by Storm, Sloan
Great. Can't wait.
At least she was out of my hair for a while. And anyway, I knew it was nonsense. The likelihood of pregnancy had to be low.
But, what if I was? Of course I'd have to tell him, which meant I'd have to see him. Aside from actually being pregnant, seeing him again was the thing I wanted to do the least.
The bad news is I didn't have to wait long for the answer. Mom was back in no time, clutching the bag with the testing kits inside and extending them toward me.
The plastic bag crackled in her hand like a snake’s rattle. I recoiled from it, fearing a bite. While she stood there with a ramrod straight arm and a matter-of-fact look in her eye, I hesitated. I really didn't want to know, even less now than when Mom first brought the idea up to me.
Worse, I had a sinking feeling she might be right.
"Here." She shook it again. "Take it. Do you know how to do it?"
"Seriously?" I know she probably didn't mean anything by it, but the question bugged me. I snatched it from her grasp. "I can read. I'll figure it out."
Fifteen minutes later and a couple of tests in, I sat on the toilet with my head in my hands.
"What's going on?" Mom's curiosity got the better of her. "Lily?"
It couldn't be. Impossible.
I didn't want to face her. Sure, she suspected it, but suspecting and confirming were two very different things. Oh man.
Then there was Griff. When I closed the door in his face, I thought that would be the end. I'd be free of his manipulation, his deception, his lies. But most of all, I'd be free of his charms and the price they took on my soul. But now, I knew I'd have to be face-to-face again, this time with a lot more on the line than a pretend engagement.
This is really happening. My wits left me. I stood from the toilet, pacing back and forth in the tiny space. What the hell am I going to do?
Mom knocked again. "What's going on? Are you pregnant or not?"
Blowing out a sigh, I walked to the door and opened it. My mom looked at me, and I couldn't help it. Ugliness came to my face, and I crashed into her with an embrace, sobbing.
"What am I going to do?" I gulped into her shoulder.
Mom did her best to reassure me, telling me we could raise the baby without him. After all, Carl had more than enough money. Everything would be fine.
"But Griff…"
Mom brushed me off, her response laced with a special kind of hate. "Forget about Griff! The most important thing is taking care of yourself, for the baby's sake."
For the baby's sake.
For. The. Baby's. Sake.
Mom leaned away from me. "Why don't you lie down? I'll make you a cup of herbal tea. It will help to relax you."
I fell into the mattress, still resisting the news.
Pregnant?
33
Turn The Page (Griff)
Why do those calls always seem to come in the middle of the night?
They're the ones you dread, knowing it's only a matter of time before you get them. Even when you do, they don't seem real.
Shock, trauma, grief. Whatever you wanna call it, everyone has their own unique way of dealing with it.
I'd spent years callousing my mind, knowing this moment would come far too early in my life. Was I ready? Who the fuck knows. It didn't catch me by surprise, so I guess that's a lone bright spot in the black hole that increasingly resembled my existence.
Goddamn it.
I got there as soon as I could. After our last visit, I had a sense it wouldn't be long. But life is funny in a bitter kind of way. It has a sarcastic knack for hanging on, a lot longer than you might expect, teasing you with hope until the end of your days.
When it is your time though, it happens fast, no more close calls.
Was this Papa's?
I looked down at him. My last living relative, and the only other Foster man.
I thought about our last conversation. It hadn't gone well. Yeah sure, maybe I deserved some, most, of the grief I had coming to me where Sneaks was concerned. However, I wished I could have left things on better terms than I did.
Jules gave me the bad news when I got there. It was only a matter of time. Papa wouldn't be regaining consciousness.
Even so, the old bastard wasn't gone yet.
I walked up to his bedside. Standing there, I watched him labor for each breath. The giant of a man I knew my entire life was now gaunt, frail, and helpless. I didn't know if I had hours or minutes left, but from the looks of things, it wouldn't be much more.
Pulling up a chair, I sat down next to him.
If I'm being honest, I'm not sure if the words coming out of my mouth would have been the same if he were awake.
Maybe it was for the best.
Anyway, I started off by apologizing for letting him down. I mean, yeah, early on, I thought his idea was nuts. Fuck, maybe it still was. But even so, I felt I understood the point he was trying to make. Money, power, and ego were worthless in the end. The only thing that mattered was a family, a legacy.
Papa knew me better than I knew myself because until he intervened, I wasn't on track for anything like that.
I confessed I'd blown it with Sneaks, admitting to the lie I'd tried to pass off before. It didn't look like there was going to be a marriage. It was a long story, and while I wasn't giving up hope, right now, things didn't look good.
As far as the money was concerned, I knew it wouldn't be mine, but I didn't care anymore. The only thing I gave a shit about was being with her, growing old and gray with Sneaks just like he did with Grams.
Soon, I'd run out of truths to tell. I stood from the chair and leaned over, giving him a kiss on the forehead.
"Go be with Grams, Papa. I'll do what you want. The charity will get the money."
I blew out a sigh. "I love you."
No sooner had I finished than the monitoring devices in the room started to beep and chirp. Erratic, high-pitched warnings blared from every piece of equipment. Papa started gasping for air when Jules and a couple of the nursing staff came running inside.
