There was a bustling of movement on screen and Mech was shoved into shot beside the commander. A pointy-looking blaster weapon jammed against the back of his head.
“No matter,” the Symmorium said. “We have your mechanoid and our weapons are now fully functional. Prepare to be destroyed, pirate.”
“I ain’t no mechanoid, I’m a cyborg, shizznod!” Mech said. “Cy-borg.”
Cal tapped two fingers to his forehead in salute. “Hey Meck. Back to your old self, I see.”
“I’m gonna kill you for this,” Mech warned, eyeballing Cal through the screen. “This whole plan of yours? It’s crazy. How did you get me to agree to this?”
Cal shrugged. “You seemed to think the odds weren’t too bad,” he said. “Or, you know, better than sitting here waiting for them to shoot us, anyway.”
“Enough!” said the commander, snapping his teeth together. “Fire at will.”
Through the speakers, Cal heard the low whine of a weapon preparing to fire. “Come on,” he whispered. “Come on, come on, come on.”
Behind the commander, the lights dimmed. The whining sound coughed and spluttered to a stop.
“Report!” the alien demanded.
“Power outage on deck four, commander,” called a voice from off-screen. “The warp disk is… well, it looks like it’s gone, sir.”
“Gone? How can it be…?” His head snapped back to Cal. “You! What have you done?”
“Sensors detect movement outside, commander!”
“That’ll be my crew, bringing me your warp disk,” Cal said. “I’ll be honest, I didn’t think it was going to work, but it was way easier than I expected. No offense, Sharky, but your security must leave a lot to be desired.”
He leaned forwards. “Now, release the robot, and I won’t open fire.”
“I ain’t no robot!”
The Symmorium commander stiffened. “Our shields operate on a secondary power core. Yours do not,” he said. “There is only one reason you would take our warp disk – your own is damaged. Your weapon systems would not be able to penetrate our defenses before we crippled your ship.”
“You think?” said Cal.
“I know,” said the commander. “You will return the warp disk at once.”
“And why would I do that?” Cal asked.
“Do it, and the lives of your crew will be spared,” the commander said. “You, of course, shall go down with your ship, as is befitting a captain.”
“Tempting,” said Cal. He put his feet up on the console and leaned back. “Or you could give us back our clockwork buddy there before I obliterate you, your ship, and every fonking thing on board. You have five seconds to decide, commander.”
The Symmorium’s shark snout twitched. “You are bluffing.”
“Four. Am I? You think? Three.”
“You don’t have the power,” the commander said, his mouth pulling into something grin-like.
“Guess we’ll find out. Two.”
He hesitated.
“One and a half. Last chance.”
The commander stared impassively back at him across miles of space. “Do your worst.”
“One and a quarter. Last last chance!”
“I knew it. He’s bluffing,” the commander sneered.
Cal held up his hands. “OK, OK. I’ll admit it. I don’t actually know how to fire the weapons, even if they were working. I was sure you were going to just give in there and send him back.”
He leaned forward and winced. “Sorry, Mech, I guess they’re just going to have to keep you.”
“Like fonk they are,” Mech spat. He twisted his dial three-quarters of the way to the right.
A moment later, in a chorus of whirrs and blaster fire and agonized screams, the view screen was plunged into darkness.
“Uh… hello?” Cal said, staring expectantly at the screen. He clicked the blue switch a few times. Nothing but silent blackness stared back at him.
He shrugged and stood up. “Splurt, that was awesome!” he said, pointing to the pulsing green gloop. “You are officially now my hero, you adorable blobby little bamston!”
Splurt throbbed contentedly on the floor, then gave a little jump as something went clang further back in the ship.
Cautiously, Cal crept through the corridor that led away from the flight deck. He could hear the sound of scuffling, and felt the vibrations of the floor beneath his feet.
He reached the airlock window in time to see the space-suited Loren hurtling upwards, her arms flailing in the zero gravity. She slammed against the ceiling, and had to scrabble for a handhold to stop herself floating out through the open door.
