Just Breathe

by Andrew Daddo

  ‘We’ll see.’ Hendrix fought the urge to mope. ‘It feels like we’re breaking up. I miss you already, and you’re right here.’

  ‘We’re definitely not breaking up.’

  ‘We are definitely not breaking up,’ confirmed Hendrix. ‘I just want to be with you, like, I don’t want to miss a single thing, you know? It’s just, what if something happens?’

  Emily snuggled in. ‘Nothing’s going to happen. I’m too busy breathing out the bad. I’ve been doing it the whole way home. It’s all good for us.’

  Her mum was squinting against the glare while trying to watch the two main station exits at once. Emily spotted her first and waved, smiling broadly before pulling Hendrix in her mum’s direction.

  ‘Well, hello you two,’ said Anna, working hard on a deeper, sterner voice. ‘Thank God you’re alive!’

  ‘Very dramatic, Mum,’ went Emily. ‘Of course we are.’

  ‘Yeah, well. We’ll talk about it at home. Hello, Hendrix. Nice to see you again. Good campout?’

  ‘Yes Ms,’ he said, as if talking to a schoolteacher.

  ‘It’s Anna. And that’s good. Want a lift home?’ When Hendrix shook his head, Emily accepted on his behalf.

  They small talked to where the car was parked, keeping a distance, but that stopped when Emily pushed him into the back seat and jumped in after him. Anna was up front by herself. They talked weather and camping and running. Hendrix had the feeling they were stalling until he was gone. If Anna saw them holding hands, she didn’t mention it. Hendrix asked to be dropped at school to collect some books. It was a small lie, but he wasn’t ready to go home yet.

  The kiss goodbye was quick. Emily squeezed his hand as Hendrix mustered a workmanlike smile. It was meant to say, Good luck, I miss you and don’t die before I see you again all rolled into one.

  ‘Possibility, love,’ she whispered back. ‘It’s in the clear, blue oxygen.’

  ‘Carm on,’ went Anna in a fake growl. ‘Let’s go.’

  By the time Hendrix got home, most of the excitement had bled out of him. He walked to his house with the kind of enthusiasm he’d have for a chemistry exam. He was doomed, and he knew it.

  His father wasn’t home; a reprieve of sorts. After a flurry of texts to Emily, he hit the gym, starting gently on the bike, working up to pace after thirty minutes. He knew it was ridiculous, but he thought if his father walked in and found him hard at it, the shipwreck of his life might right itself.

  He hadn’t done anything to affect his chances of running well, there’d been no drugs or alcohol, he’d even gone to sleep early. In fact, compared to what the other kids at school claimed to get up to, he was an angel. His dad was lucky to have him.

  Hendrix also knew it wasn’t just about taking one night off from training, there was so much more to it than that, for both of them.

  His dad would have to be home soon. Having started off trying to look like he’d been working hard, Hendrix was in it for real. With the hypoxic mask on nice and snug he had to work more efficiently than ever. Sweat poured off him. Maybe he and his dad could pick up where they’d left off and put last night behind them.

  After two hours he was done, completely spent.

  There was still no sign of his father. No missed calls from him. No texts.

  Hendrix ambled through the warm-down, still hoping his father might find him covered in sweat. But Dad wasn’t in the kitchen, or his room. The telly was off, the lights were out. He wasn’t home, his car wasn’t in the driveway, which was weird, because he always made a point of being home for dinner. Hendrix’s finger loitered over the call button on his phone. He wanted to find out where he was, but didn’t want to speak to him in case he got triggered.

  After a dinner of cereal, worry kicked in. Hendrix called his father, with no response, his emails went unanswered.

  He called Emily, but Anna picked up. She was nice enough but politely suggested phone calls and texts might have to stop after nine. ‘It might seem silly, I know,’ she said. ‘But Em needs her rest and I reckon you probably do, too.’

  ‘Got it, sorry,’ said Hendrix. Then, ‘Um, Anna, you haven’t heard from Dad again, have you?’

  ‘No, why would I hear from your dad?’ she said.

  ‘Oh, I dunno. He’s not home, is all. And he’s always home. It’s alright. He’ll be back. Can I say goodnight to Em?’

  ‘In the morning.’ Anna laughed as she said it. ‘She’s out cold. Big night, eh?’