"This is it, Griff." Jules grabbed my arm, I'm sure trying to comfort me.
Only for some strange reason, I didn't feel anything. There was no fear, no sadness, no regret. I was at peace, having said what I needed. Instead, I draped an arm across her shoulder and watched the old man take his last breath.
For several minutes, the nurses hovered around him, doing whatever it is they do when someone dies. I stood there looking at Papa, his mouth still hung slightly open when Jules spoke.
"I'm so sorry, Griff. Your Grandfather was a great man. He'll be missed."
I didn't really have anything to say. The only real father I'd ever had was dead, and I'd come up short delivering him the one thing he wanted most before he kicked. Not only that, but I was broke, and the only person in the world I cared about wouldn't see me.
But now, seeing her again was the only thing on my mind. I didn't care if she slammed the door in my face and told me to go straight to hell. No way was I going to be on my deathbed one day wondering what might have been with her.
No. Fucking. Way.
Jules motioned for the nurses to leave the room. They did, passing by me, offering sad smiles and warm condolences.
"Take all the time you need." Jules touched my arm one last time. "Also, you should know Papa made a change to his burial wishes in the past couple of weeks. Instead of being interred, he decided he wanted to be cremated and have his remains spread around the estate."
I shrugged. "Okay. Whatever he wanted."
"He requested you be the one to do it, Griff."
By then, numbness settled in over me. The tips of my fingers turned icy, death dulled my senses.
I looked at her. "What's that? He wanted me to do it?"
She nodded. Blowing out a deep breath, I told Jules I understood. There were some things I had to take care of, but I promised to return and fulfill Papa's last wish.
After she left the room
, I stood there for a few minutes more.
I'd never known anything but absolute certainty in my life. Growing up a Foster, the future had always been mine for the taking. Now, for the first time in my life, I was on the other side.
Nothing seemed certain any longer.
Except one thing…
Her.
34
Don't Give Up (Lily)
If the results of the pregnancy test were true, Mom insisted I get to the doctor as soon as possible. I resisted, but she insisted, threatening to make the appointment herself after she and Carl returned from running errands if I hadn't.
With reluctance, I went ahead with it. If nothing else, it would keep her off my back and give me some time to figure out what to do about Griff. I don't know how many times I'd picked up the phone to text or call him only to chicken out at the last second.
I know. I know. Believe me.
To make matters worse, Tiny Me nagged me to do it in person, reminding me that he was the father of the child and had a right to know. After all, just because he's a miserable person didn't mean I had to play his games. Like it or not, Griff was going to be a part of my life - forever.
But a face-to-face? Yeah, no. I wasn't ready for it.
Not yet.
Plopping down on the sofa, I blew out a sigh. The longer I waited, the harder it would be to see him again. I knew it. And believe it or not, I missed him. I know it's crazy, but it's true. Maybe it was hormones, exhaustion, or stress. God knows I'd been dealing with all of them.
I pulled my knees toward my chest, locking my arms around them. Thoughts drifted in and out, random fretting and worrying continuing its relentless assault.
What was it going to be like to tell him? How would he react?
Then another God-awful thought permeated my gray matter. It was an unconscious, visceral doubt, the kind your mind wants to ignore but can't…
How could I even be sure I was the only one he'd ever gotten pregnant? What if there were others?
Queasiness roiled inside of me.
I didn't know if it was the pregnancy causing it or the fact I had to worry about where his cock had been. Whichever it was, I didn't find it reassuring.
It got worse. The images he sent kept flashing in my mind… Was he cheating on me the whole time?
"Oh God," I whispered a shaky exhale before realizing none of this was helpful.
His problems, his twisted behavior, they had nothing to do with me. No matter what, I wouldn't be with him anymore. Of that much, I was sure.
Lifting my head, I looked at my stomach.
Boy? Or girl?
Regardless, I envisioned an endless stream of tramps, parading in and out of his life, confusing our baby.
I meant, my baby.
Mine.
So, not only was I furious with the Griff of years to come but also with the one I couldn't break free of today, no matter how much I tried. I loved him and hated myself for it. Now, for the rest of my life, I'd be reminded of him every day when I looked into the eyes of my child.
"Shit," I grumbled, swiping my phone on and texting Mom, asking her when they would be home.
Even though she was in helicopter mode, having her around was better than sitting here all by myself. Of all the feelings I'd experienced, none was more hollow or frightening than loneliness. It clung to me like a vampire, draining me of all hope, leaving me desperate for the company of others.
Hell, I'd even started to soften up to the idea of having Carl around again.
Like I said. Desperate times.
Gliding my fingers into hair I hadn't washed for a couple of days, I realized I had to stop hiding.
It was time.
The plan was simple. I'd call him, and we'd meet. No more delays, no more avoiding.
There were bigger things at stake than my emotion and his ego.
With the phone still in hand, I thumbed around until his number appeared. I hovered my finger over the call button but never got a chance to press it.
Just then, knuckles rapped against the front door.
Ugh. The last thing I wanted was to see anyone. Who the hell would be knocking on the door anyway? It's not like I was even the slightest bit presentable. I hadn't even brushed my teeth yet.
