by Emilia Finn
It doesn’t mean shit, because he’s not here to bask in his innocence, or tease me for tricking me.
Turning away from the drawers, I snatch up his file and grab my bag and keys from the back of the door.
“Jess?” Alex follows me into the hall. Past Laine’s closed bedroom door. Through the living room past a not making out Luc and Kari.
They sent Alex in, because they’ve tried for a week already. They’re tired of my grief. Tired of my depression. Tired of me. “Jess!” Alex jogs behind me. “Where are you going?”
“For a drive.” I swing the door open and turn back in yoga pants and a shirt six sizes too big. “You guys go to fight night. I don’t want to.”
“Jessie…” My real brother watches me through watery eyes. “You need family.”
I need Kane!
“I need to be alone.”
“You’re making us sick with worry. You need to stay home.”
“You just sent him in to coax me out!” I point out to the afternoon sun. “So, I’m going out.”
“We wanted you out with us!” Luc snaps. “With the Rollers. With Brat and Jack. Not on your own. Fuck, Jess. None of us know how to help you. None of us know what we’re going to find each day. We know you’re hurting, but you don’t share anything, you won’t let us help.”
“Help? You don’t wanna help! You want me to get over it. You judge me for falling in love with a criminal. You judge me for falling in love at all. Is that reserved only for you?” I point at Kari. At the girl who was mine before she was his. “You and X think you get the market share on love, and the rest of us just go on with our lives? Love isn’t a fucking pie, Luc! If I get a slice, it doesn’t make yours smaller.” My breath hitches until my lungs collapse inside my chest. “I’m allowed to be in love. And now he’s gone. Stop trying to make me get over it. I can’t. I won’t. I don’t want to!”
I swing out the front door and slam it closed. Almost running, I move toward my little car parked in the same spot someone put it a week ago. I haven’t touched it. Haven’t moved it. Dropping into the driver’s seat, I look up half blind at the sound of the front door slamming closed a second time.
Laine sprints for the passenger side. When she throws herself in and meets my eyes, it’s like I’m looking at me, not because we’re identical, but because of the way her chest heaves. The way her eyes hold grief. “Take me with you. You don’t have to talk. You don’t have to get over anything. Just take me with you.”
“Okay.” I push the car into reverse and pull out of the driveway. Leaving my family standing at the front door, I speed past the cruiser and head to the freeway.
Laine snaps her belt into place, and pulling her jean clad legs up to her chest, she curls into the seat and compacts her body in the way I wish I could. Her long blonde hair, the same as mine, hangs limp and dirty… the same as mine. Pale cheeks. Freckles. We look like a couple Barbies that forgot to shower for a week.
Driving past the sign that welcomes newcomers to town, I turn the radio up and press a hand to my heart when Calum Scott sings of grief and hopelessness.
Laine and I are a couple shipwreck survivors washed upon a tiny island while the storm continues to surge around us. The world continues to spin, but the twins are drowning. My breath hitches – I need Kane to hold me tonight. But he can’t. So instead, I reach out and take Laine’s hand and bring it to my heart.
“I love you, Baby.”
Releasing the poison that swirls in her heart, she howls in my passenger seat and buries her face against the door.
“Wanna talk about it?”
She shakes her head.
I nod mine. “Okay. Me neither.”
I pull into Paddy’s truck stop and stop the car in the same spot Kane parked in only a couple weeks ago. The twenty-five-minute drive was enough to allow Laine to cry it out – whatever it is. But not enough time to look presentable again.
Twins; messy hair, messy clothes, puffy eyes, and broken hearts, we link hands and head into the empty diner. I don’t know why I came here. I don’t know why I revisit the place we came for breakfast. I had a similar hole in my heart the last time I was here, too. But Kane was there, and he was filling it for me. With his crude jokes and blatant flirting with the buxom Dolly, he made me smile in a moment I wasn’t sure I’d ever smile again.