  ‘Something like that,’ said Hendrix.

  ‘Hey Hendrix, before you go. It’s going to work out. Nothing’s easy, not really. But you know that. Trust things will be okay.’

  Hendrix nodded to himself, ‘Yeah, right. Of course. Thanks, Anna.’

  He felt like he was missing something.

  ‘Hey, Dad,’ said Hendrix, up earlier than usual, ready to go to school. ‘Where were you last night?’

  He’d said it from the hallway, fully expecting to find his dad perched at the bench, juicer wiped down already, some purplish beetroot and ginger mix all frothed up in two glasses on the bench. Hendrix had been through the conversation a hundred times already, figuring it was better to be on the front foot. Maybe he’d tell Dad everything. He’d definitely tell him about Emily’s problem, that’d help ease things.

  But the kitchen was as empty as it’d been the night before. His breakfast bowl from last night’s dinner was still in the sink, the water in it murky with milk. He got that into the dishwasher, quick smart.

  His dad’s car wasn’t back and he still hadn’t answered his phone or emails. It was as if he’d vanished. Hendrix called Emily and hung up before she answered. It wasn’t even 6 a.m. Her mum would think he was nuts. But he was happy when his phone rang almost immediately.

  ‘Missed call,’ Emily said. ‘You miss me, right?’

  ‘Yep. Hey, my dad’s still not home.’

  ‘So you’re still not in trouble, which is probably good.’

  ‘Aha! Hadn’t thought about it that way. Good one.’

  But he was thinking how he’d rather be in trouble with his dad home. This wasn’t normal. Even when he had the shits, he’d always been around, and the shits only ever lasted for so long before he’d give up on them and it’d be back to business as usual.

  Hendrix got himself together, tried emailing and calling again every half hour or so but gave up when it was time to get the bus to school. The house was clean, his room was done, work-out gear in the sink in the laundry. All the signs were there that said Hendrix was doing his bit.

  On the night Emily and Hendrix had gone away together, Anna had called Paul hoping he knew where they were. He’d been dumbstruck to find out his son wasn’t at the Duke of Ed camp as he’d said, and Anna was equally surprised at Paul’s vitriol. He swore a lot, huffed and puffed and hung up.

  When he’d called Anna back a short time later, he’d chilled but found it hard to believe she had no clue where the kids were.

  ‘They are kids, you know.’

  ‘I know,’ Anna had said. ‘And one of them’s mine and she had my permission to go camping.’

  If it didn’t calm Paul, it certainly settled him.

  They talked options, what the probabilities were and whether they should involve the police. In the end, Paul came up with the idea that once they were back and safe, it would be best for them to spend a little time apart. ‘You could take Emily back to Benalla to see her friends, right?’

  Anna wasn’t sure it was a great idea, but understood the logic.

  Paul pushed on. ‘He’s worked so hard to get to this level of competition. He’s really good, Anna. He can’t chuck it away like this. He just can’t.’

  Anna’s first reaction had been to question whether ‘chucking it away’ was a fair description of her daughter. But the more Paul talked, the clearer his intention became.

  ‘I need some time,’ he’d said. ‘Two weeks at least, a month at the most.’

  There was nothing simp
le about the equation he was offering.

  ‘You know she’ll want to see him, don’t you?’ Anna had said. ‘She’s going to want to be there when he runs, as well.’

  She couldn’t see him rolling his eyes and nodding like a loon.

  ‘And if they haven’t moved on to the next big romance in their lives by that stage, I’m guessing he’ll want her there, too,’ he’d said. ‘That’s fine. We can work it all out when we get a bit closer. I just need your help, Anna. And do us a favour, will you? Let’s commit to this, give them proper time off.’

  Anna was riled. ‘Paul. I don’t think they’re pretending to have feelings for each other. I think they’re pretty serious.’

  ‘I know, I know,’ he’d stammered. ‘But they’re teenagers and you remember how it was. I was in love with a girl in a poster on the back of my bedroom door, put it that way. There are days I still can’t believe it didn’t work out with her.’ He’d tried to laugh but missed the mark. ‘Emily’s not the only sacrifice he’s going to be making. Hendrix is not going to like it, but I’ll be taking his phone, getting him out of that social media rat race. This is about discipline as much as anything. Actions have consequences; he’s got to get that in his head. Once he brains them at Nationals he’ll have earned some of his freedom back. That may include Emily, I promise.’

