I was turning angry at his attack. “Why is it really that you don’t want me to talk to them? Afraid I might say something to let them know you’ve been seeing me? Well you don’t have to worry, I didn’t tell them anything. Your secret’s safe. They don’t think we’re in love, or anything crazy like that. So relax.”
His mouth fell open in shock. “Lily, is that what you think? You think I don’t want them to know about you? Listen to me.” He grabbed my shoulders firmly, but unyielding. “If that were the case I wouldn’t be here right now. They’re right out front. They saw me come in. The only concern I have is for your safety. I can’t be here all the time to protect you. I need to know you’re safe.” He had so much passion in his eyes I couldn’t doubt his sincerity.
“Okay, okay, you’re right, I’m sorry. I know you have experience in this situation, and I believe you. I just choose to believe, in this case, that they’ll make the right choice and print the truth.”
“Lily, I know it’s in your nature to see the best in people, and I love that about you, but in this case you have to trust my judgment. Please promise me you’ll stay away from them.” His tone was slightly desperate and it confused me.
“Fine. I’ll try—okay?”
“I think there was once a wise, old man named Yoda who said, ‘Do or do not—there is no try’,” he smirked.
“Lucas Lavender—you surprise me.”
“I guess you’re rubbing off on me. Now, do you promise?”
“Okay, I promise. I’ll stay away from them from now on.”
He sighed in relief and leaned down and kissed my forehead. “Thank you. I know I shouldn’t be surprised that you would feed the enemy and try to make friends, but you never seize to amaze me.” He chuckled.
“I’m glad I amuse you. Now, are you hungry?”
“Starving, but please tell me you saved some of the truffles for me.”
“Of course. I always give you my best. Oh, by the way, have you returned Randall’s calls yet?”
“Um no, I’m not quite ready yet. But I’ll talk to him eventually.”
“Well, don’t wait too long or he might change his mind.”
“That’s a chance I’m willing to take. You know, I have a best chap that I grew up with back in London, Nicholas, or Nick, as he likes to be called now that he’s grown. He would never try to take my girl.”
“Oh, is that what I am? Your girl?” I smiled widely.
“You know what I mean,” he said, turning an adorable shade of red.
“Yeah, I know what you mean. Now let’s eat dinner before it gets cold, then I’ll get angry and your good opinion of me will be ruined forever.”
“Oh, I think that’s impossible.” He smiled, running his hand through his hair.
Chapter Seven
Our last night together was bitter sweet. I enjoyed it immensely, but the underlying feeling of sadness and dread tainted the evening. I could tell Lucas was being affected as well. He was a bit more quiet and subdued, and a few times I noticed that his mind appeared to be drifting to another place. As we snuggled he seemed to hold me tighter, his hugs were longer, his kisses more frequent and slightly painful even. And the goodnight kiss was the most painful of all and not in the physical sense, but painful because unlike all I had tried to avoid, my heart was breaking. I found that after he left I actually cried.
Jane had been calling him for three days trying to get him to come back early. I guess the craziness was piling up for him back in L.A.
He told me he wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye, so I wasn’t surprised to see his car pull around to the back of the house early the next morning. I was in the garden cutting roses to make a bouquet. Something I had thought would cheer me up. I was wrong.
“Good morning, Lily,” he greeted.
I pulled my gloves off and laid them, along with the roses, at my feet as he approached.
“Good morning, Lucas.” As I spoke the words, my heart filled with heaviness and dread.
“You look lovely,” he said, eyeing my yellow sundress and the yellow rose tucked behind my ear. “Like sunshine. Um, I just came to say goodbye.” He sighed, running his hand through his hair in exasperation. “What am I doing? I can’t do this! I can’t say goodbye to you! Sunshine—that’s what you’ve been to me these last two weeks! How can I say goodbye to that?!” He turned his back on me for a few seconds before turning back to face me. “Come with me, Lily.” His voice was urgent. “Come to L.A. with me, please.”