He spoke to Jay on the phone that day.
His brother.
I didn’t know it was his real brother. I didn’t know anything.
He laughed at me. Jay laughed at my expense, but it didn’t make me mad. It added another tiny little puzzle piece to the picture that was Kane Bishop.
I thought that phone call was one criminal to another.
But it was one good man to another. To his brother.
I was so close to the truth, and yet, so far away, I wasn’t even in the same universe.
“Oh my word, there are two of you! What the bejeebus?” Dolly moves around the long counter, her hips swaying while she dries her hands on her apron. “Two of you!” She stops in front of us. “Which one of you is mine, and why are you both sad?”
Laine attempts to step back from Dolly’s loud words, but I refuse to release her hand. It’s enough. Enough of a sign for Dolly to know who’s who.
“You.” Her bright green eyes meet mine. “You’re the one I know. Brave and strong.” She rubs a gentle hand along my arm when I tuck Kane’s file close to my body. “Why are you sad, baby? What happened?”
I clamp my lips shut and blink furiously to keep my tears locked down. “I’m Jess.” My breath hitches. “This is my sister, Laine. We were wondering if we could get a couple milkshakes?”
“Yes. Of course.” Taking a fast hint, she ushers us to a booth, leaving me both heartbroken and relieved that she doesn’t sit us at the counter. I want to sit in Kane’s seat. I want to be wherever he’s been, sit where he’s sat, try to feel something. Anything. But I’m not ready to feel so exposed. Not ready to break down so publicly. “Of course, sweetheart. Chocolate?”
I nod and push Laine into the red and white booth first. I’m the oldest. The protector. “Yes please. Chocolate. And lots of ice cream so it’s really cold.”
She tucks loose strands of hair behind my ear the way my mom did a million times over the years. “Sure thing, baby girl. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
I set my bag on the floor and hold Kane’s file on my lap. Bringing my legs up onto the vinyl bench, I hug my knees and rest my face in the hollow. Laine mirrors my position and leans into me so our heads touch. “I’m sorry you’re hurting, Baby.”
She links her fingers with mine. “Me too, Jessie. Do you think it’s worse because we’re both sad at the same time? Usually we balance each other out; the non-sad one would take a little of the burden, so then it’s two hearts with half the hurt each.” Her chest heaves. “Do you think it’s just bad timing?”
Tears dribble along my nose and tickle the tip. “Nope. I think it would hurt this much no matter what.”
A couple minutes later, Dolly comes back with arms laden with plates. Pancakes with smiley faces made of berries. Eggs. Bacon. Icy cold milkshakes. “You need to put meat on your bones, girls. Can’t outrun the bears if you’re weak from hunger.”
I bury my face in my knees and picture his dark eyes. His strong hands. If he was here, he’d tell me to put the meat in my mouth. He’d make me laugh, then he’d make me pant for him.
Dolly slides into the booth across from us and pulls our joined hands into hers. “What happened?”
“He’s…” I draw in a long breath and hold it until my brain wants to explode. Tears slide freely along my cheeks. My hands shake, but Dolly takes some of our grief, she holds on and keeps us steady. “He’s gone.”
Her face pales. “Gone where, baby?”
“He…” I haven’t said the words once. Not one single time. I haven’t owned it. Because once I do, there are no take backs. No re-dos. There’s nothing but a lifetime of blacknes
s and a deep hole dug out of my heart. “He…” Why must we hurt physically, when it’s just an emotion? Why must it feel like we’re being crushed in a clamp with no chance of escape? “He died.” I swipe my tears away and focus on her eyes. “He wasn’t unemployed. He didn’t need a job like I said he did. He was a cop. And he died because he saved my life.”
“Oh, baby.” Moving around the booth faster than you’d think her large frame could manage, she scoots me further in until the three of us crush together.
She pulls my face to her chest and allows me freedom to join Laine and cry the poison out.
36
December
Me: I need you back.
