7 Do you wish you could tame your emotions or perhaps be
unemotional at times?
STOP AND THINK: Emotional Challenges
What are some of your emotional challenges? Where do you think these
issues came from?
Set a few goals for recognizing and managing your emotions. What
do you want to work on improving? Commit them to paper, and think
about how you’ll judge improvement. For instance, “I know I’ll be more
in control of my feelings when I can say why I’m angry rather than imme-
diately start yelling.”
Emotional Shades of Meaning
There are hundreds of emotions, ranging in degree and sometimes
with only subtle differences between them. For instance, anger can range
from mild irritation or annoyance to rage and fury; sadness can range
from feeling a little blue to utter despair and hopelessness. It’s important to understand the distinctions among emotions as well as to be able to
assess how you feel. Because you feel annoyed with someone doesn’t mean
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you should fly into a rage and swear never to speak to them again.
Because you feel sad about something that happened today doesn’t mean
the world will end and you should give up all hope of ever feeling better.
Emotion dys regulation is a hallmark of BPD, and children raised by a parent with it may not have had the best emotional role model to learn from.
Emotions serve several purposes, actually. They help you communi-
cate with yourself and with others, they serve your need to influence and control your environment and the behavior of others, they alert you to
danger, they help organize and motivate you for action, and they validate your perceptions of the world around you.
Your emotional life is shaped by many factors, including your biol-
ogy and temperament and the external responses you receive from others.
You’re also influenced by your thoughts and feelings, such as your inter-
pretation of an experience. For instance, a loud, unexpected noise may
sound like an explosion in one context or like a harmless street construction project in another. Emotions can also be caused by other, primary,
emotions, such as when hurt or disappointment leads to anger or when
anger leads to feelings of guilt. Finally, your beliefs influence your emotional life. As discussed with grief and self-blame, it’s important to identify the beliefs you may hold about emotions and challenge them.
STOP AND THINK:
Common Beliefs about Emotions
Mark the statements below with which you agree. Consider to what
degree you’ve incorporated them into your emotional life. Then try to
write a statement that transforms each one into a healthier belief.
If I share my emotions with the people around me, they’ll
think I’m weak, or worse, crazy.
There are right and wrong ways I should feel, depending on
the circumstance.
Someone who’s really emotional is probably out of control a
lot of the time.
If I spend too much time analyzing my emotions, I’ll come
across to others as self-absorbed.
It’s generally safer not to talk too much about emotions; no
one will understand anyway.
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59
When I feel angry (jealous, hurt), I should be able to just snap
out of it.
Emotions are unproductive. After all, they don’t really mean
anything.
Negative emotions are usually the result of something else, like
PMS or waking up on the wrong side of the bed; they’re not
really valid and they change for no reason.
Think about what other beliefs about emotions you hold. Now, for
each one, write a statement that challenges it.
Recognizing Emotions
If emotions are dynamic and subjective, how can you recognize
them? How can you identify what you’re feeling? At times you may know
right away. At other times, you may figure it out based on your actions.
For example, you may suddenly realize your voice is getting louder, and
you’d understand you were feeling anger. Our thoughts can also tell us
about our emotions—“I realized all these morbid thoughts were running
through my mind, and I knew I was feeling sad.” And physical sensations
can signal emotions: a racing heart, tight muscles, tightness in your chest, clenched fists or jaw, shaking hands, ringing ears, flushed cheeks, pounding temples, tears, sweaty palms, or relaxed shoulders for example.
STOP AND THINK: What Are Your Signs?
What cognitive signs (thoughts), actions, and physical signals indicate particular emotions for you? Write them down in your journal. Be sure to
include signs for anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, and happiness.
Accepting Painful Emotions
Next time you realize you’re beginning to feel a strong emotion, try
to just pay attention to it without judging yourself for having it (“I shouldn’t be angry about this; it wasn’t really his fault”) or react to it (verbally attacking the person you’re angry at). Try not to deny the emotion (“It’s fine; I’m not angry”). Instead, be aware of it and how you feel. Don’t
assume you’re overreacting or misinterpreting the situation.
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Expect this to be extremely difficult. Try not to take action based on
your feelings until after you’ve been able to pay attention to them for a while. And remember that the intensity will pass, and you can address the situation later.
Make It Easier to Manage Your Emotions
It’s not possible—or desirable—to eliminate distressing emotions,
but they’re a whole lot easier to accept and manage when you know you
possess the ability to nurture yourself and feel rested, clearheaded,
healthy, and strong.
