by Sara Kincaid
I remembered our simple days, our time in the garden of East Farm, far from the eyes of the CPA where we were allowed to thrive in freedom. I found friendship and love among the green grasses and at the bank of the mighty river. It was the only time of innocence I had ever encountered and likely would ever have in my life.
When we reached the bottom of the stairwell and exited into the hallway, we met streams of people wandering into the dining area and, assuming Adem was hungry, I led him into the fray.
Once Adem was armed with a plate of food, we settled at a small table in the corner of the room. Every so often, Adem would look about furtively and I got the impression that he wasn’t entirely comfortable here. I was curious, but kept my questions to myself. I allowed Adem to eat in silence, my eyes trained on the people who wandered past. I had positioned myself in the corner, looking out so that Adem could have his back to the room.
Despite my efforts, heads turned our way and the whispers started, growing to a towering crescendo. Adem would not meet my gaze. “They’ve amassed many more Curare since the last time I was here,” he told me quietly.
“Really?”
“Yes. I wonder if they are ready for Kade. Have you heard from the War Council?”
“I have.”
Adem wiped his mouth. “And?”
I shook my head ever so slightly, my eyes trained on Janus Weatherby who approached us as quickly as his limp would allow. “Vea,” he said by way of greeting before putting his hand gently on Adem’s shoulder. His hair fell over his ears as he bent his head down to the seated man. “Adem. It has been a long time. We feared the worst.”
Adem put down his fork and gazed up at the older man. “Janus.” His lips quirked briefly into a small smile. “It’s good to see you.”
“And you, my friend,” Janus replied with feeling. He squeezed Adem’s shoulder and patted him heartily on the back.
I watched the interaction closely, my jaw clenched, unsure of what I was missing. Finally, Adem turned to me. “Janus is also from North Farm. I knew him when I was a child. He helped rescue me.”
“And you certainly paid that effort back in kind,” Madriss cut in, striding over from a nearby table. “I’m surprised you found your way back here after the way you ran off.”
Janus maintained a serene front but Adem’s face contorted. “If they hadn’t put you on the council, I might have stayed,” Adem retorted.
As the commotion began to build, more people arrived, each adding their voice to the conversation at hand until we were surrounded. “Stop this,” a voice commanded, a pitch above the rest. I turned to see Aster, standing with her hands on her hips, her eyes narrowed dangerously. She was tall, her head peeking up over the top of the crowd. “This is not the place for such a spectacle. We are a unified front.” She bit the words harshly as they left her lips. Her curls were frayed and frizzed around her face, her mouth strained. “Save this conversation for another day.” At her command, the crowd dispersed. Janus remained, his hand on Adem’s shoulder while Madriss disappeared into the crowd.
After the confrontation in the dining area, I found myself wandering the dank halls of the stronghold alone. Adem had retreated to a room he was sharing with a few other Curare. If I passed others in the maze of walkways, they often skirted to the side, fearful of my touch, perhaps, because it inexplicably brought death to Leo, or because I had brought a deserter back into their ranks.
Down one hallway, I caught sight of a light wavering against the shadows. I followed it to a doorway and peered inside only to behold Aster tying her hair back beneath a swath of hemp cloth. She heard my bare feet on the stones and looked up. “Hello, Vea.”
“I’m sorry for intruding. I’ve just been wandering.”
She replied with a smile. “Please come in.” She beckoned to me with one hand before securing the cloth with a pin. “I have been meaning to speak to you.”
Hesitantly, I pulled the sheer curtain aside and stepped into her quarters. “I have been hoping to talk to you, too.” I sat down heavily on a vacant stool. “I’m sorry about what happened today. I didn’t know that Adem would be unwelcome.”
“There is no need to apologize. Adem is quite welcome here, the same as any who share our vision.” She gave her wild curls a pat and then turned to face me.
