Words failed me as I struggled to stay on course with what I thought was the right thing. Suddenly, I had no idea what the right thing was anymore. Because this entire situation was insane.
She was insane.
Seeing an opening in my armor, she swiftly jumped in, “Telling him could completely shatter his world. Is that what you want?” she asked without giving me a chance to answer. “If you truly love him the way you claim you do, you’ll back off and give him a real chance. I can help him—I can protect him and make sure he has the great life he always deserved.”
Fire shot through my veins. She was warping everything, distorting the truth to make it suit her end game. And I’d be damned if I was going to let this crazy bitch get away with it.
“Don’t you dare pretend that this is all for Trace’s benefit. You’re not Mother Theresa, Nikki. You want me out of the picture because we all know that’s the only way in hell you’d ever have a chance with him,” I spat and then watched with satisfaction as she flinched at my words. “You’re a sick person. Like, beyond help.”
“Well, I guess love makes you do crazy things,” she said, her lips tight and her body defensive, “but obviously you know nothing about that.”
“That’s not love, Nikki. I feel sorry for you if you think it is.” I shook my head in disgust and then looked around at the others as each of them averted their eyes.
Bunch of cowards.
“You all knew about this?” I asked, but no one bothered to answer me. “Caleb?” I hedged.
He met my eyes and frowned. “Only after the fact.”
“And you’re okay with it?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, define okay.”
Un-fucking-believable. “You’re his friend, Caleb. Don’t you think he has the right to know what happened? Don’t you think he’d want to know the truth?”
He scratched his forehead and then pushed his hands through his tousled copper hair. “I mean, I don’t know, Blackburn. Nikki kind of has a point. He’s already messed up enough.”
My heart sank. “And you think telling him the truth—telling him about me would only mess him up more? Because I’m some plague, right? I’m the outsider that came here and ruined everything…right?”
“Pretty much,” muttered Nikki, her lips curled into a scowl.
“No, not pretty much,” snapped Caleb, shooting her an irritated look and then turning back to me. “I’m not saying that. I just don’t think we should be adding any more weight to his load right now.”
I griped the edge of the table to keep from swaying. Dominic’s arms immediately circled my waist, anchoring me.
Come on, angel. We should go, he said to my mind.
I pushed his hands down, my eyes never leaving Caleb’s. I wasn’t done here. Not by a long shot. “And obviously, I’m the weight you’re referring to, right?”
He frowned at my summary. “That’s not what I meant, Blackburn. I just…I just don’t think telling him about you would help his situation right now.” If he was trying to make me feel better, he was doing a horrible job of it.
“How the hell is that any different from what I just said?” I didn’t give him a chance to answer. “Why don’t you grow a fucking pair and at least have the balls to say it to my face.” I glared at him, waiting to see if he would—if he’d actually say the things I knew they were all thinking.
“A little help here,” he muttered under his breath to his sister Carly who sunk into her seat, looking as though she wanted to disappear into it.
Fucking cowards! All of them. I couldn’t even stand to look at them anymore.
Nikki may have been the one to drag Trace back from the dead—breaking who knows how many cardinal rules and doing god-knows-what to his soul—but they were all complicit in this. None of their hands were clean.
“You can’t just pull people out of their graves and rearrange their lives to suit your own agenda,” I spat, my vengeful eyes back on Nikki. “And you sure as shit aren’t going to decide Trace’s past or his future. I won’t let you.”
Whatever she did to him, however she was manipulating his mind to suit her own purpose, I was going to get to the bottom of it and make sure that he knew exactly who he was and where he came from.
She wasn’t going to get away with this.
I turned on my heel, ready to take myself as far away from them as I could when my eyes locked on Trace’s from across the room. He was just standing there, holding a tray of glasses in his hand and staring at me like a fly caught in an intricate spiderweb. How long had he been standing there?
My heart sank. For him. For us. For what we lost and may never get back again. For the future I took, and the past Nikki erased. He was completely clueless about everything that had happened; about who I really was and everything we’d gone through together, and it shattered my heart to a million pieces.
I decided right then and there that I was going to do whatever it took to make sure he remembered. To make sure he had all the pieces of his life. Because he deserved at least that much.
No matter how horrible I came out looking.
