by J. Sterling
“First loves always have a place in your heart,” my mom said with conviction. “But that doesn’t necessarily mean there’s any more to it than that. Sometimes it’s just the familiarity and comfort that calls to us.”
“No. It’s not that.” Kristy jumped in, apparently feeling perfectly within her right to speak on my behalf.
Raising a brow at Kristy, I said, “Why am I even here?”
“It’s not that,” Kristy said again, this time with more authority. “Mom, you know we just had our ten-year reunion, right?”
My mom cracked a smile that didn’t quite hide her sadness. “That’s right. I’m sorry, I didn’t even call to ask how it was. Was he there? This boy from high school?”
“Dalton,” Kristy added, and I folded my arms. My presence was clearly not necessary for this conversation.
“Dalton. And he was there?” Mom leaned forward, her gaze pinging between Kristy and me as if we were sharing secrets, her voice taking on a confidential tone.
“Oh yeah. He was there, all right.” Kristy let out a howl of a laugh.
I rolled my eyes. “Can we skip every detail and just get to it?”
Mom laughed. “She’s right. I don’t need to hear everything. Just the parts where Cammie’s being foolish.” When I narrowed my eyes at my mom, she added, “Her words, not mine,” and pointed at Kristy.
Kristy sucked in a quick breath. “Okay. Cammie has liked Dalton for forever, and she never really got over him. She’ll tell you she did, but the truth is that she didn’t. And apparently he hasn’t ever gotten over her either. But he’s a cop now.” Kristy paused as Mom’s eyes narrowed and her lips pressed together in a hard line. “He went missing the other day, and Cammie freaked out. Rightfully so, don’t get me wrong,” Kristy said, turning to look at me.
“What do you mean, he went missing?” my mom asked as her eyebrows pulled together in confusion and concern.
“Something to do with the case he was working on. He got flown back to New York with no notice and no cell phone, so he couldn’t call her or anything.”
“I bet that really scared you, didn’t it?” Mom asked, staring right at me, but I didn’t respond.
It scared the shit out of me. My mother already knew the answer, and I was afraid that if I commented at all, I’d break down and have to fill her in on the panic attack I had that resulted in my ER visit. I didn’t want to tell her about that, not wanting her to worry about me.
Kristy finished up her CliffsNotes version. “So now your daughter says she can’t date him because she doesn’t want to date a cop. Because she can’t go through what you went through.”
Damn. Kristy’s version sounded brutal when she laid it all out like that.
My mom stood from her chair and walked over to me, wrapping her arms around me from behind and squeezing. “Oh, sweetheart.”
“You get why I can’t be with him, don’t you?” I asked, longing for someone to understand. I needed her validation to make me feel less alone, less crazy, less scared.
She brushed my hair from my face and gave me a small smile. “I understand why you think you can’t be with him.”
“Mom.” I shook my head as she moved back to her seat across the table. “I can’t go through what you went through. If anything happened to him, I’d never be okay. The same way you weren’t okay.”
The sad look on my mom’s face added a crack to my already fractured heart. “Oh, Cammie. My dear, sweet Cammie. You endured a loss and dealt with so much pain that no child should ever have to experience. I’m so sorry that you lost your father. It’s a horrible thing for a girl to lose her dad, but you also lost me in the process for a long time. It hurts me to know that I can never take that back, or do those moments over again.”
She reached out a hand and clasped mine. “I was so lost in my own grief, so consumed with my own emotions that I couldn’t dig myself out to check on yours. I was selfish, and I’m so sorry, honey. In my mind, you were old enough to take care of yourself. I convinced myself that you didn’t need me anymore for basic things. It was wrong of me, and I’m so sorry.”