  They’d spoken again the next day. Anna still wasn’t thrilled about cutting the two of them off completely, but understood. Anna also knew she could use the time with Emily. They all could.

  And really, in the scheme of things, two weeks was nothing. Paul had a point. If they were serious, they’d be fine. The time apart might even bring them closer together.

  After school, the Camry was parked out the front of the garage. Hendrix’s initial sense of relief was quickly run over by one of dread. He’d be for it, now. Guaranteed. He had no idea how to play what was coming.

  ‘Dad?’ he ventured as he came through the front door. And then a bit louder. ‘Dad?’

  ‘There you are,’ his dad said. ‘G’day. You’re back.’ It was like nothing had happened, as if it was the most normal day in the world.

  ‘Yeah, right,’ said Hendrix. ‘And you’re back, too.’

  It was met with a shake of the head, like his father didn’t quite understand. ‘Yeah, I guess.’

  Hendrix’s phone squawked in his pocket, but he left it there.

  ‘Get it, if you want.’

  ‘It’s cool.’ Hendrix fought the urge to check his phone.

  His dad glanced at his watch. It was synced with Hendrix’s phone, so when he was close enough, the beginning of every text that came in to Hendrix flashed up on his watch.

  From Em: Going to miss you.

  ‘She’s gonna miss you, alright. Give us the phone, party boy. You’re gonna focus now. We’ve got work to do, and we’re gonna do it right. Cough it up, eh?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘The phone. Let’s have it. Two weeks to go, no time to stuff about.’ He had his hand out, fingers wiggling. ‘Eat something. Put your work-out gear on. Let’s go.’

  Hendrix read the text, figured Emily knew he’d be grounded and handed the phone over slowly. He was keen to send a quick text but the look on his dad’s face screamed it’d be a stupid move.

  Things had changed in the gym. There was a new planner on the wall, new spreadsheets and timesheets, too. The photos and posters were gone. It was just a gym now, stark and empty. Prison gym, Hendrix thought.

  ‘It’s on the wall,’ his dad said. ‘New plan. Follow it. To the minute and the heartbeat.’

  While Hendrix stretched, his father watched on. He didn’t say a word, was just a presence in the corner. To try and lighten things up a bit, Hendrix asked where his dad had been the night before. ‘You always come home, Dad. I was worried about you.’

  Dad grunted. ‘Good feeling, isn’t it?’

  They listened to the car radio from South Melbourne to just past the airport and cranked the good stuff from then on.

  In the strangest way, Emily was excited to be heading back to Benalla. Not just to see her dad and Siss, but there’d be something nice about going home with a story to tell. There was a new man in her life and he was something else. Emily felt like she’d grown up, that she was closer to the person she’d always tried to be. And she was certain Hendrix would be there for her the moment the season finished.

  ‘Excited?’ said her mum, turning down the stereo.

  Em nodded, pursing her lips, trying not to smile. Her thoughts revolved around Hendrix. Talking. Kissing. She’d been trying to imagine the photo they would have taken at Rye surf beach if they’d had their phones, and she couldn’t forget that morning in the tent. She felt good enough to burst.

  ‘So, what do you want to be when you grow up?’ said Mum.

  ‘Oh, geez, Mum, I don’t know. Everything. Doctor. Lawyer. Librarian. Prime Minister.’

  Her mum pressed. ‘Yeah? But really, what are you thinking? What do you want to do with yourself?’

  ‘If I don’t die, you mean,’ laughed Emily, only it wasn’t a funny laugh.

  ‘Well, yeah. You could be Prime Minister. Why not you?’

  ‘Yeeeeees? I was kind of kidding about that, Mum.’

  ‘Don’t limit yourself, Em. Might as well dream big, right? Never say never.’ They rode in silence for little while. ‘Hey, I’ve got a bit of a surprise for you in Benalla.’

  As soon as Emily heard the word surprise, her heart soared. Mum’d organised a visit from a certain someone. She’d be able to show Hendrix off in all his rippling, super-fast glory! The boys could see what they were up against, how she’d moved on to this sensational human being. It was great, and so clear. Saturday night, maybe? At a party.

