Outside

by Michelle Mankin

  She dumped her half eaten burger in her basket and nodded.

  “You haven’t had any contact with her at all?” I pressed.

  “No I haven’t.” She dipped her chin, her hair sliding forward shielding her face. “Why should I? She was there, too. You saw her. She didn’t do anything.”

  She was right. At least with my dad it was pretty straightforward, just him being a drunken asshole loser and me. She’d been betrayed by two parents.

  “I’m sorry, Simone.” I located her clenched fist in her lap and brought it to my lips brushing a kiss across her delicate knuckles, keeping her hand in mine and forcing her fingers open so I could thread our fingers together. She didn’t lift her head for a long moment. She seemed to be staring at our hands again. When she finally looked at me her eyes were brimming.

  “Where do we stand, Mona?” I found myself asking though I feared the answer. “I love you, but I’ve ruined everything for us, haven’t I?”

  She pulled in a sharp breath.

  To work up the courage to tell the truth or to formulate a lie, I wondered.

  “I love you, too, Linc.” Her eyes were steady on mine but she blinked a couple of times as though something had gotten caught in her eyes.

  I knew she was waiting for me to say something in return. I should have. I so wanted to believe her but I couldn’t. Not really. In life and surfing timing is everything. Those beautiful words came too late to control the current that was already carrying her away from me.

  Later at the motel after the Dirt Dogs inaugural road performance, I was the last one to get the shower. I washed my hair using the dregs of the complimentary shampoo provided by the single room that the five of us shared and reflected on the evening.

  The show had been a rousing success. The band had been tight. The guys had obviously been practicing a lot before leaving OB. But Lincoln had stolen the show sitting with a hip hitched on a stool crooning into the mic, his effortless charm winning over the standing room only crowd. The flirty half smiles and winks he cast made the women in it go crazy.

  I had stood off stage in the shadows nursing a diet coke throughout the hour and a half long set. I had to be careful with my funds. Though he’d invited me, though I’d come, there had been no talk about the future and after his silence at dinner when I’d made my feelings clear I was more uncertain than ever that his future would include me at all.

  Stepping out of the shower onto the sodden bathmat, I dried off and slipped on my pajama set, a new one with ties on each shoulder and ruffles on the short hem. I’d never gone back to my house. The few clothes I had now were either hand me downs from Karen or those I had purchased from the clearance rack at Walmart.

  When I left the bathroom, switching off the light behind me, the room was nearly pitch black. Someone was already snoring softly. A swath of light from the crack in the curtain pointed the way to the pallet I had made on the floor. The guys had been so hyped up rehashing the highlights of the show and counting the two hundred dollars they’d cleared that they almost completely forgot me.

  I glanced at the dark lumps in the double beds. Patch and Ramon occupied the one by the bathroom. Ash and Linc were on the other, but I couldn’t tell which side Linc was sleeping on. If I could have I might have said something to him, might have put myself out there, touched his strong shoulder, whispered in his ear and maybe even invited him to join me on the floor.

  Feeling alone, I bit my lip to hold back the sting of tears. This wasn’t at all how I had imagined things would be. I moved toward the window and peeked out through the slit in the curtains at the ocean and the moonlight sparkling on its surface. I heard someone stirring beside me.

  “Mona.” Warm hands squeezed my shoulders. Firm lips pressed a kiss to my temple. “Come to the beach with me.”

  His statement came off more like a question.

  I nodded my agreement. Linc reached for my hand shifting a blanket into the other one as he led me toward the door sliding a key card into the pocket of his cargo shorts along the way.

  I wrapped my arms around his waist. He wasn’t wearing a shirt and his skin was deliciously warm in contrast to the cool night air. We tiptoed across the parking lot together. Ash had mentioned that our route would take up the scenic coast all the way to San Francisco and that the motels he had booked were all within walking distance of the ocean.

  The guys might be testing out this rocker thing but they were still surfers at heart…especially Lincoln. My heart had squeezed painfully when I had noticed his board missing from the roof of the van.

