blamed us for her shortcomings. It was understood that what went on
inside our house was private and not to be shared with outsiders. Anyway, most of the time she had us all so convinced that we deserved what we got that we’d be ashamed to tell anyone a thing.”
The take-aways may include
7 I can’t rely on you; you’re not really there.
7 I have to keep quiet and protect you, or else…
7 I’m responsible for your self-image.
7 I’m responsible for making you feel whole.
8. Either underexpressed or overexpressed
feelings of anger, seen in frequent displays of
temper, rage, recurrent physical fights, or
extreme sarcasm or withdrawal.
Rages. Many adult children know them all too well, whether the
trigger is a coat hung askew in the closet, a spilled drink, a loud TV, sick-ness, the suggestion that the person with BPD doesn’t remember some-
thing the way others do, or a request for a divorce. Whether precipitated by something seemingly trivial or serious, the storm—not uncommonly
I Never Knew It Had a Name
19
comprised of verbal assaults or physical abuse—can subside just as quickly as it rolled in. Some recipients of the rage report the need to run
away—out of the house, out of the car, or to safety in a locked room—so
fearful are they of the loss of control and capacity for violence in their parent with BPD.
Because of difficulties dealing with anger, those with BPD may dem-
onstrate passive-aggressive behavior, like one woman who would initiate
hair-pulling contests with her teenaged daughter. They’d pull until one or the other held a clump of hair in her hand, or the pain was too much and
someone gave in, all in “fun,” of course.
“I was about four years old,” recalls Lizbeth, forty-six, “cowering
under the kitchen table. My mother was crouched in front of me, walling
me in, rubbing my face into the plate of food I supposedly asked for and
then hadn’t finished. She made me walk around with chunks of scrambled
egg in my hair until she was ready to bathe me and wash it out. Over the
years, she’d tell the story to others and say, ‘That’s why she’s a little off now. She was abused,’ and she’d laugh—cackle is more like it.”
Those with BPD may go to great lengths to deflect anger in others,
which can be infuriating to a loved one trying to communicate honest feelings. Parents with BPD may not accept responsibility for their behavior,
nor be willing to listen to how they might have caused emotional or physical harm. If you try to point out their behavior, they may lash out with an abusive tirade or stone-cold silence, attempting to place blame on you
instead (“If you hadn’t done this, I wouldn’t have had to beat you”).
“I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to be angry as a child,” says Robert. “Whenever I
raised my voice, almost always in response to some untrue accusation of
manipulating my borderline mother in some way, I was banished to my
room. When I protested, I was told, ‘We’ll discuss it when you’re ratio-
nal.’ We never did. I’d get the silent treatment for days at a time, and then all of a sudden, like someone flipped a light switch, I was human again
and would be spoken to rather than glared at. I’d write long notes,
explaining that I hadn’t lied or manipulated; I’d fill in the pieces she
seemed to have missed. I’d leave the notes for her at night. I’d always end them by saying I was sorry she was upset and that I loved her. The next
day I’d find them, sometimes unopened or crumpled in a ball, in the trash.
I’d ask if she’d gotten my note. ‘We’ll discuss it later.’ After years of this, when I was a teenager, she said to me, ‘You seem very angry.’ Huh, imagine that. Sixteen years of being stifled, blamed for things I hadn’t done, told I was irrational by someone who wasn’t exactly acting rationally, and not given a chance to speak. Imagine having three minutes on the witness
stand to defend your life, except that opposing counsel gets to duct-tape
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Surviving a Borderline Parent
your mouth shut. ‘How perceptive of you,’ I wanted to say. ‘You’re damn
right, I’m angry.’”
The take-aways may include
7 I shouldn’t express my feelings, especially anger.
7 I have to watch what I say or I might make you violently angry.
7 Rage and contrition cycle so quickly, they don’t seem to be
related. Feelings seem random, not necessarily in response to
external stimuli.
7 Stifling my feelings is the safest thing to do.
9. Brief extreme periods of mistrust, paranoia,
or feelings of unreality (numbness,
disconnection).
Those close to someone with BPD may notice brief fogs or spells of
being out of it—brief breaks with reality or psychotic episodes. When confronting someone with BPD for their inappropriate behavior, perhaps a lie or simply recalling a conversation, adult children have described a blank look. At the time, the parent may have spaced out. He or she truly may
not remember.
Adult children may also recall many accusations and their parents’
readiness to blame and to assume ill intent on the part of others.
