by Various
"Why can't you get me out of here now and then go to Liptai?"
Another chuckle. "My dear boy, first I must see that all is as ye say in Liptai. After all, I have only your word that ye be in sooth the Eudoric Dambertson of whom Baldonius writes. So bide ye in patience a few days more. I'll see that ye be sent better ailment than the slop they serve here. And now, pray, your authorization. Here are pen and ink."
To keep from starvation, Jillo got a job as a paver's helper and worked in hasty visits to the jail during his lunch hour. When a fortnight had passed without word from Doctor Raspiudus, Eudoric told Jillo to go to the wizard's home for an explanation.
"They turned me away at the door," reported Jillo. "They told me that the learned doctor had never heard of us."
As the import of this news sank in, Eudoric cursed and beat the wall in his rage. "That filthy, treacherous he-witch! He gets me to sign that power of attorney; then, when he has my property in his grubby paws, he conveniently forgets
about us! By the God and Goddess, if ever I catch him—" "Here, here, what's all this noise?" said the jailer. "Ye disturb the other prisoners."
When Jillo explained the cause of his master's outrage, the jailer laughed. "Why, everyone knows that Raspiudus is the worst skinflint and treacher in Velitchovo! Had ye asked me, I'd have warned you."
"Why has none of his victims slain him?" asked Eudoric.
"We are a law-abiding folk, sir. We do not permit private persons to indulge their feuds on their own, and we have some most ingenious penalties for homicide."
"Mean ye," said Jillo, "that amongst you Pathenians a
gentleman may not avenge an insult by the gage of battle?" "Of course not! We are not bloodthirsty barbarians." "Ye mean there are no true gentlemen amongst you,"
sniffed Jillo.
"Then, Master Tiolkhof," said Eudoric, calming himself by force of will, "am I stuck here for a year and more?"
"Aye, but ye may get time off for good behavior at the end—three or four days, belike."
When the jailer had gone, Jillo said, "When ye get out, Master, ye must needs uphold our honor by challenging this runagate to the trial of battle, to the death."
Eudoric shook his head. "Heard you not what Tiolkhof said? They deem dueling barbarous and boil the duelists in oil, or something equally entertaining. Anyway, Raspiudus could beg off on grounds of age. We must, instead, use what wits the Holy Couple gave us. I wish now that I'd sent you back to Liptai to fetch our belongings and never meddled with this rolypoly sorcerer."
"True, but how could ye know, dear Master? I should probably have bungled the task in any case, what with my ignorance of the tongue and all."
After another fortnight, King Vladmor of Pathenia died. When his son Yogor ascended the throne, he declared a general amnesty for all crimes lesser than murder. Thus Eudoric found himself out in the street again, but without horse, armor, weapons, or money beyond a few marks.
"Jillo," he said that night in their mean little cubicle, "we must needs get into Raspiudus' house somehow. As we saw this afternoon, 'tis a big place with a stout, high wall around it.
"An ye could get a supply of that black powder, we could blast a breach in the wall."
"But we have no such stuff, nor means of getting it, unless we raid the royal armory, which I do not think we can do."
"Then how about climbing a tree near the wall and letting ourselves down by ropes inside the wall from a convenient branch?"
"A promising plan, if there were such an overhanging tree. But there isn't, as you saw as well as I when we scouted the place. Let me think. Raspiudus must have supplies borne into his stronghold from time to time. I misdoubt his wizardry is potent enough to conjure foodstuffs out of air."
"Mean ye that we should gain entrance as, say, a brace of chicken farmers with eggs to sell?"
"Just so. But nay, that won't do. Raspiudus is no fool. Knowing of this amnesty that enlarged me, he'll be on the watch for such a trick. At least, so should I be, in his room, and I credit him with no less wit than mine own . . . I have it! What visitor would logically be likely to call upon him now, whom he will not have seen for many a year and whom he would hasten to welcome?"
"That I know not, sir."
"Who would wonder what had become of us and, detecting our troubles in his magical scryglass, would follow upon our track by uncanny means?"
"Oh, ye mean Doctor Baldonius!"
"Aye. My whiskers have grown nigh as long as his since last I shaved. And we're much of a size."
"But I never heard that your old tutor could fly about on an enchanted broomstick, as some of the mightiest magicians are said to do."
