“You know exactly what’s on my mind. I’m not upset.” I had to make an effort to keep my tone even. “I’m thinking ahead to the next steps.”
“Those same things were on your mind last night and you fell asleep well enough. Was it a nightmare?”
“Danu, you’re a stubborn man!”
“And you’re a hardheaded woman. What did you dream?”
“None of your thrice-damned business.”
“It is if I caused it.” He looked grim. “Is it me? Did I bring back bad memories?”
“No.” I should have thought of that, that he’d be concerned. “Nothing to do with that. I’m over it.”
“Another untruth.”
“Okay.” I ran my hands through my hair, scratching my scalp to get my brain going. “We both know I’m not over it—but that’s not what’s bothering me. I had your typical bad dream and couldn’t go back to sleep. Not a big deal.”
“What was the dream?”
“Harlan.” The Star against my thumb was too hot to soothe. Uncertain how else to reassure him, I went to him and rubbed my palms over his chest, the muscles warm and firm under his light shirt. “It’s not you. I don’t want to rehash it. Just mental garbage.”
He slid his hands up my forearms, then covered my hands with his, holding them pressed against him. “Your sister has visions of the future—how do you know this wasn’t something like that?”
If an armored court gown and invisible monsters in the court at Ordnung lay in my future, then I’d be in for some difficult days. “Trust me, it wasn’t. Let’s go. They’ll be waiting for us.”
“For someone who outranks everyone, you are unusually concerned about people waiting for you.”
“I don’t outrank Uorsin and he’s a bear about being kept waiting,” I surprised myself by confiding. From Harlan’s sideways glance, he’d noticed the slip, too. It had never really occurred to me before how much fear of displeasing my father had shaped me that way. I didn’t understand why I’d thought to say it now. Except that Harlan drew those sorts of confessions out of me. Something I needed to be wary of.
You don’t have to face things alone, he’d said.
But, if I were to draw any meaning from that dream, it was that I’d been all alone.
In the end, I suspected I always would be.
Annfwn barely stirred as we rode out of the cliff city with Andi, Rayfe, and a small squad of Tala who looked suitably dangerous, with their blue eyes and feral movements. To my relief, Andi reported that Dafne had been happy to stay behind, setting herself the task of studying the Tala language.
“I warned her I’ve been immersed in it for nearly a year and I’m still fumbling through,” Andi told me. “It’s structured in a very different way.”
“I learned your Common Tongue, didn’t I?” Rayfe put in, with an arrogant raise of his brows, but a teasing glint in his eyes.
“Don’t start with me.” Andi didn’t bother to look at him. “You had your whole life to learn. I’ve caught up pretty well.”
“You’ve done brilliantly, my queen. As I knew you would.”
She rolled her eyes but flushed with pleasure. We rode at a fast clip, easier for the streets being mostly empty. With the sun rising behind the cliff, we remained in shadow for some time, gaining the beach and riding north. We soon passed the point Harlan and I had run to, then on farther, until we finally reached the far end of the cliff city, where Tala habitation gave way to coastal marshes and flatlands. We’d been riding too fast for conversation, so I had to wait until we broke for lunch to ask any questions. Andi had clearly not wanted to discuss much while in the city, a discretion I appreciated, though I disliked not being in on the plan.
“Do we know where we’re going?” I inquired, very politely, I thought.
Rayfe, however, glowered. Andi sighed and flicked him a quelling glance. “More or less. I know this is the correct general direction. I’m hoping that as we get closer, we’ll get more clues.”
“Going this fast,” Harlan pointed out, “does not allow for tracking.”
“No, I know that.” Andi pushed her hair back off her shoulders, then absently began braiding it, her brows drawn together in thought. Or something else. “We’re not close enough yet for that.”
Rayfe huffed with impatience. “I know you’ve seen the place we’ll find them. We should go straight there.”
“That’s only one possibility, and I don’t—” Her gaze drifted to Harlan before she drew it back in. “It’s not ideal. I want to see how events shift as we get closer.”
