by Becca Ann
“Are you okay?”
Like diving into a warm shower, the tension washes off of us, out of the room, and I pull her to me. My lips press all over her face, while she does the same to me.
“I’m sorry—” I start to say, before she cuts my mouth off, and I kiss her back because I don’t need to say anything. Instead, I push everything that’s screwing me up into our kiss, and only half of me wonders if I’m hurting her with how forceful I’m being. But she lets out a gasp and a moan, and I stop worrying about it and whip her around, pressing myself against her body and the wall.
My lips move from hers to calm myself down, but I end up dragging them along her jaw, down her sexy as hell collarbone. She starts gasping praises to God Almighty, and it turns me on to the point I’m not sure if I’ll be able to stop, even if I know it’s the right thing to do.
My mouth stops right above her cleavage. I pause there, not moving, hoping to calm the hell down, but her hands slide down the back of my neck and tug the collar of my undershirt. The fact she wants it off makes my lips hungry for her skin. I need it. I need to keep kissing and touching and sucking and biting. And it’s not until she yanks on my shirt so hard, saying, “Ryan, please,” that I break away long enough for her to whip it over my head.
Then without thinking about it, I grab hers too, lifting it enough to run my hands over her stomach. She lets out a whimper, and my mind zaps to how she would sound if I were to bring her to the highest pleasure possible.
Her palms press against my chest, and she shoves me with more force than I ever thought that tiny, sexy body was capable of. I land ass backwards on the bed, the pajama bottoms I’m wearing doing nothing to hide how much I like this.
She jumps on top of me, causing a grunt to pop out my lips before she giggles and kisses me again. Her fingers twine with mine and pull my hand to her side, right under her armpit and cupping the side of her breast. She smiles and bites my lip, and I take my cue to rub and caress that breast till she knocks my hand out of the way.
I’ve been in this territory before, so it’s nothing new, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make my chest spark and my blood pump downward and the heat run through my body so much I think we’ll set the bed on fire.
A few minutes. I’ll stop us in a few minutes. I’ll try to be smooth about it. I’ll do it in a way she’ll know I love her and I want her, but it’s just not right, right now. I pull my hand from her shirt because I can’t keep doing that or I’m going to bury myself in her and take out all my stress in the most selfish way.
She springs up, kneeling next to me on the mattress, biting her lip, twisting her ring, and giving me a look with her big pupils that tells me she wants to do something, but she’s not sure if she should.
I run my fingers up to her cheek, over the now-small bump on her eye, giving her a half-smile. I’m ready to pull her down next to me and hold her. Take those dreams away, and we can spend the rest of this night without any more crap.
But before I can, she shocks the hell out of me by twisting her hands in the hem of her tank top and whipping it over her head so fast I’m sure it was because she didn’t want to change her mind.
There’s no bra under that shirt. So I’m pretty sure the look on my face screams exactly what I’m thinking. And my woody says it too.
A flush goes up through her neck, turning those round, amazing, sexy, beautiful… holy shit! I’m finally seeing Lex’s perfect breasts. They’re a little pink from the blush creeping through her entire body. While her skin fills with blood, all my blood supply continues to shoot somewhere else, making my head go fuzzy.
She lies back down, pressing those bare breasts against my skin. It takes every single bit of me not to push her back up to a sitting position so I can gaze at them some more.
But she takes my hand in hers, which is shaking now, and settles my fingers on her.
“Ryan?”
Her voice is shaking too, and I’m afraid if I use mine it’ll come out in a high pitched croak. So I just turn my head so I can look at her.
“I love you.” She asks the question with her eyes. The one I know is on the tip of her tongue, and the one I still can’t say yes to. Not yet, damn it. I’m losing all sense of controlled man, which I’m not sure I had much to begin with.
But the “I love you”… It’s like slamming into a brick wall. I love her, too. I love her so damn much I can’t think straight. I want to do this right. I need it right for her, for me, for us. I try to push out of my head without her help. I dive into my thoughts, hoping to cut all the ties that connect my brother, my dad, my mom… but I can’t. It makes me so angry, red dots form in front of my vision. I push my face into the mattress, trying to breathe, wanting Lex to understand I’m not trying to reject her, but I have no idea how to do that.