4. FORGET ME NOT
Tall silhouettes of evergreens zipped by us as we made our way down the winding throughway. I felt numb, shell-shocked, and completely overwhelmed. I knew coming home again would be hard and I’d prepared myself for that as best as I could, but I hadn’t prepared myself for the possibility of ever seeing Trace Macarthur again. Trace—the boy I loved. The boy whose life I had to take all those months ago. There wasn’t anything in this world that could prepare you for seeing someone you loved suddenly back from the dead.
Over the course of the summer, I’d sat with the guilt of what I’d done for weeks. Punished myself for it daily, and then eventually, after an unsurmountable number of tears shed, I found a way to forgive myself.
I forgave, but I never forgot.
Somehow, along the way, he’d become the driving factor for me to do better, and to be better. To never again put myself in a position where my enemies could gain the upper hand over me. Where they could use the people I loved against me and force my hand. And I used that pain—that constant perpetual ache I had for him to fire my heart and keep me going long after I lost the strength to do it for myself.
Trace had been everything to me, even after death, but never—not once—did I ever allow myself to even dream about having the chance to see him again. Not in this lifetime anyway. That was the kind of blind hope that would lead me astray, that would keep my heart hoping for something that wasn’t real. And I didn’t want to live in that space anymore. I couldn’t live there. So, I’d let him go. As hard as it was to say goodbye, I had made my peace with it and found a way to go on without him.
And now he was back.
In Hollow Hills.
Alive.
And he didn’t have slightest idea who I was.
“She did this to him on purpose,” I bit out, though mostly to myself. The moment the numbness subsided it was quickly replaced with something else. Pure unfiltered broiling rage. “She brought him back from the dead for her own sick needs without the slightest regard for what this might do to him. And she made sure he wouldn’t remember me so she could manipulate him right back into her arms. I just know it.”
I had no proof, but I could feel it in my bones like the winter chill creeping its way under your skin.
“And now she expects me to just, I don’t know—go away?” I continued, utterly appalled. “Pretend like I never met him? She’s out of her mind. He needs to know the truth about what happened to him. He needs to know the truth about us.” I watched as the forest thickened outside my window, leaving nothing but blurred shadows in its wake.
“The only person the truth is going to hurt is Nikki and that’s why she doesn’t want me to tell him.” I looked over at Dominic for agreement, for commiseration, but he was quiet. Unusually so, and I didn’t like it one bit. “Why aren’t you saying anything?”
“What would you like me to say, angel?” he asked, his tone calm and even.
I studied him for a long moment, trying to gauge his feelings—his position. “You don’t agree with her, do you?”
“Which part?” he asked, and my mouth fell all the way open.
Was he for real? “Any part, Dominic!”
He ran his lean fingers along his jawline as though he needed to think deeply on it. “Do I think it was wise of her to bring him back from the dead? Obviously not. But that part is done. There’s nothing you can do about that short of killing him again,” he said through a smirk as though he had already imagined that scene in his mind.
“Not funny,” I growled. “And what about now? You don’t actually think I should leave this alone, do you? Just forget everything that ever happened between us and let her get away with erasing his memory?”
“To be fair, angel, you don’t actually know that she did that.”
I looked at him like the raving lunatic he obviously was. “Are you freaking kidding me, Dominic? What are the chances that he remembers everyone except me?”
“I don’t know much about necromancy, angel, but I know there’s consequences. The more traumatic the death, the more trauma is brought back. Sometimes, forgetting is the brain’s only way to cope with that trauma.” He looked at me pointedly. “To not implode from it.”
A chill spread through me like a winter frost. “Are you saying that he might’ve forgotten me on purpose?” I swallowed the thick lump in my throat. “That I might actually hurt him by telling him the truth?”
“I’m saying it’s a possibility.”
My throat constricted as though someone were squeezing it from the inside out. And then something occurred to me. Something that made me pause. “Are you saying this for his benefit, or for your own?” We both knew he had a stake in this—me—and it was very, very personal to him. If he was manipulating me, even remotely, he would regret it.
I would make damn sure of it, regardless of my feelings for him.
He looked at me for a harrowing moment. “Both,” he admitted, and strangely, I appreciated his honesty despite what it meant. “I would be lying if I said it wouldn’t benefit me.”
“So, basically, what you’re saying is, I can’t trust you on this.” The idea alone depressed me. Dominic was my person. He was the one good thing I had left in this sick, macabre world.
“No, angel. I’m saying precisely the opposite.” He looked at me again, a devious smirk taking form on his lips. “While I would readily admit that it would benefit me, I hope you know me well enough by now to know that I’ve never been interested in conning you into my bed. That was never the way I wanted to have you.”