“It didn’t look that way,” I replied. An uncomfortable silence settled between us and disappointment haunted my thoughts. This what not the sort of conversation I had imagined having with Aster. Even in my youth, I had dreamed of such a moment, to be connected with the woman who tried to save the first Curare. I had once worshiped Aster. But during my time with the Undergrounds, I learned that she was simply human. On her face, I traced the map of her complicated life. I noted the disappointments and sorrows in each crevice, the small moments of happiness in the laugh lines that framed her eyes and mouth.
“Things here are complicated, as you can imagine.” I nodded, waiting for her to continue. “We all have one goal, of course, and we have not forgotten that.” In her voice, I could hear how she clung to that belief. Without it, she would break.
I swallowed my own thoughts. “Even Madriss?”
Aster smiled regretfully. “Even Madriss. I think you will see that he is even more dedicated to this cause than it appears. It was Leo who brought him into the fold.”
My eyes widened. “Leo?” I couldn’t begin to imagine the master plan he had plotted out in his head. If he were alive today, then perhaps the future of the Undergrounds and the cause of the Curare would seem less grim.
“If we are to fight, then it’s important that all of us have proper training. Madriss is an excellent and experienced commander. I know things have not gotten off on a good foot with him for you, but I do hope that you will see the value in what he knows. I think his experience will be as useful for you as it is for all of us.” Her eyes were large and round. I could see that she truly believed the words she spoke and, because I had admired her so, I nodded.
In an underground hideaway harboring hundreds of rebels, it’s hard to find a moment of solitude, much less privacy. Even in the late hours of the evening when most are asleep, one runs the risk of curious ears and eyes in shadowed doorways or darkened corners. The ancient stairwells echoed, sending even the quietest voices bouncing from wall to wall and back again; it was hardly the place for secrets.
I waited impatiently in my room for Adem to come, somehow knowing that he would. The quiet noises of a world abed lulled me further and sleep beckoned with an enticing hand. When he finally arrived, my eyes were heavy, though my heart thrummed with anticipation.
Adem’s brows were knit together with concern, his dark features creased when he stepped through the doorway. His hemp clothing rustled quietly as he moved the chair to my bedside where I sat leaning against the wall. We sat there in silence for a time, waiting for the right words to come. Finally, I broke the thin silence that had settled over us like mist. “There’s a lot I didn’t know.” My voice was even and calm. Adem was my friend, my ally and the one person I knew I could trust.
He didn’t answer right away, but shifted in his seat, the words forming in his mind before he offered them to me for evaluation. “Yes, I’m sorry. I left the Undergrounds for obvious reasons; Madriss being the main one. I felt, and still feel, that he is unfit.” He coughed quietly into his hand. “You will soon see what I mean, I expect. If you don’t already know.”
I nodded. “What happened?”
Adem sighed again and ran his hand through his hair, gathering his thoughts. When he spoke, his story spilled forth like an avalanche and each boulder, upon its release, seemed to leave him lighter than he had been a moment ago. “When I met you and Leo in East Farm, it wasn’t the first time I had encountered Leo. He took part in the mission to rescue me from the CPA.” I allowed his words to soak in before encouraging him to continue. “Why they chose me
as opposed to another, younger Curare, I can’t say. Perhaps it was due to Janus, who knew me in his younger days. Maybe my family’s lobbying of support had something to do with it.” He shrugged. “Regardless, I was the one they rescued and Leo’s was the first face I encountered from the outside world.”
I thought back to the urgent whispers I’d heard over the crackle of the fire as I drifted off to sleep. It seemed to me that Leo and Adem had become fast friends, but it hadn’t occurred to me that they had known each other before. “What did Leo think of you leaving the Undergrounds?”
“He sympathized, even though he had chosen Madriss. It may not have been the decision he wanted me to make, but he respected me enough to refrain from questioning me.” Then, as if realization struck, Adem’s eyes wandered around the room and back to me. “Where is Leo?”