  I sighed as soon as the bottom of my feet touched the soft sand and I snuggled tighter into Lincoln’s side pulling in deep breaths of ocean and him, the first easy breaths I had managed since we had parted ways after dinner.

  He spread out the blanket between two dunes that provided a modicum of privacy shielding us from view. I immediately plopped down brushing off my feet before scooting to the middle, my gaze to the ocean as I pulled my knees to my chest and rested my chin on them.

  “Babe,” he called softly as he dropped down beside me. “I’m sorry for the way I acted earlier, all evening really.” He sighed and ran a hand through his mop of hair. “This is really tough for me, finding who I am again, who I want to be for myself and for you. It’s harder than I thought it would be finding my footing. Pun intended.” He chuckled wryly. Surfers were very particular about foot placement on their boards, but even in the moonlight I could see that the laughter didn’t reach his eyes.

  “I understand, Linc. Really.” I swiveled to more fully face him touching his bristly cheek, running my fingers reverentially over the masculine planes of his face, stopping at his lips as he stared into my eyes. “It’s hard for me, too for a lot of reasons. But please can we work through things together? It hurts when you shut me out.”

  “I’m sorry, Simone. My sweet Simone.” He leaned closer his breath warm on my lips before he touched his to mine. I nearly shuddered from the ecstasy of having his mouth on mine once more. It had been too long. My hands plunged into the thick strands of his hair and wrapped around the base of his skull to bring him more fully into me, telling him, begging him to deepen the kiss.

  His strong hands on my nearly bare shoulders, he pushed me back onto the blanket granting my request, slanting his mouth over mine, licking the seam between my lips, slipping his tongue between and sliding it seductively along mine. Arousal bloomed immediately, hot, heavy and undeniable.

  When he lifted his head several long breathtaking moments later, my lips felt deliciously sensitive and swollen. “Don’t stop.” My fingers tightened on the taut muscles of his shoulders.

  “Not planning on it, babe. I just didn’t plan on this. Not really. I hoped. God I hoped, but I didn’t bring protection.” His blue eyes glowed with regret in the moonlight.

  “It’s ok.” I reached up and skimmed my fingertips across his gorgeous sculpted lips, silky soft but firm, the full bottom one still wet from our kiss and dipped my forefinger into the masculine v of the top one. “I’m on the pill.”

  “And I’m clean.” His gaze brightened. “Totally. They ran ever single test known to man at the hospital. I even had a tetanus booster. His gaze dipped to my mouth, his lips following, he brushed them firmly over mine. Once and I sighed. Twice and my lips parted. On the third I met him halfway taking his tongue while my fingers greedily glided over the contours I had been dreaming of exploring. The strong lines of his wide shoulders. The corded biceps. The wall of his solid chest. I dreamed no longer.

  He inhaled sharply when my fingers skimmed over his flat nipples. Everywhere I went his warm flesh seemed to leap to my command. “Enough.” His breath coming out in rapid bursts he leaned his forehead into me. “Enough, Simone. Lay back,” he ordered and I smiled hearing the confidence in his cocky tone.

  “Ok.” I shimmied purposefully, my breasts bouncing as I leaned back on my elbows.

  “You’re so beautiful.” Walking on his knees he
opened my legs and moved between them, kneeling reverentially before me. My chest and throat grew tight just from looking at him.

  He reached for the ties on my top undoing them slowly his eyes growing heavy lidded as he slid the cotton covering off my breasts. “My goddess,” he breathed as he traced them. I arched my back off the blanket to bring them more fully into his skilled hands. Warm thumbs flicked and plucked the aching tips. My pulse pounded through my veins and restless desire pooled hot between my thighs.

  His gaze darkening even more, he dropped one hand placing it low and purposefully over my center resting it there while he watched me. The message was clear though unspoken. I knew he needed to hear the words from me, words I had withheld that night that seemed so long ago.

  “Yes,” I whispered. “Make love to me. Yes I love you.” I reached for him bringing his face to mine. His lips scalded me in their fervor like an answering brand, each stroke of his hot tongue claiming me as his own.

