by B. C. Falls
EPILOGUE
Blake
Life has significantly changed for me. Being back in Miller Falls is one thing, but seeing everyone I used to know gasp when they see me is another. I’ve ventured out a couple times since we got back four days ago. Mostly to the grocery store or gas station. I’ve found that it scares people to see me. They don’t believe it at first and think I’m some kind of angel. That happened twice already.
I’m no angel.
“Baby you ready to go?” Trent asks from the hallway outside my room. I insisted that if I had to live in his house that I was put into his guest room. We’ve talked a lot but nothing more than kissing. I don’t know if I’m ready for more. I’ve missed him a lot, everything about him, but he hasn’t left my side. I’m kind of tired of it all.
I want peace.
Coming back here was supposed to give me that but it just seems like too much. I’m finally home but it doesn’t feel like it, it feels like I’m still fighting to get back.
“Yes,” I say, my voice is low and so timid. I’m unsure if I really am ready. We’re going over to Royce and Dane’s place to celebrate me being alive and their engagement. I’m so happy for Royce. So incredibly happy for everyone in my life, seeing everyone happy and together is something I’m completely jealous of.
“Blake,” Trent says, this time he’s standing behind me. I’m looking in the mirror that he hung up yesterday. I didn’t need it but he wanted to make me feel at home and back in the day I used to stare at myself for what seemed like hours just to try and catch a glimpse of my mom in me. He remembered and I felt so much happiness when he told me that he had. “What’s wrong?” he asks pulling me back into his arms.
I look at us. Study the features on both of us that have changed so much. The height, the weight, our hair, our skin, and all the little scars visible and bone deep. “We’re different people now,” I whisper. I wrap my arms over his, holding his strong veiny forearms in my hands. I think his arms are one of my favorite things about him besides his eyes and smile.
“What?” he asks, the visible confusion on his face is adorable. I’ve always thought that. His eyebrows bunched together and a small smile on his lips like he thinks it’s funny he doesn’t get it.
“We’re different. I know I’ve changed and I see the change in you.”
“We have but that doesn’t change our love, baby.” He pushes my hair with one hand over my right shoulder and places a soft kiss just under my ear where he used to. It doesn’t have the same affect on me anymore and when he see’s that he gets it. “I still love you as much as I did when I first met you, Blake.”
“I still love you,” I look into those eyes I fell for a decade ago. The rhythm of his heart still beats for me. I know how he feels and I know I feel the same way. “But we’re different now.”
“What are you trying to say?” Again the adorable confusion is back and I can’t help but cherish the look. I missed it as much as I missed being held by him, I missed everything about him. I missed so much of his life.
“I don’t think a couple nights in this room will bring me peace. I don’t think I’ll be ready for more until I know the last tens years haven’t changed us so much that we won’t be happy with each other.”
“You aren’t leaving me again,” his arms tighten around me, pulling me so closely to him that every part of me is touching every part of me.
“I’m not running, Trent,” I loosen his arms and turn around. “I just need time.”
“What are you feeling Blake? Is being back too much for you? Do you want to go away?”
“I want to feel like this is my home. I want to be back here in the now with you and all of our friends and family but I can’t do any of that if I feel like I’m suffocating. Every time I leave the house someone new sees me for the first time and get’s all scary eyed and shocked. I hate that. I hate that I died in this town’s eyes.”
“I know it’s hard but—”
I pull away from him and take a step back. “You don’t though, Trent. You don’t know how it feels. You can’t possibly tell me you understand how it feels to have literally been ripped from everyone you had left.” I put my hand up to stop him from putting his foot in his mouth. “Don’t I know, it’s my fault. I know it was my choice and I’d do it again over and over it meant keeping everyone safe.”
“I wasn’t going to say that.”
“No you were going to be perfect, weren’t you? Say something like, I know I don’t understand baby but I want to,” I roll my eyes and he chuckles. “I hate that I fall in love with you every time I look at you,” I fold my arms over my stomach. “I hate that I did this to us. I hate that I had to leave. As much as I would have done it over and over again, it still fucking hurts and I’m not myself, Trent. I don’t think I will be for a while. I have to find her again.”
“Find who?”
“Myself. I was a different person the last ten years, Trent. I was Leah Greenwood. I worked in an office building and kept to myself because if someone got too close they might see the real me and they might know someone who knows someone. I had a shitty boss. I had shitty coworkers and a stupid little Jetta that I hated with a passion. I listened to pop music. Fucking pop music, Trent! I hate pop music!”
“I hate it too.”
“Stop!” I throw my hands up in the air and start to cry. Trent takes that as he has to console me but I push him away. “You don’t get it! I’m not me. I haven’t been Blake for so long, I barely remember who she is.” He doesn’t say anything and I know it hurts him to see me like this. “I’m sorry, Trent.”
“What do you want? Do you need time to find yourself again? Is that it? You want space and need time because I’ll give that all to you. I’ll fucking wait for you to find my girl because I know she is in there,” he points to my heart. “I know you. I know who you are and what you need and I always will. So go ahead and take the time and the space. I’ll be here just like I have been for the last ten fucking years.”