Circumstances will inevitably arise that you can’t control, such as the
weather, accidents, other people’s behavior. But more often than not, you have quite a bit of control over how you respond to your feelings. The
following may seem obvious, but they’re very easy to overlook:
7 Get the right amount of rest—neither too much nor too little. If
you have trouble sleeping, you should be evaluated by a sleep spe-
cialist. Commonly prescribed medications, alcohol, eating before
bed, stress, sleep apnea, and other factors and conditions can
affect sleep patterns and subsequently how you feel during wak-
ing hours. Getting too much sleep can make you feel groggy and
sluggish.
7 Take good care of yourself physically. Follow preventive care reg-
imens and seek treatment for any conditions you may have.
7 Eat a healthy, balanced diet. If you have food restrictions based
on physical conditions (allergies or diabetes, for instance), be sure
to adhere to them.
7 Exercise. Set realistic goals for yourself, based on your current
state of health. If you’ve been sedentary, don’t set a goal of run-
ning a marathon in the coming six months. Rather, for instance,
aim for a ten-minute walk three days a week for a month, then
four days a week, then five days a week, then try walking for fif-
teen minutes at a time.
7 Reduce or avoid substances such as alcohol, marijuana, cocaine,
caffeine. Take prescr
iption medications only under the care of
your physician and/or psychiatrist.
7 Do things that help you feel confident and competent, as seem-
ingly small as they may be.
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61
7 Don’t isolate yourself. Call or visit with friends on a regular basis.
7 Make a list of some simple things that make you feel happy and
appreciative (looking at a flower, lighting a candle, listening to a
favorite song or CD, reading before getting out of bed in the
morning) and try to do at least one of them daily.
Telling Your Truth to Family
and Friends
Part of accepting the reality of your parent’s shortcomings and your own
circumstances is communicating your history and feelings to those close to you. As you find out about this illness and its impact on you, it’s only natural to want to confide in others. At the same time, you should be aware that others may resist hearing what you have to say and may make invalidating
comments. In an ideal world, we would all get enthusiastic validation from others when we disclose personal information, but unfortunately it’s not an ideal world. And because you grew up not having your feelings and perceptions acknowledged and mirrored, you may be especially sensitive to invalidation from others around you.
Invalidation
Have you ever confided in a friend about a touchy family situation
or your suspicion that your parent had BPD, only to hear, “Oh, I’m sure it wasn’t that bad,” or, “But your father/mother is so nice, he/she probably didn’t mean it the way you think”? It can be maddening, saddening, frustrating, and terribly disappointing to have your feelings and perceptions dismissed by someone you thought understood you, who you trusted
enough to confide in. But the other person’s reaction doesn’t negate your perceptions. Because someone doesn’t agree with you or understand what
you’re conveying doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
Consider some of the reasons why a person might make invalidating
comments. They include society’s beliefs and myths about family and
kinship:
7 Blood is thicker than water.
7 Honor thy parents.
7 Love conquers all.
7 Keep the peace.
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7 Don’t air dirty laundry.
7 What will the neighbors think?
Can you think of other beliefs, myths, and sayings?
Because many consider discussions of “what goes on behind closed
doors” to be off-limits in social settings, some people just may be uncomfortable talking about family dysfunction and highly emotional issues.
They may therefore not have much experience and may not really know
how to be a good listener or how to validate what someone else says.
They may truly be intending to help, provide feedback, or offer solutions, even though you may not perceive it that way.
Everybody has issues to come to terms with. You never really know
as you tell someone else your story what thoughts, emotions, and painful memories it’s raising for them. Even if others don’t tell you—and they
may not realize themselves—your words may hit a little too close to
home. Their reaction may in fact have very little to do with your disclo-
sures and more with their own insecurities, fears, and projections.
A Rule of Disclosure
Remember that you’re not obligated to share information with any-
one you don’t want to. It’s easy to be seduced, if you will, by someone
who seems to demonstrate the qualities you so desperately wanted (want)
in a parent. So when an acquaintance or friend appears to be interested in you and your life, it’s very tempting to quickly open up and share personal details. A good rule-of-thumb is to disclose information slowly. Keep in mind the analogy of getting accustomed to a pool of cold water. You
first dip your toe in, then wade up to your knees for a while, then perhaps splash a little water on your arms and torso before diving in. No matter
how well you know someone, it’s entirely up to you to decide how much,
if anything, you want to disclose.
