I forced myself not to cringe. Forced myself to let go of the panic that tried to attach itself to my last name like some sort of disease. So what if he used to call me that all the time as if it gave me less meaning, as if he associated my first name with those he would have loved to separate me from. It hadn’t worked then. It damn sure wasn’t going to haunt me now.
While I was steady on my feet, climbing into Slade’s truck was more than I was up for. Slade cussed low under his breath before saying, “Put your arm around my neck.”
I did as he asked, and he lifted me up and set me down on the seat. The seatbelt clicked into place before the door was gently closed. I took my first real breath and released it.
We no sooner cleared the parking lot of the hospital when I released the seatbelt, moved a few inches closer to Slade, and lowered myself until my head rested on his thigh.
His hand came off the steering wheel, hovering somewhere over my head, and then rested lightly on my hip as he asked, “You okay?”
I closed my eyes and soaked up the heat coming from his hand. “I haven’t been this okay in a long time.”
I heard the catch in his breath. Felt the way his hand tensed briefly on my hip. But then his whole body relaxed, contented sigh matching mine.
Chapter 19
Slade
It had been a long time since I’d slept under the roof of the big house. The sounds were still the same at night—the creak of joints settling in as if they were finally getting a rest, the clang of the old pipes, and the soft ticking of the grandfather clock down the hall. It gave a soft bong announcing each hour, and I counted them out until it quieted. Midnight.
I’d laid in bed for three hours, staring up at the ceiling and listening as Gracen slept across the hall. She’d been exhausted at dinner. Hardly able to keep her eyes open as she ate. Lucy had nudged her elbow when Gracen listed in her chair, and then moved closely beside her when I walked her to her room and helped her get ready for bed.
I’d held back my anger when I saw her completely for the first time. The bruising. The ugly reminders of what happened to her when I’d left her alone. When I’d all but handed her over to Clint. It was almost more than I could bear.
She’d smiled at me then. Touching my face, she brought her fingers along the bottom of my lip and gave her head a small shake as she said, “You’re home now. Nothing else matters.”
I’d helped her into a pair of fuzzy pants and a soft shirt that did nothing to conceal the slopes of her breasts, but it was different looking at her in that moment. Sure, the desire was there, but it was banked by the need to see her safe. To protect her from any more harm. She would heal, and then we would move on, picking up where we’d left off. There wasn’t any reason to rush, and even more reason to take it slow.
There was something to be said about being a patient man. A man’s head held common sense-things. The values that are ingrained in a man to make him who he should be. The body, however, didn’t much care for the brains way of thinking. It wanted closeness, completion. To slake the desperate need for the touch of another, and the healing it would receive from those touches. It wanted everything the brain denied, which made for a warring of the two.
I was caught in that particular crossfire. I wanted Gracen’s body flush with my own. Wanted to feel the warmth of her skin pebble under the tips of my fingers. I wanted to feel her breath on my neck as I settled over her. Need clawed through me as I shifted under the covers, seeking a more comfortable position.
Across the hall, the bedframe squeaked as Gracen moved. It was torture. Pure and simple.
I squeezed my eyes closed as tight as they would go and forced myself to think about everything that needed my attention on the ranch. Stalls first thing in the morning, and then talking to the hands about keeping a close eye on everything. Clint would have to be a very stupid man to hang out after what he’d done, but then again, putting his hands on Gracen the way he had proved he wasn’t very smart to begin with. Then I’d ride along the south pasture to check the fence while Lex kept Gracen company.
There were always a million things to do on a ranch. And I couldn’t just shirk off my duties and dump them on someone else. Gracen would heal, and the best way for her to do that was for us to get on with life, as normal, and keep moving forward.
The bed dipped, startling me briefly, until I realized it was Gracen lowering herself carefully to lay beside me. Her head nestled in the crook of my shoulder as she snuggled up against me and put her hand on my chest, palm covering my heart.
I sought her fingers, resting mine on hers, unsure where to touch her, knowing just about every square inch of her was battered.
“Cheese and crackers, Slade,” she said, going limp against me.
Lucy, who’d followed Gracen in, sniffed along the edge of the mattress, making a soft whimpering sound. I reached out, wanting to reassure her, and felt her shy away. Anger, hot and molten, swept through me. My girls had been through so damn much. And to think that they’d never had a reason before to be guarded around a man. That they shied away at the simplest of touches made me want to work even harder in proving they would never be victims again.
“Easy girl,” I said, stretching my hand out.
Lucy’s wet nose bumped against my fingertips with another soft whine.
“Come on, get up here,” I said, moving my hand to pat the bed beside me.
Lucy climbed up ever so delicately and stretched out beside me, but not touching me. It almost broke me, and I put my hand out. Catching her behind the ear, I used gentle pressure as I scratched. Lucy leaned into my touch with a low groan and rolled closer.
Pinned between my favorite girls, a lone tear rolled its way from the corner of my eye as I stared into the darkness. I will not let them down again, I vowed silently to the night.
“Gracen? Lex called.
A tinge of panic wavered in his voice as his footsteps faltered somewhere outside her door. Lucy, hearing him, rose from the bed. Padding over to the door, she pawed at it.