Below her, Mizette crouched low then launched herself upwards, her fist drawn back. Before she could connect, Loren pushed off from the ceiling and flipped out of reach. Miz tried to turn, but momentum carried her on and she hit the ceiling helmet-first.
Loren soared towards the exit, hurtling back towards deep space. A moment before she got there, she caught hold of a pipe on the wall, swinging herself towards a control panel. As she slammed her hand against the controls, the open airlock door slammed closed with terrifying urgency, and Loren dropped a couple of feet to the floor.
Up by the ceiling, Mizette also began to fall. It took her almost a full two seconds longer to hit the floor, which she did at quite a high speed.
Wrestling off her helmet, Loren charged at Miz. The heavy space suit and the drag of being back in artificial gravity meant it was quite a slow charge. It was more of a stroll, if anything, Cal thought, although quite an aggressive one.
Loren drove a boot into Miz’s side before the wolf-woman could get to her feet. Miz rolled sideways, snarling so loudly that Cal could hear it even through the helmet and thick airlock door.
“You idiot!” Loren yelled. “What were you thinking?”
Miz thrashed violently on the floor. Her gloves and boots both shredded as her claws emerged. She bounded upright, tearing free of the rest of the space suit, then yanking off the helmet.
“Oh, it is on, bedge!” Mizette snarled. “It is on!”
Cal knocked on the glass. “Uh, ladies?”
“OK, just let me get out of my suit first. Fair?” said Loren, fiddling with her glove.
“Hurry up!” Mizette growled, then she hissed as Loren slammed a kick into her stomach.
Loren’s eyes went wide in panic as Miz grabbed her leg and swung her in a semi-circle, smashing her against the airlock wall. Squirming, she pulled herself free of the space suit, leaving Mizette holding the empty leg.
Cal knocked again, louder this time. “Uh… hello? Ladies?”
“What?” both women snapped, spinning towards the door. The expressions on both their faces told him he should probably just back away slowly, but he pressed on, regardless.
“The disk thing,” Cal said. “Did you get it?”
“Yes! Of course we got it,” said Loren.
“Well… do you think you could do something with it? You know, before we’re all killed?”
With a furious glare at Mizette, Loren unhooked what looked like a silver pizza box from the front of her suit, then opened the airlock door and stepped into the corridor.
“What was all that about?” asked Cal.
“She tried to kill me,” Loren said, jabbing a thumb in Miz’s direction.
“Come on now,” said Cal. “I’m sure she didn’t try to kill you.”
“She’s right. I did try to kill her,” said Mizette.
“Oh,” said Cal. “Right.”
“Aren’t you going to discipline her?” Loren demanded.
Miz purred. “Yes, please!”
“What am I, her mom?” said Cal. He turned to Miz. “Uh, don’t do it again, I guess?”
Loren shook her head. “Oh, well that showed her.”
“She disrespected you,” growled Miz. “And for that, she should die.”
“Whoa, whoa, w
hoa,” urged Cal. “I disrespect myself on a regular basis. Seriously. All the time. Most people disrespect me on at least some level, and I’m fine with that. Not a reason to kill them.”
He glanced at Loren. “Out of interest, what did you say?”
Loren shrugged. “Just that I don’t find you in any way attractive.”
Cal laughed falsely. “Gotcha.” He frowned. “You said that?”
“Yes,” said Loren, pushing past him and making her way towards the flight deck.
“You actually said those words?” asked Cal, following behind her. “With the ‘in any way’ and everything?”
Loren stopped at the flight deck entrance and met his eye. “Yes. Those actual words.”
“See? I should gut her like an orvark!” barked Miz, lunging for Loren. Cal managed to get between them before Mizette’s claws could do any damage.
“Easy there, tiger. She’s entitled to her opinion. Even if it is horribly misguided and just plain wrong.”
Loren ducked under the doorway. Both the video and audio from the Symmorium ship had been cut, leaving the screen in darkness.
“How long until Mech gets back?” Loren asked.