STOP AND THINK:
Minimizing the Risk of Invalidation
Make a list of the qualities and/or behaviors that make you feel comfort-
able confiding in someone. For example, you might list things like “does-
n’t interrupt, doesn’t gossip, is sensitive and empathetic.”
Now make a list of the behaviors and qualities that would serve as a
warning to you that a person might not be someone with whom you want
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63
to share sensitive information. You might list things like, “gossips a lot, cuts me off mid-sentence with, ‘That’s nothing, you should hear what happened to me.’”
The above exercise may cause you to think further about who your
real friends are. It’s important at different points in your life to consider that. As you grow and change and develop more insight, your friends will
likely change too. You may find that you’ve outgrown certain friendships.
You may come to realize someone you were close to now reminds you in
some important ways of your parent with BPD. You may begin to notice
that you’re not as excited to spend time with some people as you used to
be, or that you become bored or tired as you interact with them. Again,
it’s up to you to choose your friends. Because someone wants to be your
friend or says he needs you doesn’t mean the relationship works for you.
It’s entirely your choice.
If you’re with someone you don’t want to share information with, or
you get into a conversation and realize you’re not comfortable sharing
anything further, it’s perfectly acceptable to say, “You know, that’s just not something I want to talk about now,” or “I really don’t feel like getting into it today,” or “It’s complicated.”
STOP AND THINK: Putting on the Brakes
Using your own words and personal style, come up with three to five
statements that firmly but politely make it clear that you won’t be sharing further details. Remember too that communication relies heavily on body
language and voice inflection, so practice your statements (in front of a mirror or with a friend or therapist) standing up straight, looking directly at the person, and finishing your statement deliberately so that it doesn’t sound timid or like you’re asking for permission.
Develop and rehearse some responses to invalidating remarks you’ve
heard. Some examples to develop, rehearse, and then file away might
include, “I realize that’s your experience, but mine tells me something different,” or “I understand that outsiders might not see it this way, but I know what I know.” While it’s good to do this so you don’t feel like kick-ing yourself later for what you think you should have said, you also don’t want to walk around constantly on guard, assuming others won’t accept what you have to say.
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Family Investments
Sharing your experience with a borderline parent may present differ-
ent or additional challenges when you broach the subject with family
members, who are obviously more invested in what you have to say than
people who aren’t related. Family members may
7 wonder if your parent’s illness was somehow their fault or
whether they contributed in some way
7 be upset with themselves for not realizing something was wrong
&nbs
p; 7 be angry, sad, disappointed that their hopes and expectations
were dashed
7 feel guilty for not doing more to protect you and your siblings
7 be frightened that they have or will develop borderline traits
themselves
7 suffer from something akin to survivor’s guilt, where they wonder
why they didn’t develop the disorder but your parent did
When invalidation comes from a family member, it can be devastat-
ing. Dan, the grown son of a mother he believes has BPD, recalls telling
his mother’s sister about the disorder. He’d just learned about it in an
Internet forum—the symptoms and stories he read fit his experience so
closely “it was scary.” Feeling a tremendous sense of relief at finally
understanding what he experienced during his childhood, he told a few
relatives, including his aunt. She listened but didn’t say much, but later he found out through his sister that his aunt thought he was lying. “She asked my sister how I could be such a lout and ‘stir up all this trouble’ when
‘clearly it wasn’t true.’”
In the face of such comments from loved ones, it may help to think
about what their interest is in denying the issues you’ve raised. It also may help to remember that not everyone has had the same experience with
your parent that you have. As discussed earlier, a parent with BPD or its traits may split siblings, treating one as the angelic favorite and another as the cause of all evil. Perceptions of childhood will look very different
depending on your perspective. Other relatives, particularly siblings, may also still be enmeshed with the parent, so caught up in their relationship with the parent that they won’t—they can’t—question the dynamics.
Remember though, that you know what you experienced. Because some-
one sees it differently or questions your interpretation doesn’t make you wrong. It doesn’t lessen your feelings; it doesn’t change your truth.
PART 2
The Present
CHAPTER 4
Guilt, Responsibility,
and Forgiveness
Guilt. It’s a word often heard among adult children of parents with BPD,
but what does it really refer to? Guilt is often confused with shame, but in fact they’re two different things. Guilt is an emotion; it’s the feeling that you’ve done something wrong. According to author John Bradshaw,
Surviving the Borderline Parent Page 9