by J. L. Hilton
“I’ll kill him!” Duin got up and stormed toward the garden. “Why in the Great Ocean would he hit you?” Then he stopped at the door and turned, a look of concern on his face. “Have you seen Dr. Geber?”
“Not hit me. Hit on me. Idiom. Made a move on me.”
Duin shook his head. He didn’t understand.
“Offered himself to me. Sexually.”
“Oh.” Duin’s rage vanished and he laughed. “My mistake.”
Duin went to the kitchen corner and searched the cupboard.
“What are you doing?”
“Where are those little rocks, from the company that wanted my endorsement? ‘Best snack in the universe,’ my green backside.”
“Cookies. I gave them to the children.”
He handed her a protein bar and a glass of water. “If he’s going to wear you out, he could at least feed you. I’m sorry, J’ni. He’s got the stamina of youth, but there are some things only old men understand.”
She stared at the bar, and then at Duin. “You think I slept with him?”
“Slept is an entirely inaccurate euphemism, I hope.”
“Duin, I didn’t.”
His forehead furrowed in confusion. “Why not? You’re quite familiar with Glin anatomy, as I recall. Pleasantly.”
That was not what she expected to hear. “You want me to be with him?”
Duin took the glass from her shaking hand and set it on the table. “I’m gone a week and look what he does to you.” He tugged a blanket around her.
“He didn’t… We didn’t…” She grasped at Duin, as if he were slipping away. “No, I love you, I don’t want to leave you.”
“You can’t leave me. It’s impossible. ‘Wherever we go, We are One.’ Remember, J’ni? We could be on other sides of the universe but we’re still together.”
“But you don’t love me anymore?”
The pain on her face was reflected in Duin’s reaction. “J’ni, I love you passionately. Why are you crying?” He held her to his chest.
“You found your wife.”
“No, I did not.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Neither do I. I thought you and Belloc had been friends since Meglin.”
“We’re friends, but not lovers. Why would you think that?”
“His eyes follow you like a starving puqui chasing a muk in a tidal pool.”
She had no idea what puqui or muk were, but she got the point.
“You were both living in my mother’s hut. And if I’d been teaching you how to swim, I could not have kept my jub out of you.”
“No, he never tried anything.”
“His restraint is legendary.”
“And he always slept outside.”
Duin made a small noise of surprise. Or maybe it was disgust.
“You’re not upset?”
“Yes, I’m upset, J’ni. I’m upset knowing that you two have never acknowledged your feelings for each other. I thought you loved him. You are so kind, so concerned for others—the children, the residents of Asteria, your followers. You are passionate in your devotion to me and to the freedom of my people. But Belloc is the only individual who would give his life for you. Even I can’t give you that. My life is dedicated to Glin.”
“You’re not jealous?”
“Jealousy is another kind of tyranny. Loving you does not make you my property. You are still a free individual.”
“What about Ullu? What if you found out she was with someone else?” The way you’ve been with me, she added in her mind but didn’t say it out loud.
“I’d be pleased. Wherever she is, she needs all the comfort she can get. Just as it pleases me to know that, if something were to happen to me, you would still have Belloc.”
The Glin were not identical to humans, physically or culturally, so why would she expect them to be the same emotionally? From her experiences on Meglin, she knew that some Glin were polygamous, but didn’t realize it was a common occurrence. “That’s not the way things usually work with humans. If you were human, you would punch Belloc in the face. And Ullu would hate me.”
“I see. Yes, I’d assumed Seth was an anomaly, and that his jealous possessiveness was not representative of the species. I apologize. I could have prevented your distress. No, for us it’s very different. Belloc did nothing wrong, by Glin standards. Not that we take mating lightly, of course. There are certain customs we follow. But Belloc has always been exceedingly polite to me.”
“What do you mean, polite?”
“You may have noticed that when you prepare food, he never eats until I eat first. He doesn’t spend time with you unless I’m gone. He doesn’t touch you, if I’m present.”
