Flick

by Geraldine Meade

  Kar has thrown herself on the bed and is reading a magazine by the time we get to her room. She doesn’t even look up when we come in. Fee starts making ‘talk to her’ eyes at me.

  ‘No,’ I mouth stubbornly.

  She clenches her jaw before reaching out and giving me a pinch on the arm.

  ‘Look, Kar, I’m sorry for last night,’ I begin awkwardly. ‘Mike said there was nothing going on between you two … If there was, I never would have let anything happen.’

  I can’t say anything else. Thinking and talking about him makes me feel disgusting and dirty and sick. So I just stand there watching Kar read. I’m so relieved when I hear Rita calling to say Mam is there.

  ‘I better go,’ I say. Kar doesn’t even look up. I’m racing along the hall trying to get to Rita before she says anything to Mam when Ryan walks out of the bathroom and I bump straight into him.

  I gasp, stumbling backwards. He grabs me to stop me from falling and a wave of heat runs through me.

  ‘Sorry,’ he says, ‘are you OK?’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,’ I say as he lets go and I make a move to walk on.

  ‘So, had you a good night?’ he asks. I shrug and drag my eyes from the floor to take a peek at his face. Those glittering blue eyes are smiling at me. I immediately look away embarrassed.

  ‘I suppose so.’

  ‘You don’t sound too convinced,’ he says.

  ‘I guess I’m just wrecked … Mam’s downstairs so I’ve to go.’

  ‘We’re going out to the Cove next Friday night,’ he says quickly as I begin to walk away. ‘So, do you fancy coming with us … with me, I mean?’

  ‘Uh …’ I can’t think; I have to get out of here, away from Ryan, away from Kar. I look back towards her room, hoping she can’t hear.

  ‘Flick?’

  ‘Uh, yeah, sure,’ I say in the hope of making a quick escape.

  ‘Great!’ he says, his face lit up.

  Oh my god, what the hell have I just agreed to?

  ‘So will we meet somewhere beforehand?’ he asks, moving towards me.

  ‘Um … uh, I … I dunno,’ I say, backing away. I only stop when I hit the wall but Ryan is still coming.

  ‘Or will we just meet there?’ he says.

  His face is inches from mine and even though my mouth is open nothing comes out. My head is spinning.

  I’m not surprised when I hear Kar’s room door open – it’s inevitable, really: with me things can always get worse. Ryan turns immediately. I don’t even bother looking back; I just duck under his arm and jog on down the stairs. Rita and Mam are chatting by the door.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Mam asks, looking at me.

  ‘Fine,’ I say, although I know my face is burning up.

  ‘It really was so good of you to look after Felicity. It’s lovely to go away knowing she’s in such good hands,’ Mam says to Kar’s mam.

  ‘Yeah, thanks a lot; I had a lovely time,’ I quickly add. I practically push Mam out the door ahead of me.

  ‘It was no problem,’ Rita calls as we bundle into the car. I lie back against the seat, exhausted and close my eyes for a few seconds, grateful for the darkness.

  Mam and Dad talk all the way home and then for ages after we get there until I think I’ll never get to my room. The minute I do, I strip and stand under the shower with a nail brush and soap, scrubbing as hard as I can. It hurts like hell but I don’t care, I just want to get rid of the feel and smell and memory of him. I lean my head against the wall of the shower and feel the water drumming against my shoulders and back. It gurgles as it swirls down the plughole. Eventually, still feeling dirty, I dry myself and head to bed.

  I wake around two with an alarm ringing in my ear. It takes me a few minutes to remember the tablets. I quickly swallow all three, not caring that they should be an hour apart, and gulp down the glass of water. For the rest of the night I lie awake willing myself not to be sick and wishing I was anyone but me. By morning I feel lousy and persuade Mam I’m too sick for school; I can’t face Kar or Fee anyway.

  ‘I’ll be back at five,’ she promises, ‘but if you’re feeling worse give me a buzz.’

  ‘OK,’ I croak. I don’t sleep or eat all day, just think of Mike and what he did to me. Even the telly doesn’t drown it out. By the time Mam gets home at five I’ve had four showers and am feeling worse than ever.

  ‘I’m taking you to the doctor,’ she insists, even though I try to persuade her otherwise. Thankfully, she waits outside.

