Outside

by Michelle Mankin

  He put his hand on my shoulder and my eyes burned with the emotion swirling around inside of me. “You tell her that yourself if that’s really what you believe. But I think she deserves to see for herself that you’re ok.”

  “But I’m not ok.” I spit the bitter words out. “I’m never going to be ok, Ash. You know how it is. You’re just like me. Surfing is in our blood. And now I don’t have that anymore.” I crushed the crisp white hospital sheets between my clenched fists. “You talk to her. I can’t. Not right now.” It would weaken in my resolve to do the right thing by her if I looked at her pretty face. “Tell her whatever you have to. Just make her go away. Tell her I reached too high. Tell her she’s too good for me. Just make her go away.”

  “No, Linc. I’m not telling her any of that.” Ash moved toward the door but turned back to look at me and his eyes narrowed. “I’ll tell her you need some more time. That you’ll talk to her soon as soon as you’re feeling like yourself again.”

  Feeling eerily numb I sat on the park bench by the ocean, listening to the roar of the surf and the piercing cry of the seagulls as they passed overhead. But the sun didn’t warm my chilled skin and the sparkling surface of the Pacific didn’t brighten my dark thoughts as I had hoped.

  He’s ok,” I repeated to myself the lie Ash had told me after Linc came out of surgery. I knew the positive words about Linc’s prognosis were meant to placate me but I’d seen the terrible truth in the starkness of Ash’s expression. The doctors weren’t giving any assurances and there weren’t any between Linc and me, either. Not really.

  “Why, Ash?” I had pressed a few moments ago in the doorway of his home. “Why won’t he talk to me?”

  “Give him time to process. Maybe by tomorrow, Simone.” He looked more bleary eyed and tired today than he had the day before. I tried to peer past him into the house desperate to catch even a glimpse of Linc.

  Tears sprang into my eyes as I voiced the horrible thought that had been rambling through my brain ever since the accident. “Does he blame me for what happened?”

  “What?” Ash’s gaze sharpened. “What on earth gave you that idea?”

  I’ve got enough pressure on me.

  “I don’t know.” I wrapped a strand of hair around my finger. “Maybe because he was tired. Maybe he was working too hard and staying too long for my sake.”

  “That’s crazy, Simone.”

  “If it’s crazy then why won’t he talk to me?”

  “Because he’s had a traumatic injury. Because he’s still recuperating and coming to terms with it.”

  “Are you sure that’s all? I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me. I told you how I feel about him. Has he changed his mind about me?”

  “No, baby.” Ash had pulled me into his strong arms and I had wrapped mine around his trim waist clinging desperately to him, not wanting to acknowledge how hollow his denial rang.

  I twisted my hands together in my lap so they wouldn’t shake. Every time I closed my eyes memories of Lincoln flashed through my mind. On the beach. On his board. In his room. On the boat. My heart ached, a happy ending for us becoming more improbable with each passing day. I wished I had a rope to tie my scattered thoughts together so I could make sense of them or a sudden epiphany that would show the way forward.

  I couldn’t stay with Karen forever. I needed her advice but she seemed so happy with Dominic. I didn’t want to wreck that by confessing how bad things had gotten between Linc and me.

  I was tired of everyone walking on eggshells around me as if they all knew something terrible I didn’t.

  I pulled in an unsteady breath. I couldn’t just sit around and keep waiting. It was time to stop thinking and start doing. Linc had worked so hard to try to secure our future. I needed to have the same mindset. I would take that open position at Schooner’s. One good thing about all those years of working at Napoli’s, I certainly had the qualifications.

  Thanks, Dad, I thought with bitter sarcasm. I tried not to think about my mother and the fact she hadn’t even tried to contact me.

  “That’s the last time I’m making excuses and sending her away for you. You’ve been sitting back here in this room avoiding her, avoiding the guys and avoiding going on with your life.” The mattress springs on his bed squeaked as he flopped onto it and dropped his head into his hands. “It’s bad. I get that. But it’s not the end of everything.” He dropped his hands and lifted his gaze. “You’re already walking pretty good. In a couple of months if you continue rehab you could be right back on your board. You have the injury exemption for a year. You could try to qualify again next season.”