The door opened and Lex peeked in. I lifted my hand and mouthed the word “morning” to him, not wanting to wake Gracen up.
Lex’s hand went up to his chest, as if trying to steady his heart, and then mouthed the word “breakfast” as his eyebrows raised in question.
Our silent communication went on as I lifted my hand, holding up all five fingers. He nodded, closing the door behind him with Lucy hot on his heels.
Gracen shifted, murmured something, but didn’t fully wake up. The arm her head rested on had been asleep about fifteen minutes after she’d climbed into bed with me, and I wondered how I’d get it out from underneath her without waking her up.
I’d told Lex five minutes, but really, that was just a formality of acknowledging I was awake, and that yes, I did want breakfast.
What I wanted more than anything was to stay in bed with Gracen until she woke, but that might not be for another hour or two.
I never was one to sleep in. Of course, there never was time to either. I didn’t mind it, the work or the early rising. It was bred into me—the ranching life. But at that moment, I would have given everything I was to stay with her. Wake with her. Be there for her when she opened her eyes.
Moving as slowly as I could, I managed to get my arm out from under her neck. Using moves a contortionist would be proud of, I was able to free it and slide out of bed. Her hands sought something she couldn’t see in her dreams. I pulled the blanket over her shoulders, and she did the most heart-wrenching thing I’d ever witnessed. She’d pulled the blankets up in her fist, all but covering her face as she curled in on herself. Some might even call it a defensive move, and I was at a loss for what to do.
I hovered close to the bedside, wondering if I should wake her and take away whatever it was haunting her dreams. My arm tingled as the circulation came back. It was so asleep it hurt to move it, so I waited, watching her and wondering how the hell I could have been blind for so long. How we b
oth could have been. Until I’d moved away from her, I hadn’t realized how much she was a part of me. Like the tingling limb coming back to life, it hurt, but would be back to feeling like a regular ‘ole piece of me in no time. It would be that way with Gracen, too. We’d get over the time we’d been apart, and then everything would be—
She sat up and screamed, clutching at her throat, her legs kicking as she twisted to get herself free.
“Gracen!” I called to her sharply, not meaning to, but she’d scared the ever-living hell out of me.
The sound of Lex’s feet pounding up the stairs with Lucy hot on his heels quieted Gracen as her wide eyes searched the room.
Lex and Lucy skidded to a halt beside her bed, but Lucy jumped up, licking Gracen’s face and breaking through the terror. Gracen hugged Lucy tight, ignoring the way the dog squirmed against the hold, and sobbed into her fur.
“Gray.” I approached the bed and sat on the other side of Lucy, keeping a little distance, but not sure why I chose to do that.
She clutched Lucy harder against her, speaking into her fur as she apologized to her over and over again. It broke my heart.
We waited, Lex and me, for Gracen to release Lucy. Lucy was the first to break the tension-filled moment when she’d had enough and pulled back, giving Gracen a very slobbery lick straight up her face. Gracen let her go then, giving a watery laugh and wiping her face.
Lucy put her paw on Gracen’s leg, cocked her head, and then gave a low rumbled ‘hello’ before jumping off the bed.
“Guess that means she forgives me,” Gracen said, followed a hiccup from crying so hard.
She looked between Lex and me, her face screwing up again as if she were about to break into another round of tears.
Lex moved to the foot of the bed and sighed deeply as he said, “I almost caught the damn kitchen on fire when you screamed.”
Sure enough, the scent of something burning was in the air. Gracen wrinkled her nose.
I gave Lex a hard look, one that told him to back the hell off. She didn’t need to be scolded because she’d had a nightmare. If anything, she needed as much love and support as we could give her.
Gracen, on the other hand, smirked at him and said, “You probably were already in the process of burning the kitchen down long before that.”
Lex beamed a smile at her and winked. “Guess we should hire someone to cook, because I suck at it.”
“Probably would be the best investment you ever made,” Gracen said, moving to get out of bed and then stopping with a hiss of pain.
“You okay?” I asked, hovering over her. I wanted to help, but didn’t know how.
Lex sighed as he stood and put his hand out to her. She took it and slowly made her way out of bed. A wave of jealousy pinged inside me, bouncing around like a springtime calf.
Lex caught the look on my face and gave me a slight shake of his head. Now wasn’t the time to get into a pissing contest with him.
Once Gracen was on her feet, she swayed slightly. Righting herself, she said, “If you'll excuse me, I need to use the bathroom.”
She tottered off at a slow gate, Lucy keeping stride with her as she walked out the door and down the hall.
I waited until the bathroom door closed and then squared off with my brother and asked, “What the hell are you up to?”
Lex shook his head, hands resting on his hips like Dad always used to do when he was disappointed with one of us, and answered, “You can’t treat her with kid gloves. She needs everything to be normal. That means we can’t treat her any differently. If she needs us to be something else, she’ll tell us.”
It was like a mule kick to the chest. “And what makes you such an expert?”
He shrugged and replied, “I stayed up most of last night looking up things on domestic abuse… abuse in general, and they all say pretty much the same thing. We can only be here for her and support her. And if worse comes to worse, she can talk to a professional.”