  ‘It’s a virus,’ he tells me without even checking me out. My head spins – could I have picked something up from Mike? I wonder. Isn’t HIV a virus you get after having sex? Isn’t that the one that people die from?

  ‘What kind of virus?’ I ask.

  ‘There are so many different strains,’ he says.

  Oh my God, oh my God … ‘Can’t you give me anything?’ I ask.

  He shakes his head. ‘Not for a virus, just plenty of rest and fluids so you don’t get dehydrated.’

  ‘And then what?’ I persist.

  He looks at me, confused. ‘Then hopefully you’ll get better,’ he says.

  ‘Hopefully? You mean I might not? I could die?’ I say.

  He laughs as he writes furiously but he says nothing. I’m not convinced. ‘Come back if it gets any worse,’ he says, ‘and don’t worry, you’ll be better before you’re married.’

  Oh my God, I think, I’ve probably got a lifetime illness on top of everything else.

  CHAPTER 16

  I go up to my room the minute I get home. There’s no sign of my period and I’m scared to death of this virus thingy that I have. So I sit surfing the net for the next few hours hoping that it’ll tell me I’ve nothing to worry about.

  It doesn’t. Instead it confuses me all the more. Nightmares of Mike and babies and painful deaths hound my sleep throughout the night. Tuesday is even worse; I spend most of the day in the bathroom, praying that my period will come and that the virus will go. By Wednesday, I’m utterly exhausted and none of my prayers have been answered.

  ‘Jeez, you look awful,’ Fee says when she calls in that afternoon, ‘and I thought you were just pretending in order to avoid Kar.’

  I shake my head. ‘I don’t think so,’ I croak, wondering if I should tell her that I’ve probably got some fatal disease.

  ‘So, did you get your period?’ she whispers as she sits on the bed.

  ‘No,’ I say hoarsely.

  ‘Oh,’ she says, ‘it’ll probably come tomorrow.’

  I nod and try to hold back the tears.

  She starts going on about school, just to change the subject.

  ‘How’s Kar?’ I ask.

  She shrugs, ‘she’s still peeved over the weekend and the whole Mike thing and now she thinks there’s something going on with you and Ryan too.’

  ‘There’s not,’ I say with a sigh.

  ‘So you prefer Mike?’ she asks.

  ‘No,’ I snap.

  ‘But you guys had such a great night … I know you’re worried about your period but things like that happen. I bet you’ll definitely get it tomorrow.’

  I can feel the anger and hatred swell up inside me.

  ‘Kev told me he’s been asking for you a lot,’ she continues with a grin. ‘He wants your number. I bet he’s going to ring you to ask you to go out with him. Wouldn’t that be so cool? Imagine what the four of us could do …’

  I clench my jaw to stop myself from screaming.

  ‘Oh, damn,’ Fee says, looking at her watch, ‘I’m dead late. I gotta run. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.’

  With a slam of the door she is gone.

  The darkness brings more nightmares, worse than before. I kick and scream again and again as I try to get away from Mike. But I know it’s too late. My screams turn to cries as I realise I’m powerless to stop him. He’ll never leave me alone! Somewhere I hear a soothing voice calling my name over and over again and telling me that everything is g
oing to be all right, but it never will be, no matter what they say. When I open my eyes Mam and Dad are beside me.

  ‘I thought there was someone here,’ I sniffle.

  ‘I know,’ Mam says, ‘but it was just a bad dream. There’s no one here but us, and we’re not going to let anything happen to you.’

  It’s too late, Mam, I think, it’s already happened. I can’t stop crying. I wipe the tears away but they still come.

  ‘Why don’t you lie back down and I’ll stay here with you,’ Mam whispers after a while.

  I do as I’m told, promising myself I won’t sleep, but like Mike, sleep is an impossible enemy to fight. When I wake again it’s after six and I’m shattered. I tiptoe softly across the room to the bathroom.

  Let me have my period, I pray. I check but there’s nothing there. Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, this can’t be happening, I think. I won’t let it happen. I sit feeling sick and scared.

  Mam interrogates me when she wakes up. ‘Maybe there’s something on your mind? Something that you want to talk about? You know you can tell me,’ she says.