Al: Delivery error. This number is no longer in service.
37
January
Me: My heart keeps breaking. Every day I wake up and remember. And then it breaks again.
Me: Come back.
Al: Delivery error. This number is no longer in service.
38
February
Me: I don’t want to cry anymore.
Me: I hope you’re at peace. I’ve been seeing Spence. I’m being safe.
Me: I still love you
Al: Delivery error. This number is no longer in service.
39
March
Me: I can’t breathe without you. Please come back.
Al: Delivery error. This number is no longer in service.
40
But Life Must Go On
“Are you sure you’re ready for this, Thing 1?” Luc bends his neck to look into my eyes. His lips twitch playfully. He wants me to smile. He wants the old me back.
But the old me doesn’t exist anymore.
The old Jess was in love with a criminal. A good man that sometimes did bad things. But never to good people.
The old Jess was in love with an undercover cop, and although she didn’t know that, she knew her instincts were on point. She knew good and pure when she saw it.
She knew love.
I’ll never know that kind of love again. It’s the once in a lifetime kind. The kind that just cannot be replicated, can’t be feigned, can’t be bought, sold, or bartered.
Kane Bishop ruined me, just like he promised he would. He said I’d compare every man to him for the rest of my life. He said that I’d never find one that could measure up.
He was right.
He broke me.
And I’m both blessed and enraged that I experienced that kind of undying love.
Even when half of the couple is gone, the love remains.
Even though he never told me he loves me, I felt it.
Some people can be together for two years and still not be sure if they’re in love. They’re in like, they mesh well together, they make a decent team, and they’re happy to share a dining table and a coffee pot, but they’re not sure if it’s the kind of love the literary greats spoke of.
And then you can have people that are together for just days.
Kane and I were together for two weeks. We were together for just one. We never shared a normal morning over coffee. We never spent our morning in pyjamas while discussing our plans for that day. We never experienced a real date, or going to the movies, or family dinner.
I never introduced him to my family.
And yet, the love I feel for him is enough that it will stay with me for the rest of my life. I carry him with me and let him save me every single day.
I struggle to find reason to get out of bed each day. I struggle to think my family is enough to keep breathing for.
But he’s enough. He’s the reason I get up and study; so I can become a lawyer and help uphold the law he worked so hard for.
His heart beating inside mine is enough to get out of bed each day.
“Jess?” Luc’s broad hand brings my chin up. “You ready? Today’s a big day.”
“Yeah.” I fold my arm across my chest so my fingers slide over the bumpy skin on my ribs. The marks he left behind. The stitches that had to be done twice, and on the second round, they were willing to ‘fix’ them so there would be no scarring.
No.
I wouldn’t let them fix it for me. The scarring is mine to keep. My keepsake.
I shrug. “I’m ready.”
“Bar exams are almost done. Two days down, one to go. You’re feeling strong?”
I swallow the ball of emotion in my throat. “I’m ready.”
“You wanna get hammered tonight?” He grins. “I’ll drink with you. I’m off work. Bear’s off, too. Everyone bought bottles of Tequila and bags of chips that we’ll throw up again later, so now we’re just waiting for you to get home and crack yours open.”
I shake my head. “I don’t wanna drink.” I swallow and meet his vacation eyes. “I think I’ll just go to bed. It’s been a big week with these exams. Jules wants me back on Monday. It’s time to stop being an unemployed bum.”
Standing behind my brother, Jules rubs her eight months pregnant belly and pastes on a fake grin. “You’re not unemployed, dummy. I told you the months leading in to the bar exams would be study only. No time for work. No time to scratch your butt.”
I nod. She said that. She took me off involuntary leave before it even began, only to replace it with medical leave, then grievance leave, then study leave. All paid. All with an abundance of snack food and a shoulder to cry on.
“It’s time to come back.”