Knock. Knock. The noise came again. Harder. Louder.
I grumbled my way to the front door and looked through the peep hole.
Fuck.
My heart thrummed in my chest, pounding like it might rip free. Hot breath blasting from my mouth fogged up the peep hole. Even so, seeing him again made me ache in all of those familiar but unwanted places.
He was so beautiful. My breath shook.
Snap out of it! Tiny Me barged into my consciousness. Now's your chance! This is your opportunity to tell him off. That is, right after you tell him he's going to be the father of the baby.
"Sneaks!" Griff's voice boomed, and I jumped, pressing both palms flat against the door.
I steadied myself, shifting my weight to one side. A floorboard creaked beneath my foot. The sound caught his attention, and his gaze locked on the door.
"Sneaks, are you in there? I need to talk to you. Please, it's important. Papa's dead."
My shoulders slumped, and the last bit of oxygen in my lungs escaped like air from a deflating balloon. It wasn't hard to see the sadness in his eyes. While I stood there looking at him, I couldn't help but think back to my interactions with Papa. He'd been nice to me. Even though I hated to admit it, I felt bad for Griff.
I stood there in silence for a few more seconds.
"Lily, please." Hearing my name from his lips pierced my heart like a cruel arrow. "What I have to say won't take long…"
"Um, okay." I broke the silence. "Give me a minute."
I mean, I did what I could. Going to the bathroom, I tried to make myself presentable, but after a few minutes of effort, I gave up.
The hell with it.
Still a hot mess, I returned to the front door and opened it. My skin hadn't felt the chill of outside air in days. I clutched at my robe, pulling it tight across my chest to keep the cold and him, at bay.
Griff didn't waste any time. "I should've called, but since you don't answer, I figured it was worth a shot."
"I'm sorry to hear about Papa."
"Thanks." He took a step in my direction.
I backed away, showing him a palm. "Don't."
He didn't say a word, just looked at me with the same sad eyes I'd seen through the peep hole earlier. Was it for Papa? Or something else? Whatever. I didn't have a lot of time to find out.
"Mom will be here soon."
He got the message. Hurry up.
"I know I've said this before, but what you think you saw in those pictures. The messages that were sent. That wasn't me. I don't know how just yet, but I'm going to prove to you I'm innocent."
I'd heard all of this before. Apologies weren't going to cut it. Not anymore.
"I don't care about the inheritance. It doesn't matter to me. The only thing that matters to me is you. I've already lost Papa today. I'm not going to lose you, too."
Was I fooling myself again? His words, the tone of his voice… It all sounded so sincere. His pupils dilated, his eyes turned glassy. I knew he was hurting. More than anything, I wanted to hug him and take away some of that pain, but not at the expense of causing my own.
I couldn't do it, so I didn't. I held back.
The words became harder for him. "I just need you… I need you to give me a chance. Without you, there's nothing left for me."
Summoning all the courage I could, I choked down the pain lodging itself in my throat.
"That's not true." I shook my head. "For either of us."
Griff focused on me, the confused look on his face matching the question from his lips. "What do you mean?"
With one hand still gripping my robe, I clutched the doorknob with the other while the words tumbled out.
"I'm pregnant."
At first,
he didn't say anything. Griff just stood there, blinking until his brain came back online.
"Wait…" The word came out of his mouth like an order. "What? Come again?"
"I. Am. Pregnant."
"When were you going to tell me?"
"I don't know," I said with a prolonged sigh. "Soon, I guess. Please, I don't want to make this any more difficult than it has to be."
"What are you trying to say?" Griff's expression changed, his tone turned sharp. "Make what more difficult? Exactly?"
"My decision about what to do."
"Meaning what?" He seemed dumbfounded. "You're not keeping it?"
"What? No, of course I am."
"Good, I…"
Here it comes, so pay attention. "But I'm raising it myself. I've given it a lot of thought, and it's the only way."
"That's a fucking crazy idea." The sadness he'd shown up with gave way. Rage began to simmer. "It's one thing to lose you, but it's totally unacceptable to lose my child. The child needs a mother and a father."
Unacceptable? My hand fell away from the knob, and I pointed at him.
"Do you want to know what's unacceptable? I'll tell you…"
No! I stopped myself. This is not what's important. The baby. That's all that matters. I'd almost let my anger get the best of me.
"Raising the baby alone is a mistake. A big one. Sneaks, I'm begging you. Don't do this. Don't keep me from my child."
I just stood there, chewing on my lip and thinking maybe he had a point. Dad popped into my mind. The circumstances were different, but the end result was the same. I hated growing up without a father. Life robbed me of it. Was I ready to do the same thing to my child?
Tiny Me stepped in, clouding my reasoning.
No! This is not the same thing. The photos, the text messages, this is the monster who sent them to you!
Yes, he was, but allowing him in the child's life didn't mean we had to be together. Maybe I'd been too hasty. Maybe I should reconsider. Not today, though. Not right now.
I'll think about it. That's what I wanted to say, but before I could get the words out, Mom and Carl pulled up. She practically jumped from the car while it was still moving.