“No he wouldn’t.” Chad handed it to me.
Unable to resist, I flipped through the pages and pulled in my bottom lip. It held the entire timeline I had with Giovanni. When I reached the blank pages meant for tour photos, I couldn’t move for a few seconds. Then I glanced at the new tattoo on my upper arm. It was two black drumsticks with red shadows to blend in with my scar. Manny did an amazing job.
Chad had the same tattoo, as did all the members of our new band, Phil included. We had not come up with a new name yet, but we decided not to keep either of the previous band’s names.
I set the photo album on my other side and peered into the bin. “You put a box of condoms in there?”
“Uh.” Chad shrugged. “Wasn’t sure if you wanted to use them or toss them.”
“Doesn’t matter.”
He put them on the coffee table. “Keep pile.”
“This is too.” I patted the book next to me.
He lifted a smaller container. “I put toys in here.” He opened it and grinned. “Can we use these handcuffs?”
“On you, yeah.” I winked at him.
He cocked an eyebrow. “Sounds like fun.” He sorted through the box some more. “Uh… the vibrator? Yours or his?”
I burst into laughter. “Did you just ask me that?”
“You never know.” Chad put a hand up. “I’m sure there’s lotsa things I don’t know about him.”
I sighed. “It’s mine. He wouldn’t let me use it on him.”
“Thank God for that, or it’s in the junk pile.” He shook his head. “If you like toys, I can buy you new ones.”
Unsure, I shrugged. What Chad and I had was quite different. Chad handed me a few framed photos. I set those in the keep pile. My jewelry box was next. Keep. There were some sheet music and pages of lyrics in a folder. Nothing important. Just ramblings that I meant to toss but never got the nerve to. I put it on the floor.
“What’s that?” Chad’s eyebrows rose.
I sighed. “Just me venting. You know how I am. It’s just gibberish mostly.”
“You sure?”
With a smile, I replied, “Yeah. I’m not confused anymore.”
He lifted it and read a page. “This is about me?”
My eyes closed as my cheeks reddened. “I guess.”
“Why can’t I resist him? He’s all I want. My mind keeps spinning. This is so wrong.” Chad laid a hand on mine. “This is how you felt?”
“It doesn’t even rhyme.” I couldn’t look at him.
He sighed. “That’s not what I said. This whole time… you were drawn to me?”
“You know I was.”
He moved closer and put an arm around my shoulders. “Did you write about me a lot?”
I hadn’t shared those songs with him for a reason. “Yes.” If he knew about them, he would have fought for me. “I thought I was crazy, always wanting you. It kinda makes sense now. But it was unfair to Giovanni.”
“No.” He lifted my face and kissed my lips. “You can’t help who you love. No matter what, you loved him. I knew it. He knew it. Hell, we all knew it. Just because you loved me too doesn’t make it wrong. It just was.”
I grabbed his shirt and buried my face in his chest. It still got to me that I had feelings for them both but had to choose. How many got to be with both in the end? I was lucky in so many ways, and I knew it. Some days though, it was hard to remember that.
“Something wrong?” Chris’ voice startled me.
My head snapped up. “Huh? Oh, yeah. I’m fine.” I sniffled and lay my head on Chad’s shoulder. “Just sorting through my things.”
“Ah.” Chris smiled. “Tommy’s outside. Jon and Dominic are on their way. Do you wanna postpone this? They’d understand.”
I shook my head. “No. I’ll be fine.” I struggled for a few seconds to sit up straight and did it without help. It zapped more energy to do things on my own, but I needed to.
Tommy walked in without a knock. “’Sup.” He approached the couch. “Packing?”
“Unpacking,” Chad explained.
With a nod, Tommy peered into the bin. “I meant to ask you about this.” He pulled out a spiral bound notebook. “This is full of lyrics. You wrote these?”
Shocked, I stared at the unfamiliar book. “Uh, no. Mine are here.” I pointed to the floor. “Where’d you find that?”
“On the top shelf in your bedroom closet.” Tommy opened the book. “Makes more sense Giovanni wrote this stuff. Some of it’s kinda mushy. Bet most of it’s about you.” He flipped through a few pages. “He wanted you bad. One’s about fuckin’ you in your sleep. Hot.”
