by R. W. Peake
To my irritation, Phocas looked surprised. What, am I so unable to attract a fine woman that it should provide such a shock, I thought sourly? However, I said nothing. Turning to me, Phocas beamed.
“Well done, boy. She is truly a jewel.”
“Where’s Gaia?” I asked, looking over his shoulder, puzzled that the commotion did not bring her to the door. I was not expecting such from my father, but I was sure that Gaia would have been all over me by now. There was no answer, and my heart skipped a beat, so I turned to face Phocas, his face telling me everything I needed to know, and it was my turn for more fresh tears to run down my face.
“She died almost a year ago,” Phocas told us as we sat at the table, and looking about, I could see that things were hard for Phocas and my father. Phocas had done his best, but there is just a difference between the way a woman keeps a house and the way a man does it, especially one the age of Phocas. I was still unable to speak, so great was my shock, and Gisela was sitting next to me, trying to comfort me, as was Phocas. He poured us some wine and I noticed that he did not add water to his, as was his normal habit. Staring into his cup, he continued.
“She had been complaining about being tired,” he smiled sadly, “at least more than she normally complained. You remember Titus, how she was always sure that she was coming down with some malady.”
I smiled back. It was true; rarely a month went by where Gaia did not dramatically pronounce that she was sure she had come down with some ailment that was likely to take her life. Phocas and I teased her unmercifully, with Phocas even joking that it would give him the excuse to find another woman, which she always answered with a tart retort that he did not have to wait for her to die, he was more than welcome to go find some foolish woman who was stupid enough to fall for his blandishments. Despite the words, the tone was always loving between the both of them, and that teasing was a part of my childhood I remembered with great fondness.
“Well, she complained as usual. And as usual, I didn’t listen,” suddenly his composure broke, and he was racked with sobbing. It took him a few moments to compose himself, as I sat there helplessly, not sure what to do. I had never seen Phocas like this, and being in the army ten years such tender feelings were signs of weakness, so I just sat there waiting for him to regain his composure. Gisela glared at me before pulling herself to her feet to place her arms around Phocas, and as he lay against her arms and continued to sob, I realized that this was probably the first time he had a chance to grieve. After all, I could hardly imagine Lucius being any comfort. Finally composing himself, he continued.
“But then she started losing weight, and you know Titus that she didn't have much to lose. I went into town to consult the priests and even hired a doctor. I tried everything, but nothing worked. She just……..faded away.”
I sat there, unable to speak, partly because I did not know what to say, but also because my sense of shame was so overpowering that I did not trust myself to speak. I had been selfish and completely absorbed in my own career and my own life, turning my back on the people most important to me. Now, all my promises about freeing them were empty since Gaia was dead. I could not even cry anymore; I was past being worried what Gisela would think, so deep was my shock and sadness. Instead we sat there in silence, gulping our wine as I imagined I felt Gaia’s numen hovering above us.
“Phocas!”
Even all these years later, the sound of his voice sent a thrill of hatred and fear up my spine. My head shot up, catching Phocas’ eye, and he answered my unspoken question.
“He’s worse than ever. Truthfully, I don't know what keeps him alive.”
Smiling meanly, I stood up and said, “Well, maybe a visit from his long lost son will do the trick and send him to Hades where he belongs.”
Heading to my father’s room, I left Gisela sitting open-mouthed, and Phocas looking grim.
“Hello, Father.”
My greeting had exactly the effect I desired; laying in a filthy bed, unshaven, smelling worse than any German, my father let out a shriek of fear at the sight of me, and when I stepped towards the bed my nose wrinkled at the smell as his bladder lost control, his fresh piss mixing with the stale smell. When Gaia was alive, she at least forced him to bathe at somewhat regular intervals, but now that she was gone, Phocas had neither the inclination nor the energy.
“What….what are you doing here?”
The hatred and fear in his voice was both satisfying and unsettling, yet I was not about to let him see that he had rattled me.