“I don’t want you to wait for me anymore, Trent. It’s not fair.”
“That is not your decision to make. If, and that’s a big fucking if Blake, I ever get tired of waiting I’ll let you know. Don’t count on it though because I finally have my girl back and I don’t plan on ever letting her go.”
I don’t say anything and he doesn’t either. I don’t think either of us really can say anything more. I need time and of course he gets that. Of course he’s going to give it to me like he’s given me his heart. I just hope I’m the same strong girl who he gave it to back in high school because right now I don’t feel like her.
“Now are you ready to go?” he asks again.
“Yes,” I say for the second time.
I’m sipping on a beer. “I love beer,” I remind myself. At least I used to. I haven’t had beer in almost four years but the Blake back in high school loved beer.
“Why are you drinking that?” Royce asks. We’re sitting in her backyard kind of off to the side in some really nice lawn chairs. “You hate beer. I love beer.”
Everyone here is related to us or to one another. I met all of Royce’s brothers, her dad, Dane’s family, even my brothers and stepmom are here. How? I don’t know I think Trent had them flown up. After I talked to them last week, told them I was safe and able to come home, they always knew I was alive just like Trent did, they insisted on coming up here but I wanted to wait. Guess waiting wasn’t something anyone thought I needed.
“Blake loves beer,” I say.
“Why do you say it like that?” Royce asks. I look over at my best friend. “You sound so sad. Shouldn’t you be happy?”
“I’m happy,” I lie before I take a sip of the beer I think is disgusting.
“You are such a shit liar.”
I laugh. “Kettle, meet Pot,” I point to her when I say Kettle and point to myself when I say pot. She just shakes her head at me. I’ve never really been the funny one.
She sighs and lea
ns back in her chair. “So you going to tell me what’s wrong or just make me guess?” I shrug. “I like guessing and we both know you love to make me guess.” She puts her lemonade down on the table between us. “Come on then,” she holds her hand out for me and I reluctantly take it.
About ten minutes later we’re slowly walking along the water that backs up to her awesome house and I’m nervous. “Is it being home?” she asks. “I bet you feel different huh? Like you aren’t you anymore.”
“Kind of. I’m not the same Blake everyone knows and the things I loved back then aren’t things I love now.”
“Is living with Trent too much too soon?” I shrug. “Jesus, this is going to be like pulling teeth isn’t it.” I shrug again. “Fine,” she sighs then leans into me, wrapping her arm through mine and laying her head on my shoulder. It’s tougher for her cause I’m shorter. “When I moved here I was overwhelmed with everyone. I don’t think I told you about it though. I was mean for a little bit, the family kind of collapsed on top of me and you know me. It was a lot to take in. A lot to get used to.”
“I do and you didn’t tell me,” we stop walking and sit down in the grass, both of us leaning on the other.
“I’m not used to this life. I doubt you are either after ten years of being alone. Even after we met, it still wasn’t like how it is now, I love you like a sister, I do, but it’s not like this.” She points to her chest. “It’s so full,” she says referring to her heart. “We both lived such a certain way for so long that being surrounded by so much love is a shock to our systems. I kept accusing Dane of so many things, I swear we fought all the time and it was stupid stuff all on my part, and he always thought I was going to run from him and I guess in a way I did. After I talked with his mom, it made sense then. Maybe it always did and I was just blind. I couldn’t see past my own past and misery for a while.” She pauses and our eyes meet. “I don’t know. You tell me, Blake. You’ve been through this before,” I look at her confused. “When you came here after your mom died?” she suggests. “You told me about it.”
“I guess it’s kind of like that.”
“You survived it didn’t you?” I nod. “What happened with Trent when you met him?” I smile a little. I get where she’s going with this.
“He pushed me to love.” We both smile, no words needed to be said anymore just having this moment is enough.
Later when we’re all about to eat, Lacey and Kady come walking around the side of the house holding hands. It’s not odd or anything cause we’ve seen them do it before. What’s different though is that they both look nervous as hell.
“What’s up with them?” I ask Royce, she’s got a plate in her hands and a cookie in her mouth. Maddie, her doctor, only let’s her eat a couple sweets once in a while so she takes advantage of it whenever she can.
Royce pulls the cookie from her mouth when she see’s what I’m talking about. “I don’t know,” she puts her plate down and starts walking towards the girls. I follow her waving Danny over as we go. “What’s wrong?” Royce asks Kady. She tries to pull her into her arms but Kady stops her.
“Lacey?” Danny asks looking worried.
“We need to tell y’all something.” Kady says. She’s definitely nervous. “Lacey and I—” she trails off as she looks at Lacey.
“What is it?” Royce pushes.
Dane show’s up seconds later pulling Royce into his side and demands “What’s going on?”
“I—” Lacey starts but stops. “I can’t,” she let’s go of Kady’s hand and starts walking away.
“Lacey and I are together,” Kady says quickly. Lacey stops walking and all of us adults just stand there shocked.