Chad snatched it from him. “Don’t get her worked up again.”
“Sorry.” Tommy knelt on the floor. “There were more though.”
The door opened again. “Hey!” Jon shouted as he walked in trailed by Dominic. “Whatcha guys doin’?”
“Crystal’s looking through her things.” Chad got to his feet and walked down the hall with the notebook. When he came back, he sat next to me again. “We can finish this later.”
I shrugged, unsure I could continue anyway.
“Weren’t there a few lose ones in there too?” Tommy started to dig in the bin again. He pulled out a folded sheet of paper. “This one’s real good.” He unfolded it.
My mouth dropped at his audacity. Those were my things. Mine and Giovanni’s. I was speechless though. He read the page, and I fought tears. It wasn’t mine, so it had to be Giovanni’s.
“Which one of you was an addict?” Tommy glanced up. “This is serious stuff.”
Chad stiffened next to me. I knew he wouldn’t break Giovanni’s confidence even after his death. It wasn’t my place to say anything either. After a minute, I remembered Giovanni wrote something a few days after Chad had told me about his overdose. Suddenly, I wanted to read it.
“Let me see.” I put out a hand.
My hand shook when Tommy gave it to me. The title was “Losing Myself.” I read the entire song. Tears built. He put it all out there. The road from his first hit to the struggle for his life was difficult to take in. I felt the pain. No wonder he hid it from me.
“Ironic huh?” Tommy asked which drew my attention. Everyone stared at him. “What? You don’t get it?”
Dominic frowned. “No.”
“Weird how things like that happen.” Tommy looked around.
Chad leaned forward. “No one knows what you mean.”
“Seriously?” Tommy let out a short laugh. Then his expression turned serious. “Sorry.” He took a few deep breaths. “Giovanni was killed by an addict. It’s sad, but so weird.”
Jon exhaled loudly. “Why, Tom?”
“It’s OK.” I understood that he didn’t mean any harm by it. He just pointed out something no one even thought of. Then my eyes widened. “No one found the other one, right?” I shifted forward and tried to reach the bin. “Damn it,” I muttered to myself. I wanted to be independent already.
Chad lifted me up and set me on the floor. “The other one what?”
“This?” Tommy had pulled another sheet of paper from small box.
I swiped at it. “Gimme that.”
Tommy laughed. “Let me see first.” He got to his feet and smiled as he read. “Sappy, but good.” He handed it to Jon.
Jon read it as well. “This is really good. When did you write this?”
I scowled at them. “I didn’t write it.” I pulled my bottom lip in. “Giovanni wrote that.” A single tear fell from my eye. “He gave it to me for Christmas. I didn’t want you guys to see it. I didn’t want anyone to see it.”
“Why?” Jon passed it to Dominic. “It’s beautiful. Can we write music to it? We’ll credit Giovanni. He could live on through it.”
I fought the sob that threatened. The song was too personal. I couldn’t share it. “I don’t know if I can handle it.” How can I let anyone hear it? It was the last song he’ll ever write. My chest constricted. It was too personal. I co
uldn’t let it go. My eyes closed, and I imagined Giovanni at his drums as he sang the song to me. Although in life he couldn’t hold a tune, in my mind he had the voice of an angel.
Tommy knelt next to me. “I could play the bass for it. You could just listen if it’s too emotional for you.” He placed a hand on my arm. “I think he’d love it.”
Dominic added, “This is a good song to introduce the piano. I just hope I can capture his feelings.”
My tears came faster. They planned how to write music for Giovanni’s song. They can’t do that. It’s mine. Anxiety built. The words were too personal, too much to hear out loud. No!
Chad moved to the floor and held me in his arms. “It’d keep Giovanni’s memory alive forever,” he whispered in my ear. “He’ll be part of this band that way. Look into your heart. What’s it tell you?”
I closed my eyes. Memories flashed by as they often did. Can I handle them doing this? Is it wrong? Giovanni, what do I do?
Within seconds, Giovanni appeared. “Go ahead. Do it. Tell the world how much I love you.”
I shivered because I felt as if he were really there. Unconsciously, I reached out, but he disappeared. When I opened my eyes, Chad stared into them. They held so much love that I wanted to cry. My decision was made.