My heart constricted and I bowed my head. I couldn’t meet his gaze when I told him. But I told the story with dry eyes. Adem held his tongue until I had finished speaking, his hand resting sympathetically on my shoulder. When I finished the tale, I felt a familiar ache in my chest, my eyes searching for forgiveness.
“I’m so sorry, Vea. I know what he was to you and you to him.” His eyes were also dry, though I shouldn’t have expected anything else. Adem was a warrior, self-trained perhaps, but a warrior still. He’d lost his entire life to the CPA. There was little holding him back from the battle we knew would come.
I laughed bitterly then. “Then you knew long before I allowed myself to know.”
“Sometimes it’s easier to be on the outside looking in. It’s better for perspective.” He paused for a moment before continuing, moving his hands back to his lap. “I won’t pretend that I can ease your grief by telling you my own stories of loss. But know that we are comrades in our grief, just as we will be on the battlefield.” Moved by his words, my breath caught in my throat. “What’s our next move?”
“You won’t follow Aster?” The Undergrounds, disorganized as they were, understood the game and the stakes. I was as green as a new leaf and new to the cause of rebellion. Why should anyone follow me?
“No. Vea, whether you want it or not, you are my leader.”
The thought of leading a horde to the front lines terrified me. I could not handle the weight of the responsibility for so many lives. The loss of Leo, however dear he was, would pale in comparison to my feelings of losing an entire battalion, particularly people fighting for the cause that was my own to bear. “I’m not fit to lead, Adem. Aster knows what she is doing.”
“Aster is of grave importance and we all owe her so much. But Vea, the council hasn’t made a move in so long. I’m not sure we can risk waiting for them to find their footing. I’m sure losing Leo was a heavy blow. He was the heart of the movement and the glue that kept everyone together. And now that they know he isn’t coming back, a new leader to assist Aster will need to emerge. Until that happens, they’ll be useless.”
“And I shouldn’t assist Aster?”
“No, you shouldn’t. Surely you’ve noticed the council’s shortcomings?”
I nodded. I knew what he meant. I wasn’t the only one who noted the lack of a Curare on the council and though I had attended at least one meeting, I wasn’t sure that qualified me as a member. But surely Leo had noticed the absence of a Curare on their council?
“So,” he began again, “What’s our next move?”
I sighed and shook my head. “I’m not sure. First we should see what sort of training the Undergrounds have been receiving from Madriss.” Adem’s mouth turned down at the corners at the prospect. “I know how you feel. But Aster has asked me only this evening to see for myself and I have agreed, though perhaps against my better judgment.”
“Aster is iconic, it’s hard to deny her anything. I will go with you.”
I smiled. “Thank you.”
Aster,
I have been blind until this night. All these years. All of this time wasted because I could not see what’s right in front of me.
You never asked to see my abilities and yet you never questioned that they existed. You’ve never questioned my sanity nor my motivations. For the hundredth time you were trying to convince me to run away, to flee the City. I was starting to feel exasperated with you until you offered to go with me. “I would go with you, you know….if you wanted. You wouldn’t be alone.” The room hummed, warbling with the hesitancy in your voice and I felt my breath catch at the magnanimity of the confession that lay beneath your words. I will remember those words forever.
And I want this. Oh, Aster I want this so. I realize it now. But it can never be. So, instead of agreeing, I picked up your hand, marveling at the beauty of your rich, russet-brown skin in the dim lights. Then, I saw them. The pockmarks on your forearm and I could see the dullness in your eyes. You’ve been using Pop. In the moment, I asked you to stop and mixed with your guilt, I saw that you were laughing at me. With everything going on and the offer you made to me, this is how I respond. I am but human.
I don’t know what came over me then. In all the years we have been friends, we’ve never had a physical relationship. But I felt drawn to you. Perhaps I always have, but I buried it. At first, it was because we were friends and in the City, you were the only friend I had, the only person who accepted me for being from the farms. And then, I was with Brandi, even though she was all wrong.