I did it again, and I didn’t even realize. I ran in here because I was pissed. Because I was upset, worried, terrified I was losing her, and Brett made things worse. I kissed her because I needed a release. I kissed her and touched her because I’m a damn jackass who wanted to get out all his anger by using his girlfriend.
“Ryan?”
I shake my head and muffle into the sheets. “Lex, I’m sorry, but… can you put your shirt on?”
I don’t even have to look at her to know what expression she’s wearing, and it tears my heart up.
“A-are you serious?”
Nodding into the mattress, I grapple behind me for the material. When I find it, I slide it up over her knee. “Please… I… I need to talk to you about this.”
Her soft fingers trace over my hand as she grabs the shirt from me. After a couple seconds, I feel her lie next to me, leg twined with mine as she prods me to look at her.
She’s so beautiful, and I can see all the concern in her expression, etched with disappointment and fear. I hate that I’m responsible for it, but I have to explain… any way I can.
“I love you,” I breathe, wiping her hair from her face, wrapping my hand around her head. “I want to make love to you, but not like this. My head won’t stop, and I’m angry all the time. That’s not fair to you.”
Her eyes flick down. “Maybe it’ll help. I could help. I want to do that for you.”
I shake my head. Does she not get she deserves so much more than that? “It can’t be why we’re doing it, Lex.”
She’s quiet, and I kiss her forehead, begging her with the pressure of my lips to understand. To give me time to put my head back on.
After a few minutes, she shifts, leaning around me and turning off the light. I don’t know if we’re good, or if she’s upset, or if she’s simply tired, and it rubs me raw that I can’t read her. I can always read her.
“Goodnight, Ry,” she says softly before kissing my lips and snuggling into my arms. It seems like we’re okay, but it doesn’t really feel that way.
I don’t want to argue anymore though. So I hold onto her and drift off, praying in the morning she’ll still be curled into me.
Chapter 18
Lexie
Ryan is like dead weight with his arm draped over me, and once his breath is heavy against my ear, I know he’s sleeping. I wipe the tears from my cheeks and very slowly remove myself from his hold.
Once I’m out of the bed, I stop and watch the rise and fall of his back, the way his hair is taking on the form of sexy bed head, the relaxed features of his face that I only ever see when he’s sleeping lately. I just stare. Seeing every reason why I love him and wondering what it is about me that turns him off.
He says it’s not me, but I don’t believe that.
After the ski trip when I finally came to my senses and realized what was right in front of me the whole time, he told me he knew all along. He had been in love with me for years. So why is it that now I’m throwing myself at him he does everything in his power to push me away?
My whole life I’ve known what it’s like to crave love from someone who was incapable of returning it. But Ryan was always the one to
make up for my misfortunes. I never thought in a million years he’d become the person who couldn’t love me back.
I tiptoe around the bed to my hoodie and pull it on my head. Then I remember I’m not home and grab my bra, slide it under the sweatshirt and hook it back into place.
I’m taking a huge risk right now, but I need advice. I slip out of our room and without even knocking, shocked the door isn’t locked, I slip into Kaylee and Nate’s room. Nate is snoring and relief washes over me.
If I walked in on them having…well let’s just be happy I didn’t. I wasn’t thinking. My mind is such a jumbled mess and all I need right now is my bestie. Very quietly, I walk to Kaylee’s side of the bed and shake her shoulder.
Her eyes pop open and concern streaks her face. “Lex, what’s wrong?”
I go to tell her I need to talk, but instead the tears pour out like an unexpected storm. Her feet swing off the bed. She marches over to the light switch, and flips it on. She stomps back over to Nate and shakes him violently.
He wakes up grabbing a magic wand from the nightstand ready to attack. How much harm he’d actually be able to do with that thing, I’m not sure. And if I wasn’t so lost in my misery, I would’ve laughed.