“OK, but you can’t change the words… at all.” I pursed my lips and hoped to hold it together.
Chad pulled me close. “Anything you want, baby.”
“This seals it.” Jon sat on the loveseat. “This album’ll be dedicated to him. I know we all have heart-felt songs brewing.” He grabbed the photo album and smiled. “You guys had a lotta fun together.” Suddenly he stared. “Damn. Chad, can we use this?” He turned the book to Chad, as he pointed to a picture of Giovanni’s tattooed back. “This could make an awesome album cover.”
With a smile Chad nodded. “That one came out good. He didn’t wanna forget what it meant.”
“You knew?” I shoved Chad a bit. “He told you why he got it but not me?”
Chad shrugged. “You know how he was. Need to know in a way. He was terrified of you finding out, and you know it.”
“True.” I closed my eyes and lay my head on his chest again.
Jon sighed. “Have any of you thought of band names?”
I glanced up, grateful for the subject change. “No.”
“What d’ ya think of Wounded Hearts?” Jon’s gaze fell on each one of us in turn. “It kinda explains us, at least right now. We’re all still reeling from this… from all of it. Any thoughts?”
Dominic smiled. “I like it.”
“It’s memorable.” Tommy nodded.
Chad hugged me. “I’m good with it. You?” He nuzzled my neck. “You like it?”
“Yeah.” I felt it was fitting. With the abrupt urge to empty my bladder, I pushed away from Chad. “I’ll be right back.” I had used Chad then the couch, before I walked a few feet. Suddenly, I felt weird. My eyes rolled back.
“You OK?” Chad had me in his arms again.
I blinked at him. “Oh… Yeah. My knee gave out.” My heart pounded. What the fuck was that? One second I was on my feet. Then I was on the floor. Oh my God. I fainted. It must be from the anxiety. “I’m fine.”
He helped me up and put my hands on the couch. “Stay right there. You need the damn crutch if you insist on walking alone.”
Dominic leaned toward me and whispered, “Why’d you lie?”
“He’ll worry. I’m fine.” I should have known I couldn’t hide it from him.
A hand on my side, Dominic quietly asked, “When’s your next doctor’s appointment?”
“I have physical therapy tomorrow.” I moved away. I didn’t want to think about it.
“No.” Dominic turned me to look at him. “A doctor. You should get looked at. You been exhausted.”
I rolled my eyes. “You would be too.”
“Don’t give me that bullshit.” Dominic glared at me. “I broke both my damn legs. I know how hard this is. Are you sleeping good?
I sighed. “Not really. Some nights I dream about the accident.”
“That part sucks.” He checked for Chad then continued, “Take the sleeping pills. They’ll keep the nightmares away.”
Chapter 49
Phil walked back into the garage with an armload of soda cans several hours later. He had a mischievous look on his face. I looked down and tried not to grin. His cock strained against his jeans, at full attention. Then Hailey appeared behind him. She too wore a sly smirk. I didn’t know she planned to come over.
After Phil set the cans on a table, he turned around. “Can we finish that? Please?”
“Hmmm…” Hailey glanced at Tommy. I caught a nod. “Come on.” Phil followed her like a lost puppy. He almost drooled over Tommy’s girlfriend.
My mouth dropped. I knew they had an open relationship, but right in front of Tommy? I worried he faked that he was OK with it, so I leaned toward him next to me. “You let her mess around anytime?”
“Yeah.” He bent down and moved his mouth to my ear. “I can do the same… if Chad lets us. It’s just sex.” He breathed in my ear. “She came over to see you, but we’re still working.” His hand brushed my arm. “She texted me from the living room. Technically, she asked permission to blow Phil. He needs it. The guy’s been a pain in my ass for the last hour.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. Neither Chad nor Giovanni would be good with me being with anyone anytime. They both had rules in a way. I doubted I could be so blatant about it either. Anytime another man touched me, I became nervous that my man would be angry. Phil had tried to come on to me when drunk once, and I thwarted him, unsure Chad would agree. Before Paulie joined Main Street, he had done the same, sober. That was before I was engaged to Chad though. Since then he rarely visited. We still chatted online though.
“You with us?”
A hand waved in front of my face. I blinked a few times. I didn’t realize I zoned out. “Uh, sorry.”