"Belike he can't, but Doctor Raspiudus wouldn't know that."
"Mean ye," said Jillo, "that ye've a mind to play Doctor Baldonius? Or to have me play him? The latter would never do."
"I know it wouldn't, good my Jillo. You know not the learned patter proper to wizards and other philosophers."
"Won't Raspiudus know you, sir? As ye say he's a shrewd old villain."
"He's seen me but once, in that dark, dank cell, and that for a mere quarter hour. You he's never seen at all. Methinks I can disguise myself well enough to befool him—unless you have a better notion."
"Alack, I have none! Then what part shall I play?"
"I had thought of going in alone."
"Nay, sir, dismiss the thought! Me let my master risk his mortal body and immortal soul in a witch's lair without my being there to help him?"
"If you help me the way you did by touching off that firearm whilst our dragon was out of range—"
"Ah, but who threw the torch and saved us in the end? What disguise shall I wear?"
"Since Raspiudus knows you not, there's no need for any. You shall be Baldonius' servant, as you are mine."
"Ye forget, sir, that if Raspiudus knows me not, his gatekeepers might. Forsooth, they're likely to recall me because of the noisy protests I made when they barred me out."
"Hm. Well, you're too old for a page, too lank for a bodyguard, and too unlearned for a wizard's assistant. I have it! You shall go as my concubine!"
"Oh, Heaven above, sir, not that! I am a normal man! I should never live it down!"
To the massive gate before Raspiudus' house came Eudoric, with a patch over one eye, and his beard, uncut for a month, dyed white. A white wig cascaded down from under his hat. He presented a note, in a plausible imitation of Baldonius' hand, to the gatekeeper:
Doctor Baldonius of Treveria presents his compliments to his old friend and colleague Doctor Raspiudus of Velitchovo, and begs the favor of an audience to discuss the apparent disappearance of two young protégés of his.
A pace behind, stooping to disguise his stature, slouched a rouged and powdered Jillo in woman's dress. If Jillo was a homely man, he made a hideous woman, at least as far as his face could be seen under the headcloth. Nor was his beauty enhanced by the dress, which Eudoric had stitched together out of cheap cloth. The garment looked like what it was: the work of a rank amateur at dressmaking.
"My master begs you to enter," said the gatekeeper.
"Why, dear old Baldonius!" cried Raspiudus, rubbing his hands together. "Ye've not changed a mite since those glad, mad days at Saalingen! Do ye still string verses?"
"Ye've withstood the ravages of time well yourself, Raspiudus," said Eudoric, in an imitation of Baldonius' voice. " `As fly the years, the geese fly north in spring; Ah, would the years, like geese, return a-wing!' "
Raspiudus roared with laughter, patting his paunch. "The same old Baldonius! Made ye that one up?"
Eudoric made a deprecatory motion. "I am a mere poetaster; but had not the higher wisdom claimed my allegiance, I might have made my mark in poesy."
"What befell your poor eye?"
"My own carelessness in leaving a corner of a pentacle open. The demon got in a swipe of his claws ere I could banish him. But now, good Raspiudus, I have a matter to discuss whereof I told you in my n
ote."
"Yea, yea, time enow for that. Be ye weary from the road? Need ye baths? Aliment? Drink?"
"Not yet, old friend. We have but now come from Velitchovo's best hostelry."
"Then let me show you my house and grounds. Your lady . . . ?"
"She'll stay with me. She speaks nought but Treverian and fears being separated from me among strangers. A mere swineherd's chick, but a faithful creature. At my age, that is of more moment than a pretty face."
Presently, Eudoric was looking at his and Jillo's palfreys and their sumpter mule in Raspiudus' stables. Eudoric made a few hesitant efforts, as if he were Baldonius seeking his young friends, to inquire after their disappearance. Each time Raspiudus smoothly turned the question aside, promising enlightenment later.
An hour later, Raspiudus was showing off his magical sanctum. With obvious interest, Eudoric examined a number of squares of dragon hide spread out on a workbench. He asked:
"Be this the integument of one of those Pathenian dragons, whereof I have heard?"
"Certes, good Baldonius. Are they extinct in your part of the world?"