“Sweetie, wake up,” Kaylee says and Nate sits up. “Out please.” She kisses him on the cheek then points to the door.
He glances around the room, and when his eyes settle on me, he gives me a knowing look, grabs his pillow, kisses Kaylee on the head, and turns toward the door without a single word.
He knows the drill.
“Nate?” I say.
He stops and turns back eyebrows pointing to the slope of his nose.
“I don’t want Ryan to know I’m in here.”
Nate lets out a sigh. I know what I’m asking. Breaking bro code is unheard of. And I’m asking him to do just that. It’s not that I’m asking him to lie, but I am asking him to withhold information and that’s grounds for violating the unspoken contract.
I lock eyes with him and send out a silent plea.
“No problem, Lexie. It’s between us.”
Tears fill my eyes, but I smile through them to show my appreciation. I nod a thank you, and he slips out into the dark hallway.
Kaylee shuts the door then practically swan dives at me, throwing her arms around my neck. “Bestie, what’s the matter? Is it Ry? Do I need to beat him up?”
“Maybe,” I say and attempt a laugh, but it only makes me cry more.
“You just let it all out.” She pats my head and cradles me like a child.
“He doesn’t want to have sex with me,” I blurt.
Kaylee leans back, eyebrow arched.
“It’s true. He said some bullshit about having all this stuff going on that’s making him angry and it’s not fair to me. But I know it’s just an excuse. He’s not attracted to me like that. I don’t know. Maybe he still sees me as his best friend and not his girlfriend.”
“That’s crazy talk. Ryan is head over heels in love with you. Always has been.”
“Then why won’t he touch me?”
“Maybe he doesn’t think you’re ready.”
“I ripped my shirt off. The girls were hanging out there.”
Kaylee’s eyes double in size. “And what did he do?”
I look at my ‘My Pointe Exactly’ polish, then back at Kaylee. “He told me to put my shirt back on.”
Her nose crinkles. “Are you sure? Maybe he said ‘bring it on.’”
“It was crystal clear.”
“Then maybe he’s telling you the truth. Was he purple? Rubbing his neck? Or whatever his tell is. I can never remember.”
I think back to that moment. When he looked into my eyes and turned me down ever so gently. I remember the look in his gaze. Nothing but sincerity.
I shrug.
“See. You’re worrying for no reason. You’re beautiful and that boy loves you. It’ll happen. You just want to wait for the right moment so it’s special. Something you look back on with happy thoughts. Like my first time.”
“Nate killed your gerbil, and then you had sex. How is that a happy thought?”
“That’s only a very small part of it.” Kaylee brushes her pigtail over her shoulder and turns to face me. “Remember how he used to write me those love notes and stick them in my locker only I didn’t know it was him?”
“Yeah and it took you forever to catch him in the act.”
“What can I say? He’s a good magician.” She pauses, picking at her ‘Sweet Memories’ toe polish. “Little did I know he was revealing his identity in the very note I caught him with.”
“What? You didn’t tell me that.”
“It was something special between the two of us. And since I have such a big mouth with everything else, I decided I wanted to keep it between me and him.”
“So what did it say?” I ask and her eyes grow huge with excitement. She shakes her butt into the mattress and a huge smile spreads across her face. Then when I expect her to spill she jumps up and goes to her purse hanging on the door knob.
She pulls out a crinkled piece of paper and hands it to me. Unable to control my impatience, I unfold the note while Kaylee continues with the story.
“After the Mr. Pippi incident, he kept apologizing and trying to talk to me, but I was too upset to even look at him. I blew him off every time. And then suddenly those notes started reappearing at my locker again, and I got suspicious so after gym, instead of showering—don’t give me that look, this is important—I bolted to my locker and there he was, looking all sexy in that fedora I got him. I wanted to hate him, but I couldn’t. He looked so sad, and I hated that. I don’t like to see anyone I care about sad.”
Tears build in my eyes as I get to the end of the note. I blink them away and look back at Kaylee.
