by Andrew Gates
I peed for basically a full minute. It was wowzers.
When I was finally done, the room smelled awful. But then again, the Gelovian people didn’t smell much better, so if anything, the scents kind of just blended together to create one big cloud of funk (try to imagine the worst odor you’ve ever encountered and multiply that by three and you’re right on the money).
I let out a deep sigh of relief (no put intended) and closed my eyes for a moment. I paused, just taking it all in. When I finally reopened my eyes, I felt ready to get dressed.
I stared at the clothes before me and nodded my head.
“Harsh bong, dude,” I said to myself. “I guess it’s time to get married.”
Ready for Marriage
Congratulations! You made it through the pee chapter. That wasn’t so bad, was it? I kept it nice and short for you. You’re welcome.
Now that I was finally alone in the Preparation Chamber (and not desperate to urinate), I had a lot of time to reflect on this weird situation I was in. It was hard to consider that, only hours ago, I was a loner sitting by myself in a dimly lit Philly cinema, watching a movie about a train on Valentine’s Day. And all because my name happened to be Ryan, an alien race mistook me for their chosen marriage-puppet to bring peace, love and granola to the universe.
“Far out,” I muttered to myself as I considered just how strange this all was.
At this point, despite all the back and forth that had bounced through my head in the last couple of hours, I was pretty much convinced now that I wanted to go through with this marriage. Mayra had her flaws, and there were certain things about her culture that still confused me, but it was Valentine’s Day and I had been alone for far too long. Marrying Mayra didn’t seem so bad anyway. She was kind and beautiful and being the husband of a princess had to come with a ton of perks. Not to mention, if I didn’t do it, the Gelovian Empire and the Marsh Colonies would kill each other, and nobody wanted that, right? Flower power!
The hardest part was still the fact that I’d be leaving Philly behind. I’d grown up there and spent my entire life in that town. Was it a dump? Yeah, of course it was. But it was my dump and it would always hold a special place in my heart.
But when I really thought about it, I knew there was nothing left for me in Philly. It may have been my home, but my friends had all moved on with their lives and settled down. Meanwhile, I had not. Perhaps this surprise adventure was exactly what I needed all along: a reason to get out of Philly once and for all.
Strangely enough, that thought brought a smile to my face.
“I’m leaving Philly,” I said, confidently. I felt myself nod. “I’m leaving Philly,” I repeated, the smile growing even wider.
I stared at myself in the mirror before me. Apart from my socks and the underwear which was barely pulled below my crotch, I was completely naked. When I’d looked at myself naked before, I was always ashamed. I would stare at my fat belly and hairy chest. But when I looked at myself in this moment, I felt strangely confident. It was like I was a god, capable of forging my own destiny.
“I’m leaving Philly and getting married to a princess,” I boldly declared.
My heart fluttered. I clapped my hands like a giddy schoolgirl. I could hardly contain my excitement.
I turned to face the clothing the Gelovians had put out for me. It was similar to the clothes I’d worn before: more socks, another metal underwear thing and, of course, a huge feathery hat. I could already feel its weight just by looking at it. I grimaced, but knew I had no choice but to wear it for the ceremony.
“Pretty soon I’ll be a prince and I can wear whatever I want,” I said to myself as I walked over to the clothes. I was careful to avoid stepping in the puddle of piss on the way over.
Like last time, I started with the socks, then did the crotch piece, then finished with the hat. To my dismay, this hat was even heavier and taller than the last one. I didn’t even realize it was possible to have a heavier hat!
When I was all finished, I examined myself once more in the mirror. I still looked like a weirdo, but at least this time, I was a confident weirdo.
“Alright,” I said to myself, “let’s do this.”
I turned to the door and gulped as I opened it up. I stepped out into the hallway. Like last time, Joyce was waiting for me just outside.
“Hello, Ryan!” Joyce cheerfully greeted.
“Joyce,” I replied.