No, she hadn’t noticed. He didn’t touch her when Duin was absent, either. Until now.
“Is there anyone else, for you? Besides me, and Ullu?”
“You would be the first to know. You are nagyx and you take precedence, even over my wife.”
“I thought you would leave me if you found your family. Most humans don’t have more than one relationship at a time. Not openly.”
“So, what do they do if they fall in love more than once?”
“Leave the old love. Or ignore the new. Or lie.”
“That’s terrible,” said Duin.
“Loving more than one person at a time is considered betrayal.”
“So, you can’t love more than one child? More than one parent? I had three fathers, two mothers, and Whish Nagyx Sala, though he died when I was a nursling. Even Ullu had a veeloo.”
“I don’t know that word.”
“Best friend would be the translation, I guess. She loved Ullu, but wasn’t interested in me, so never joined our marriage. That’s what I thought Belloc was to you.” Duin paused in contemplation. “He’s not interested in me, is he?”
“I don’t think so. Hell, I don’t know. I didn’t even realize he was interested in me. Duh.”
“In any case, I accept your relationship with him.”
“We don’t have a relationship.”
“You don’t?” Duin chuckled. “Perhaps I used the wrong word. What do you call it when someone loves you, you love him, you both live in the same block, know everything about each other, spend a lot of time together, and would risk your lives for each other?”
“It’s not the same as the way I feel about you.”
“Understood.” Duin took both of J’ni’s hands in his and kissed them. “The currents run strong and deep between us. We are nagyx. But if you care for Belloc, it does not diminish us in any way. ‘Doubt the stars are fire; Doubt the sun does move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt our love.’”
“I don’t want to upset you.”
“Upset me? Do you think I want to see you heartbroken, at my expense? No, nagloim, it’s fine. I quite like Belloc. Though I wish I didn’t.”
“Why?”
Duin inhaled a great breath that seemed to fill him down to his webbed toes, and then he sighed. “There’s something I haven’t told you, J’ni.”
He got up and handed her the glass of water again. Then he shoved some of his luggage out of the way with his foot, placed a chair in front of her and sat down.
It wasn’t like him to sit still.
“You have heard of the Tah Ga’lin Uprising. I told you about it, when you first interviewed me. And I’m sure it was mentioned on Meglin.”
“Yes. Some Glin were trying to take over, be priests or kings or something. Back before the Tikati invaded.”
“Twenty-one years ago.” He paused, as if his words had some special significance.
“When you were very young.”
“Yes, Wrill and Tib were nurslings. I left my family to travel a great distance, to join with others, to overthrow the Tah Ga’lin. Unlike most Glin, they used a common family name, what you would call a surname, I think. They were the family of Nidenn.”
Kehlen Nidenn. Belloc’s true name echoed in her mind. He hadn’t asked h
er to keep it a secret, but it seemed to be a secret nonetheless, and she had never told it to Duin.
“Belloc’s name is Kehlen Nidenn. I know,” said Duin, as if reading her thoughts. “I overheard him telling you, on the way back from Glin.”
“You were sleeping.”
“I couldn’t sleep, the way I reeked of smoke and Tikati. J’ni, I’d long suspected that Belloc was descended of the Tah Ga’lin. Many of them were tall and blue, like Belloc. And the Nidenn family had a gift for music. Then I heard him name his mother.”
“Vindael Nidenn.”
“Vindael was the sixth child of Jeel, and Jeel was the brother of Rawl.” His lip curled in a slight snarl when he said the latter name. “I participated in the uprising which killed them, and all of Belloc’s family.”
She remembered the stories she’d heard on Wandalin. “You weren’t the only one.”
He tilted his head and shrugged. “You’ve seen how Belloc fights. It required many of us to overcome the Tah Ga’lin.”
It was one thing to kill Tikati, but J’ni didn’t like thinking that Duin was the one who murdered Belloc’s father, or aunts, or cousins. “Did you kill anyone?”
“I hit Hewel, son of Rawl, with a stone. I saw the Harp of the Wind before it was broken. I was there when they killed every last blue or silver male, female and child.”