Dave, twenty-nine, says, “If a lasagna wasn’t fully baked when the
oven timer went off, someone else must have deliberately turned the tem-
perature down. If I didn’t call her at work at 3:30 to say I was home from school, I must have had friends over and was partying. If she couldn’t find her favorite pen (because she left it somewhere and forgot), one of the
kids stole it. The accusations never stopped. But the scary thing is, she really believed the little scenarios she cooked up, regardless of how far from the truth they were.”
The take-aways may include
7 I remember reality differently than you do. Since you seem so
sure of your recollection (and you’re the adult), I must be wrong.
7 I misinterpreted the event.
7 I can’t trust my own judgment.
7 I just don’t get people.
7 If I’m perfect, if I do everything just right, I won’t be subject to
false accusations.
I Never Knew It Had a Name
21
7 I have to always prove my case and be at the ready to defend my
actions. My choices, simply because they’re what I decided (based
on my needs and preferences), aren’t valid or acceptable.
A Fairy-Tale Model
In her book, Understanding the Borderline Mother, author Christine Ann Lawson (2000) uses fairy-tale personalities—the waif, the queen, the hermit, the witch—to describe borderline traits. While these categories can
help you identify the disorder and its various aspects and help you understand your childhood experience, people with BPD or its traits may at
times exhibit behavior that overlaps categories. As you read the following brief descriptions based on Lawson’s work, which applies to men and
women alike, keep in mind that your parent may show characteristics of
more than one type, and different people within your family may have
been exposed to different traits.
The Waif
The waif feels like a helpless victim. She (or he) may appear social
but never really engage with others on a deeper level. She may be “inap-
propriately open” and then reject those with whom she’s just shared; “fish for compliments” and then deny them; complain and then wave away suggestions and offers of help. The waif fe
els hopeless and anticipates
negativity, even before she has any evidence that it might be in store.
Characteristics of a waif parent include permissiveness, alternately
spoiling and neglecting children, and using fantasies of a fairy tale life to distract from reality. The waif is more likely to cry than rage, and to suffer from anxiety and depression.
Messages from a waif parent may include: Life is so hard; nobody
loves me; I have it a lot worse than you/others.
The Queen
The queen feels empty yet entitled. She yearns for material wealth,
beauty, attention and loyalty. Queen parents may compete with a child for attention, feel jealous of their child’s achievements or attributes and act in selfish and domineering ways. When others comment on or challenge the
queen’s beliefs or behavior, she may paint them as the enemy.
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Surviving a Borderline Parent
Characteristics of a queen parent include expecting his or her chil-
dren to see things the same way and to be loyal; dramatic or histrionic
behavior; and a tendency toward exaggeration. The queen has a hard time
respecting others’ boundaries and preferences. Despite her needs, she may come across as quite strong and independent.
Messages children of queen parents may receive include: You must
love me; I resent you when you need something from me.
The Hermit
The hermit feels fear; he’s always on alert against potential danger.
He may seem paranoid at times, perceiving threats where others don’t.
Phobias or superstitions may interfere with daily living. Benign or even
helpful comments from others may be interpreted as a threat or attack.
Hermits can be excessively self-protecting, possessive, and domineering.
They may seem hypersensitive and feel violated when someone touches or
borrows something that belongs to them. When angry, they may fly into a
rage or give the “silent treatment.”
Messages from a hermit parent include: The world is a scary, dan-
gerous place; They won’t stop until they get me.
The Witch
Witches feel white-hot rage. Few borderline parents consistently
exhibit witch-like behavior. Rather, the witch seems to emerge from the
waif, queen, or hermit when triggered by perceived rejection or her own
self-hatred. Witches may use shame and embarrassment of their children
as parenting tools.
Witch parents can be domineering and vindictive; they may seem to
repeatedly be at the center of conflict when it arises. They may have a
hard time respecting others’ boundaries and may ruin a child’s cherished
possessions, give away or euthanize a child’s pets, or withhold affection or care. They may be physically abusive as well.
Witch parents may send the following messages: Boy, will you regret
that; You asked for it.
Defying Classification
Adult children share a host of common experiences which we will exam-
ine further in chapter 2. One of the most difficult things can be the lack of
I Never Knew It Had a Name
23
validation of your childhood pain. People with BPD don’t always appear
“crazy.” Many are quite high-functioning, appearing perfectly healthy to
the outside world. This can make children doubt their own judgment, and
it can undermine their sense of self-worth. Children see Mom or Dad act-
ing in normal ways with some people and then cruelly at home, and they
come to believe they’re the cause of their parent’s negative and/or inconsistent behavior.
Acting Out Versus Acting In
In Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone
You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder, Kreger and Mason (1998) identify two groups: those with BPD that act in and those that act out.