“Try and hold it.” Chad set my acoustic guitar on my lap.
I grabbed the neck and swung my right arm around the body. My elbow was still a bit stiff, as was my wrist. Chad knelt in front of me and helped me move my hand into place. Then he pulled the pick from his mouth and put it between my fingers. Nervously I strummed. It was not fluid, but I did it. I changed the chord and strummed again. Better.
“You just need to practice,” he assured me. “Once your fingers are used to it again, you’ll be back to playing like a guitar goddess again.” He met my teary eyes. “I believe in you.”
Encouraged, I continued to play random chords until I felt a bit comfortable. It was still awkward in a way, but I could feel that would pass. It was the first time I was sure I would be back to normal one day. For so long I dreaded I’d be broken forever.
“Try this.” Tommy thrust out his bass.
Chad carefully took the acoustic from me and helped me hold Tommy’s blue bass. It was heavier. “Whoa.” He cringed when I couldn’t support its weight.
“OK. Helping you.” Tommy sat at my feet and held onto the bottom of the guitar. “Don’t break my baby.”
I smiled, since I knew it was his favorite bass. “I’ll be careful.” I flexed the fingers of my right hand and got my left hand in place. After I set the pick on my thigh, I fingered the strings slowly. “This is much easier.” A pick required more wrist action. “Maybe I can play today.”
Chad took Tommy’s bass and gave me mine. That was much better. He adjusted the strap and plugged in into an amp. The lighter body made it easier for me to control.
The song we had worked on that day, “Falling Under,” was a collaborative effort. All of us had random lyrics written, just bits of feelings. We shared them as therapy of sorts. Then Jon pieced a bunch of them together and Chris organized them into a song.
“Chad, sing the first verse,” Jon said as he sat behind a scaled down drum kit. He had several sets. “Just once.”
With a scowl, Chad folde
d his arms over his chest. “How many times do I gotta tell you I can’t sing?”
I glanced up at him as he stood over me, with his guitar on. “Sing for me?”
“Don’t pull that card.” Chad sighed. “Not fair.” He walked away and grabbed a hair band from a shelf against the wall. “I play, I don’t sing.” He gathered his hair into a ponytail. Then his shoulders sagged.
Since I wanted to hear him sing, I pouted. “Please.”
“Fine.” Chad groaned and plugged his guitar into an amp. “Don’t you guys laugh.”
He took a deep breath and started the soulful intro. It was something he had worked on for weeks. He didn’t expect it to go so well with the song. However, it was perfect. It led into Dominic’s soft chords. Tommy and I played different octaves but the same notes, while Jon started a gentle rhythm. It all built into a crescendo.
Then Chad started to sing, “Darkness surrounds me every day. Nothing will ever be the same. Can’t wrap my head around the insanity. Please tell me who’s to blame.” The lyrics were still a work in progress, but at least they rhymed. He continued through the next verse, and no one stopped him.
Chris joined him for the chorus. “Feels like I’m falling under. I can’t continue on living this way. There has to be a way outta here. I’ll drown if I decide to stay.”
I watched Chad in awe; sure he didn’t realize he still sang. He was so into the song, his eyes had glazed over. His voice was even better than I remembered. It was the first time he sang strong and not timidly.
“Ho—ly shit!” Jon cried out when the music had faded. “Chad… Damn. No offense, Chris. But, Chad, that was incredible.”
Chris grinned. “I agree. You can fuckin’ sing, man.”
“Fuck,” Chad mumbled and blushed profusely. “Stop teasin’ me.”
Tommy set his bass on a stand. “They’re not. That was awesome.”
“It was.” Hailey stood in the doorway and leaned on the frame. “Sexy voice.” She winked at Chad. “I’d love to hear more.”
Phil stumbled into the garage. “Yeah. Sounded great.” He sat in the first chair and sighed.
I glanced at Tommy and waited for a jealous reaction. There was none. Their relationship confused me. You could tell that they cared about each other, but there was also a distance. It seemed they both feared they would get too close. Since I knew Tommy, it made sense. He had struggled while I lived with him. I felt his need for more than just sex. It was something I couldn’t give him, but he pushed it as far as I allowed.
Dual Desires (Triple Threat Book 3) Page 41