“Father, is that any way to greet a beloved son, your only son?” I asked smoothly. Taking another step towards him, Lucius jerked and fell off the bed, landing in a filthy heap at my feet. I looked down at him with contempt as he scuttled like a crab into the corner, whimpering in naked fear.
“Why are you afraid, Father? What do you think I’m going to do?”
“You’re here to kill me! I know why you’re here! You want all that I have, and you’re here to take it from me by killing me!”
I am not sure how long I laughed, but I was soon gasping for breath and forced to sit on the corner of his bed as he stared at me in gape-mouthed astonishment, unsure if I had gone mad. Catching my breath, I pulled the purse tied to my belt. In it were freshly minted gold denarii, and although it represented perhaps a third of my wealth at that time, just what I carried could have bought my father’s farm and everything on it several times over. Contemptuously, I dropped the purse on the floor in front of him, the sound of the coins clashing together making a heavy, metallic sound.
“Lucius,” I sneered, “I could buy this place, and a dozen like it just in what I carry on my belt. Believe me; you have nothing I want, except one thing.”
A look of naked avarice filled my father’s face as his addled mind tried to calculate how much wine could be bought with what I carried, and in front of my eyes he actually began salivating at the thought, a thin line of drool falling from his chin like the silver thread of a spider’s web. My disgust for him could not have been any higher than it was at that moment, yet I forced myself to remain as businesslike as I could.
“Well, what is it, boy?”
Standing up, I walked closer to him, then squatted so I could look him directly in the eyes, causing him to push himself hard against the wall.
“You know what I want, Lucius. I’m here to buy Phocas’ freedom.”
I was sure that my father could no longer hurt me, and I was right at least physically, but he still could draw blood with a few words. His voice was filled with a malicious glee when he shot back, “Too bad you didn’t come a few months sooner. I'd have made more money selling the both of them.”
Fighting the urge to reach out and strike him, I settled instead for simply saying, “Yes, that would have been nice. More money means you could have drunk yourself to death more quickly. Name a price, old man.”
I had to satisfy myself with the look on his face as I left the room.
I wish I could say that there were no more shocks or surprises waiting for me, but when I returned to the main room, I could tell by the way Gisela and Phocas quickly stopped talking, and the way that Gisela avoided my gaze that more bad news awaited.
Sighing, I sat down and asked Phocas, “What else?”
He gulped a swallow of wine before speaking, deepening my anxiety. “It’s about Livia,” he began, and just the way he said it told me everything.
My throat tightened, and I managed only a strangled, “How? When?”
Looking at me with great sympathy, Phocas put his hand on my shoulder, his grip still strong from years of hard work. “She died in childbirth, Titus. Three months ago.”
I had not thought it possible that I could feel worse just a few moments before, but I was wrong. And I am ashamed to say that almost as quickly as fresh sorrow hit me, it was followed by the thought that the same fate could befall Gisela. Phocas knew me, and he knew my mind, which is why his hand on my shoulder was such a comfort. Looking over at Gisela,
I saw she was gazing at me with an expression I had never really seen before.
“How's Cyclops?”
My question caused another hesitation, so I prepared for more bad news, though it was not quite what I expected. “I don’t know,” Phocas replied, “he disappeared just a few days after she died. Nobody has heard from him since.”
I absorbed this, feeling the weight of gloom and guilt settling on me. Phocas decided I needed some good news. “Valeria thrives,” my head came up at this, and seeing my interest, he smiled. “She has two children.”
“Two?” I said in surprise.
I knew about Gaius, her son who would be about eight years old, but I did not know about the second child.
“Yes, she had a girl a while back. I expect the baby is about six months old now. Her name is……..” he searched his memory, looking at the ceiling for a moment, before he brightened, “….Julia, yes that's it. Her name is Julia.”
“Well, I plan on going to see her the day after tomorrow. I suppose there’s no sense in going to Cyclops’ farm.”
