and led me through the market until we came to a break. She led me to the river bank and had me sit down on a tree branch before settling in next to me.
“There’s something he hasn’t told you.”
I frowned deeply. “What?”
“He was married before.”
“But he said--”
“He said he had no children and that is not a lie. He was married to a woman named Riley. She was a gem. We all loved her.”
“Loved?” My voice trailed off.
Mariana sighed and looked into the river. “She was so young and full of life. No one expected it to happen,” she whispered.
“Expected what to happen?” I urged.
“Some cattle rustlers came through,” she whispered, looking off into the distance. “They went through town and burned the buildings down to force everyone out. A few places were spared and the doctor’s clinic was one of them. Riley and James were hiding there, waiting for the rustlers to pass but then a young girl ran out, trying to escape a burning building. She couldn’t have been older than thirteen. The rustlers grabbed her and tried to run off with her, but Riley stepped out and shot the man who had the girl. She saved the girl, but Riley didn’t stand a chance. She was shot dead in the street. James tried to save her, but there’s only so much a doctor can do. She died in his arms and we all found out later that she’d been pregnant.”
I stared at Mariana, my eyes filling with tears. I understood his reluctance and his distance now. I understood the heartbreak in his voice when he asked me to be his nurse. I stood slowly and took Mariana’s hands.
“Thank you. I know it was probably difficult for you to tell me. I know you probably think you crossed a line, but I’m so thankful. God brought me here for a reason, and maybe, just maybe it’s to heal the heart of this town’s doctor.”
Mariana stood and wrapped her arms around me. “If you’re as a good a nurse as they say, you might just stand a chance.
I smiled softly and held her tight. I wanted to help him. I wanted to help my doctor know that he was not alone. I was not going to let him be alone anymore.
Chapter 6
I wanted to confront him that day but it seemed unwise. I needed him to open up to me and cornering him was not going to do me any good. The last thing I wanted was to scare him away. I needed to approach this gently. I waited and bided my time. I wanted to break down the walls he’d so carefully built. Maybe it was cruel of me, but it was the only way I knew how to help him.
Weeks passed and I started to understand that there was no right time. There was not ever going to be a perfec
t time and I was just going to have to make it happen. I didn’t know if what I was doing was the right thing or not, but after praying on it, I came to a decision.
I put little Thomas to bed and kissed him gently. He was growing so fast and I wanted James to be there for him as a father, but as long as James’s heart was torn in two, I knew he couldn’t be a husband or a father. I was his wife and just as it was my duty to heal the sick, it was my duty to mend my husband’s broken heart.
He was already in bed and a storm was raging outside. I had the perfect excuse to crawl into bed with him. I knocked on the door and poked my head in. “James?”
“What is it?”
“I was wondering if I could lie with you tonight? We are husband and wife, after all, and the storm is scaring me.”
He sighed and moved closer to one side of the bed holding the blankets up so I could get in. “I suppose one night together couldn’t hurt anything,” he murmured.
I crawled in beside him and smiled softly. “Thank you.”
“Of course.”
I scooted close to him and put my forehead to his back. “James?”
“Yes, darling?”
“I need to ask you something.”
“What is it?”
“Why are you so distant? With me and Thomas?”
I felt him tense and I reached out to wrap my arms around him, hopefully keeping him from running off. He was silent for a long time and swallowed thickly.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
That simple statement made it clear to me that I was going to have to be more aggressive. “Tell me about Riley.”
He tensed up even more and he tried to pull away but I brought him back and held him close. “Don’t run from me, James,” I pleaded.
He grit his teeth. “Someone already told you, didn’t they?” he whispered, his words almost venomous.
“Yes. I had to know more about you!”
“Then why didn’t you ask me?!”
“I am! I’m asking now and you’re still fighting me!” I urged.