Something about the way she’d looked at Harlan made my blood run cold. I waited until she and I had a moment alone. “What aren’t you saying?”
“Nothing. I mean . . .” She blew out a breath. “It should be no surprise to you that danger lies ahead. There are a lot of ways this plays out and it’s not always clear which series of actions leads to which outcome. I want to go about this carefully.”
“And Rayfe doesn’t agree?”
“Rayfe is much like you.” She smiled, though it was full of exasperation. “You are both creatures of action and like to be in charge. But you’re both going to have to lump it and let me direct things for the time being. You’ll have your time.”
I studied her. “That’s why you expected me. Why you wanted my help. Not because of my tracking skills or my sword arm, but because you saw I would be here.”
She held up her palms, confessing her culpability. “Some events are more inevitable than others.”
“And Captain Harlan—was he inevitable?”
She set a hand on my arm. “You sneer, but yes. Remember that, would you?”
The mercenary sat on a driftwood log, legs stretched out as he rested, idly polishing a knife that likely needed no cleaning. Catching my glance, he smiled with easy affection and lifted the flat of his blade to his forehead.
“What does that mean?” Andi asked.
“I have no idea. Some sort of Dasnarian salute.”
“Have you seen him use it with anyone but you?”
“No.” Something that had occurred to me, also, but odd that Andi had noted it so quickly.
“Hmm.”
“What?”
“You should ask him what it means.”
“Maybe.”
She looked amused, but also concerned. “I wish you’d let him love you, Ursula. Don’t be stubborn about this.”
“I’m not stopping him, am I? The mercenary does as he pleases.”
With a sigh, she shook her head. “Just . . . have a little pity on those of us who love you, okay? It’s not always easy.”
She went to join Rayfe, leaving me to stand and wonder what she’d meant.
We rode hard all afternoon and well into the evening, breaking only at full dark to camp on the beach.
“Tomorrow,” Andi declared after we’d eaten, “we’ll turn inland, a few hours into morning. After that things will get interesting. Expect trouble.”
“How bad?” I wanted to know.
She shrugged a little. “There are many possible outcomes—some are dire, some not as terrible. I don’t see any way around it. Tomorrow marks the beginning of a difficult time for us all.”
“Then we’d best enjoy ourselves while we can.” Rayfe put an arm around Andi and the atmosphere noticeably thickened. “If you’ll excuse us. We’ll see you all in the morning.”
They went off down the beach together, and the Tala squad fell to some sort of dicing game, talking among themselves. I shook my head a little. Not that I hadn’t seen it all the time, fighters pairing off to enjoy a night of lust before battle. Contemplating my little sister having a wild night of beach sex was something else.
Harlan leaned back on his elbows, not bothering to pretend he wasn’t watching me, waiting for an indication of what I wanted. Have a little pity on those of us who love you.
Thing was, I wasn’t entirely certain of the kindest way to handle him.
“Want
to take a walk?” I asked him.
He smiled, entirely too pleased. “Always.”
“To talk,” I specified.
“We can do that.” He sprang to his feet with that agility so remarkable for his size and offered me a hand up. Keeping my hand in his, he turned us in the other direction down the beach, away from where Andi and Rayfe had gone to find privacy. Idly his thumb rubbed over the back of my hand, much as I habitually touched the Star.
“What’s that sort of salute you always give me?”
He slid me a glance. “Why do you want to know?”
I couldn’t very well say because Andi had prompted me to find out. “Just making conversation.”
“That excuse might work if you were a person who makes conversation, but you aren’t. Even with apparently idle court chitchat, you always have a goal in mind.”
“Fine.” Was the man always right? “I wondered because it occurred to me that there’s some significance to you in it. If that’s so, then I should probably know what it is.”
He stopped, framed my face in his hands, and kissed me, long and sweet, stealing my breath.
“What was that for?”