  “No.” My voice was gravelly from lack of use but my denial was firm. “You and I both know how competitive the circuit is. If I’m out that long the odds against me qualifying again are astronomical.” My expression was as bleak as my words.

  “Ok,” he admitted his voice low. “You’re probably right. But competitive surfing is not the entire world, even though you’ve lived your life to this point as if it is.” He hit me with a look. “I know why. I understand. Each time my dad brought you back here after your old man laid into you, you made excuses for him. Eye swelled shut. You said you ran into a door. Ribs bruised. You said you fell down the stairs. Until that last time. Do you remember?”

  I nodded wishing I could forget. I had been thirteen but I’d hit my growth spurt early. Thank God since that time he’d come at me wielding a broken beer bottle.

  “You had a competition that weekend. We were all there to see you win it. But there you were. Even after all he did to you. Even after all of the horrible untrue things he said. Up on that podium scanning the crowd looking for him. Still hoping for his approval.

  I looked away. Ash was right. He didn’t miss anything.

  “No matter what you do or don’t do, he’s not going to change, Linc. My family and I, we’re always going to be here for you. You know that right?”

  Eyes burning I looked back at him, swallowing hard and nodded.

  “Right.” His voice sounded thick as if he had a bunch of emotional stuff stuck in his throat, too. “So we just need to rethink things.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I want to give this Morris thing a go. I talked to the guys already. They’re all on board.”

  “What?” I rubbed a hand over my eyes. The pain meds made my thoughts a little foggy. “I’m not following.”

  “Mom and Dad have come around, too.” He leaned forward. “I think in large part because of you. Dad’s going to lend us the van. We’ll have to cover our own expenses. Gas. Food. Lodging. But we’ll split it four ways. It won’t be that bad.” His eyes glittered with excitement. “Why don’t you give it a try? We’re really good together, the four of us. A few weeks of road trippin’ might be just the tonic you need. It’ll get your mind off things and we might have more than just Morris offering us a deal by the end. C’mon, it’ll be an adventure.” He reached across the space that separated our beds and grasped my shoulder. “Hell, it might even turn out to be something big.”

  Sweeping the floor beneath the last table at the end of my shift, I saw him pass by the plate glass windows facing the street. I ducked my chin and spun away my heart thumping hard inside my chest despite the arrow of bittersweet longing that had pierced it all the way through.

  Still so hopelessly in love with him. Even though I hadn’t heard anything but second hand reports about him since the accident.

  The bell jingled a couple of moments later. Shit. I’d forgotten to lock up after the last customer left. I turned but whatever words I had thought to speak died within my throat, the way my hopes had faded without him to nurture them.

  “Mona.” My chest burned hearing him speak the name that only he and Ash used for me.

  “We’re closed.” I turned away. My throat was so tight I could barely swallow.

  I heard his footsteps noticing a little hitch in it as he approached. It hurt me to be reminded of the injury and all that it had cost
us. I desperately wished I could turn back time and undo it. But that wasn’t possible. Instead I whirled around to find him closer than I could bear.

  “I’m sorry. I had to see you. Patch told me that you were working here.” His gaze narrowed lingering on the bruise that wasn’t fading well. If anything the multicolored hue of it made it look worse. I’d been using makeup to hide it but apparently most of that had rubbed off during my double shift.

  “Go away, Lincoln.” His heat and his unique scent shattered my fragile equilibrium in a torrent of memories. The sweet slide of his skin against mine. His smooth caresses on my body. His words that had tempted me to believe in impossible things.

  “I can’t. I wish I could…for your sake, but I can’t.” He touched me. His strong capable fingers felt warm and heavy on my shoulders. A touch at once familiar and forlorn.

  “You have to.” I shrugged away from him, my husky voice betraying my need for him. Why was he here? Why had he only come to see me now?