  Her mum got in the way of her thoughts. ‘So, we’ve got dinner tonight with just family. I think Raney and Tess have you tomorrow night and then …’

  ‘Yes?’ went Emily.

  ‘You ready?’

  ‘Come on, Mum.’

  ‘We start you on radiation therapy. Monday morning. First thing.’

  Emily couldn’t speak. ‘Oh, fuck. Tell me that’s not the surprise.’

  ‘Yep. Afraid so. We’re going to get on the front foot, be proactive.’

  After a moment to recalibrate, Emily said, ‘But we talked about this, Mum. It’s not going to help. Didn’t Dr Harrington say radiation therapy might make things worse? They didn’t know how the growth would react to that kind of treatment. He said that, Mum. He did.’

  Emily saw herself all bald and shrivelled and pruned. Her life would be sitting around in a hospital waiting room and she couldn’t bear the thought of it. ‘He said it wasn’t an option. Remember? Didn’t Dr Harrington say it wasn’t that sort of tumour?’

  ‘He’d hoped it wasn’t that sort of tumour, or that it wouldn’t become that sort of tumour. That’s what he said originally, Emily. But now it is,’ said her mum. ‘And we’ve agreed to it. Two weeks radiation, maybe three. We have to shrink it, then he wants to cut it out. We start Monday. Sorry, darling. Surprise!’

  She reached over and grabbed Emily’s hand, squeezing hard, the way she had so many times when they’d been to see the doctor. ‘We’ve got to kill it before … you know. We’ve got to get it, Em.’

  Paul Kelly was warbling on about making gravy, officially the saddest song ever, thought Emily. What if she couldn’t be there to make the gravy? It felt like the stupidest reason to start crying, but there she was, head bowed, one hand on her face trying to hold herself together. ‘What if I don’t want to?’

  She could see her mum blinking back tears. ‘It’s happening, Em. We’re doing it. We’ve run out of choices and it’s not a matter of whether you want to or not. You have to.’

  Emily pulled her hand back. ‘So why are we going to Benalla? To say goodbye or something? In case it kills me?’

  She knew she was being dramatic but couldn’t stop.

  ‘The treatment’s available in Benalla. And
we just thought it’d be best to be home. Familiar surrounds. Family. Friends.’

  ‘What about my new friends? Don’t they count for anything?’ She wanted to get out of the car and be sick.

  ‘They do. You know they do. None of this is fair, Em, it’s just how it is.’

  ‘What about Hendrix? When do I get to see him?’

  ‘Hendrix has his own fight on his hands. You know that. But he’s definitely in your corner, that’s a promise.’

  They stopped at the big service centre at Avenal and had dim sims and hot chocolate. None of it helped. Emily didn’t feel her heart beat again until she got home. Siss erupted through the flyscreen door and bounced down the stairs.

  ‘How’s your boyfriend? Did ya bring him?’ was the first thing she said, making Emily smile.

  ‘Oh, he’s alright.’

  ‘Better than alright,’ said Siss. ‘But not a patch on mine.’

  Dad hung back, trying to smile. He gave nothing away, but it was a big hug when they got to it. The four of them settled into a pretty normal family scene at a time when normal seemed a million miles away. Tea on the verandah, a walk around the garden, Mum avoiding the herbs that hadn’t made it, Dad celebrating those that had.

  Afternoon dribbled into evening, and dinner was at the dining table usually saved for special occasions.

  ‘You gonna tell us about this new friend of yours?’ Dad said as casually as possible. He’d scrambled for conversation for most of the afternoon, hoping to avoid the elephant of Monday and beginning the new treatment.

  Emily brightened. ‘He’s a runner. Good, too. Really good. And he’s nice, isn’t he, Mum? Siss met him.’

  ‘He’s lovely,’ said her mum. ‘National champ, they reckon, if he’s allowed to train properly. So really, we’re doing him a favour, right, babe?’

  ‘That’s what his dad reckons, but I wonder if that’s how Hendrix sees it,’ went Emily, desperate to get away from the table to call him. She wanted to text and Snapchat and whatever else she could think of. Hendrix’d gone to ground, but he said that might happen. ‘Two weeks,’ he’d said on the way home on the train. ‘For sure I’ll be grounded. Two long, shitty weeks where I won’t be able to see you.’