Those that act out tend to function well in public; they are doctors
and managers, lawyers and parents, best friends and board members;
they’re politicians and teachers. They are often fun to be around. They
may be ambitious, successful professionally, the life of the party, sociable, and great storytellers. They may have a knack for putting others at ease.
Once out of the public eye, however, they direct their negative emotion at others—usually family members—pointing an accusatory finger, making
impossible demands, and inflicting verbal, emotional, and sometimes phys-
ical abuse on loved ones. (Some adult children recall being told as adolescents that they were ugly, unpopular, and wouldn’t amount to anything,
for example.) From outward appearances, the person with BPD may seem
the model of competence and normalcy. Some do well except under stress
or in particular areas of their lives—for example, the person who is an
award-winning professional, brilliant and well-respected, but who unravels at home with her kids and husband when the household chores aren’t
done properly and in a timely manner. Their personal lives and intimate
relationships may be intensely chaotic, making it all the more difficult for family members, particularly children, to ask for help—or even to realize something isn’t normal.
Others with BPD act in, tending instead to turn negative emotion
inward, resulting in self-destructive behaviors such as cutting, self-
mutilation, abusing alcohol or drugs, feeling intensely guilty for circumstances and events beyond their control, setting unreasonably high stan-
dards for themselves, or attempting suicide. They tend to be heavy
utilizers of the mental health, and health care systems, and may have difficulty keeping a permanent job. (BPD comprises about 10 percent of the
24
Surviving a Borderline Parent
outpatient mental health patient population and 15 to 20 percent of the
inpatient population (APA 2001).)
It’s important to note that the acting-in and acting-out or high- and
low-functioning labels are not mutually exclusive. Those with the disorder may show signs of both. One woman, now “divorced” from her borderline mother after years of suicide threats and attempts, explains how her mother had trouble holding down jobs and had an addiction to prescription medications, but was popular among her circle of friends. “She was
such a sweet person to others; she’d give you the shirt off her back.”
BPD exists along a spectrum, running the gamut from mild to severe
as well as occurring with other psychiatric disturbances. Some adult children may recall superficially normal childhoods, with all the trappings of material wealth and success but with strange or erratic behavior and subtle but insidious emotional abuse at home. Others recall a parent who had
trouble getting out of bed in the morning, rarely cleaned the house or
bought groceries, who may have been hospitalized for repeated suicide
attempts or severe addiction. There’s only one constant with BPD, and
that’s inconsistency.
Picking Up the Signals
Children learn from their parents. Almost as soon as you made your
debut in the world, you took cues from your parents as to what this place would be like and your role within it. If your primary teachers were working from a confusing lesson plan, you may have absorbed some unhelpful,
unhealthy messages as you developed.
The messages children may receive from parents with BPD include
7 I’m a victim; you hurt me and/or it’s your responsibility to take
care of me.
7 I have no control
; I’m not to be held accountable for what I say
or do. I may not even accurately remember what transpired.
7 My needs come first. When I do something for you, it’s possible
I’m doing it to satisfy some need I have (giving you a gift makes
me feel like I’m being a good parent; it’s less about you than
about me).
7 No one understands me. No one could possibly understand how
hard I have it, how difficult my life is, what I’m going through.
I Never Knew It Had a Name
25
7 I am entitled; (alternately) I am worthless, in which case it’s your
responsibility to bolster my sense of self. I rely on you—better
not let me down.
7 My perspective is right; the rest of the world is wrong. But
nobody listens to me.
STOP AND THINK: Record Your Messages
Are there other messages you heard from your parent? Record them in
your journal, and include what your parent said or did that conveyed the
message.
STOP AND THINK: The Lessons Are Clear
As you read through the following list, ask yourself if you learned any of the following lessons as a child and if they still affect you now. Don’t
judge yourself (“I shouldn’t have felt that way”). Just see if anything
resonates.
. You can’t trust others, even those that are close to you because
your confidence is often—and randomly—betrayed.
. You’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t; you just can’t
do anything right.
. It’s unsafe to express your true feelings, because they will be
mocked, denigrated, or ignored.
. You can’t trust yourself, since your perceptions are usually
corrected.
. People manipulate; gifts come with strings attached.
. Life holds little physical affection—few hugs or pats on the head.
. You are undeserving of love and affection, compliments, or mate-
rial items.
. You are guilty of being a burden, for the sacrifices your parent
made for you, for being angry, for disagreeing, for having your
own needs, for being a child, for being your own person.
. It’s risky to assert yourself; others’ needs, desires, and opinions
come first.
Are there other lessons you learned?
Surviving the Borderline Parent Page 4