by C.M. Kars
I tell her that Hunter’s not mine anymore.
“That better be a fucking joke, Sera.”
I frown. “I’m not going to be with someone who cheated on me. I already have low enough self-esteem, I don’t need that shit hanging over my head, too.”
Katie shakes her head and bites her lip, like she’s afraid to tell me something really important.“You don’t actually know anything, right? Like, she drove him to the hospital. You already hinted at him being a loner, maybe the guy doesn’t have any friends? How else was he going to get to the hospital?”
“By bus? His own two feet? Why did he have to call her?” I say.
Katie shakes her head at me again, but the kind of head-shake that says I’m missing out on a vital piece of the puzzle. It pisses me off.
“You told me his sugar was probably out of whack, right? What makes you think he would jeopardize himself by walking to the hospital when you have his car?”
“Whose side are you on?!” I get my feet under me, and get up from the couch. Stalking to the fridge, I get myself a glass of water, and don’t get one for Katie. That’s right, total badass. “He spent three hours with her, instead of being with me and his son. His son, K. What the fuck was he doing in all that time?”
She’s holding her hands out again. I just see them as potential targets for my fists instead of the universal ‘calm-down’ gesture they’re meant for.
“What if... what if he didn’t call her until last minute? Wait, just hear me out. You have no way of knowing if he spent the three hours with her or the last ten minutes or whatever it takes to drive to the hospital.”
She has a point. Damn it. “He could have called me.” No, no, he couldn’t’ve, because I forgot to take my phone when I left with Matty. I don’t like how this story is shaping up.
“Fine, then why didn’t he stop me from walking away, huh? What kind of asshole does that, right? Riddle me that!”
“I’m with you there. Total dick move. But maybe he was pissed off, too? Or embarrassed or ashamed?” She’s picking at the hem of her KISS tee. I don’t know what that means. I’ve never seen her look so uncertain before. “You know, you have a really bad habit of comparing your friends, and anyone you let get close to you to superheroes or people in your books or movies. Real people aren’t like that, you know? Most of the time, we don’t do the right thing, Sera. Most of the time we don’t save the day.”
“Fuck, you’re supposed to be making me feel better, not shittier. Christ, just stop talking.”I rub my eyes, refusing to cry anymore. They itch so much, I wonder if I’ve exhausted my tears supply for the year. I sigh, long and hard, letting all my misery out with it.
“Maybe he played us all, but I thought he was really into you, Super S. He was straight up about it, which as we all know, deserves points. And if he just thought you were another piece and you didn’t give it up that first night, he would’ve moved on.”
“You’re making sense, but what if he gets off on the chase, on the capitulation?”
Katie frowns at me. “You’re just finding questions to torment yourself with now. Stop it. You really need to stop this. Aren’t you tired of it all? Making yourself the victim in every goddamn situation?” She puts her hands through her long hair, giving it a tug by each side of her ears.
I take a step back, and feel like I’ve been stabbed. “What did you just say to me?”
Katie stays on the couch, and takes a deep breath. “I’m telling you the truth. Why are you sabotaging your own happiness? Why are you letting all those fuckers you have for a family win? WHY?” She yells, getting up from the couch so fast, I backpedal into the kitchen counter, hitting my spine in a horizontal slice of pain.
“You think I want to feel this fucking way? You think I like feeling like this?” I snarl at her, ignoring the way she’s holding my biceps and trying to keep me in place. I might just punch her in the face, damn my hand and if it breaks again. I don’t care.
Katie’s three inches from my face, close enough that I can smell chocolate on her breath. “YES! That way you use it as a fucking excuse for everything that doesn’t go your way! Shitty job, well, it’s ‘cause your asshole parents told you you were worthless without a dependable degree. Never been kissed, your shitty brother and uncle called you fat and ugly all your life, and you decide to believe it. Every time something good or bad happens to you, you corrupt it with what you think of yourself. I’m tired of telling you what you’re worth and having you shove it back in my face.” Her chocolate eyes are dry, and there’s no pain there, only anger.“When are you going to believe that you deserve something good in your life?”