My mouth fell open in shock. His words were the last thing I expected. I swallowed hard and tried to steady my heartbeat. “Lucas, I’m flattered that you would even ask, but I can’t go to L.A. with you. My mom—my home, they’re all here. That life isn’t for me. The truth is I would die there.”
He let out a deep breath and lowered his head sadly. “I know.”
“Lucas, Hollywood is not for me, and to be honest, I don’t think it’s for you either. Stay—stay here with me.”
“I can’t stay, Lily. Don’t you think I’ve thought about that? I’ve been up all night thinking. I’ve got responsibilities, obligations I have to meet. I wish things were different, but—I guess there’s no way this can work. I can’t figure out a way. It seems we were doomed from the word hello.”
“I think we both knew it could never work out for us. Our worlds are just too different, and so far apart.”
“Can I call you?”
“No. I don’t want you to call me. It’ll just make things harder.”
He nodded. “Thank you for making these last two weeks the best of my life and—take care of yourself, Lily.” He leaned down and pressed his lips gently to my forehead. Taking my face in his hands, he met my gaze intently. “I’ll miss you.”
As I gazed up into his smoldering greenish-gray eyes, the words I’m already gone came flooding my soul. With that realization, despair gripped my heart and squeezed. Tears flooded my eyes to the point where I could barely see him. “I’ll miss you too, Lucas.”
He lowered his hands, turned, and walked slowly to his car. When he reached for the door handle something compelled me forward, and I ran to him. “Lucas,” I cried. He turned instinctively and caught me as I flung my arms around his neck. Urgently his lips crushed mine as he buried his hands in my hair. I’ve never felt such strong emotion in a kiss, nor ever witnessed it. Our lips were memorizing each other one last time as the passion flowed between us. It would be a kiss neither of us could ever forget. As it slowly ended his eyes were pained as he studied the tears in mine. He reached up and gently wiped my cheek.
I wanted to say something meaningful to make him stay, but the only words that came out were, “I’ll never forget you, Lucas Lavender.”
He had strong emotion on his face but said nothing. He just nodded, slowly releasing me. He opened his car door and slid in, glancing at me one last time before backing out. It seemed as if his eyes held tears as well, but I couldn’t be sure.
I watched in agony as his car slowly left my driveway. My eyes trailed longingly after him until there was no longer any trace of him. The despair was so heavy I crumbled under the weight of it. I grabbed the rose from my hair and threw it to the ground as deep sobs escaped me. I ran into the house, up the stairs, into my bedroom where I collapsed on my bed, weeping uncontrollably. I remained there for the rest of the day. It turned dark. The phone rang many times, but I didn’t answer it. Nothing seemed to matter anymore—nothing.
Finally, Meagan entered my room, taking a seat beside me on the bed and comforting me while I cried. I eventually fell asleep from pure exhaustion but didn’t sleep well. It felt like a dark cloud was hovering over me.
When I woke in the morning and awareness dawned, the pain returned, along with the tears. My heart was tormented by the memories of the two weeks we shared, and those images suddenly flashed before me; his bashful smile on our first meeting, our first kiss, the way he ran his hand nervously through his messy hair, his sweet laugh, the dimples
in the corners of his lips when he smiled, the way he absentmindedly played with the strands of my hair, his adorable anger when I fed the paparazzi, the way he protected me from Randall, and our nights cuddling on the sofa watching Star Wars. It was all too much to bear and the pain consumed me.
I got in the shower, hoping it would help and it did, but once I shut the water off the ache in my heart returned.
Meagan was in the kitchen making us breakfast when I entered. “Wow, you look awful. I think you need to stay home today.”
“I can’t. I have to meet Aaron at the fabric store. The fabric I ordered still hasn’t arrived. They want us to pick out an alternative in case it doesn’t come in on time. I only have two more weeks. I don’t have time for self pity.”
“Okay, well do you have time for breakfast?”
“No, I can’t eat anything right now, but thanks for trying.”
“When was the last time you ate anything?”
“I don’t remember.”