“It smells good in there. What did you do?” she asked, peeking into the Preparation Chamber behind me.
“Smell? Uh… I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lied. “I didn’t do anything.”
“Oh. Maybe it’s just my congestion. I’ve had a cold for the last few days. Sometimes it affects my senses,” Joyce replied.
“Yeah, that must be it.”
“Anyway, now that you are all dressed, it is time to take you to get married.”
“It’s that simple, huh?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, it’s just a quick meeting, then get dressed, then a marriage, huh?”
“Correct! Those are the only necessary steps.”
“I suppose so,” I replied, shrugging. “Anyway, you lead the way. Let me guess: it’s not very far, but it will take us a long time to get there.”
“Don’t be silly!” Joyce replied. “The ceremony will not be held here! It is customary for women to be wed on their home turf.”
“What do you mean? Are we going to the Marsh Colonies?”
“Don’t be silly! That is way too far. We will simply transport to their flagship, the Tuna.”
“Transport? You mean like beaming?”
“Beaming?” Joyce repeated.
“You know, like you did to me before with all the blue light and teleporting and stuff,” I explained.
“No, no, no, Ryan. To ‘beam’, as you call it, into a Marsh ship would be an act of disrespect. We will take a shuttle instead.”
“How far is it to the shuttle bay?”
“Oh, not far. It is a mere 75-minute walk.”
“Don’t you mean an hour and 15 minutes?”
“Oh, yes, I suppose I do,” Joyce replied, smiling.
I let out a deep sigh. This was going to be rough.
Tuna Time, Awe Sooky Sooky!
“It’s my wedding day.” Just saying those words aloud made my heart flutter with excitement. I nervously gripped the bannisters on either side of me, partly to steady myself as the shuttle craft shook left and right, but mainly to provide myself with a distraction.
The craft was small and crammed to the brim with slug people. It smelled… well, it smelled just like you would expect it to smell. Let’s leave it at that and Audi 5000.
If I were the one designing this shuttle, I would have designed it with windows from end to end so that the passengers could at least see outside while in transit. But apparently the Gelovians did not share my sentiment, as there was not a single window in the entire spaceship, apart from, I’m guessing, the pilot’s chair (though knowing the Gelovians, I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t have a window for the pilot either).
On that note, how do the Gelovians even build anything without any hands? I’m sorry, I know I keep bringing this up, but how can I ignore that?
Sorry, I know, I know, time to get back on track…
It had taken me what felt like most of the day to get to this shuttle and now that I was finally here, I couldn’t wait to leave it. All I could think about was seeing my beautiful bride again. I could not get her out of my mind; her warm smile, her soft voice, her smooth skin, her piercing eyes, her lush hair.
At the very least, it would have helped to distract me if the Gelovians spoke during the trip. But, like their usual selves, they remained dead quiet the entire time. Even Queen Kevin, who had been so talkative when we first met, hardly uttered a sound. This must have been how the Gelovians normally acted when they weren’t meeting humans for the first time.
&nbs
p; It almost frightened me when someone finally did speak. The voice interrupted the silence of it all. I admit, I jumped a bit.
“How much longer?” Queen Kevin asked to anyone willing to answer. Her deep voice suddenly seemed like the only sound in existence.
“The Tuna is coming into view now, Queen Kevin,” Joyce replied.
I shook my head at that one. View was probably not the most appropriate word choice, but I wasn’t about to say anything out loud.
Also… how the hell did Joyce know that we were getting close to the Tuna without any windows?
Sorry, I know, I know, I’m going on a tangent again. What can I say? These are important questions! This is the problem with stories told in the first-person – you never get the full story.
Anyway, it took a few more minutes, but the shuttle eventually docked with the Tuna. I couldn’t really tell what was happening because, again, there were no windows. But the craft shook a bit and eventually came to a halt. The rear door opened a few seconds later and the Gelovians exited one by one at their usual breakneck pace (that was sarcasm there for all you airheads).