“Monday.” Her eyes dig into mine. “You take today, you kick ass. We take the weekend to chill the hell out, eat chips, drink liquor. Then Monday, you work. I have a whole stack of files for you. I haven’t filed a thing in months; I’ve been saving them for you.”
I drop my eyes to my feet and snicker. My new shoes. Juliette shows her love with shoes, so as a pre-exam celebration, she gave me brand-new red-bottomed heels.
Good luck, she said. Wear them each day of the exams, because they’re good luck.
“I appreciate that, Jules. Because I so love filing.”
Stepping forward, her belly reaches me before her hands. “You’ve got this, Jess. You already know you do. Now you’ve gotta prove it. Make me proud, then we’ll discuss the Alex clause.”
Alex steps up behind her with a frown. “What’s the Alex clause?”
“She banned me from telling her about our sex life.” She places her hand over his when he cups her belly. “She said it was icky and unprofessional.”
“Our sex life?” He spins her around. “Ours? Yours and mine?”
“Uh, yeah? Who else would I gross her out with?”
“Juliette!” Blustering in a way I haven’t been privy to in months, the vein in Alex’s forehead pops. “You can’t tell my sister about my sex life! Fuck.”
“She’s fine.” Jules rolls her eyes and brushes him back. “She’s a big girl, and you’re being a baby.”
“A baby? No! You’re being wildly inappropriate!”
I turn away from the bickering couple and slide my cell phone into my back pocket. Jules says to wear the heels for good luck. I do, to humor her. But I stroke my scarred ribs for my own version of luck. Each time my fingertips brush over the rough stitching, he’s saying hey. He’s calling me a dumb blonde, telling me to watch my back, and then he’s making a dick joke.
Because he was almost as obsessed with his dick as he was with me.
I collect my keys from the side table, then plop a Cubs ball cap on my head. “I’m going. I’ll be back tonight.”
“Good luck, honey.” Alex takes me in a side hug and drops a heavy kiss on my temple. “Be good. Be great. Come out swinging.”
“You’ve been hanging with the Rollers too much.”
He chuckles and passes me along to Jules. I make my way through hugs and kisses, and when I come up empty on the end, when Laine isn’t here, I walk away from everyone else and move down the hall.
Laine and Graham have broken up. I don’t know all the details. I know only what was whispered in the hall at the police station,
so I know her relationship was shitty. I know he hurt her. I know that he still calls her every single day. And I know she cries herself to sleep every single night.
But I just don’t have the room in my soul to take on more grief.
So, like a coward, I haven’t asked.
One day, I’ll be able to look back on this time as memories we should have made. Time we should have spent together. Time for bonding, and time for healing.
But I’m not there yet.
I tap her bedroom door and poke my head in. “You awake, Baby?”
She doesn’t answer. She simply stares at the TV the way I’ve done for months whenever my family try to force me to talk.
I can respect her space.
I can respect her feelings.
“I’m going to my exam. See you tonight?”
Turning to meet my eyes, she reminds me of Kane. Dead eyes. Glittery with rage, but dead all the same.
She unmutes the TV. “Okay. Good luck.”
“Thank you.” I move across the small room and crawl onto her bed. Just for a second. Just for a hug. Lying behind her, I bring my knees up to tuck them together, then I close my eyes and pretend I’m spooning someone else.
“I love you, Jess.” She pulls my arm around to her stomach. “You’re my favorite person on this planet.”
I let out a watery laugh and press a kiss to her shoulder blade. Squeezing my eyes shut, I absorb the feeling of a tear sliding along my nose. “Thank you, Baby. Sleep good today, okay? I won’t tell you to go out and see the sun. I won’t shame you for grieving.”
She nods and tucks her chin to her chest. “Thank you.”
“Twins for life. Catch you tonight. The guys wanna get drunk, but I don’t wanna. Maybe you and I can go see Dolly. She’ll drink with us. She’ll tell us stories of all the men she bedded in Tijuana during spring break, and she won’t tell us to buck up.”