"Aye. 'Twas for that reason that I sent my young friend and former pupil, of whom I'm waiting to tell you, eastward to fetch me some of this hide for use in my work. How does one cure this hide?"
"With salt, and—unh! "
Raspiudus collapsed, Eudoric having just struck him on the head with a short bludgeon that he whisked out of his voluminous sleeves.
"Bind and gag him and roll him behind the bench!" said Eudoric.
"Were it not better to cut his throat, sir?" said Jillo.
"Nay. The jailer told us that they have ingenious ways of punishing homicide, and I have no wish to prove them by experiment."
While Jillo bound the unconscious Raspiudus, Eudoric chose two pieces of dragon hide, each about a yard square. He rolled them together into a bundle and lashed them with a length of rope from inside his robe. As an afterthought, he helped himself to the contents of Raspiudus' purse. Then he hoisted the roll of hide to his shoulder and issued from the laboratory. He called to the nearest stableboy.
"Doctor Raspiudus," he said, "asks that ye saddle up those two nags." He pointed. "Good saddles, mind you! Are the animals well shod?"
"Hasten, sir," muttered Jillo. "Every instant we hang about here—"
"Hold thy peace! The appearance of haste were the surest way to arouse suspicion." Eudoric raised his voice. "Another heave on that girth, fellow! I am not minded to have my aged bones shattered by a tumble into the roadway."
Jillo whispered, "Can't we recover the mule and your armor, to boot?"
Eudoric shook his head. "Too risky," he murmured. "Be glad if we get away with whole skins."
When the horses had been saddled to his satisfaction, he said, "Lend me some of your strength in mounting, youngster." He groaned as he swung awkwardly into the saddle. "A murrain on thy master, to send us off on this footling errand—me that hasn't sat a horse in years! Now hand me that accursed roll of hide. I thank thee, youth; here's a little for thy trouble. Run ahead and tell the gatekeeper to have his portal wall opened. I fear that if this beast pulls up of a sudden, I shall go flying over its head!"
A few minutes later, when they had turned a corner and were out of sight of Raspiudus' house, Eudoric said, "Now trot!"
"If I could but get out of this damned gown," muttered Jillo. "I can't ride decently in it."
"Wait till we're out of the city gate."
When Jillo had shed the offending garment, Eudoric said, "Now ride, man, as never before in your life!"
They pounded off on the Liptai road. Looking back, Jillo gave a screech. "There's a thing flying after us! It looks like a giant bat!"
"One of Raspiudus' sendings," said Eudoric. "I knew he'd get loose. Use your spurs! Can we but gain the bridge . . ."
They fled at a mad gallop. The sending came closer and closer, until Eudoric thought he could feel the wind of its wings.
Then their hooves thundered across the bridge over the Pshora.
"Those things will not cross running water," said Eu-
doric, looking back. "Slow down, Jillo. These nags must bear us many leagues, and we must not founder them at the start.''
. . so here we are," Eudoric told Doctor Baldonius. "Ye've seen your family, lad?"
"Certes. They thrive, praise to the Divine Pair. Where's Lusina?"
"Well—ah—ahem—the fact is, she is not here."
"Oh? Then where?"
"Ye put me to shame, Eudoric. I promised you her hand in return for the two yards of dragon hide. Well, ye've fetched me the hide, at no small effort and risk, but I cannot fulfill my side of the bargain."
"Wherefore?"
"Alas! My undutiful daughter ran off with a strolling player last summer, whilst ye were chasing dragons—or perchance 'twas the other way round. I'm right truly sorry . . .
Eudoric frowned silently for an instant, then said, "Fret not, esteemed Doctor. I shall recover from the wound—provided, that is, that you salve it by making up my losses in more materialistic fashion."
Baldonius raised bushy gray brows. "So? Ye seem not so grief-stricken as I should have expected, to judge from the lover's sighs and tears wherewith ye parted from the jade last spring. Now ye'll accept money instead?"
"Aye, sir. I admit that my passion had somewhat cooled during our long separation. Was it likewise with her? What said she of me?"
"Aye, her sentiments did indeed change. She said you were too much an opportunist altogether to please her. I would not wound your feelings. . . ."
Eudoric waved a deprecatory hand. "Continue, pray. I have been somewhat toughened by my months in the rude, rough world, and I am interested."