  “It’s been ten days, Lincoln. Ten days without a single word.” Frustrated tears stung my eyes. “Pardon me if I don’t fall right back into your arms.”

  His eyes were hooded and seemed to swirl with emotions as tumultuous as my own.

  “We don’t have to do this,” I whispered to fill the tense silence while his hands opened and closed as if he were wrestling with himself about something. “We had a good run. It was fun while it lasted.” I backed away from him sticking my hands deep inside my apron pocket so I wouldn’t reach for him, for a last touch. “Mr. Brighton will be back soon to close out the books. I’ve got to finish up here. Goodbye, Lincoln.”

  He blinked rapidly his brilliant blues suddenly sparkling with an intensity that I hadn’t seen since before the accident. I wondered if he had been just going through the motions of living the same way I was. He closed the distance between us and grabbed me by the shoulders, his fingers digging in deep. “I screwed up, Mona. Bad. I felt like my world came crashing down and I was afraid. I lashed out and cut you off when I should’ve pulled you closer. I should’ve been strong like you. I should have shared my burdens and assured you we’d make it through them. I’m so sorry. I have no excuse.” His expression was heartfelt but his voice dropped so low I had to lean in to make out the next words. “It’s just that surfing was my only chance. My one shot to prove I was more than the worthless piece of shit my father always said I was. Plus it was my way to provide for myself…for us.”

  I shook my head denying what my heart wanted to believe his words meant.

  “When I was out on my board the day of the accident, you were all I could think about. All I’ve thought about since I met you really.” His fingers bit into my flesh. “I was going to ask you to marry me, Mona.” His eyes took on a faraway glow. “I didn’t have all the logistics worked out. I just knew I wanted you with me.”

  “Linc.” I reached for him, greedy fingers clinging to his strong arms even as my desperate heart clung to the lifeline his words represented.

  He refocused on me and there was something primal in his gaze, something I responded to because when it came to him my feelings were just as elemental. “Everything’s changed now. I should be unselfish and just let you go. But how can I when every time I close my eyes I fuckin’ see you, touch you, taste you and take you over and over again.” He pressed his forehead to mine. “I can’t do it, Mona. I can’t let you go. Don’t say goodbye. Not yet. Give me one more chance to prove myself to you.”

  “We gotta go,” Ash said. “We can’t wait anymore. We’ve got to be on time for the show tonight in San Clemente.” He slapped my shoulder before moving to the driver’s side of the packed to the gills van. “I’m sorry, man. I know how much you wanted her to come.”

  I nodded once and moved to the passenger side. Just then I saw the car pull up in front of the house. Simone hopped out and leaned in the open window to pull out a green and blue striped backpack from the seat.

  My heart went nuts but I schooled my features to neutral. But that was difficult to do when she was here and looked so hot in cutoffs and a midriff baring light green tank top. She hurried up the driveway toward me hitching the strap of her bag further up her shoulder.

  “You came,” I said lamely, moving to intercept her, sliding the backpack off her shoulder. I threw it at Dominic who protested loudly before tossing it into the back with the instruments and other luggage. The boards were on the roof. Only three of them. I had been trying to avoid thinking about that.

  “Are you surprised?” Her voice was lightly teasing. I wanted to kiss her right then. Desperately.

  “How come Linc gets to bring his girl with him?” Dominic complained.

  “Cuz his said yes when asked, Loser,” Ramon quipped. Apparently Karen had turned down a similar offer from Dominic because she had to get ready for school.

  I took Mona’s hand, my heart stumbling the instant I touched her. So did my stupid feet as my bad leg caught on the uneven pavement. I helped her up onto the front seat then I got in slamming the half wood paneled door a little harder than necessary. I despised my physical infirmity and the emotional insecurity that went along with it.

  My confidence had taken a hit since the accident. I didn’t want her coming along just because she felt sorry for me. The certainty that I had once felt about us had faded into haze.

