Kangblabla!

by Andrew Gates

  “Moron, we wouldn’t just pass our tests. Think of what else we can do with infinite knowledge. We’d be geniuses! We could make inventions or run the stock market or start a huge business. We’ll be rich!” added Smalls.

  “Oh my god, we’d be swimming in money and girls for life!” cheered Cock Master.

  “It seems you are all in favor of coming with me to the Transcendence,” Tarzan noted.

  “Absolutely,” Gordan confirmed. “Sign us up!”

  “Very well. You may follow me.”

  With those words, Tarzan turned and led the four boys to his spaceship, a giant saucer parked on the front lawn before the Sigma Delta Purple house on Fraternizer’s Row. Tarzan clicked a button on his sleeve and a ramp dropped down from the saucer, leading into the ship.

  Tarzan was first to walk up the ramp. The others stood there in shock for a moment, hesitating.

  Tarzan turned as he reached the top.

  “Why do you humans delay?” he asked. Tarzan was far up the ramp now, but since he was still speaking to them with his telepathy, his proximity to them didn’t make his voice any less powerful

  “Oh, we’re just nervous,” Gordan answered. “We’ve never been to space before.”

  Smalls shoved him.

  “Don’t say that. Don’t let him know we’re nervous,” he whispered. “If he knows we’re nervous, maybe he won’t pick us to come with him!”

  “Then why don’t you go first, if you’re so smart?” Gordan responded, keeping his voice low too.

  “Fine, I will!”

  With those words, Smalls went first, stepping onto the ramp. Then Gordan followed behind, then Paulie-Boy, then Cock Master.

  Now inside, Gordan could not believe his eyes. The ship was much larger on the inside than it appeared from the outside. He wasn’t even sure how that was possible.

  Glowing buttons and controls covered seemingly every surface of the saucer. A massive chair stood at the center, with four smaller chairs behind it. The chairs faced a long, square window that Gordan definitely did not remember seeing from the outside.

  “Take a seat, humans,” Tarzan said as the ramp slowly closed behind them. He took a seat in the big chair.

  “Cool!” said Cock Master as he sat down in one of the small chairs behind the big one.

  The other three boys all joined him, taking their own seats.

  “Are we going to space now?” Smalls asked.

  “We are,” Tarzan answered.

  “How long does the trip take? Will we be gone for years?” Cock Master wondered.

  “No, we are here,” Tarzan answered.

  “What?” Smalls asked.

  “Yeah, what do you mean, ‘we are here?’ We’re on Earth!” Paulie-Boy said.

  “No, we were on Earth, but now we are here. We have travelled to the gates of the Transcendence.”

  “But we didn’t go anywhere. The ship never moved. All we did was sit down,” Paulie-Boy debated.

  “Don’t argue with the man,” Cock Master said, slapping Paulie-Boy. “This is an alien spaceship. If he says we’re here, then we’re here.”

  “We are here,” Tarzan said, standing up from his seat. He pressed a button on his suit again, prompting the ramp to lower again.

  A gust of wind entered the ship as the four boys slowly stood up from their seats. They curiously walked toward the ramp. Gordan peered down. The ground below seemed to be covered in some sort of bright green ooze, like something from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

  “Holy cow. Are we on an alien planet now?” Paulie-Boy asked.

  “This can’t be happening. I’m still drunk. That’s why I’m seeing all this,” Cock Master said.

  “We’re all drunk and we’re all seeing it,” Gordan replied. “It’s not just you.”

  “Humans, please follow me,” Tarzan said, slowly leading them down the ramp.

  The boys followed behind Tarzan. As they descended, Gordan could see a massive blue gate before them like something out of a fantasy story. Behind the gate, beams of pure pink light emanated. Gordan stepped onto the squishy green ooze-covered ground and followed Tarzan as he led them to the gate.

  After a few seconds of walking, Tarzan stopped and motioned to a small hand-shaped scanner mounted into a wall beside the gate.

  “Congratulations, humans. You are the first of your kind to be granted entrance to the Transcendence. Your presence here shall mark a grand turning point in not just your lives, but in the course of your planet’s history. This is by far the greatest achievement of your people of all time.”