“Every one but Belloc, and his mother. They escaped.”
“Yes.” Duin’s eyes stared past her, into memories. “I swam in the lake tarnished black with blood. I share the responsibility. And the glory.”
“Glory, for killing a family?”
“They had claimed a huge region of Glin as their own and refused to allow others to live or hunt there. They built fences, J’ni. And they began attracting other Glin to serve them, Glin who thought the Nidenn were sacred, sent by the Great Rain. It needed to be stopped.”
“Do you think Belloc knows anything about his family or who he really is?”
“No. I’ve fished for information, but I believe his mother kept her secrets.”
“Why didn’t you tell him?”
“Because I haven’t fought this hard to free my world from the Tikati, to replace one oppressor with another.”
“Belloc isn’t an oppressor.”
“Perhaps. But if his identity were known, he would bring civil war to Glin whether he wanted to or not. Which is the last thing we need. There are those who would embrace him with religious fervor, and those who would go after him with murderous hatred. Would you want either for Belloc, or for Glin?”
They sat in silence a long time as she thought about Duin’s revelations.
“Understand, J’ni. I brought him with us from Meglin, not only to help me fly the Tikati ship. But because if I recognized his color, another might as well. Many of the Heroes of the Uprising have gone beyond the Last Wave, but there’s always the chance. He is safer here. And Glin is safer.”
Duin brushed her hair from her face and kissed her cheek. “And I brought him with us because I saw how much he loves you.”
“For most humans, that would be an excellent reason to leave him there.”
“But, as you know, I’m not human. I believe all love is sacred.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Duin stood up. “So, you see my dilemma. On one side of the river, I should kill Belloc to protect Glin. On the other, he loves you, and you love him.”
“And neither you nor I would be alive without him.”
“As you say.”
“I should talk to him.”
“Eat first,” Duin suggested. “And drink some water.”
While she did, Duin pulled several pillows and blankets off of their bed and stacked them up.
“What are you doing?”
“Our Glippit has a home, and needs to stop sleeping on the ground. Tell him I said so.”
“And what else do you want me to tell him? Or not?”
Duin spread his arms. “Whatever you think he should know, nagloim. You are the Truth-Teller. I leave it in your hands.”
He lifted her face with his fingers and pressed his mouth to hers. It was a long, lingering kiss that made her feel the connection between them, still as strong as ever. Then he kissed her on both of her closed eyelids and went back to sorting through his crates.
“I’ll be out in his tippa.”
“Yes.” Duin nodded and waved his hand in the air, as if he was fanning her out the door. “Take your time. I have much to do before I return to ACCESS.”
She picked up the pile of bedding and took it into the garden. Belloc’s corner was dark and silent—no music, no Mysteria, not even any light from the fiber optic threads woven through the walls of his hut. With his Glin hearing, he would know she was there, but she called out to him anyway. There was no reply. He might be with Hax, or at Aileen’s. Or sitting in a thoroughfare somewhere. She couldn’t l’up him because he had no locator. A flutter of worry tightened her chest. Would he have left Asteria somehow?
The glow of the garden lights spilled into his hut as she entered, and she could see him curled into a ball. He looked like he was sleeping, but when she placed the bedding beside him, he sat up.
“What’s this?”
“I came to apologize.” She kneeled down on the floor.
“No.”
“Yes, because I made a very serious mistake.” Touching her bracer, she opened one of Belloc’s favorite storm vids on the wall. Gray light and the sound of soft rain filled the hut, and she could see him better. Exhausted and miserable, he looked as though he hadn’t been eating or sleeping—as she must have looked when Duin returned. He wore only pants—his head had been resting on the bunched-up sweater.
“The mistake was mine. I didn’t understand.” He sighed. “I am sorry, J’ni. Hax explained it to me. You think I’m an asshole.”
“I did, but I don’t now. Duin got back and I told him what happened. He’s not angry. He’s not even surprised. And he explained some things to me, too.”
