‘Darling, how brilliant!’ said Rory, when I’d explained the news. ‘Although…’
‘What?’
‘It’s just a meeting.’
‘I know. But a meeting’s more than I’ve ever had before.’
‘Of course. I just don’t want you to get your hopes up.’
I felt squashed but didn’t want to let it sour the evening. I wanted one night where I didn’t feel a spasm of insecurity about this relationship. One night where it felt like it had at the start.
‘How was Prague?’ I asked, laying my head on his shoulder. We were sitting on the sofa while Rory wrote emails on his laptop.
He mumbled under his breath as he typed.
‘Rory, how was it? The stag?’
‘Sorry, darling, so much to catch up on. And it was good. Not much to report. Beer, strippers, the usual.’
‘Strippers?’
‘Got you! No, no strippers. Just beer, and tequila, and some god-awful club I can hardly remember. But it was fun. He’s not that bad, you know, your future brother-in-law.’ He turned to kiss me on the cheek before looking back at his screen. ‘Can you give me, five, maybe ten minutes to get through these and then I’m all yours.’
We had sex on his sofa as soon as he’d finished. Wordlessly, he placed his laptop on the floor and put his hand under my chin to tilt my face towards his. I was so hungry I almost protested to say could we eat and chat first, but then I felt my body respond to his touch. It was hunger of a different kind. Women are often accused of using sex as a weapon, a devious ploy, but Rory could do it too. He was like a sex wizard, I thought, which almost made me laugh into his mouth. But then his hand slipped under my T-shirt and I gasped instead. I just had to keep my eyes open throughout so Zach didn’t appear in my head again. But that was all right, right? That was normal?
My Christmas pudding costume was absurd. I looked more like the turd emoji. The brown felt hung like a sack around me while on my head was a brown hat with a red felt berry stitched on top of it.
I stepped out of the way as the loo door opened and Eugene emerged in a green and red suit, with a pair of green booties that curled at the toe.
‘Paaahahaha, you look ridiculous!’ I said, reaching to jingle the bell on the top of his pointy hat.
‘Stop it,’ he said, batting me away. ‘What am I supposed to do with these?’ He held out a pair of large plastic ears.
‘Put them on.’
He sighed and stepped in front of the mirror. ‘Rory coming tonight?’
‘Nope, he’s got work.’
Eugene tutted. ‘That’s a pity.’
‘Not really. Would you fancy this?’
He turned to look at me. ‘No. Not even if you were the last Christmas pudding on earth.’
‘Exactly. And also it’s always weird between him and Zach. Easier if they stay apart.’
Eugene tutted again in the mirror as he fiddled with his ears. ‘So stupid. It’s just jealousy.’
‘What’s Rory got to be jealous of? Literally nothing.’
He caught my eye in the mirror.
‘What? He hasn’t! Zach is my boyfriend and Rory’s my colleague. It couldn’t be clearer.’
‘You mean Rory’s your boyfriend and Zach’s your colleague?’
‘Yes,’ I snapped, ‘obviously that’s what I meant.’
‘Knock, knock, can I come in?’ said Zach from outside the bathroom.
‘Course,’ I replied, shooting a warning glance at Eugene.
He opened the door and both Eugene and I burst out laughing. If possible, Zach looked even sillier than us. His face and a couple of stray black curls poked out from a small hole in a white-felt costume that was too short for him. It covered his head and ran down his body, stopping just below his knees so his jeans and Doc Martens stuck out underneath. On his nose was a fake carrot.
‘You guys look great! Hottest Christmas pudding I ever saw.’
‘Thanks,’ I said, blushing before flapping my arms. ‘It’s literally quite hot. Shall we go up?’
He nodded and we headed for the shop floor where the world’s grumpiest Father Christmas was sitting in his chair, one leg over the other while his boot jiggled irritably in the air.
‘Norris!’ said Eugene, ‘I’ve been a very good boy, can I have a present?’
Norris paused and glanced at us and I saw a smile twitch at the corners of his mouth before he erupted with a big belly laugh. ‘Zachary, I don’t know why I allowed you in this place. How’s being dressed like the cast of a pantomime going to help anything?’