  “Oh my god,” Paulie-Boy muttered.

  “Far out!” said Cock Master.

  “Tight!” added Smalls.

  The jitters that ran through Gordan’s body in that moment were unfathomable. His hands shook, his heart raced. The greatest achievement of all time, he thought, and I’m a part of it.

  “What do we need to do to open the gate?” Gordan asked.

  “It is simple. To open the gate, one must simply place their hand on this sensor here and the gate will open,” Tarzan explained, motioning to it. “But the gate can only be opened by the hand of a virgin.”

  The whole group paused instantly. The jumping and jittering stopped. They all froze and got quiet.

  “A… a virgin?” Cock Master asked.

  “That is correct. The door may only be opened by the hand of a virgin,” Tarzan repeated. “And then, you shall be granted the gift of all knowledge in the universe.”

  “Ooh, that’s gonna be a bit of a problem then,” Cock Master said. “You see, my nickname is the Cock Master and they don’t call me that for nothing.” He turned and looked at the others. “One of you guys will have to open it.”

  “Don’t look at me!” Smalls said, backing up. “I’m knee-deep in girls 24/7. I’ve hooked up with… probably like half of Triple Delta.”

  “Yeah, me too. And most of Alpha Epsilon January. You guys know I’m only two away from hooking up with that whole house, right?” Paulie-Boy said, looking to the others.

  “Oh yeah, man. I remember you said that,” added Cock Master.

  “It’s gotta be you then, Gordan!” Smalls said, pointing to Gordan.

  Gordan felt his heart race. He nervously looked to the sensor, then back to the others.

  “What? Me? No way. I won’t be able to open it because I’m not a virgin. I’ve had sex like… tons of times!” he lied. In truth, he had never had sex before. He had hardly done more than kiss a girl. But he was not about to admit that to all these guys, these legends.

  “Yeah, I heard that too,” added Cock Master.

  Good. He believes me.

  “Well someone has got to open the door,” Paulie-Boy said. “If you’re not a virgin, then prove it. Put your hand on the sensor. If nothing happens, so what? We didn’t lose out.”

  “True, there’s no downside to touching it if you aren’t a virgin, right?” Smalls asked, turning to Tarzan.

  “That is correct. Literally anyone can place their palm to the reader without any negative consequence, but only a virgin’s touch will prompt the gates to open,” Tarzan explained.

  “See, so you might as well try it anyway,” Smalls said, pressuring Gordan.

  “I… I…” Gordan did not know what to say. Was he really willing to reveal to them that he’d been lying this whole time? That he was, in fact, a virgin? That would be so lame.

  “Just do it!” Paulie-Boy said.

  “Fine, I’ll do it!” Gordan finally conceded.

  He nervously stepped up to the sensor and reached his hand forward. He flattened his hand out and brought it as close to the sensor as he could without actually touching it, then held it in the air a millimeter away. As he expected, nothing happened.

  He held that position for a few seconds, then pulled his hand back. The disappointed expressions on his frat brothers’ faces proved that they fell for his trick. They all thought he had touched it, when in fact, he had not.
/>   “Well damn, that sucks,” Smalls said. “What do we do now?”

  “Hold on,” Paulie-Boy butted in, pointing to the group. “Name one girl that you’ve slept with, G-Man. Any girl.”

  Shit. Gordan felt his heart race again.

  “Uh… lots! Like so many I can’t even remember right now,” he answered nervously. He had to deflect the conversation and fast. “What does it matter anyway? The sensor didn’t work when I touched it. Uh… how about you, huh? Why don’t you name one?”

  “I don’t need to name one because everybody knows I’ve slept with most of Alpha Epsilon January,” he debated.

  “Yeah, but like who in that sorority?” Smalls said, jumping in.

  Thank god Smalls is covering me, Gordan thought, relieved. He was worried for a second that he was on his own.

  “You know… like… most of them,” Paulie-Boy responded, nervously.

  “Yeah, but like who specifically?” Smalls continued.

  “Well there’s… uh… Hillary!”

  “Hillary? There’s not a Hillary in Alpha Epsilon January,” Smalls debated.

  “Yeah there is! There totally is. She’s really hot.”