Phocas shrugged. Gisela, who was silent the whole time, excused herself from the table to relieve herself.
Once she was gone, Phocas asked quietly, “You really love her, don’t you?”
I was startled by the question; honestly I had never really thought about it much.
“Yes, I do. Very much.”
I tried to keep the surprise out of my voice, but Phocas had known me too long. He grinned and said, “It sneaks up on you, doesn’t it?”
I could not help but grin back. As usual, he was right; it had sneaked up on me.
We left for Valeria’s farm two days later, shortly before dawn. I finished the transaction with my father giving Phocas his freedom, taking the necessary documents into town after Lucius grudgingly signed them. The look on his toothless face when I contemptuously tossed the agreed amount, contained in a leather bag, into his hands made my stomach turn. He was oblivious to my disgust, licking his lips and peering into the bag, mumbling to himself in glee.
“That should keep you good and drunk for the rest of your life,” I said as I walked out of his room, but he made no retort. The morning we left for Valeria’s, I asked Phocas to come with us, and my father thought to stop him, demanding that he stay to take care of him.
“I'm sorry sir, but I'm no longer your slave,” Phocas told him quietly, and the look on my father’s face as he realized exactly what that meant was worth ten purses of the size I paid. With great dignity, Phocas climbed into the wagon, and we rolled out of the yard of the house, leaving my father spluttering in impotent rage and not a little fear. He never had to take care of himself, ever. Now he was all alone, and I could not have been happier. We laughed about that exchange for at least a third of a watch on the road to my sister’s, until tears streamed from our eyes. I could not remember a time where I felt as good about myself as I did that day, just watching Phocas’ face as the realization that he was truly free finally sunk in. Valeria was as lovely as ever, at least in my eyes. Being a mother agreed with her, and I was quite taken with little Gaius, who followed me everywhere, peppering me with questions about the number of Gauls I had killed.
“He's been completely obsessed by the exploits of his Uncle Titus,” Valeria explained, and I shot a quick glance at her husband, but he did not seem to mind. Valeria caught my glance, and after he left to work in the fields, she assured me that he was not jealous. “He never had dreams of glory the way you did,” she said, and Gisela interrupted with, “He still does,” making Valeria laugh.
Much to my relief, Valeria and Gisela hit it off immediately, and in fact seemed to enter into some sort of silent conspiracy aimed at me, where knowing looks were exchanged between them when I said something. I found it extremely irritating, and it finally forced me to go seek out Valeria’s husband Porcinus outside. However, he was really only interested in talking about his crops and his animals, reminding me of why I was so anxious to get off my farm in the first place. The moment I could extricate myself politely, I went and found Gaius. We sat talking for quite a while, and despite myself, I was amused at the idea that I would find the company of an eight year old more desirable than that of other adults. Yet I was fascinated by the way his mind worked, and despite his age he asked some very intelligent questions.
When I commented about this to Valeria, she looked at him with maternal pride and simply said, “Oh yes, he’s very smart. In many ways he’s like you; I don’t think the farm is going to be enough for him.”
As she finished that statement an expression of worry clouded her face, and realizing that I had seen that look before when she looked at me, I tried to think of something comforting to tell her, but the truth was there was really nothing to say because I completely understood. I think that is when the idea first formed in my head that somewhere down the road, I would be playing a larger role in Gaius’ life.
Spending four days with Valeria and her family, as much as I enjoyed myself, by the end of the third day I was bored out of my mind. Valeria knew me too well for me to hide it from her, but if she was disappointed, she did not show it. The most notable thing that happened occurred on the morning we left to return to Astigi; I was surprised to see Phocas showing no signs of being ready to leave. I was about to talk to him when Valeria caught me and pulled me aside, telling me quietly, “I’ve asked Phocas to stay here, and he’s agreed.”
I am not sure why I was surprised, but I was. “Why would he want to do that? He’s free now; he can go wherever he wants.”