  His cargo shorts came off with just the quick downward rasp of his lowered zipper. He was gloriously naked and aroused beneath them. When I touched him velvety crown to base he groaned and the low purely masculine sound sent a heat rush of desire through me so strong that it dampened my inner thighs.

  Lips hard on mine, fingers frantic to remove all the barriers that separated my heated skin from his, he ripped my shorts down my legs and his mouth briefly lifted from mine to do the same with my top. He tossed it aside as soon as he had it over my head. Then his hungry mouth was back devouring my neck, sucking my nipples deep, tongue swirling my navel while I writhed beneath him skimming my hands over the width of his shoulders, dipping them into his spine and finally grabbing his sexy ass. His skin was slick with passion. So was mine.

  “Linc,” I praised. “Linc. I love you.” I pressed soft kisses to his flesh everywhere my mouth could reach. Inside my head I chanted the same refrain over and over. Don’t leave me. Don’t ever leave me.

  “Mona.” His eyes black with desire, he eased back on one arm his muscles taut and brought my hand to his cock so we could stroke its hard length together. So hot. Especially with his eyes locked on mine so I could see the pleasure in them and he could see the same in mine. He groaned approvingly then took my hand and brought it to his lips placing a hot open mouthed kiss in the center of my palm.

  Before I could recover from that sweet gesture, he lifted my arms and trapped both of my hands above my head. Slowly he moved into position. Slowly inch by delicious hot inch he slid inside my slick heat. Slowly he started to stroke inside me.

  Deeper and deeper. Higher and higher my passion spiraled. Closer and closer I got, we both got, to the crest of the wave.

  “Mona,” he groaned.

  “Linc,” I moaned lifting my hips to meet each hard thrust, desperate to take him with me to the top and then I was there. The summit. The consuming heat. The perfect ecstasy. I shook with the sheer dark pleasure of it. The joy prolonged as he shuddered his release within me filling me with his essence as I pulled him even deeper into me until he collapsed heavily on me whispering my name one final time.

  Standing behind her I helped her retie the straps on her pajama top, fingers lingering on her soft skin. Something tightened beneath my rib cage when I realized she didn’t smell the way she usually did. No more sweet gardenia scented lotion. She’d left it all behind along with her clothes, college and everything else. For what? For me. The guy with the messed up leg and a messed up future dragging her into who knew what because he was still too selfish to let her go. I didn’t want to ever let her go.

  I lifted my glistening gaze to the ocean breeze avoiding her eyes as I shook out and refolded the blanket.

  I wanted her again even though I had just had her.

  Would this need for her ever lessen?

  She bumped my shoulder as we started back toward the motel. I was so busy staring at her that I failed to register the extra set of large footprints in the sand or the faint scent of cigarette smoke lingering in the air. I was completely unaware of his presence until he was suddenly right there in front of me.

  “Ash!” Mona exclaimed hand to her throat looking back at the dunes where we had just made passionate love to each other moments earlier. “I didn’t see you.” Why hadn’t either one of us seen him? “How long have you been standing there?” I very much wanted to know the answer to that question as well.

  “A while.” Ash flicked the cigarette he’d been smoking aside and lifted his chin. “The door’s open. Why don’t you go on inside, Mona? I wanna have a word with my cousin.”

  Uncertain she looked to me. “It’s ok. I’ll be inside in a minute,” I reassured her leaning in to brush her sweet lips and then watching her sexy hips sway as she moved away before turning back to Ash.

  “What the hell, Ash? Were you watching us?”

  “You’re not very discrete.” His jaw hardening he reached inside his half buttoned shorts, pulled out a crumpled pack of cigarettes, withdrew another smoke and offered me one. I refused it.

  “And since when did you start smoking?” I added waving away the puff of smoke that drifted into my face.

  “There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me, dude,” he stated enigmatically. “But back to Simone.”

  “Yeah. What about her? If you have a problem with her being here you should have told me upfront,” I guessed.

  “That’s not it at all. Where else is she gonna go?” His gaze narrowed. “You do realize she gave up everything for you.”