"Well, I told her she was being foolish; that ye were a shrewd lad who, an ye survived the dragon hunt, would go
far. But her words were: `That is just the trouble, Father. He is too shrewd to be very lovable."'
"Hmph," grunted Eudoric. "As one might say: I am a man of enterprise, thou art an opportunist, he is a conniving scoundrel. 'Tis all in the point of view. Well, if she prefers the fools of this world, I wish her joy of them. As a man of honor, I would have wedded Lusina had she wished. As things stand, trouble is saved all around."
"To you, belike, though I misdoubt my headstrong lass'Il find the life of an actor's wife a bed of violets:
`Who'd wed on a whim is soon filled to the brim Of worry and doubt, till he longs for an out. So if ye would wive, beware of the gyve Of an ill-chosen mate; 'tis a harrowing fate.'
But enough of that. What sum had ye in mind?"
"Enough to cover the cost of my good destrier Morgrim and my panoply of plate, together with lance and sword, plus a few other chattels and incidental expenses of travel. Fifteen hundred marks should cover the lot."
"Fif-teen hundred! Whew! I could ne'er afford—nor are these moldy patches of dragon hide worth a fraction of the sum."
Eudoric sighed and rose. "You know what you can afford, good my sage." He picked up the roll of dragon hide. "Your colleague Doctor Calporio, wizard to the Count of Treveria, expressed a keen interest in this material. In fact, he offered me more than I have asked of you, but I thought it only honorable to give you the first chance." "What!" cried Baldonius. "That mountebank, charlatan, that faker? Misusing the hide and not deriving a tenth of the magical benefits from it that I should? Sit down, Eudoric; we will discuss these things."
An hour's haggling got Eudoric his fifteen hundred marks. Baldonius said, "Well, praise the Divine Couple that's over. And now, beloved pupil, what are your plans?" "Would ye believe it, Doctor Baldonius," said Jillo, "that
my poor, deluded master is about to disgrace his lineage and betray his class by a base commercial enterprise?" "Forsooth, Jillo? What's this?"
"He means my proposed coach line," said Eudoric. "Good Heaven, what's that?"
"My plan to run a carriage on a weekly schedule from Zurgau to Kromnitch, taking all who can pay t
he fare, as they do in Pathenia. We can't let the heathen Easterlings get ahead of us."
"What an extraordinary idea! Need ye a partner?"
"Thanks, but nay. Baron Emmerhard has already thrown in with me. He's promised me my knighthood in exchange for the partnership."
"There is no nobility anymore," said Jillo.
Eudoric grinned. "Emmerhard said much the same sort of thing, but I convinced him that anything to do with horses is a proper pursuit for a gentleman. Jillo, you can spell me at driving the coach, which will make you a gentleman, too!"
Jillo sighed. "Alas! The true spirit of knighthood is dying in this degenerate age. Woe is me that I should live to see the end of chivalry! How much did ye think of paying me, sir?"
Mrs. Byres and the Dragon
by
Keith Roberts
One of the most powerful talents to enter the field in the last thirty years, Keith Roberts secured an important place in genre history in 1968 with the publication of his classic novel Pavane, one of the best books of the '60s, and certainly one of the best alternate-history novels ever written, rivaled only by books such as L. Sprague de Camp's Lest Darkness Fall, Ward Moore's Bring the Jubilee, and Philip K Dick's The Man in the High Castle. Trained as an illustrator—he did work extensively as an illustrator and cover artist in the British SF world of the '60s—Roberts made his first sale to Science Fantasy in 1964. Later, he would take over the editorship of Science Fantasy, by then called SF Impulse, as well as providing many of the magazine's striking covers. But his career as an editor was short-lived, and most of his subsequent impact on the field would be as a writer, including the production of some of the best short stories of the last two decades. Roberts's other books include the novels The Chalk Giants, The Furies, The Inner Wheel, Molly Zero, Grainne, and The Boat of Fate, one of the finest historical novels of the '70s. His short work can be found in the collections Machines and Men, The Grain Kings, The Passing of the Dragons, Ladies from Hell, and The Lordly Ones. His most recent books are the well-received novel Kiteworld, and a collection, Winterwood and Other Hauntings. Coming up is a new collection, Kaeti on Tour.