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“It doesn’t matter—he’s gone.” My voice broke on the last word. “I’ve got to go.” I grabbed my things and headed out the door before she could ask more.
When I cranked the car, the radio was on and the Leona Lewis song Better in Time was playing. As soon as I heard it I could no longer hold back the tears. I quickly turned the radio off and laid my head against the steering wheel and cried heavily, despair winning once again.
It took about ten minutes before I could gain control of the tears, but I drove out of the driveway trying to refocus on the task before me.
“Lily, Lily,” Aaron called.
“Huh?”
“Have you heard anything I just said?” she asked, clearly annoyed. “What’s wrong with you today, anyway?”
“I just didn’t sleep well. I’m fine, please continue,” I urged, trying harder to pay attention and not seem so aloof.
I knew she was talking, but I just couldn’t wrap my mind around any of her words. Nothing made sense to me. It was as if she was speaking another language. Then, all of a sudden, things blurred and the room began to spin.
“Lily, are you all right? Lily? Lily!”
Then I collapsed . . .
When I opened my eyes, Aaron and two other women were standing over me.
“Oh, thank God you’re okay. I was so worried,” Aaron said.
“What happened?”
“You fainted. How do you feel now?”
“I’m okay,” I said, pulling myself to a sitting position. “I just haven’t eaten today. I’ll be fine.”
“Well, I called Meagan on your speed dial, and she’ll be here soon to take you home. Josh and I are going to drop your car off at your house later.”
“No, you don’t have to do that. I can drive myself home.”
“It’s too late. Meagan will be here any minute. Besides, it’s no trouble at all. After all you’ve done for me it’s the least I can do.”
“Thank you,” was all I could say.
When we got home, I went straight to bed, not even bothering take off my clothes, and stayed there for the rest of the day.
Sunday was pretty much the same. I stayed in bed all day, didn’t go to church, and didn’t even go see my mom. I just couldn’t bear to be around people, to pretend that everything was okay. I’d never felt this kind of pain before. Sorrow had seeped into the very marrow of my bones and left me aching all over. I now understand why they call it a broken heart because at that very moment it literally felt like my heart was torn in two separate pieces. As crazy as it sounds it’s almost like my soul had met its match and now that he was gone it was half of what it was before.
I wondered if anyone else had ever felt such pain. At that moment, it felt like I was the only one—suffering alone. Would I ever be myself again? I knew the answer to that, but somehow it just didn’t seem possible.
There was no way for me to doubt any longer that I was deeply and desperately in love with Lucas Lavender. But there was also no way for me to know how he felt about me. After all, he left me. It felt hopeless, the heaviness in my heart so overwhelming I couldn’t even breathe, and yet, I knew my God could work it out. But I couldn’t seem to find my way to the surface—even to pray.
I was lying in my bed with a box of tissues by my side when Meagan entered. “I brought you a cup of hot chocolate just like your mom use to make us when we were little.” She curled up in bed with me as we sipped on our hot mugs. “I miss your mom. She would know what to do for you in a time like this.” She paused and took a few sips of her steaming drink. “Remember when we use to take turns sliding down the stairs in the laundry basket and your mom had to repaint the back of the front door because we marked it up so bad from slamming into it. She was so mad at us.” We both laughed at the memory.
“Yeah, and remember when we use to take bubble baths in her giant claw-foot tub and soaked the floor so badly she had to retile it. She was not happy about that.”
“When we got together we sure did know how to anger her,” she continued. “We’ve shared a lot of memories together, haven’t we? Remember that time you fell out of Miss Pearl and broke your arm?” Miss Pearl is the name I gave the giant tree in my backyard.
“I didn’t fall out of that tree, you pushed me.”
“Serves you right for calling me Pagan.”
“Well, if the shoe fits. Listen Meg, I know what you’re trying to do, and I appreciate it, but this is nothing like a broken arm. I’m not sure this is something I can heal from.”
“I know it feels that way now, but you will, and I’ll do whatever I can to help you.”