As Mom spoke of things we’d never discussed before, my eyes stung with tears at her honesty and humility. I had forgiven my mother long ago for her withdrawal after my father’s death. I had never truly been angry with her because I’d understood all too well that her heart was shattered beyond repair. My parents had an amazing relationship, and if she had taken the news any other way, it probably would have seemed strange to me. Deep down, if I had to be honest, that was how I expected someone in her position to react. To me, that was how one should grieve the loss of their spouse.
“It’s okay, Mom. I forgive you.”
“It’s not okay,” she said, her voice shaking as she wiped away a tear that had fallen. “I’m telling you that how I acted wasn’t okay.”
Wanting to reassure my mom, I squeezed her hand. “It was a long time ago. It was hard, but I survived. So did you. Look, we’re both fine.” I gave her a wavering smile, hoping she’d buy it.
“Then why do you think you’re any less strong to handle dating this boy, Dalton?”
I swallowed the boulder in my throat as I reached for my tea and took a small sip. “It’s not that I’m not strong enough to date him. It’s that I don’t want to.”
“Bullshit,” Kristy said behind a fake cough.
After shooting a quick glare Kristy’s way, I turned back to my mom. “I don’t want that in my life. I didn’t have a say in what my dad did for a job, but I feel like I have a say in what my boyfriend does. I mean, if I want to allow that into my life or not.”
My mom’s expression softened. “You can’t control who your heart falls in love with, Cammie.”
“But I can control if I do something about it or not.”
“What are you so scared of?” she asked.
“I’m scared that I’m repeating a pattern. That my life is on a vicious cycle that’s filled with loss and heartache,” I admitted, feeling vulnerable.
“Based on one event? One action?” my mom asked simply.
“One event that changed everything! One action that took away my father, your husband. Losing Dad wrecked me.”
I glanced at Kristy, surprised she hadn’t chimed in lately. She’d been so quiet that I wouldn’t have known she was still there if I couldn’t see her sitting next to me.
Mom reached out to pat my arm. “Oh, honey. Losing your father wrecked me too. But I will tell you this. If I had known how it was all going to end—if I had known the outcome before we ever started—I would have done it all anyway. I wouldn’t have given up a single second of my life with your father if given the choice. I’d choose loving him and being loved by him over the pain of losing him ten times out of ten.”
I wasn’t sure when the tears started spilling from my eyes, but the vision of my mom had turned into a blurred mess. “How can you say that? You really would have put yourself through the pain of losing him if you had known?”
“God, yes,” Mom said with a determined nod. “A thousand times yes. Losing your dad was hands down the single most painful event I’ve ever experienced. There were days I wasn’t sure I’d make it through. Days that hurt so bad, every time I opened my eyes, I prayed they’d never open again.”
I winced with that admission, horrified to know my mother had felt that way.
“But all those years I got to spend with him were the best years of my life. Being his wife filled me with pride because I respected him. He showed me what a true gentleman was made of. And he made me a mother; he gave me you. I learned what real love was because of him. And I’m a better person for it. I would never want to lose any of that because we didn’t get to grow old together. I’m just so thankful for every moment we did have.”
“Jesus, Mom.” I barely formed the words as I started bawling. Her speech was as beautiful as it was painful, as inspiring as it was heartbreaking.
Kristy reached for my hand and squeezed
it as she wiped away her own tears, the kitchen now filled with the sounds of three women sniffling.
Mom stood up and gave us each a hug. “I love you so much, sweetheart, and I’m so proud of you. I would hate to see you make your choices in love out of fear. What happened to your dad could have happened to anyone. It didn’t happen because he was a police officer. He wasn’t killed because he was a cop. He was killed because he was in the way, because he was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or the right place at the right time, because he saved that little girl’s life.”
She smiled through her own tears. “It all depends on how you look at it. Don’t make Dalton pay for what some thug did to your dad. Don’t give that person that kind of power over you and your life. We both know he’s done enough damage.”
I had never thought about it that way before. By running away from Dalton, I was giving my dad’s killer even more power over me. He was winning, and I was choosing to let him. I’d already lost so much.