Valeria shook her head, and replied, “Look at him Titus. He’s an old man now, and he’s worked hard his whole life. He was as much a father to me as he was to you, and I think the least I can do, after what you’ve done for him, is give him a place where he can live in peace.”
I saw the sense in this, but I wanted to make sure that Phocas had indeed agreed to this and was not just going along with Valeria to appease her. I knew how strong-willed she was, so I could imagine that Phocas might have figured that the easiest way of dealing with her was to pretend to go along, then just sneak off in the night, but he was as adamant as she was.
“I’m completely capable of making up my own mind Titus,” he sniffed, seeing through my stated reason for asking him. “Your sister may be formidable, but remember I lived with Gaia for 30 years, so I know how to handle a strong woman. No, I’m happy to stay here. Besides, it will do me good to be around Gaius and the baby. Children keep you young, you know.”
I knew no such thing, but I was convinced that he was sincere in his desire to stay behind.
“Look at it this way,” he finished, “think how angry your father will be when he learns I chose to live with your sister.”
That thought indeed brightened my day, and it was in a happy frame of mind that I kissed my sister, picked up Gaius and tossed him laughing in the air one last time, then shook her husband’s hand before climbing in the wagon. Gisela and Valeria clung to each other for what seemed to me an inappropriately long time, and through their tears they whispered things to each other that made them both laugh, all the while cutting their eyes towards me. Perhaps, I thought, leaving was not such a bad idea after all. At least they wouldn’t be together to hatch plots aimed at me.
Heading for Astigi that morning, being honest, I was more nervous now than at any other point on the trip, because Juno and Gisela were about to meet. It made me anxious on a number of levels; what if they did not get along? What if Gisela was able to tell that at one point I had feelings for Juno? And perhaps more importantly, what would happen if the moment I laid eyes on Juno I realized that those feelings had not completely died, and worst of all, Gisela could tell? Such was my state of mind as we plodded along the road, the wagon kicking up dust, marking our slow progress towards town, and I tried my best to hide my thoughts but Gisela was always able to see through any such attempts on my part.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, and I was sure I could det
ect a note of impatience in her voice, not helping my frame of mind.
“Nothing,” I replied a little too quickly, only serving to confirm her suspicions.
She harrumphed, making it clear that she was not buying any such nonsense, though I was thankful that she did not press the issue. However, after a couple of miles of silence, I found myself turning to her.
“It’s just that I’m worried that you and Juno won’t get along.”
I was thankful that, even if she saw through this, she did not choose to make an issue of it. “I'm sure we will get along fine,” she announced confidently.
I just hoped she was right, for all of our sakes, or else it would be a long trip back.
Arriving at Vibius’ house, I banged on the door. After what seemed like a full watch, it cracked open, and an old crone that had been part of Vibius’ household since we were children peered out suspiciously. Her eyes took in the sight of me and Gisela, and despite seeing she recognized me, her reaction was not exactly welcoming. She was never the cheerful sort, but she would at least grunt in recognition and open the door. However, this time she just stood there, not budging. Stifling my impatience, I tried to assume a reasonable tone of voice; I had learned that being a Centurion did not awe civilians nearly as much as Legionaries.
“Is Vibius in? He’s expecting us.”
Still, she said nothing, but I saw a look of indecision cross her face and I was about to just push the door open to enter when she finally spoke.
“Master Vibius is not receiving any guests today.”
She made a move like she was going to close the door, but I stuck my foot out and stopped her.
“We’re not guests. You do recognize me, don’t you?”
She nodded, but she still stood her ground, although she was looking more and more nervous.
“I know who you are Master Titus, but my orders are very specific, that Master Vibius is not receiving any visitors. Mistress” meaning Vibius’ mother “was very specific on that point.”
I bit back a curse, feeling my temper rise. “Will you just run and tell Vibius that we’re here and see what he says?”