  I nodded once. Yeah I realized that alright. It was practically all I thought about. How could I ever even out the tally so heavily weighted on her side?

  “And so you’re back together now? She’s giving you another chance?

  “Yeah.” Not that I deserved it. “What’s your point? What’s got you in such a confrontational mood?” I asked.

  “You.” He poked me in the chest hard enough to hurt. “You didn’t see her at the hospital and then at our house after that. Dammit, Linc. She’s totally gone for you and she’s one of the sweetest girls I’ve ever known. You can’t keep jerking her around.” Was Ash in love with her, too? It certainly seemed that way. “You almost broke her once. You step out of line with her again and I’m telling you right now, cousin or no, I’m not covering for you.” He took a long drag from the half smoked cigarette and his tone though still angry seemed more reflective when he continued. “You’re a smart guy, Linc but a lot of the time you have your head up your ass and don’t see what’s standing right in front of you. Open your eyes. Get your shit together. You love her. Be the type of guy she needs you to be. I’m not asking you, I’m telling you.”

  Ash’s words ringing in my ears, I climbed back into bed and insisted Simone join me there. Grumpy Ash could sleep on the floor if he came back inside. Even though my leg throbbed I was exhausted and immediately fell into a hard sleep, until Dominic tossed a cold glass of water on me jarring me awake.

  “What the hell?” I sputtered clearing the water from my eyes and noted immediately that the bed was empty on Simone’s side. “What time is it?”

  “Frickin’ noon, man.” He threw a McDonald’s takeaway sack on the bed answering the question before I could ask it. “She’s out on the beach with Ash taking a bunch of pictures to chronicle the tour.”

  My stomach grumbled and I dug into the bag even as my brow creased in confusion.

  “He thinks she needs something to do, to feel useful, part of the band so to speak.” He ticked off on his fingers. “Ash is on logistics. Ramon’s our PR man. You’re a lazy piece of shit.” He grinned. “And I’ve got transportation covered. Got the van gassed and rinsed the undercarriage so the fan will cool the engine more efficiently.”

  “Fair enough.” I finished the egg, sausage and cheese biscuit and cracked open the orange juice.

  “We’re all packed up, too. Ash says you’ve got fifteen minutes to shower before they kick us out.” I raised a brow. Ash was getting awfully bossy.
“Some girl from the local radio station saw us at the club last night. Called Ramon. Told him she wants to do a live interview. Seemed particularly interested in you.”

  “That’s cool.” I’d done interviews before on the surfing circuit so I wasn’t nervous or anything. Mostly just stoked. This had to be good for the band. I drained the juice and climbed out of bed heading to the shower.

  “Linc,” Dominic called before I shut the door.

  “Yeah?”

  “Listen.” He rubbed a hand over his short black hair. “This isn’t my place but Simone is Karen’s friend and well…I like her a lot, too. We all do.” Fuck. Was everyone half in love with her and going to ride my case? “She told Karen a lot of shit about the way she feels about you.” My stomach clenched. “My dad says there’s a good woman behind every good man. I know she’s been through a lot, so have you. Seriously, just don’t tool her around, alright?”

  We listened to the broadcast Linc and Ramon had taped on KLOS during our short hour drive on the Pacific Coast Highway. The Rock of Southern California’s segment had been picked up and rebroadcast on the Newport Beach station and several others in the surrounding area apparently. The evidence that it had been heard was currently all around me in the red brick wall to wall, completely packed, sold out historic club located in an alley off of McFadden Square. All three dramatic sprawling levels of the Blue Beet were filled from the ground floor where the band was set up, to the rooftop bar with a romantic view of the ocean.

  And it was only our second stop.

  “My sister’s best friend said she caught their show in San Clemente.” Club lights flashing in her short brunette hair the woman swaying to the recorded music beside me in the high heels and fishnet stockings swirled the straw in her tumbler before adding, “She also said the lead singer is smoking hot.”

  That he was for sure. I tried not to let it bother me that they were talking about my boyfriend with me standing right there sipping on my diet coke. Listening.