“I know that was a bit of an emotional dump.” Mom smiled and tilted her head. “But you understand what I’m trying to tell you, don’t you?”
“That love is worth the risk?” I asked, hoping my answer was the right one.
“For the right person, it is. Don’t give up on Dalton because you’re scared your future might look the way mine did. It’s not fair to him, and it’s not fair to you. Your future might be way brighter than mine ever was. With a lot more kids,” she added with a wink. “Just try to think about it that way.”
“Ha-ha! She wants grandkids already,” Kristy burst out, and I swatted her shoulder. She was the annoying sister I never had.
“How are you feeling? Have I helped at all?” my mother asked, her tone less concerned and more hopeful.
“You definitely helped. And I feel better, a lot better. Thanks, Mom.” I squeezed her hard. “I want to soak in all this information and really think about things. I can’t keep playing Dalton like a pinball machine. When I talk to him, I want to be one hundred percent sure of everything I feel.”
“Don’t take too long,” my mom warned.
“I just need a few days to get my head right.”
Mom gave me a mischievous grin. “That’s what I told him you’d say.”
Shocked, I practically choked on my own tongue. I reached out for Kristy to steady myself, and noticed her jaw was hanging wide open.
“What did you just say?” I asked my mom once I found my voice.
Her eyes twinkled as she sat back down in her chair. “That’s what I told the young man when he stopped by here this morning. I told him to give you time. But that you’d come around.”
“Mom! Dalton was here?”
“That boy’s in love with you, Cammie.”
“What did he want? Why was he here?”
“He wanted to talk to me about you. He wondered if I had any advice when it came to you and your feelings.”
I tried to ask my mom more questions, but you couldn’t hear a damn thing over the sound of Kristy’s howling laughter.
“Oh, that’s classic. Dalton came here before we did?” Kristy held her stomach, she was laughing so hard. “Holy crap, Cammie, you don’t have anyone on your side.”
I gave my best friend another not-so-gentle swat. “It’s not funny. This is not funny, damn it!”
Mom turned serious as her gaze snared mine. “I will support whatever decision you decide to make when it comes to Dalton and your heart. But I’ll be sad for you if you don’t at least give him a chance. I see it in your eyes when you talk about him, the same way I saw it in his eyes when he spoke about you. You two care about each other.”
Her eyes took on a dreamy look as she added, “He seems like a nice young man. Don’t give up because you’re scared. Relationships are always scary. Giving your heart to someone is terrifying, no matter what they do for a living. Loving another person is taking a giant leap of faith. It’s being vulnerable at the most basic level. It’s like taking your heart out of your chest and chucking it off a cliff, hoping that someone is waiting at the bottom with open arms to catch it.”
“Thanks for that visual, Mom,” I said with a groan.
“I’m just saying that love is always going to be scary at times. But when it’s with the right person, it’s much more than that. So much more.”
Mom looked wistful, and instead of giving her the third degree about Dalton coming over, I decided to save that inquisition for him. Before I could say anything else, she stood up.
“All right.” She brushed her hands against the top of her jeans. “You two need to skedaddle, because I have a date with Richard that I need to get ready for.”
Richard was my mom’s boyfriend for the last couple of years. He was a good enough guy, but he seemed to be the exact opposite of my dad, as far as I could remember. Where my dad had been funny and charismatic, Richard was shy and more reserved. But he made my mom happy, and so you’d never hear me complain.
As Kristy got up to leave, I planted a kiss on my mom’s cheek, whispered thank-you in her ear, and squeezed her so hard I felt my heart expanding inside my chest.
“Love you, sweetheart. Call me and let me know what you decide, okay?”
“I will,” I promised.
Kristy gave her a hug and we headed toward the door. My mom walked out with us, then stood in the driveway waving as we pulled out and onto the street. Driving away from my mom always made me feel sentimental, as if I was leaving home again for the first time.