Kissing you brought a rush like a drug in my veins and I quickly fell under your spell. Your touch was like fire and the ice within me needed unlocking. Aster, in those moments with you last night, I finally knew what it means to be alive.
And though I wish desperately that I could, I know that I cannot run away with you. Please, Aster, go live your life. Forget my abilities, forget everything that has happened. I have held us frozen in place through my own stupidity for the past ten years. I will not see you held captive because of these abilities, because of my heritage or who I am, whatever that is now. Live the rest of your life; for when the masses come for me, I will go with them. Humanity is not ready for these abilities and I will not see your life wasted for the sake of my own.
Please understand.
Bram
Chapter 10
Buried like a secret beneath the streets of the City, the hallways of the Undergrounds’ stronghold echoed with energy, with rebellion. It ebbed and flowed, its course barely held in check by the war council. They each stood, brave stones against the current, striving to mitigate the passions of their followers and their own petty disagreements, biding their time until the moment was right for the uprising.
I walked those same hallways, brushing shoulders with my fellow Curare and allies, but my soul did not hum with songs of battle. I had shed the ribbons that had once encircled my feet, leaving me fully exposed and unabashedly drawing energy from the earth through the cool bricks that scuffed my heels. I had grown stronger somehow when I accepted my power for what it was. Adem, who walked silently beside me, noted the absence of the ribbons with approval warming his voice. “This is good.”
I didn’t shed those bonds, the remains of my life before, for want of power. Yes, I had embraced my identity. But it was also the sticky remnants of my grief that motivated me—and the knowledge that Leo himself had walked these same halls, hidden away from the world in much the same way that I was in my childhood. With my feet naked against those rough stones, I felt close to him, imagining him traipsing the twisting halls with his determined stride. Perhaps he, too, had once stepped upon this very rock.
In my heart, I knew that I would never see him again and would not even get the chance to part ways ceremoniously. There were no remains to be buried and given back to the earth. Returning his body to the terra he loved would help to set the rhythms right once more. My chest tightened and I gripped my hands into tight fists. I tried not to imagine what might have happened to his corpse after I had escaped from the prison.
&
nbsp; As the people above ground were hustling to work, streaming in and out of transport vehicles, standing in lines at the lifts and consuming the industrial slop fed to them by the same overseers who were meant to care for them, the Curare and their would-be saviors took up arms. Layers of dirt, centuries of grime, pollution and concrete muffled the sounds of revolution. Deep in the heart of the earth, battle cries flew and Curare and non-Curare alike trained under the watchful eye of Madriss.
I followed the clamor through the dank, poorly lit hallway until I arrived at the mouth of a large room. Ancient bricks crumbled and mortar disintegrated beneath my feet as I entered. They clashed, trading blows, but not strikes of power. Curare wielded awkward weapons, objects that were unfamiliar and unnatural to them. For most, the heaviest item they had ever lifted was a hoe or a rake, perhaps shoveling a spade full of earth. The sight of them struggling with firearms and makeshift weapons led me to understand for a second time why we were thought to be pacifists. The world always gave us the wrong weapons, underestimating the potential of the arsenal we were born with and for which we were exploited by our captors. In truth, we ourselves could be wielded if we so chose.
Eyes turned toward me as I entered. Madriss straightened up from his battle stance and crossed his arms over his chest. His closely cropped hair gleamed with sweat and his chest puffed with exertion. He regarded me with shrewd, brown eyes. “Come to train with us? I trust you have dealt with your grief, then?” His tone was condescending and I felt myself bristle. By now surely everyone in the entire stronghold knew of my role in Leo’s death. Killed by a Curare, the very person he sought to find.
“Don’t talk about things you don’t understand,” I growled, quickly forgetting my original purpose in coming here. I had meant only to observe, to satisfy Aster’s request and confirm my own doubts.