‘Less of the defeatism, please, Santa.’ Zach waddled around the shop, his legs restricted by the white felt, checking that everything was in order. Behind the till was an urn, warming the wine. Eugene had laid out glasses and two trays of Lidl mince pies on a table next to it.
‘Sack ready?’ Zach asked Norris. It was propped against his armchair. I’d spent all afternoon wrapping crap presents in tissue paper – small bouncy balls, novelty pencils, plastic yo-yos, dinosaur keyrings and neon putty that looked extremely poisonous.
‘You need to be friendlier than that,’ Zach said, still standing over his uncle. ‘Try a smile.’
Norris raised his upper lip.
‘Not that far. Dial it down a bit. Not so many teeth.’
Parents started arriving with their children and prodded them towards Norris. Eugene and I watched from behind the till, snorting disloyally.
‘Merry Christmas!’ he’d say stiffly to each one. ‘Would you like a present from my sack?’
‘He’s got to stop saying that,’ muttered Eugene. ‘He’ll be arrested.’
The small child looked terrified but, behind them, their pushy parent urged them on as if it was sports day: ‘Come on, Orangina/Archibald/Persimmon! Tell Santa what you want for Christmas!’
Little Orangina would perk up at this point and declare she wanted a real-life unicorn.
‘I’m not sure I have one of those,’ Norris replied, with a chuckle. ‘But why don’t you put your hand in here and see what you can find?’
‘Seriously, I’m going to call the police in a minute,’ hissed Eugene.
I hit him on the arm. ‘Don’t ruin it. This is nice.’
It was better than nice. It was magical. Zach had run white fairy-lights around the shelves and Nat King Cole was burbling from the speakers. The shop glowed through the windows, which encouraged more and more people inside, off the damp pavements.
Having texted me earlier in the week, asking if she could bring ‘a date’, I spied Jaz arriving with Dunc, plus Maya and George. I grinned and waved at them across the crowd but had to stay put because there were so many punters queuing to buy books. I doled out the wine while Eugene put the sales through the till. I quite forgot that I was dressed like a pudding and he shook his head, making a little jingle every time a customer reached for their paper bag.
In another corner, underneath the gardening books, stood some of the NOMAD crew. Seamus had swapped his tatty old overcoat tied with string for a tweed jacket and looked like he’d brushed his hair, a Christmas miracle. Lenka and Mary were sipping nervously at their mulled wine and Elijah was frowning suspiciously at a mince pie. I’d never seen any of them outside our classroom before and felt a swell of pride that I’d brought them together here.
Although really this was all thanks to Mr Snowman. Every now and then I glanced up to see him taking pictures, his camera over his ludicrous plastic nose, and felt grateful. Not just for injecting energy back into the shop but for livening us all up. Even Norris seemed to be enjoying himself, smiling at Zach’s camera less like a murderer.
‘Carol singers are here,’ said Eugene, elbowing me and pointing through the windows at a group of Chelsea Pensioners waiting outside.
‘ZACH!’ I shouted over the throng, before pointing at them.
He carved his way towards the door, his white head bobbing above the others. One by one he shook their hands, then turned back and stood
in the doorway of the shop.
‘EXCUSE ME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Could everyone make way for our carol singers? No, not you, Father Christmas, stay right there. But if everyone else could make space, that would be grand.’
Shoppers, parents and children huddled together. Some sat on the stairs, others were pressed up against the bookshelves. I told a couple of people to lift their kids on the counter so they could see. It was as crammed as the Central Line at 8.01 on a Monday morning, just more festive.
I bent under the till to turn Nat off and poured myself a glass of wine as the Chelsea Pensioners shuffled themselves into a semicircle. One of them was holding a trumpet. There was a brief silence and then they were off, into a warbly rendition of ‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman’.
Then the trumpeter picked up his weapon for a rendition of ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing’. We joined in for the chorus, getting louder every time. And I don’t know whether it was the wine, the music, the old soldiers singing in front of us or my hormones (a combination?), but I suddenly felt almost overwhelmed with emotion. I looked around the shop, from Jaz standing with Dunc on her hip, to the trumpeter parping his way through the last verse, and all my anxieties – about this place, about Rory, about counting and the colour of cars – seemed insignificant. For a brief moment, my head felt more spacious, empty of worry. I filled up my glass again and, looking across the shop, caught Zach’s eye, grinning at him as the geriatrics launched into ‘O Come, All Ye Faithful’.