“I walked up to him and asked what he was doing there. He took his fedora off, did this trick and a note appeared. He begged me to take it, and I couldn’t say no to those puppy dog eyes.
Kaylee nods to the note, but I don’t even have to read it, she cites it word for word without ever looking at the paper.
Kaylee Elizabeth Sperling you are the rabbit to my hat, and I love you.” Kaylee finishes. A smile tugs at my lips as I set the note back on the bed.
“And that was our moment, Lex. I forgave him and then our make-out session led us to my bedroom—”
I held my hand up. “I don’t need the dirty details.”
“There was nothing dirty about it. That time at least,” she says with a wink, and I hit her with a pillow.
“Look Lex. You and Ryan have been through so much already. More than anyone our age should have to deal with. I’m sure Ryan doesn’t want to taint your relationship in anyway. It’s the best thing you two have. Other than me and Nate of course.” She smiles big before continuing. “So I’m sure he’s just waiting for the perfect moment. It has nothing to do with you. That boy is crazy for you. Always has been. For longer than you actually know.”
My eyebrow cocks, and by the look on her face I know she let something slip she shouldn’t have.
“Kaylee?” She twirled her pigtail around her finger and looked everywhere, but at me. “Speak.”
“Fine, but I’m swearing you to secrecy!” She stuck her pinky out, and I rolled my eyes, but I knew I had no choice. I looped my pinky with hers and kissed my fist. “I know Ry told you that he’s had a thing for you for a long time.”
“He did.”
“According to Nate, it stems all the way back to third grade. He has loved you for almost a decade. He’s a master at waiting and self-restraint. So don’t think it’s you. It’s not. It’ll happen. You just have to wait for your moment.”
“Thanks, bestie.” I hug Kaylee and get up from the bed.
“You’re okay?” she asks.
“I think I will be.”
I open the door and Kaylee says, “Can you tell Nate I’m waiting for him. All this talk about sex.”
“Oh. My. God!” I
whisper scream.
“I’m kidding. But really can you tell him to come back to bed.”
“Sure.”
I tiptoe into the hallway and kick something solid on the floor. Nate rolls over rubbing his head. “I’m so sorry. Why are you sleeping in the hallway?”
“You said you didn’t want Ryan to know you were in my room and the spare room is on the other side of the house. And…Well, I don’t like being that far away from Kaylee.”
I smile. He’s more than a good guy. “Thank you. You can go back in now.”
He grabs his pillow, stops, leans in and kisses my forehead. “You’re welcome. And I may not be as good with the girl talk as Kaylee, but Ryan loves you. Cut him a little slack even if he’s being a jerk.”
“Thanks, Nate.”
He nods and drudges towards their bedroom. Before he gets in the door, Kaylee bounces up and wraps her legs around him. Nate comes to life, wrapping his arms around her waist. The door shuts, but it doesn’t keep the giggles inside, and I know Kaylee wasn’t kidding. At least someone is getting it on.
I very slowly open the door and walk back into our room. I sit on the bed doing my best not to make a noise. But as soon as I stretch, and my weight shifts, Ryan moves towards me.
His arm loops over my stomach and tugs me close. He always senses me. He could be dead to the world, but as soon as I lie down next to him, he knows, moving close to me like attracting magnets.
I curl up into him and tuck his arm tighter around me. His lips brush against my ear. “I love you.”
I was an idiot to think he didn’t. And after what Kaylee said… he’s always loved me. Now if I could just get in his head and fix whatever it is that is holding him back, keeping him from being with me completely.
I don’t want to wait anymore. I want all of him. If a moment is what he wants, then a moment is what he’ll get.
Chapter 19
Ryan
The sun sinks into my back, and I can feel my skin darken by the second. I’m one of those lucky guys who rarely burns, but I’m kicking my ass for not remembering sunscreen today. And I’d run up to the house for some, but Kaylee and Lex said I’m not allowed near it. They won’t tell me why either. So Nate and I—and Brett, but I’m pretending he’s not here—are out on the beach boiling our butts off.