  Ash’s route for our impromptu tour had us going up the coast all the way, the ocean almost always in view, in case the surf looked good. The path of my relationship with Simone was much more obscure.

  We got up on the Five for a little jog but got off at La Jolla Parkway rolling through hills of pines and expensive houses. Ramon opened a bag of chips and passed around some sodas. Everyone munched noisily until the SDSU campus came into view. The interior of the van fell into an uncomfortable silence. Feeling Simone’s tension, I reached for her hand and squeezed it.

  My stomach roiled as chaotically as the surface of the ocean had on the day that changed everything.

  I should have told her I was sorry for all she had given up. I should have said that I understood her loss. But Ash broke the tension with a loud belch and of course Patch had to one up him.

  The awkward moment passed.

  But I wondered if the feeling that I represented a consolation prize to her forfeited college dreams ever would.

  After a brief bathroom break at the beach facilities at Torrey Pines State Park we entered the historic 101 with its charming string of beachside communities. Solana. Cardiff by the Sea. Encinitas. Carlsbad with its arch and Oceanside with its patriotic banners. Then a really long section away from the ocean through Camp Pendleton’s undulating hills where Patch had lived for a long time when his dad had been a staff sergeant.

  Finally we reached San Clemente with its iconic red roofed white washed buildings spilling down the hillside to the Pacific. Even though the trip had taken longer than we had anticipated we still made it to the rooftop club in the postage stamp downtown in plenty of time. Patch and Ash went inside the building to finalize the financial arrangements with the club’s owner and Ramon took off mumbling something about printing off handbills for the show. I turned to Simone and proposed that we find something to eat.

  She agreed. We took the downhill path from the public parking lot, her stride graceful while I struggled not to limp. We passed consciously by the surf shop peering inside the other window displays but nothing caught her eye. I resisted the urge to take her hand. I wasn’t sure if she would allow it.

  We found a burger joint at the end of the block. I needed to rest my leg. It was just about to give out.

  “Will this do for dinner?” I asked. The wind had blown her hair into her face. I wanted to brush the satiny locks over her shoulder so I could see her lovely features better.

  “Sure. It’s perfect.” I put my hand on her arm and curled my fingers into her soft skin trying not to think about how all the rest of her might feel as I escorted her to the counter. I gave several in
terested guys looking her way the proprietary glare while she perused the chalkboard menu.

  We both ordered malts and burgers hers with extra jalapenos. I located an empty booth in the back and steered her toward it. She scooted in moving to make space for me on her side, peering up at me expectantly. No way was I going to pass up the invitation to sit beside her again, my thigh touching hers like it had on the drive from OB.

  I folded in and she touched my thigh seeming hesitant. “Why don’t you put your leg up on the bench on the other side?” Obviously she was nervous about my response to her suggestion. “If you want to, that is…I mean…it’s got to hurt, right?”

  Yeah, she had probably noticed my grimacing and was feeling sorry for me. Thus the invitation to sit on her side. Hot bitterness churned in my gut. Who the hell was I anymore? What good was I to her? And how long could we go on pretending that things hadn’t changed?”

  When our food arrived, I took a couple of bites but mainly just moved my food around. I had lost my appetite. I noticed she had, too.

  “Mona, you should eat more.” I touched her hand. She looked down at where my hand rested on hers and covered my fingers with her own before looking up at me.

  “So should you, Linc.” Hope unfurled inside me like a ray of light breaking through the clouds. I didn’t fail to notice this was the first time she’d called me that since I had screwed everything up for us.

  “Fair enough.” The knot in my gut loosened. She was cute as hell being stubborn on my behalf and I so liked my hands folded in hers. I pointed to her plate with my chin. “You eat half of yours and I’ll do the same. Deal?”

  She nodded. I slid out my hands and we both began to eat in earnest. As I finished a bite I worked up the nerve to ask something that had been bothering me. “What did your mom say when you told her you were leaving with us?”

  She tensed. “I didn’t tell her. I haven’t spoken to her since…” She trailed off and I filled in. “Since your old man clocked you?”