Belloc touched the edge of a pillow. “This is from your bed.”
“Yes, Duin wants you to have it.”
Belloc lifted his eyes from the pillow to her face. “You don’t know what this means, do you?” He gestured to the bedding.
“Is it another Glin thing?”
“It doesn’t matter.” He turned away, wrapping his arms around his legs and pulling his knees to his chest. “I repulse you.”
Belloc was taller, leaner, and his pale skin even more lustrous than Duin’s. His chest and arms were sinuous and well muscled, the hands long and gentle, with translucent webbing that stretched up to the lower knuckles. The ultramarine blue of his skin shimmered when he moved. All of this she knew from memory, though at the moment he was a huddled shape in the half-dark. She also knew his kindness, patience and bravery, though she had chosen to forget them when she misunderstood his advances.
“You are not repulsive. You’re the opposite, in every way. I didn’t realize how you felt about me. Why didn’t you say anything before?”
“You have Duin. Hero, elder, founder, envoy, nagyx. But then you said I was beautiful, and I should have your hands. And Duin was gone and you offered food to me, and…you seemed to be wanting. I misunderstood.”
Damn it, she had been wanting. J’ni recalled the way his body moved with hers when they danced, and the way his lips had brushed hers when they stopped. Yes, she was wanting. Memories of their swimming lessons on Wandalin suddenly filled her thoughts, and she remembered how her bare breasts felt against his chest. She had a powerful desire to feel that again.
“You didn’t misunderstand.” Her fingertips moved over his blue skin and up his smooth, bare arm.
“J’ni…” His tone was both euphoric and terrified.
“Yes.” It was a question and an answer.
But he shrugged her off. “Don’t touch that hand, J’ni Nagyx Duin Anah Anah.” His voice was hoarse with distress, and his eyes milky white.
&
nbsp; “Why?”
His voice was a strained sob. “Because I lied. And because I lied, you were forced to misjudge me. Which makes everything since that moment a lie.”
She felt the guilt that shrouded his heart, saw the self-loathing and frustration in his clouded eyes. “What lie?”
“I am a thief.”
“You took a ship, Belloc, because Blaze let you. And it’s a good thing you did.”
“Not the ship. The knife.” He held out his hands as if they caused him terrible pain. “I stole the knife. My hands should have been given to Ga’Duhn!”
J’ni grabbed those hands and gripped them tightly in her own. Belloc tried to pull away, but she wouldn’t let go. “And if they had taken your hands, Kehlen Nidenn, son of Vindael Nidenn, I would have died in the attack on Asteria.”
He shook his head. “Duin would have saved you.”
“Duin wouldn’t be there if you hadn’t come to Glin and—”
But Belloc wouldn’t listen to her. “I learned to speak Human. I learned to fly the Tikati ship, I followed you when you were awake and watched you when you slept. I thought I could do enough to make up for lying. But I’m not Duin. I’m not noble, or heroic, or wise. I’m sad and lonely. And a liar.”
“Listen to me. I did not misjudge you. I know who you are, and what you are. And I also know where you come from.”
The look on his face was a confusion of both curiosity and wariness.
“Should I tell you?”
She barely heard him whisper. “Yes.”
“You are the last Tah Ga’lin.”
His face twisted in revulsion. “There are no Tah Ga’lin. They were all killed. Ask Duin.”
“I know he was there, and I know what happened. But in the chaos, could one have slipped away? One with a newborn baby bound in her bava. One who ran, and kept running, all her life, trying to outrun the color of her son and the fate of her family?” J’ni surprised herself with her own words. How did she know that? But she saw it in her mind as clearly as if she were watching a vid on the wall. “Duin said some of the Tah Ga’lin were blue like you. He recognized the name of your mother. When you told me her name, he was listening.”
Belloc’s head fell forward, his forehead resting on her hands. His shoulders shook, and she couldn’t tell if he was crying or laughing, or both. Pressing her cheek to the side of his head, she whispered to him.