I glanced at her and tears filled my eyes. Meagan has always been there for me, and it warmed my heart to know this time was no different. I can always count on her. “I love him, Meagan. Why did he have to leave me?”
She laid down her mug and pulled me into her arms. “He loves you too, Lily. He just doesn’t know what to do about it yet. When the pain gets too great he’ll figure out a way. Then he’ll be back.”
I raised my head to gaze at her, my face wet with fresh tears. “Do you really believe that?”
“Of course. He’d be a fool to let someone like you get away. Besides, I saw the way he looked at you, like he was a little boy afraid of the dark and you were his only source of light. And the way he always stayed so close to you, like you were his lifeline or something. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. He’ll be back, once his pain gets too hard to bear, you’ll see.”
“Thanks, Meg. I’m glad you’re here with me.”
“Where else would I possibly be?”
The days passed in a blur, but eventually I began to become aware of my surroundings. It was Meagan who pulled me out completely one morning as she stomped angrily into my bedroom.
“Okay, that does it! You’ve been lying around here for days now, moping, not eating, and crying all the time. It’s time for you to wake up and get back into life. Okay, you have a broken heart, and I know you’re hurting. I get it, but I can’t just sit here, day after day, and watch you suffer. I love you too much for that.
“Now, you’ve got a wedding to plan and only a little over a week to do it. Aaron keeps calling here, and she’s really starting to panic. She says she promises not to be any more trouble if you’ll come back. I told her you were sick, but I don’t know what else to tell her. I’ll be glad to help you, but you’ve got to get up so we can get to work.” She sat down on the bed beside me, took my hand in hers, and looked intently into my eyes. “Lily, she’s counting on you.”
That statement alone brought me back, and I snapped up, went swiftly into the bathroom, and got in the shower. I came out with a new resolve and determination to give the wedding my one hundred percent attention. “This will be the best wedding I’ve planned so far,” I declared.
I used the newfound motivation to keep my days so full I hardly had time to breathe let alone dwell on missing Lucas.
>
It worked wonderfully until the Wednesday before the wedding. I was checking my mail when I came across an envelope with only my name typed on it. There was no stamp, so someone must’ve physically put it in my mailbox. I opened the envelope and pulled out a page from a magazine. I unfolded it and saw a small article and above it a picture. As I studied it, I quickly recognized Lucas. He was sitting in a café talking to an attractive woman.
“Great, just what I needed,” I murmured. “I was just starting to make progress and now this. Who could’ve sent this to me anyway?”
As I studied the photo closely, I noticed that Lucas didn’t particularly look happy. Actually, neither did the woman. Were they having an argument? It almost looked like it. I don’t know if that made me feel better or worse. After all, he would have to know her pretty well to argue with her.
No matter what the case, it seemed as if he had clearly moved on. Dwelling on that thought made me angry and the motivation returned. If he could move on, so could I. I had work to do, and so I pushed the pain aside and got busy. I knew the pain would be there waiting for me when the wedding was over—but that was another day.
Chapter Eight
The wedding was extraordinarily beautiful, and, just like I thought, it was the best wedding I’d planned thus far. The final days were hectic, but it all pulled together rather nicely. And, I had to admit, I was quite happy with myself.
As it came to a close, however, I found myself struggling with an unfamiliar emotion, that of envy. As I watched Aaron and Josh say their vows, and witnessed again their love for each other, I longed for what they had. No matter what else happened they had their love, and they knew it. I wanted to feel that certainty, and more importantly, I wanted to feel it with Lucas.
The wedding was over, the guests were gone, everything was cleaned up and taken away, but the pain was there—waiting to swallow me just like I knew it would be. I could try to resist it, but I knew it was useless. I was far too gone for that.
When I got home, I was exhausted. I put my things down on the bar and glanced to the answering machine. The light was blinking. I pushed the button and my heart jumped in my chest at the sound of Lucas’ voice. “Lily, call me when you get this message. I need to talk to you.”
Loving Lily Lavender Page 7