Once we merged onto the freeway, I turned toward my best friend. “Say it,” I said, shooting her a glare from the passenger seat. “Just get it over with already.”
Kristy glanced over at me quickly, a shit-eating grin on her face. “Told you so,” she said with a shrug, as if my mom taking my side was never a real possibility.
This Better Be Good News
Dalton
A whole week had gone by since Cammie had forced me out of her life, and I’d wanted to punch every single person in the face ever since. Seven days, six nights.
I was nothing if not a rational man. I fought with myself constantly, resisting the strong urge to call her or send her text messages, no matter how badly I wanted to. Every hour of the fucking day, I wanted to tell her how I couldn’t stop thinking about her and ask her if she’d changed her mind yet. It fucking killed me that she hadn’t reached out to me either, and I refused to let my mind explore the reasons why that might be.
I’d gone to see her mom before I flew back to New York. She told me to give Cammie some space, but she was convinced that her daughter would eventually come around. So much so that she almost had me completely convinced by the time I left. I thought it would be awkward and weird to be in Cammie’s childhood home, talking to her mom like that, but she was truly hospitable and kind. Cammie was probably going to kick my ass once she found out, but it had been worth it. Desperate times and all that.
“Hey, partner.” Tucker’s voice cut through my thoughts as he joined me in the break room at the station.
“Hey.” I nodded.
“Still no word from Cammie Land?”
“Don’t call her that. And no, assface. Thanks for the reminder,” I barked out.
“Oh, please. Like you needed a reminder. If I know you, and I do, you were probably thinking about her right before I sat my happy ass down next to you. Am I right, or am I right?” He bit into a chocolate doughnut, and I seriously wondered again how he didn’t weigh three hundred pounds with eating habits like his.
“It’s been a week. A fucking week.”
“So call her,” he suggested, his mouth filled with food.
“I’m giving her space.”
“Fuck space! Girls always think they know what they want, when really it’s just some crazy-ass test they’re putting us through. They say they want space, but they really want the exact opposite. They tell you to go away and leave them alone forever, but they really want you to fight for them and win them back.
Bitches are always setting us up to fail.”
Even though I wanted to hit him for insinuating that Cammie was a bitch, I believed he might actually have a point in his screwed-up, coffee-filled head.
“I’m just saying, text the girl. Call the girl. Don’t go silent on her just because she told you to. Show her you’re not going anywhere, and that you meant all those pretty words I’m sure you said to her.” Finished with his doughnut, Tucker brushed off his hands, then shoved away from the table and headed toward the exit.
“Asshole,” I said with a grunt as I contemplated his advice.
“I heard that,” he called out as the door shut behind him.
I had meant it when I’d told Cammie that I came back to the reunion for her. It wasn’t a line or something I told myself to get through cold New York winters. I wanted that girl, and I’d be damned if I would let her slip through my fingers twice in one lifetime.
Not. Going. To. Happen.
Not on my watch.
Fuck it.
The only thing this separation was doing was driving me certifiably crazy. I pulled out my personal phone and typed out a quick text. Or four. It was time for radio silence to end.
Dalton: Have you had enough space yet?
Dalton: How about now?
Dalton: I hate space. Space is stupid. Not like space, space. The other kind of space. Not the starry kind.
What the hell? The starry kind? Too late to take that back now; I’d already pressed Send. This woman turned me into a rambling idiot. I tugged at my hair, hoping she’d laugh and miss me, instead of thinking I was dumb. Typing out one last text, I finished with a bang. I was desperate for some kind of contact from her.
Dalton: It’s been a week since I’ve seen your beautiful face or heard your voice. I’m a strong man, Cammie, but I’m not that strong.
As I sent the last text, I wondered how on earth I’d gone ten years without having her in my life in some way. Maybe it was easier because I could look her up online anytime I wanted, and that gave me some sort of satisfaction. The knowledge of where she was and what she was doing comforted me when I was so far away.