I flinched. “A stranger? Why would she want to talk to a stranger when she has people here for her?”
Lex rolled his eyes at me and then said, “Because we’re not professional therapists and neither of us has ever been through something of that magnitude. And you might not see it right now, but she’s going to need a little extra help as she deals with things. No one can take that sort of abuse and not have feelings they can’t put into words or even begin to understand themselves.”
As much as I hated to admit he was right, he was. Neither of us had dealt with someone hurting us the way Gracen had been hurt. We’d never gone through the same sort of mind games either. Gracen had a lot she’d need to deal with in order to move on. So did Lex and me. None of us were going to be walking the path of healing alone though.
“Fine. I understand,” I said.
“Good. Now help her get dressed. And then, for the love of God, man, help me with breakfast. My stomach thinks my throats been cut,” Lex said over his shoulder, almost bumping into Gracen when she appeared in the doorway.
She rolled her eyes at him and said, “That’s an odd way of saying you’re hungry.”
“If you were my stomach, you’d be in complete agreement. Come on, Lucy girl, let’s go get the burnt stuff cleaned up while we wait on those two,” Lex said, motioning for Lucy to follow him.
Lucy looked to Gracen, unmoving, until Gracen told her to go with Lex. The door closed behind them with a soft bump before Gracen turned to me.
I wasn’t sure what she wanted. Did she need me to come to her? Did she want me to say something? What should I say if she did? Lex’s words came to mind. For once, I listened to my brother.
“You look like hell, Gray,” I said, crossing the room and putting my arms around her, careful not to jar her too much.
Her arms came around me and pulled me a little closer against her with a shudder. “I feel like it, too, but every day is another day to heal and then everything will be back to normal.”
“There will never be anything normal about Lex trying to burn the house down. Ready to get dressed?” I asked as she let go of me and stepped back.
“You scorched the pan,” GRACEN said, wrinkling her nose.
Lex laughed. “Well, it was either scorch the pan or catch the curtains on fire.”
Gracen and I both dared a look at said curtains, noticing the grimy soot that clung to the border of the lace.
“Close call, Lex. I think you should probably stick to making cereal or maybe even get a little daring with toast,” Gracen said, sticking her finger under the water to check the temperature.
The pan would need a good soaking and an even better scrubbing before it could be used again.
Lucy padded across the floor and nudged Gracen’s leg before giving a low yip. Gracen jolted as if she’d been prodded, giving a jilted sort of laugh. “Oh, you need to go out, do you?”
Lucy trotted over to the front door, dancing in place as she emitted a low whine.
“Hold your horses, I can only move so fast,” Gracen said.
“I’ll let her out if you start the bacon,” Lex said, crossing the room before Gracen agreed.
She sighed, turning back to the stove with a scowl. “Just because I have a vagina doesn’t automatically mean I like cooking.”
Lex, not one to be easily embarrassed, turned to Gracen after letting Lucy out. “Yeah well, just because I have a penis doesn’t mean I do either.”
She rolled her eyes at him, shuffling to the refrigerator and pulling out a package of butcher-wrapped bacon.
Not long after, the heavenly scent of frying pork filled the air.
“Tell ya what, I’ll make the toast,” Lex said, going over to stand beside Gracen at the counter.
I’d chosen a seat at the table while they bantered, watching my life come back together. It might not seem like much, but these precious moments when everything was exactly as it should be mattered to me more than anything else in the world.
“Are you going to sit th
ere and watch, or can you pry your lazy self out of that chair and maybe set the table?” Lex asked over his shoulder.
My normal response would have been to give him the one-finger salute, but that was then.
As I set the table, I found myself whistling an off-key tune that turned into Lex humming along with me.
A smile spread over Gracen’s face that stole my breath. I winked at her, watching her blush before she finished taking the bacon from the grease and set to frying some eggs.
I knew it then. Gracen didn’t need just me. She needed peace. Bringing her back to the big house with Lex and me had been one of the best decisions we’d ever made.
Chapter 20
Gracen
I loved those boys more than any one person could love another, but they never left me with a moment’s peace since the day I’d been brought back to the Big House.
Two weeks had gone by. Two long weeks where if I made the slightest wince, they fluttered around me like mother hens. It was endearing at first, but it got old after a while.
I’d tried to venture out with Lex one day while Slade was riding the fence line, like he did every single day, but then Lex decided he really didn’t need to go down to the barn. After that, Marley started coming up to the Big House every single morning, which was uncommon since Marley usually ate in his own house.
Breakfast became a staple meal for all of us. Marley would show up, help where he could, and then we’d all sit down at the table and eat. When breakfast was almost over, the day’s plans would be laid out. Lex used to call everyone if anything additional needed to be done. Everyone already had their chore schedules; they never really varied unless there was bad weather or any number of emergencies that happened on a ranch.
Now, Marley had become Lex and Slade’s go-to guy. They’d push things off on him so that one of them could stay with me, and I’d just about had enough.
I found my escape in taking long baths. If I was behind closed doors, they pretty much left me alone. That wasn’t to say that at least once one of them would knock and ask through the door if I was all right and if I needed anything.
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