I can’t speak. The connection between my brain and mouth is temporarily out of service.
She sighs, and looks down at her hands that are still on my biceps.
“I bet you didn’t believe a single word he told you. I bet you thought he was lying, that he was making it up. The whole time that he was making up how much he wants you.”
I don’t answer and that’s answer enough.
“Where’s your phone?” she asks and drops her arms from me abruptly. I let her rummage around my place for the charger and the phone. “God, you have a hundred messages. Almost a hundred. That’s dedication. I’m gonna sit here until you read every single one. Sit your ass down.”
I shake my head, heart being squeezed by an invisible fist in my chest. I can’t do this, I can’t. I just came to terms with being alone again, and now she wants me to put salt in the wound?
“You read them. I don’t care anymore. That ship has sailed.”
Katie’s face screws up, like some wiring got crossed and screwed up a perfectly good facial expression. “You can’t just be over someone in a week! You’re not a cyborg!”
“I could be. I just never told you.”
“Shut up... Just shut up. Oh, God,” she breathes, scrolling through text after text. “He wrote a novel. A novel! Would you just read it?”
I shake my head.
“Just read it. Nothing’s gonna change if you read it. You’re still ‘broken up’.” She does air quotes. I hate it when she does air quotes. She hands me my phone, hard enough that it smacks against the skin of my hand.
“I’ll read it after, alright?” She knows I’m lying, but pretends like she got through to me. We settle back on the couch and stare at the TV without talking. I let her have control of the remote, as she goes through channel and channel so fast, I can’t even see what I’m missing.
“You’ve lost too much weight. I don’t think he’d want you now, anyway,” she says.
Searching for that numbness again, I say, “I know what you’re doing, and it’s not going to work.”
Katie looks at me, but I keep looking at the TV. Finally, out of the corner of my eye, I see her turn her head back to the screen.
“Are you happier now that you’re skinny? Was that the magic spell you needed to be happier, Sera? And now you’re wondering why nothing’s changed. Why can’t you just get that weight, age, whatever... it’s just a number.”
I don’t want to hear this anymore. Not when I think she’s right, and I think I’ve been in the wrong. And I’ve made myself completely miserable; I’ve wasted so much time being utterly miserable with my life.
“Do you like apples?”
“No. You’re not going to use movie quotes to get yourself out of this one.” She points the remote at me like it’s the Elder Wand. “We’re going to watch some show like civilized people and I’m going to pretend I don’t want to throat punch you. Good plan, no?”
I shake my head, and keep looking at the screen. My cell is calling me, like a black hole sucking all my attention, just sitting there on the counter. I just stare at it when I think Katie isn’t looking. If I had Jedi mind powers, I could use the Force to bring it to my hand without having to get up and go to the kitchen counter, where I left it.
I want to read what he wrote me, but I don’t want to read what he wrote me. H
is words have the seductive potential of changing my mind, and I’m not sure that’s in my best interest. What if he hurts me again? What if, after I read his texts, he chooses Alysha anyway?
What if?
“Take a chance, Sera,” Katie says from my right, catching me in the act of staring at my phone. “This is as low as you can go. Kinda freeing, isn’t it? And I’ll be here to pick you up, if need be. Promise.”
I nod, throat thick with some kind of emotion I don’t want to give a name to. I get up from the couch, snag my phone, then take my place back. Katie keeps flicking through channels, giving me a small amount of privacy.
I open one of his texts and begin to read:
I know what it looked like, trust me. If you’d done the same thing to me, I’d be climbing the fucking walls. I deserve this, whatever punishment you’re going to give me, I do. I should never have started anything with you, Sera. It was selfish and an asshole thing to do.
I was being an asshole those first few times we were together – I wanted you to stay away. I knew what you were, I knew what you could be to me with one look at your shirts, and the smile, and the book in your hand and how you were oblivious to everything else in the world, even me.