  ‘It was just a crazy dream. I can’t really even remember it,’ I say.

  ‘But you’ve had a few now and they seem to be getting worse.’

  I bite my lip and try to brush her off and in the end she gives up and goes to get ready for work. I head downstairs and into the kitchen; I’m so hungry. Isn’t that one of the symptoms of being pregnant? I think as I butter my third slice of toast; you start eating for two and become as big as a house in days. I shudder at the thought. All day I go from the kitchen to the bathroom to the sofa and to the TV. By one o’ clock I’ve eaten three more slices of toast, an apple, two bars of chocolate, five jam and cream biscuits and I’ve drunk at least one carton of orange juice. I’ve also visited the loo at least fifteen times, and there is still nothing. I don’t know which makes me feel sicker – the eating or the waiting. I throw myself back onto the couch and bury my head in the pillow. My life is ruined.

  CHAPTER 17

  By four o’ clock the highways of my brain are clogged with depressing images of screaming babies and smelly nappies and runny noses. I feel even worse and I know it’s another sign … morning sickness. I’ve looked it up on the net; they say it can happen any time of the day and can last for weeks, even months! My life is officially over. I’ve set up residence in the bathroom, hoping against hope that something will happen. I’m up there, trying not to think the worst, when the doorbell rings. Who the hell is that? I wonder, as I reluctantly head down to answer it.

  ‘Hey, what took you so long?’ Fee asks as she pushes past me. ‘Let me in; it’s freezing out here.’ I close the door behind her and follow her into the kitchen. I slump down on one of the chairs.

  ‘Fancy a cuppa?’ she asks, clicking on the kettle.

  ‘Yeah,’ I say, ‘that’d be great.’

  ‘So … anything?’ she asks.

  ‘Not a bloody thing,’ I moan as she walks towards me and drops the stuff on the table.

  ‘Damn,’ she breathes.

  I plonk down opposite her and put my head in my hands. ‘What the hell am I going to do, Fee?’ I groan.

  ‘Look, the week’s not over yet; it might still come,’ she murmurs weakly.

  ‘Yeah, knowing my luck it’ll come kicking and screaming in nine months’ time,’ I reply. We both sit in silence for a moment, thinking the worst.

  ‘Ugh, I can’t bear the thought of it,’ I say, shaking my head, ‘I’m screwed; I’m so screwed.’

  ‘Very apt comment,’ she laughs, trying unsuccessfully to lighten the situation.

  I make a face but don’t reply.

  ‘There are some things you can do,’ she suggests after a few minutes silence.

  ‘Like what? And please don’t mention gross stuff where I have to hurt myself; I don’t do pain.’

  ‘No, no,’ she says, ‘I think if you drink some gin and take a hot bath.’

  ‘How much gin?’ I ask looking over at her.

  ‘I’m not sure,’ she sighs, ‘probably a few glasses.’

  ‘I bet it would have to be an awful lot more than that,’ I say sceptically, ‘more like a bottle or two. So it might kill me but at least I wouldn’t have to worry about being pregnant any more!’

  Fee sniggers.

  ‘It’s not funny, Fee,’ I say.

  ‘I know, I know,’ she says, unable to keep a straight face. Then she starts telling me of a time Kar had to take the morning after pill.

  ‘How come I’ve never heard this story?’ I ask. ‘You haven’t been talking to her about me, have you?’

  ‘No, I haven’t,’ she groans. ‘The whole world doesn’t revolve around you, you know.’

  I grimace as she tells me how Kar took the morning after pill then found a pack of her Mam’s pills and decided to take them too, just in case.

  ‘Jeez,’ I say, ‘that’s mad. How did she feel?’

  ‘Lousy I think, and it took ages for her period to come.’

  ‘Can you imagine the headlines if something had gone wrong? “GIRL OVERDOSES ON PILL!”’ We both laugh. ‘Can you overdose on the pill?’ I ask.

  Fee shrugs. ‘Never heard of it happening,’ she says as she munches through her fourth biscuit. ‘I know one thing, though; she probably didn’t need any other protection for a year after that!’ We laugh again and when we stop I suddenly feel guilty.

  ‘Be back in a minute,’ I say, as I get up and go upstairs to check again. Of course there’s nothing there and when I come down Fee’s in the middle of texting lover boy.