  “What’s her last name?”

  “Last name?”

  “Yeah, what’s her last name?”

  “Uh… Clinton.”

  “Hillary Clinton? Like the First Lady?” Smalls asked.

  Suddenly the group’s mouths opened wide. Gordan, along with the others, were clearly starting to doubt Paulie-Boy’s story. Had he been lying this whole time? If so, that was huge news. Everyone knew him as a womanizer. To see him struggle to identify even one girl now was shocking.

  “Uh… yeah, same name as the First Lady. Far out, right?” Paulie-Boy responded, panicking.

  “There is no Hillary Clinton in the fucking Alpha Epsilon January sorority. That’s bullshit and you know it!” Smalls replied, pointing right at him.

  “Yeah, have you even fucked anyone at that sorority?” Cock Master asked.

  “Obviously I have! You know me, I’m Paulie-Boy! I’ve slept with so many girls, it’s crazy!”

  “I’m starting to think you made it all up!” Cock Master said, stepping closer to Paulie-Boy now.

  “Well… well…” Paulie-Boy was clearly panicking. “What about you, huh? If you’re so smart, name one girl you’ve slept with!”

  “That’s a fucking stupid question,” Cock Master replied. “Hello? My nickname is the Cock Master!”

  “Yeah, but… but just name one,” Paulie-Boy continued.

  “Okay. I slept with Emily.”

  “Emily who?”

  “Emily… Emily Stone.”

  “I don’t know who that is,” Paulie-Boy replied.

  “It’s because she goes to a different school,” Cock Master explained.

  “Well then that’s a stupid answer. Name someone I know.”

  “Alright then. I slept with Joanna.”

  “Joanna who?”

  “Joanna Elizabeth.”

  “That’s not a real person and you know it. You just took two first names and put them together.”

  “It is too a real person! She is so absolutely real and I should know because I put my penis in her and it felt good!”

  “You did not!”

  “Hey, hey, guys!” Smalls cut in. He waved his hands vigorously. “Is this for real? Are you guys kidding me right now? It sounds like both of you guys are virgins. This is nuts. The secrets of the universe, the greatest fucking knowledge in existence, is right beyond that gate and you two are acting like kids!”

  “Yeah, Smalls is right! You two are obviously faking it!” Gordan said, so glad that the attention was now on somebody else.

  “Well, if Smalls wants to put us on the interrogation stand, then let’s ask him the big question!” Paulie-Boy said, pointing to Smalls now.

  “Yeah!” added Cock Master.

  “Who have you slept with?” Paulie-Boy asked, staring straight into the eyes of Smalls like a predator moving in to kill its prey.

  It seemed not even Smalls, the senior, was exempt from questioning.

  “I slept with Jessica,” he said, confidently.

  “Jessica who?”

  “Jessica Winter.”

  “Who else?”

  “I slept with Rachel.”

  “Rachel who?”

  “Rachel Spring.”

  “Winter and Spring?”

  “Uh… yeah. Winter and Spring. Go figure,” Smalls said, shrugging.

  “You are such a hypocritical bull-shitter!” Paulie-Boy responded, pointing right at him. “You know that?”

  “What? Those are their names!” Smalls replied, holding his arms up as if that gave him some semblance of innocence.

  “Excuse me,” Tarzan interjected, “but are you humans planning to open the gate? We do not have time to stand out here all day. There is a strict deadline to adhere to.”

  “Give us a moment, Tarzan. We are trying to decide who opens the gate,” Smalls explained as he turned to face the tall green alien. “These two are acting like children,” he continued, motioning to Cock Master and Paulie-Boy. “They’re too cocky to admit that they’re both obviously virgins.”

  “Excuse me, and what about you?” Paulie-Boy retorted, still not letting up on Smalls.

  “Yeah, I don’t see your hand on the sensor. The only one we know is telling the truth is G-Man!” Cock Master added. It seemed they were both ganging up on Smalls now.

  “If I put my hand on the sensor, then you all have to agree to do it too,” Smalls replied. “That way I’ll know that you were lying to me this whole time.”

  “That is not the rule. Tarzan said only one of us has to open the gate. We don’t all need to do it. We just need the virgin!” Paulie-Boy fought back.