The only words I can offer you are I’m sorry. Two words, seven letters. Nothing special, right? But just know that I really mean them, more than I’ve meant anything in my entire life.
I wish we could have had more time. I could’ve explained everything to you, and not played you from the beginning. I’m not Matty’s biological father. He was my sister’s, and her name was Jules. She died three years ago when Matty was one. She died when she was twenty-five, the same age as you are now.
Seems like a sick twist of fate, right? I don’t think I ever told you how much I believe in that shit. Something out there put you in my path, showed me what a good woman could do for a fucked up guy like me. How she could make him want to be better for her, for his nephew who calls him Dad.
I just want you to know the truth.
Aly and I were done the day after you took me to the hospital. She tried talking with my Mom about our situation. Our parents knew each other when they were growing up, and me and her, we’ve been groomed for an imminent marriage with all the finesse of a business transaction. No matter how many women I had in between, or how many guys she’s fucked instead of me. And she’s freaking out, especially now that her parents are broke and her blow money’s running out.
Yeah, she does drugs. I used to, too. She was the one who gave me my first hit when I found out about my diabetes, when I was eighteen. I felt like she was the only person I could turn to, and I loved her, or thought I did. All my friends looked at me differently, and the pity in their eyes, I wanted to rip them out of their sockets. Funny thing about pity is, it’s still there, whether you see it or not. You feel it on your skin, and it gets stuck in your head.
So Aly and I have history. Like I told you, baby, I’m nothing but a cock and an impending orgasm for her. You, you make me feel like I could be so much more. My sugar was spiking last Friday when we fought. I ran hard for an hour at the gym, trying to get it down as much as I could. It dropped, and I was out of it until I could get my head in gear to get to the hospital.
Mostly I was ashamed. That I let you take my kid to the hospital without me. That you were right about everything, that I’m not a good Dad. So I called Aly in a moment of stupidity.
Didn’t even take a little convincing to drive me over, while her hand tried to get into my jeans, and down my boxers. I’m sorry, but you have to believe I nearly broke her hand when she did that. You have to know that. I only want you. Only you, Sera. Nerdy shirts and all. Reading my boy Harry Potter every night, and smiling at me from my bed every morning, even kicking me out, ‘cause you’re body temperature goes out of whack when I’m close by.
I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry I hurt you, that I drove you away. I can’t ask for your forgiveness because I don’t deserve it. I’ve done bad things, least of all with Matty. You’re lucky to be free of me.
Just know that these past few months with you have been the best in my life. I don’t remember laughing this much, or smiling this much in a long time. I know Jules would have loved you.
Thank you. For everything. For making me see what I needed to see with Matty. Again, it doesn’t feel like enough, but it’s all I can say – thank you and I’m sorry I hurt you.
That fucker.
He rips my heart out and now this? It’s a textual grovel is what it is, and I won’t be played. Then why am I crying and having a hard time getting a breath? Bastard, asshole, motherducker!
“That bad, huh?” Katie says.Jesus, I forgot she was there. I hand her the phone and get up to go to the bathroom. I wash my face with cool water, wincing at the dark circles under my red-rimmed eyes, blow my nose, get a three-pointer, and make my way out back to the living room.
“Could it be any longer?!” Of course she would complain. Of course. “Oh, oh wow. Does he have a brother? I need a clone of him, stat.”
I almost smile, and chuckle despite not wanting to. “Keep reading.”
“I can see it on your face, buddy. You think he’s playing you again. What is the use of living your life if you can’t make any mistakes? You’re not living, you’re just existing. Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me these past few months with Hunter haven’t changed you, haven’t made you happier? Fucking shit, you fell in love with the guy! That changes a person – for the better. Go ahead, tell me I’m wrong. I want to see you lie your way out of this one.”
I can’t, and she knows it, too.
“Five points to Slytherin!” Figures she likes Slytherin, the evil of all Hogwarts Houses before Severus Snape turned that shit upside down. All hail Queen Rowling, we are not worthy. “Lemme finish.”