I turned and faced the back door. Bright light filled the cabin, forcing me to shield my eyes for a moment just to see. Once I adapted, I saw a crowd of Marsh people awaiting us in the hangar. They all had that same pink skin as Mayra.
Queen Kevin exited first, accompanied by Gorgumspot and several other Gelovians I assumed must have been her guards. Once I had enough room to walk, I pushed past the slow-moving slugs and proceeded down the ramp. Joyce raced after me as fast as she could, not wanting me to get away.
“Relax, Joyce. I’m fine,” I said, trying to calm her worries.
A pink-skinned Marsh man wearing a crown stepped forward, surrounded by two guards on either side. He stopped mere feet from Queen Kevin and slowly bowed.
“King Gnik,” Queen Kevin greeted, nodding back to him.
“Queen Kevin,” he replied. The pink-skinned man stood straight and turned to face me now. His eyes met mine almost immediately. “And you must be the one we call Ryan.”
“Yes, sir,” I answered. Not sure quite how to greet this man, I bowed.
“You may rise, Ryan,” he said. He took a few steps toward me as I lifted my head again. The man appeared a few years older than me, though I assumed he must have been younger based on what Mayra told me about her species. “I am King Gnick of the Marsh Colonies. It is a pleasure to meet you.”
“A pleasure to meet you too,” I replied. I held out my hand before suddenly realizing that I may have looked foolish doing so. “Uh… do you… do you do this in your culture?” I kept my hand out, not sure what else to do.
“Do not be nervous, Ryan. Your gesture is not out of the ordinary. This form of greeting is customary in the Marsh culture too.”
“Oh, good,” I replied.
Then to my complete surprise, King Gnick leaned down and, I kid you not, literally wrapped his mouth around my hand and sucked my fingertips. I simply stood there the whole time in a mix of disbelief and nervousness. Once he was done, my hand was covered in slobber. By all means, I wanted to go to the bathroom and wash it off, but I also didn’t want to be rude, so I didn’t do anything.
“I am glad to finally meet my new future son-in-law,” King Gnick said, licking his lips.
“Yes, good to put a face to the name,” I replied, my hand still covered in drool. “I’m excited to join the family. Your daughter seems like a wonderful woman.”
“She is,” King Gnick agreed. “She is my sunshine. She will make a great ruler of the Marsh Colonies one day.” The king turned to face the vast hangar bay. “One day, all of this will belong to her.”
“That’s… that’s a lot,” I replied, suddenly realizing just how much power Mayra would have when she became Queen.
“And you shall be right there by her side,” the king said, turning to face me again.
I nodded my head in confirmation, once again not really sure how to respond.
“I am glad you two are getting to know one another,” Queen Kevin said, interrupting, “but we really should be getting onto the ceremony. King Gnick, would be so kind as to lead us there?”
“Absolutely,” he replied, bowing again. “Anything for such a wonderful woman as yourself.”
I’ll admit, those flirtatious words made gag a bit. I turned and got ready to walk to the ceremony, when I suddenly remembered how slow the Gelovians moved. I huffed in frustration as they slid across the long metal floor as fast as actual slugs.
Come on, come on, I kept thinking to myself. I was more than just impatient: I couldn’t wait any longer. I just wanted to get married already. It was as if there were a bomb inside of me ready to blow at any moment.
“Hey, Mr. King Gnick, do you think I can just truck on?” I asked.
“Truck?” he replied with a look of confusion across his face.
“Oh, sorry, that’s slang,” I realized. “I mean… can I just go on ahead? I move faster on my own.”
“We will move together, Ryan,” Gorgumspot said, answering before King Gnick even had a chance.
“Yes, in the Gelovian culture, it is customary for the queen to lead the groom into the wedding,” Queen Kevin added.
“Customary for the queen to lead the groom? Are you saying that your job is to attend every single wedding and walk the groom down the aisle?” I asked.