They finished to loud cheers and calls for an encore. Zach rattled a bucket for donations, which was passed round while they did a final number, ‘Away in a Manger’.
‘Cor, there are a few fifties in here,’ said Eugene, peering into the bucket when it reached the till.
‘It’s for them, not us. Look, put that down and give them these.’ I passed him a tray of glasses steaming with wine. The carollers’ average age must have been ninety-four and I imagined they needed a sugar hit before one of them keeled over. It was a sweetly comical sight – Norris in his Father Christmas outfit drinking with old soldiers while a snowman shuffled around them taking photos.
I watched from the counter as Eugene handed out the drinks, and Zach lowered his camera and pushed his way back towards me.
‘Not bad, huh?’
‘The singing?’
He shook his head and smiled down at me. ‘The whole party.’
I nudged his arm with my shoulder. ‘Yes, OK, OK, well done. Good work.’
‘Well done all of us,’ he said emphatically, putting his arm around my shoulders and pulling me into him. ‘Teamwork.’
I rested against his chest for a second but sprang back again at the sight of Jaz coming through the crowd, hand-in-hand with Dunc.
‘Like your outfit, babe,’ she said, a wide grin spreading across her face. ‘Dunc, look, what’s Auntie Florence wearing?’
He pointed at the berry on my head. ‘Are you meant to be Rudolph?’
I laughed. ‘No, not quite. I’m a Christmas pudding. But good guess. How are you guys doing?’
‘Ace. We had a nice little sing, didn’t we, Dunc?’
He nodded and then looked shyly up at Zach. ‘But I like your snowman outfit best of all.’
Zach laughed. ‘Thanks, buddy.’
‘You want another drink?’ I asked Jaz.
‘Yes, please,’ she said, waggling her empty glass at me.
I topped it up and nodded at George standing across the shop with Maya, talking to Norris. ‘How’s it going?’
Jaz’s entire face erupted in a smile. ‘Oh, Floz, he’s such a sweetheart.’
I glanced at Dunc but he was distracted by Zach, who’d crouched down and was showing him animal pictures on his phone. ‘Have you done it?’ I whispered.
She shook her head. ‘We were supposed to have a date this week but something came up in his office, so I think tonight might be the night. They’re coming back to mine for a sleepover.’
‘What’s he do?’
She shrugged. ‘Something with computers. Actually, talking of sleepovers, can I bring Dunc to the hotel on Saturday morning? I’ll just sit him down with an iPad somewhere while I primp you.’
‘Course. I’m sharing a room with Ruby but Mia’s got the next one so there’ll be loads of space.’
‘Great.’ She had a swig of wine. ‘How’s the mood ahead of the big day?’
‘Mia hasn’t eaten anything apart from apples all week, and Patricia’s emailing us hourly weather updates and shrieking about the rain even though it’s all inside, so, pretty much as expected.’
She lowered her glass. ‘And where’s Rory?’
‘Work. He says he’s got loads to do before this weekend and we’ve got the rehearsal tomorrow afternoon and then drinks, so I get it.’
Jaz raised an eyebrow at me and then caught Dunc’s hand as it snuck towards the mince pie tray on the till. ‘Hold it right there, my friend, that’s enough.’
‘What a GRINCH,’ said Zach, scooping the small boy into the air. He tipped him upside down to loud squeals.
‘Careful, you don’t want sick all over that,’ said Jaz, nodding at Zach’s white costume.
Zach put him down again and Dunc tugged on Jaz’s coat sleeve.
‘Mum, Mum,’ he said. ‘Zach’s showed me photos of his holiday. Can we go to…’ He stopped, stuck on a word.
‘Patagonia,’ said Zach.
‘Can we go there, Mum? Please? They have whales and dolphins and eagles.’
Jaz laughed. ‘Maybe, although it sounds a bit expensive.’ Then she looked at Zach. ‘What holiday is this? You going for Christmas?’
‘An extended holiday. Few months, probably, taking pictures.’