“Together?” Danny asks confused.
“Lacey,” Kady practically begs. Lacey turns back around and walks back to Kady’s side. They hold hands again.
“Kady is my girlfriend,” Lacey admits and you can see the relief literally fall off her shoulders. After a couple moments of silence Lacey lifts her head and looks at Danny. “I’m gay, dad.”
“Gay?” Danny says like he doesn’t know what that means. “But you—you went to winter formal with that one kid.”
“No, I went with Kady,” Lacey says. “Nick just came to the house to pick us up because he knew that we weren’t out yet. He offered.”
“Kady?” Royce says. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Kady shrugs. “Did you think I wouldn’t approve?” Kady shrugs again. “Oh sweetie, I could never not approve of you loving someone,” Royce reaches her hand out and holds Kady’s. “I love you no matter what.”
“No matter what Kady,” Dane agrees with Royce.
“But you two are cousins. Kady’s spent the night.” Danny says. Everyone now looks kind of mad expect for me. I’m kind of laughing which makes Royce turn evil eyes on me.
“We never did anything.” Kady admits. “Never. We wouldn’t have done that to any of you.”
“We aren’t really cousins. We know it’s very weird and unconventional, but we didn’t plan this,” Lacey says. “I’m sorry, daddy.”
“Me too, mom,” Kady says to Royce. “I never wanted to give you a reason not to trust me,” Royce has tears in her eyes and she pulls Kady into her arms.
“You never could, princess.” Dane wraps his arm around both Royce and Kady. “We love you.”
I look over at Lacey and Danny “Does your mother know?” Danny asks.
“Yes. I told her a while ago,” Lacey admits.
“Why didn’t she tell me?” Danny starts looking around for his wife.
“I asked her not to,” Danny turns back around to Lacey with concern etching his features. “You’ve never been open about stuff like this. Any time I brought up dating you’d get all upset and shut the thought down.”
“Things like you liking girls is way different than what we ever talked about!” Danny yells.
“Hey man,” Dane says. “Let’s take a walk,” you can see the anger rolling off Danny.
Danny agrees and walks off with Dane talking to him quietly.
I go over to Lacey and wrap my arm around her as she starts to cry. “I don’t think he’s upset about you being gay, I think he’s upset that he didn’t know about it honey.”
“I know he’s upset about that. Both of my parents have always been okay with gay people. “
“We’re gonna have to lay down some ground rules.” Royce says to both Kady and Lacey. “But neither of you should ever think that this family wouldn’t love you because of who you love.”
As I watch these two girls tell everyone they call family just what they are to each other, I can’t help but hope that one day my own family will be this way. The support, the love, and the acceptance these people show to one another is what family is all about, something we all sometimes take for granted and what people give their lives for. Royce had no idea what she was getting when she agreed to help me and seeing what she has gives me a little bit of the peace I’ve been searching for.
Royce’s “My Man” Playlist
Sweetest Devotion Adele
I Miss You Adele
She Thinks She Needs Me Audien
It Just Comes Natural George Strait
Heartbeat Carrie Underwood
What I Never Knew I Always Wanted Carrie Underwood
Rock Bottom Hailee Steinfeld
Circles Jana Kramer
Say You Love Me Jessie Ware
Back On The Map Kacey Musgraves
Without You Lana Del Rey
To the Moon and Back Luke Bryan
Yours Russell Dickerson
Good for You Selena Gomez
Everything has Changed Taylor Swift & Ed Sheeran
Sparks Fly Taylor Swift
I Know Places Taylor Swift
Poor Boy Tyler Farr
Prisoner The Weekend & Lana Del Rey
Acknowledgements
To my editor Brittany Wysowski,
Sorry for all the damn texts and for constantly bugging you. When I t
old you I wanted to Self Publish my book and keep everything amateur you were totally on board. I wanted this for myself, to prove to everyone and mostly me that I could do it but without you no one would understand what I was saying. You get me and you’ll forever be my blove. Ready for book two?
To my earlier reader/Second Editor Amelia,
Thank you for reading when the book was at it’s worst and still thinking it was amazing. I promise to send you more free books in the future. You are and always will be someone I will never be able to let leave me. Friendship is more then just words and seeing each other often, friendship is believing in someone enough to lie to them about their book. Lol Just kidding I know you actually liked it! Love you! XO
To my family,
Without you I would have never accomplished most of the things I’ve accomplished in my life. I’m damn proud to call all of you family and nothing and no one will ever tear us apart. I seriously hope you skipped all the sexy time scenes…. Easter could get a little awkward for us huh? I know you still love and support me! I love y’all to!
Special shout out
Who you with!??!? D-Unit!!!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
B.C. Falls is a California native living in Seattle. Most days you’ll find her working behind a coffee counter chatting away with local customers about the nonsense of every day things, just hoping to get inspiration.
With a love for books and no chance of ever winning the lottery B.C. has developed a passion for writing and she doesn’t really care what others think as long as she reaches at least one person with her words.
Holding On Forever
Coming June 2016