“This is one of my many queenly duties, yes. Nobody gets married without my presence!” she explained.
This culture was just getting weirder and weirder. I should have learned by now just to keep my mouth shut and questions to myself.
“Very well then,” I reluctantly said. I let out a deep sigh. “Lead the way.” I motioned forward.
The pink-skinned Marsh people took the lead, followed by the slow blue slug Gelovians and myself. Gosh, it was exhausting. For sake of time, let’s just fast forward to the wedding reception…
Also, holy shit! I just now realized that Gnick is ‘King’ backwards. Is that intentional, or… you know what, I’m not even going to think about it. Let’s just move onto the next chapter.
The Next Chapter: It’s Wedding Time!
I entered an ornate chamber of the Tuna, decorated with stunning flowers and banners. I smiled as I took in the sight and smells (for once it only half smelled like shit). A massive crowd of Marsh people and Gelovians alike crowded the room. Like traditional weddings back home, there was a clear distinction between the bride and groom sides, made abundantly apparent from the seating of both species.
An altar stood on the opposite side of the room with my bride, garbed in a beautiful dress made of stunning shimmering jewels, standing directly beside it.
I felt my heart flutter and turned to Queen Kevin, directly to my left. I nervously gulped, but she seemed as confident as ever. Suddenly music began to play, and I quickly faced forward again. Kevin moved down the aisle now, and I followed suit.
“The bride is already at the altar,” I noted, keeping my voice down.
“Yes, and she looks happy to see you,” Kevin replied, matching my volume.
“Is this typical?”
“Is what typical?”
“Is it typical for the bride to wait at the altar and for the groom to walk down the aisle?”
“Yes, Ryan. This is typical in both the Marsh and Gelovian cultures. Why do you ask?”
“We do it the opposite way on Earth.”
“You are not on Earth anymore, Ryan. This is your home now.”
As Kevin and I slowly moved down the aisle, I caught a glimpse of some Marsh women in attendance. I could not help but stare. If I thought Princess Mayra was a shagadelic babe, these women were goddesses by comparison. I don’t mean to get too detailed here, but… well… just listen to the next bits of dialog and you’ll get the picture.
“Those women there,” I said, motioning to some of them in attendance. “Who are they?”
“Those are your bride’s mentors, friends an
d relatives. The one to the left was her childhood teacher. The two in the middle are her closest servants. The other two are her aunts,” Kevin explained as we continued along.
“You mean all those women are older than Mayra? They look so…” I couldn’t find the words.
“Ugly?” Kevin said, keeping her voice as quiet as she could. Thankfully, I don’t think anyone heard her but me. “Yes, I know,” Kevin continued. “As Marsh women age, their breasts grow fuller and perkier, their waists grow narrower, their skin grows smoother. It is truly horrifying. I am sorry you must experience this fate with your wife-to-be.”
“Uh… yeah,” I replied. “My thoughts exactly,” I lied.
So that was pretty shick. On top of everything, now I had that to look forward to. This was starting to feel like the best thing that would ever happen to me.
Until suddenly…
A pink-skinned Marsh man stepped out from the seats and stopped before me and Kevin in the aisle. He looked about the same age as King Gnik, however old that is, and had a fiery look in his eyes.
“There shall be no peace between the Gelovian Empire and the Marsh Colonies!” this man shouted before suddenly revealing what looked like some kind of pistol from his jacket.
Instinct took over in that instant. I dropped to the floor, just as a laser blast passed over my head, knocking that stupid hat off. Now with my head free of that idiotic headpiece, I felt as light as a bird. I desperately crawled forward as shouts and the sounds of chaos echoed through the chamber.
“Get him!” someone screamed.
“He’s a traitor!” hollered someone else.
I didn’t know if they were talking about me or the shooter, but I continued crawling to the exit, undeterred. When I finally got there, I stood up and sprinted out the room. I ran down the hall, then ran down the next hall and the next and the next until I was good and lost.