‘Serious? I thought you meant a hotel and a pina colada kind of trip,’ said Jaz, flicking her eyes from Zach to me.
‘No, jetting off with my camera for an adventure at seven o’clock on Saturday.’
‘Can we go, Mum?’ Dunc pleaded.
‘Maybe one day,’ she said, before draining her glass, ‘but right now, we need to go home.’
‘For your sleepover?’ I said, raising my eyebrows at her.
She picked up Dunc’s little hand. ‘Exactly. Come on, let’s go get George and Maya.’
She and Dunc said goodbye to Zach, then she turned to me. ‘See you Saturday morning.’
I nodded and watched as she made her way to George’s side. She put a hand on his back and said something whereupon he nodded and shook hands with Norris, then waved at me.
‘Thank you,’ he mouthed across the shop. He prodded Maya to do the same and then they all left, the last of the punters to go. Jaz winked at me through the shop window as they walked down the street. She looked so happy.
At a shout from the front door – ‘Ho, ho, ho!’ – we all turned to look at Norris, who’d spun the open sign to closed and was grinning at us.
‘Oh, hello, Father Christmas has perked up,’ said Eugene.
‘He has,’ said Norris, pulling off his hat and rubbing his hair so the white tufts stuck up like meringue peaks. ‘And do you know why?’
‘You weren’t arrested for indecency?’
Norris shook his head and clapped his hands together. ‘That man. That man! He’s just saved us.’
‘What man?’
‘That man,’ said Norris, whose face had turned so puce I thought he might explode. I’d never seen him look so cheerful. ‘George something who was here with Florence’s friend.’
‘Spencer?’
Norris nodded. ‘Yes, that’s it, George Spencer. He’s an internet millionaire who founded some shopping site.’
‘What shopping site?’ I shrieked.
He flapped a hand in the air. ‘Don’t ask me. I don’t know anything about these things, as you all know. But he’s offered to pay our lease. Lives round the corner and thinks it’s important that we stay open. Daughter’s a big fan of reading, apparently.’
‘You’re kidding?’ said Zach.
‘He can’t be a millionaire, he looks about eleven years old,’ I added, thinking of George’s smooth face and nerdy spectacles. ‘Jaz just said he works in computers.’
‘Exactly,’ said Norris, still nodding furiously. ‘Some shopping business that Google’s just bought for a fortune and he wants to help us out. It was all thanks to the petition, apparently.’ He bent over to pour himself another drink and raised his glass at me.
I shook my head in disbelief. Jaz was unknowingly dating a tech millionaire, and a modest tech millionaire at that.
We all glanced around one another in stunned silence, before Eugene leapt in the air and whooped, and we all followed suit, our arms over one another’s shoulders. I winced as wine from various glasses spilled to the floorboards but told myself not to ruin the moment.
‘So thank you all very much for all your efforts,’ said Norris, once we’d calmed down. ‘Because it’s worked and I couldn’t… I can’t… I’m not sure I would ha—’ He paused and blinked around at all of us.
‘You all right, Norris?’ asked Eugene.
‘I’m fine,’ he said, clapping himself on the chest and coughing. ‘I’m just ever so grateful.’
‘I can’t get over this,’ said Zach. ‘We need to celebrate. Excuse me, elf,’ he said, shuffling behind the till.
‘What you doing?’ asked Eugene.
Zach pulled his phone from his pocket, plugged it into the lead and the opening bars of Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ tinkled over us.
We drank the urn dry of wine so Norris went downstairs to retrieve a dusty bottle of whiskey from his office. We drank that, too, even though I hated whiskey. I ate six mince pies while we danced around the hardback table to Wham! and Shakin’ Stevens, then more Nat King Cole and Mariah Carey again because it was Eugene’s favourite. If you’d passed the shop and seen a large snowman twirl a Christmas pudding under his arm while an elf moonwalked – very badly – back and forth against the floorboards you might have worried you were hallucinating. It was the perfect evening until I remembered Harry and started collecting up glasses, carrying them downstairs to wash up.
Zach dried while I washed and we hummed ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing’.
The Wish List: Escape with the most hilarious and feel-good read of 2020! Page 30