  “Actually, I did not say that. You all only assumed it. To enter the gate, you must each proceed one at a time. You cannot all enter at once,” Tarzan explained.

  The boys stopped arguing and silently looked up at him with blank expressions. Oh shit, Gordan thought, wondering what would happen next. This new revelation changed a lot.

  Nobody spoke for a few seconds. It was as quiet as a good night’s sleep. But then, Gordan broke the silence.

  “So… if we aren’t a virgin then there’s no way to access the Transcendence anyway. Is that what you’re saying?” Gordan asked.

  “That is correct. Only a virgin may access it. That is why the four of you were chosen.”

  Another awkward silence.

  “But… but I thought you said we were chosen at random,” said Cock Master.

  “Yes, random among Earth’s population of virgins,” Tarzan clarified.

  There was another awkward silence followed by a long “ooh” from the group.

  “So… so all of us have been virgins this whole time. Is that what you’re saying?” Gordan clarified.

  “That is correct,” the alien answered.

  Beep! Suddenly some sort of alarm buzzed on the sleeve of Tarzan’s suit. He quickly looked down to his wrist, then back up.

  “Ah, it looks like we are out of time. You all took too long to enter the gate,” Tarzan said.

  “What? What do you mean out of time?” Paulie-Boy asked.

  “As I said earlier, we must get going. We cannot spend all day here.”

  “But we only spent a few minutes here,” Cock Master debated.

  “A few minutes in Earth time, yes. But a few minutes in Earth time is a whole day in Transcendence time. Unfortunately, the Transcendence is now closed. Nobody can get in.”

  “Well that sucks,” Smalls said, dropping his arms down by his sides in frustration.

  “How long until it opens for business again?” Gordan asked.

  “It will open again tomorrow, but I do believe the Martians have access to it on that day, then the Quelorians the next day, then the Zarathans the next day, then it is Gurbelsmock’s Day, so it will be closed for the holiday, then-”r />
  “Don’t continue. Let me guess: Earth only gets one opportunity for like a thousand years or something like that?” Gordan asked.

  “One million, actually,” Tarzan replied.

  “Aww shit, so we missed it!” Cock Master said.

  “Yes, unfortunately, you did,” Tarzan explained.

  “Dang,” Smalls exhaled. He lowered his head solemnly.

  Gordan cleared his throat.

  “I guess the moral of the story is that we should all be honest with each other and not get caught up in our egos or what other people think of us,” Gordan said. “If we were all honest, we would not have missed out on the infinite knowledge of the universe.”

  “Shut up, G-Man,” Paulie-Boy said.

  “Yeah, shut up, virgin,” added Cock Master.

  They gave each other a high-five.

  “Hey, let’s get back to the party. I can’t wait to have sex with Triple Delta!” Smalls said, lifting his head now and eagerly pointing to the ship.

  “Right on!” Cock Master agreed.

  What? Did nobody learn anything? Gordan thought.

  And the answer was yes. Nobody learned anything.

  Totalus

  The powerful Totalus Empire, led by the sinister Emperor Totalus, has constructed its secret weapon: The World Ender Base, the largest, most advanced battle station in the universe. Crewed by a staff of thousands, the station strikes fear in the hearts of the brave Resistance.

  But with a crew so large, it is easy to forget about the little-guys: the soldier who waits in position for hours just to salute the Emperor as he emerges from his shuttle, the pilot who gets left behind because her fighter didn’t have gas, or the bartender who sees it all, because you know there must be a bar in a place like this.

  Told over a series of five vignettes, meet the ordinary people who make the universe’s deadliest battle station what it is.

  Join the Totalus Empire! Enlist today!

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  The Totalus Empire, or simply referred to as “the Empire”, is a political and military faction which came into power following the fall of the Gorlamus Empire that preceded it. In the aftermath of the Battle of New Earth, the Gorlamus Empire formally surrendered to First Republic of Organized Governments, or FROG. The signing the Frog Treaty officially marked the end of the Gorlamus Wars, but in spite of its defeat, the Gorlamus Empire's legacy survived across the galaxy, where former members of the Gorlamus Military plotted their return.