  ‘Well?’ she asks.

  ‘No,’ I reply miserably.

  ‘Any pains, cramps, rumblings? Anything?’ she persists.

  ‘Nothing,’ I say.

  ‘Hmm, well I might be able to cheer you up! Kev’s just texted to ask if you’re up for going out tomorrow night. He might be bringing a certain friend that you know home with him!’ she says, wriggling her eyebrows. ‘I said that you were still under the weather but all going well you might be OK by tomorrow.’

  ‘What?’ I shout, feeling sick and angry and dizzy all at once. ‘I don’t want to see him or go out with him or be anywhere near him.’

  ‘Why are you always so bloody hot and cold?’ she asks angrily. ‘One minute you’re all over him, the next you don’t want to see him. Guys don’t like that, Flick; they don’t like games and I think you two could make a great couple if you just gave him a chance. I also think,’ she continues, ‘that you need to tell him. It might actually help; it’s his problem too.’

  I stare in amazement. ‘One minute you’re telling me the day’s not over, I might still get my period and the next you’re planning for me to tell him?’

  ‘Well, I’m just looking at all of the options,’ she replies defensively.

  ‘Fee, I’ve absolutely no intention of telling him anything,’ I say angrily.

  ‘What?’ she replies, shocked. ‘But I know he really likes you; he said so to Kev, and he really wants to make a go of this with you. I’m sure he’d stick by you if he knew about the baby.’

  ‘Fee! First of all, if there’s a baby in there, then it’s my decision what I do with it … maybe I won’t have to tell anyone about it.’

  ‘What? An abortion?’ she asks.

  I wince, not wanting to say or hear the word aloud.

  ‘But how? Where? And I’ve heard that loads of people have nervous breakdowns and get depressed after those –’

  ‘Who?’ I interrupt. ‘Who the hell do you know who’s had an abortion?’

  ‘I dunno, I’ve just heard stuff,’ she replies.

  I snort loudly. ‘Well, thanks for your support,’ I say.

  ‘I’m just looking out for you,’ she says. ‘If it was me I wouldn’t get rid of it.’

  ‘Well, Holy Mary, you’re not pregnant and you don’t have a clue what it’s like so stop preaching to me.’

  She’s about to say something else but stops.

&n
bsp; ‘Look, I better go,’ she finally says, standing. We head towards the door. ‘There’s still time left for you to have your period. Maybe it’s the stress and worry that’s stopping it from coming. I know you don’t want to go but a night out with a few drinks and a good bop might just get things started,’ she says.

  I bite my cheek but don’t reply. I’m ready to kill Fee.

  She turns and gives me a hug. ‘It’ll be OK, Flick,’ she says softly.

  Somehow I don’t believe her.

  The minute she’s gone I head straight up to my room and crawl in under the covers. All I want to do is hide away and not think about Mike or the baby or anything but instead of stopping, the thoughts just seem to swirl around faster and faster, making my head throb. I feel so lonely and scared and I just don’t know what to do.

  Mam and Dad come home much later and when Mam comes upstairs I pretend to be asleep. She calls my name quietly, then just as quietly she sneaks out. I open my eyes as I hear her walking away and the tears start almost immediately.

  I’m still crying when my phone starts to beep. I turn over and try to ignore it but it beeps again and again. I wipe my eyes and grab it, then stare in surprise. All the messages are from Kar and are all the same, which is weird considering she’s supposed to be mad at me. The message is short and cryptic: ‘Check out my Facebook! There’s someone there you’ll want to see!’

  I log on and quickly click onto Kar’s photos and scroll down through them. It doesn’t take me long to find what she’s talking about. The moment I click on the photo an image of me and Becks fills the screen. Underneath it the caption says, ‘Who’s Flick kissing in the dark?’

  I stare at it, my stomach churning. This is the end. I sit staring in stunned silence while inside my brain is screaming. Oh my God! How the hell did she get this photo? How bloody long has it been here? Long enough for people to see it, I think, long enough for everyone to know!

  The mobile’s shrill ring jolts me back to reality. It’s Fee. I automatically turn it off.

  She knows, I think; she knows and so does everyone else, and Mam and Dad and Kev are going to find out. I know that I can never face any of them again … ever.