“For trusting me with an honest answer.”
“Is this a reward system?”
“Yes.” He took my hand again and resumed walking. “With the added benefit of allowing me to take pleasure in you at the same time. And I’d thought I’d better kiss you now, in case you don’t like my answer.”
Danu. I was afraid of that. That was why I hadn’t asked.
“It more of a pledge than a salute,” he said. “The Elskastholrr. It’s a way that a Dasnarian man offers himself to the woman he wishes to be with.”
“To take to bed.”
“More than that.”
“How much more?”
“A lifetime’s worth.”
I halted and he turned to face me, placid expression, battle readiness beneath. “You did not just tell me that all along you’ve been offering me some sort of marriage proposal.”
“Correct. I did not.”
I blew out a relieved breath. Became aware that he hadn’t relaxed. “What, then?”
He tucked his thumbs in his sword belt, watching me carefully. “As far as I’m concerned, I’ve pledged myself to you, forever.”
Flabbergasted, I had no words. No breath for words. “Are you out of your mind?” I finally got out. “I told you I have no idea what the future holds. Besides, you did that first only hours after we met. Danu—we hadn’t even had a real conversation at that point.”
“You have a good memory. It didn’t matter. I told you I started to fall in love the moment I watched you walk into court, kept falling as I listened to how you handled the King, and finished the job seeing you run your fighting forms. It didn’t matter to me whether you’d ever return my feelings at that point. I knew how I felt and that was enough to decide me. I belong to you—heart, mind, body, and soul—whether you choose to have me or not.”
“I don’t believe a person can fall in love that fast.”
“You don’t have to. We’re not talking about you. I knew how I felt and it was a simple decision to make.”
“Unreal,” I whispered.
He shrugged. “It’s the Dasnarian way.”
“A country full of madmen.”
“And madwomen. It makes for many a tragic ballad.”
“You laugh, but this—whatever this is between us—could end tragically.” I started striding down the beach and he paced beside me. “I never asked you for this.”
“That’s part of what makes the pledge significant. It must be freely offered, never requested.”
Which only pointed out that he’d never ask for my pledge in return. Have a little pity on those of us who love you. Andi must have sensed the import of the gesture somehow, which further fueled my ire.
“What if I choose another man, take another lover, take a hundred?”
“I’d still be pledged to you and only you.”
I hissed the impatience through my teeth. “How do you not have thousands of randy teenagers running around pledging themselves to the cutest boys and prettiest girls?” Danu, Amelia would have had most of the population of the Twelve pledged to her.
“Not everybody does it, by any stretch. You have to have passed through the kind of training I have to be . . . I don’t think you have the word. Skablykrr. To have demonstrated that you have the strength of character, judgment, and perseverance to make such a vow.”
“Oh, great.” I stopped again and threw up my hands, amazed that he had the audacity to smile at me. “Well, I seriously question your judgment in this.”
“Why?” He sobered, catching me around the waist and pulling me to him. “You are the most incredible woman I’ve ever met. I never could even imagine in my wildest dreams that there might be a woman like you in the world. Is it so impossible for you to believe I could love you as I do?”
I wished to Danu that Andi’s damnable words would quit ringing in my head. I wished I knew how to explain that, yes, I knew I was impossible to love, without sounding like a weakling begging to be reassured. Even Andi and Ami didn’t really love me—they’d simply had no one else. I understood that.
Harlan waited me out, gently stroking my back as if I were the one who’d fatally exposed herself. As if I needed soothing.
“What if I can’t ever . . . be your lover?” I finally whispered.
“You already are. A magnificent one.”
“Not fully.”
“That’s in the eye of the beholder.”
“Children. You’ll want sons someday. Every man does.”
“Not every man. I’d be delighted to father children—sons or daughters—with you, my fierce hawk, but it’s you I want, not progeny.”
“Besides, they might turn out to be shape-shifters.”
He laughed. “That would make for interesting parenting.”