Cal winced. “Yeah, about that. They sort of decided they were going to keep him.”
It took Loren half a second to grasp what Cal had said. “Keep him? What do you mean?”
“Well, I said they should send him back, and they said no. They want to keep him.” Cal’s face took on a somber expression. “It’s devastating, obviously, but… you know. No point dwelling on it. We’ve got the disk thing, we can get going.”
“We can’t just leave him,” said Loren.
“I mean, I’d love to get him back, obviously,” said Cal. “But I don’t see how we can. Besides, I sort of think this is what he would have wanted. In a way.”
“No, I mean we can’t leave him,” Loren said. “He’s the only one who can swap out the warp disks.”
Cal blinked. “Oh. Well that’s unfortunate.” He clapped his hands and rubbed them together. “Right then – who’s up for a daring rescue mission?”
There was a thud from the front of the ship. The dark screen flickered, revealing Mech pressed against the window. He did not look happy.
Behind him, the Symmorium ship had a gaping hole in it, and appeared to be upside down.
The Shatner’s comms system hissed angrily, as Mech’s voice crackled out.
“Quit staring and open the fonking door!”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Cal’s legs dangled in the air, a full three feet off the floor. His fingers tried to dig in beneath the metal hand that was currently wrapped around his throat, squeezing the life out of him.
An ominous shade of red glowed deep in Mech’s eyes. His metal jaw jutted out, the pointed bottom teeth almost touching his nose.
“Mech, let him go,” Loren said.
“Uh-uh. Dude was going to leave me back there,” Mech grunted.
Cal’s legs flailed around. His eyes bulged. He could hear his own heartbeat in his head, picking up speed as it raced towards the finish line.
“Take your hands off him,” Miz snarled. She lashed out with her claws. There was a spark and a squeal and three shallow claw marks were carved into Mech’s paint. He either didn’t notice, or didn’t care. His eyes narrowed as he hoisted Cal another few inches into the air.
“You set me up, shizznod,” Mech said. “You used me to get the disk, then you were gonna leave me there.”
“Y-you… v-volunt-teered,” Cal wheezed.
“To go get the thing, not to be no hostage!” Mech said.
“I’m warning you, Disselpoof, let him go!” Loren said, training her blaster pistol on the cyborg’s face.
“I’ll let him go in a minute,” Mech said. “Just got to kill him first.”
“Shoot him!” Miz barked. “What are you waiting for?”
She lunged for the gun, knocking Loren’s arm. Mech snatched the weapon before either of them could get a proper grip on it. The gun sparked and fizzled as he crushed it with a squeeze of his hand.
Mech’s eyes flared crimson as he glowered at Cal. “Any last requests?”
“Up.”
“Say what?”
“L-lift me higher,” Cal gasped. “Or is t-this as h-igh as… you can get m-me?”
“What you talking about? Of course I can go higher! Dude, I could throw you through the roof if I wanted to!”
He extended his arm, hefting Cal higher into the air.
“M-much better,” said Cal. Bringing up his feet, he caught hold of Mech’s dial and twisted it all the way to the right.
The red fire died behind Mech’s eyes. His grip slackened. His arm dropped. He toppled backwards, remaining perfectly rigid all the way to the floor. Loren and Miz jumped backwards just in time to avoid having their feet crushed.
Cal coughed and wheezed on his hands and knees, his head spinning as oxygen flooded his lungs. “That guy has serious temper issues.”
Miz peered down at the inanimate cyborg. “What did you do?”
“Intellect power diversion at one-hundred percent,” chimed a voice from somewhere inside Mech. Miz waved a hand in front of his face, but his expression didn’t change. Even Mech’s mouth remained motionless as the voice came again. “A thousand apologies for my attempts to bring about your death via asphyxiation, Cal.”
“Hey. Forget it. Not a problem,” said Cal, getting unsteadily to his feet. “Probably deserved it.” He turned to Loren and pointed to his neck. “Is there a bruise? Can you see?”