Katie makes noises as she reads, and I wonder again, how she’s single. Guys would flock to that shit, probably wondering in their dirty minds if she would make those kinda noises in bed. I even heard the boys take bets on it one time, when we were having dinner together.
“I can’t. My heart. If you don’t want the job, I’ll be his love slave foreverrrr.”
I snort, ignoring the flash of jealousy that scores my stomach, and boils my blood. “He just... I don’t know what to think.”
“Stop using your brain for this stuff. It won’t let you try anything in situations like this. Trust me. Sweetie, you’ve been hurt, but guess what? You bounce back. You get better, and chocolate makes everything good again. Do what you feel like, but that’s my two-cents. I say go for it. He’s too hot not to.”
“He’s not just hot, K.”
“Yeah, you’re in love. My girl’s in love!” She squeals, throwing her arms around me.
“You read the end, just like I did. It’s over.”
The look in her eyes is all we’ll see about that. “Whatever you say, hotshot.”
“I’m serious. I didn’t fake that last bit of the text. He wrote it. And Jesus, he’s not Matty’s Dad. Remember that first night he asked for a movie? He said it was for his nephew. I just thought he was lying this whole time ‘cause he wanted a chance at me.”
Katie shakes her head. “Yep. So Matty’s his nephew. For all intents and purposes, the kid is his kid. Hunter is the only Dad Matty’s ever known. Poor thing doesn’t even remember his Mom. You know, this means the way is clear for you to be his Mom.”
“The thought hadn’t crossed my mind.”
“Liar, liar, pants on fire!”
I clear my throat, blush, and stutter, “Nothing’s changed. We’re done. Let’s talk about something else.”
Katie stares at me, clearly wanting to say something else for Team Hunter. I’m the only member on Team Sera, apparently.
Then she lets it go, her whole body deflates and she finally settles on a channel, giving me back my phone. I cradle the thing in both my hands, holding it close to my chest, keeping the words close. How pathetic can I be? I decide to leave it on the
armrest and vow not to look at it again for the rest of the night. I fail. Repeatedly.
“Alex and Teresa’s engagement’s in two weeks,” she sighs, like this is a hardship when we both know she loves parties and the chance to show off her killer wardrobe. “We’re going to have to go shopping now that you have no more ass and all,” Katie says, settling in and crossing her legs. She put it on a UFC fight with two hulking dudes that I’m guessing must be heavy-weights.
“My ass is still the size of Texas, K. That hasn’t changed.”
“And your boobs are gone, too,” she goes on like I haven’t said anything. Rude.
“Are not.” I look down at my chest. I’m wearing the same bra I wore two weeks ago. No way they got smaller.
“Psych! No, they’re fine, but everywhere else got smaller. Lucky! What have you been doing?”
I tell her about the spinning and she ooh’s and aah’s in all the right places. I can’t help but grin, ignoring the hole in my chest where Hunter and Matty used to be. My first ever kiss, my first ever relationship, gone like the cars in Gone in Sixty Seconds. Here one minute and gone the next.
Katie makes me buy a little black dress. I’ve never had one before. Mostly because I never felt comfortable enough to wear one, the material clinging to my body like neon signs pointing to my protruding belly, back fat, and non-existent muscles in my arms, and the largeness of my behind. No, thank you.
The spinning and no-eating has made me skinnier. Oh, my ass is still out there, almost a perfect C from the back of my thighs to my lower back, but the rest of me is less, and my ass, well, it doesn’t stick out as much.
My dress is beautiful, absolutely gorgeous and to top it all off, it didn’t break the bank in buying it. Win-win. It goes to the knee, but is skin tight except for some glorious ruches going from underneath my boobs to fall asymmetrically down to my opposite knee. Topping the whole look off with curly hair that cascades down my shoulders better than Kim Kardashian (not really, but close), and I splurged on some ridiculously sparkly stilettos that are six inches high.