I shook my head at him, amazed he could laugh. “I don’t know what to do about this.”
“How about a swim?”
I stumbled mentally. “What?”
“A swim.” He set me away from him. Unbuckled his sword belt and shucked off his shirt. “The water is warm enough and I worked up a sweat today. I’m for a swim.”
“How can you talk about swimming at a time like this?”
He sat, pulled off his boots, and glanced up at me, cocking his head. “Nothing has changed for me, Ursula. You’re the one digesting new information. And I’m reliably informed that our idyll is nearly over. Tomorrow may bring us sorrow, so I plan to enjoy paradise while I can.”
He stood, dropping his trousers so he stood naked in the shimmering starlight, all solid muscle and masculine vitality. “I won’t look, if you want to join me.” And with a whoop like the Tala children had made, he ran into the water, splashing and arcing into a clean, disciplined stroke that cleaved the water. I watched him swim for a while, with his signature bold strength.
Fine, then.
Before I realized I’d made the decision, I’d begun stripping off my own clothes, folding them neatly next to his cast-off ones. True to his promise, he didn’t turn and look as I made my way, also naked, into the water. It made my heart ache to contemplate what he’d given up for me, would continue to miss out on, because of me. All of my jibes about purchased loyalty and he’d, without a word, given me loyalty of the deepest, most unquestioning kind.
He’d asked nothing of me, and that’s exactly what I’d given him.
The water lapped warm around my ankles, slowly rising as I waded in, feeling my way along the soft, sandy bottom. When I judged it deep enough, I dove under, letting the water close over my head and bathe me with the sweet salt of Annfwn’s tropical sea. Rising, I sleeked my hair back with my hands and swam to where Harlan stood shoulder deep in the lazy swells, gazing out to the horizon.
“Gorgeous, isn’t it?” he said. “Now that Dafne stirred my memory, I recall tales, here and there,
of a paradise like this. I’d never heard it called Annfwn, but the stories described it as such. If only all the world could have what the Tala have, without destroying this.”
“Even the Tala have their problems. Food and sunshine don’t solve everything.”
“No.” He raised his eyebrows as I moved in front of him, gaze dipping to my bare breasts, which floated at the surface while I softly treaded water. “But it goes a long way to eliminating some of the worst ones.”
I put my hands on his shoulders. “I’m not tall enough to stand here.”
“We can go shallower.”
“That’s all right—just hold me.”
He gave me a delighted smile, wrapping his arms around me and spreading his feet to more firmly brace against the movement of the gentle swells. I pressed against him, the shock of full-body, skin-to-skin contact rocketing through me, sparking that fire he kindled in me. It affected him, too, and he hummed deep in his chest, hands roving over my back, hips and bottom, his cock already erect and urgent against my belly.
“You are so beautiful, Ursula,” he murmured, an extension of the pleased sound he made. “Sleek and long and impossibly lovely. So full of courage. Don’t blame me for loving you—I never had a chance.”
“I still think you’re crazy.”
“I know that. I hate that it’s so hard for you to believe. But I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life convincing you, if necessary.”
I kissed him. Draped against him and steadied by those strong hands that never failed me, I lavished him with the best kiss I knew how to deliver. I’d improved at the skill, knowing now how he liked it when I ran my tongue inside his upper lip, how it increased his desire when I softened my mouth and opened for him to kiss me harder, a kind of plundering I delighted in allowing. The fire burned hotter, making my heart thunder, and I had to tear my mouth away to gasp in breath.
He simply moved his lips to my jaw, nipping there and laving the sting with his tongue, making me dig my nails into his flexing shoulders. Following the line of my throat, his mouth burned my skin, sizzling my blood, making me go wet and hot.
He lifted me, raising me out of the water to lavish my breasts with his tongue, and I let him hold me there, exulting in his strength, letting my head fall back so the dazzling array of stars filled my vision just as he filled that cold emptiness in my heart.
The Twelve Kingdoms Page 28