Loren lowered her head to look, then scowled. “Man up,” she said. She squatted down next to the fallen Mech. “Are you going to be OK?”
“Oh yeah, show concern for him!” said Cal. “I mean, clearly he’s the victim here.”
“I assure you, I am operating at full efficiency, Gunso Loren,” said Mech’s voice. “All power from my core reactor has simply been redirected to my intellectual processors, rendering my body immobile.”
“Can we fix him?” asked Miz.
Cal leaned in. “Try switching him off and back on again,” he suggested.
“Quite unnecessary,” said Mech. “If one of you would be so kind as to turn my dial a fraction towards central balance – I suggest no more than sixteen degrees – I shall be able to carry out the work required to replace the warp disk.”
“And you won’t try to kill me?” asked Cal.
“As I say, I suggest turning the dial no more than sixteen degrees counter-clockwise,” Mech’s voice chimed. “Any more, and I am afraid I am unable to guarantee your safety.”
“Fair enough,” said Cal. He straightened up. “Anyone happen to have a protractor on them?”
“No,” said Loren. She grasped the dial. “I guess we’re just going to have to eyeball it.”
* * *
The stars streaked by like blurry white stripes. The sensation that accompanied it was still deeply unpleasant, but at least Cal wasn’t throwing up this time.
He slouched in his seat, massaging his throat which he was sure felt swollen. Loren and Miz both sat in their own seats, neither one apparently speaking to the other beyond the occasional muttered death threat from the hairier of the two.
It had looked as if Splurt had disappeared during Cal and Mech’s fight, but Cal eventually spotted him in a duct on the ceiling, and had spent twenty minutes coaxing him down with a space cookie. Once the green blob had flopped to the floor beside him, Cal realized he had no idea what to do with the cookie, so had just rested it on top of his head. It was still there.
“Think he still wants to kill me?” Cal asked.
“Who?” said Loren, glancing back over her shoulder.
“Mech! Who else would want to kill me?”
Loren shrugged. “I’d imagine quite a lot of people.”
“Hey! I’ll have you know that I was very well-liked back home,” Cal protested.
“You ate your parents.”
“Yes, but--”
“And forty-six other people.”
“Forty-six?” said Cal. “Really? That many?” He leaned back in his chair. “That is… Wow, that is a lot. I mean, that’s insane. Forty-six people.”
“Forty-eight, if you count your parents,” Loren pointed out.
“Jesus,” said Cal. “Forty-eight people.” He bit his lip. “Is it wrong that I’m sort of disappointed it wasn’t a round fifty, though?”
“Yes!” Loren scowled, turning in her chair. “Yes, it’s wrong!”
“Well, I think eating forty-eight people is pretty hot,” offered Miz.
“Thank you,” said Cal. “See? Some of us think eating forty-eight people is a good thing. Which, you know, is worrying on a number of levels, but still.”
He gestured ahead of them. “Now watch the screen and try not to break the engine again.”
“I didn’t break it!”
“Good for you. You keep telling yourself that,” said Cal. He pointed to the screen. “That way. Eyes front. Come on.”
He settled back and looked down at Splurt, who pulsed on the floor beside him. “I don’t know, buddy, how do we get ourselves into these situations?” he muttered.
A moment later, he lifted the cookie, took a bite out of it, then set it back down on Splurt’s head.
* * *
A little under four hours after Cal finished the cookie, the stars began to slow. They were still moving ludicrously fast across the screen, but the level of ludicrousness had decreased so it was marginally less mind-boggling than it had been.
“We’re on final approach to the Remnants,” Loren announced. “Arrival within the next few minutes.”
“Good. Great. That’s awesome,” said Cal, sitting up in his seat. He looked around and yawned. “Was I asleep?”
“Yes,” said Loren.
“Don’t worry, I watched you the whole time,” Miz assured him.
“Well, that’s a relief,” said Cal, flashing her a smile. He stretched. “So… where did you say we were?”
“The Remnants. Or we will be soon.”
“The Remnants, right. Gotcha,” said Cal. “What’s that, then?”
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