He had a point there. He’d shown me more than a fair share of restraint when it came to our private time together. Not once did he take advantage of my grief or use his power of compulsion to have his way with me.
Up until now, when it came to that, he’d shown me nothing but respect, sometimes irritatingly so, and I knew in my heart that I could trust his word on this.
“So, what do I do now?” I asked, trying to mask the hopelessness from my voice. “Am I supposed to just leave it alone?” I asked half-heartedly, knowing full well I had no idea how to do that, despite the potential risks.
“Of course not.”
Surprised and relieved, I looked up and met his eyes.
“It would eat you alive, angel. We both know that.” He looked sad just then and my heart hurt for him. Deep down, he knew I couldn’t leave it alone and as much as me pursuing this—pursuing Trace—would hurt him, he’d encourage me to do it anyway, and he’d probably help me along the way.
He always did.
“Tell me what to do, Dominic.” I hated that my voice sounded so small—so weak, but I was at a complete loss here. Even though I’d spent months building up my strength, mentally and physically, and I’d gotten damn good at taking care of myself, this was way too much for me. Too hard to navigate on my own. I needed someone to lessen the impossibility of this, to break it down into small digestive pieces and feed them to me. And I needed that person to be Dominic.
He veered the car onto the shoulder and put his hazard lights on. “I may know of someone that might be able to help,” he said somewhat wearily, his eyes never straying from the road ahead even though we were parked.
My ears perked up. “Who?”
He paused for a long moment as though he weren’t sure how much he should tell me. “A necromancer I dealt with a long while back,” he finally said before facing me.
“A necromancer?!”
He dipped his head in a curt nod.
“Do you think he’ll talk to us? Wait a minute—” My eyes thinned and burned with curiosity. “What kind of business did you have with a necromancer?”
He smirked, letting me know it was nothing good. “That’s a story for another time, angel. In any event, he might be able to answer your questions. Surely, if there’s a way to jog Romeo’s memory without hurting him, he will know of it.”
My entire soul lit up as the pressure that had been steadily building left me just then. This man, this godforsaken man that was completely and utterly in love with me was willing to help me get answers to something that may very well spell the end of him and me. And yet he was still willing to try.
Suddenly, the reality of my situation with Dominic hit me like an opened handed slap to the back of the head. Could I really ask this of him? Could I put him through the pain of having to watch me try to rebuild a relationship with someone I once loved? Was that even what I was trying to do? Rebuild the relationship?
The suffocating pressure returned as I let that string of thoughts sink all the way in.
“Angel?” Dominic lightly touched my knee. “Why aren’t you saying anything?”
I shook my head, unable to summon the courage to speak.
His eyebrows furrowed as he tried to make sense of my silence. “Is this not what you want?”
“It is, I just…” I dropped my gaze, incapable of meeting his eyes. “I don’t know if I should be doing this.”
“Talking to the necromancer?”
“No.” I forced myself to meet his eyes. “This. With you.”
“I’m not following,” he said as the headlights from a passing car flashed across his face.
“I don’t know if I should be asking you to help me with this.” I shook my head again. “It doesn’t feel right.”
“Ah. I see.” A small smile formed as he reached out and stroked the back of my cheek with his knuckles, but I could tell he had forced it. “I appreciate the concern, angel, but unless you have another option, I’m all you have right now.”
My eyes slipped shut as I sunk into his touch. It was always so easy to sink into him—to give in to him.
“Do you have another option?” he asked softly, knowing full well that I didn’t.
I shook my head. “None that I know of.”
“Then consider it done.” He dragged his fingers down the length of my arm and then cupped my hand.
My eyes opened and I met his gaze again. He was staring at me with a perfect storm of love and pain in his eyes, and in equal parts. Sadly, it was like looking into a mirror because in that moment, I felt the same exact way.
What he was doing for me was beyond anything I would ever expect from him, or even ask of him. And yet, I knew damn well I was going to accept his offer.
I had to.
I had to find out the truth about Trace; about how much of him really came back and if he’d be okay—with or without me. And despite my need to know, my need to ask the questions that needed asking, I was terrified to my bones of hearing the answers.
What if he wasn’t the same person he was before?
What if he was…broken?
What if his memories couldn’t be restored?
All of those things terrified me, but nothing terrified me more than wondering if Nikki and the rest of them were right. What
if he was better off without me? What if this really was his second chance at the life I’d taken from him when I waltzed into his life all those months ago?
What if…
The pressure—the impossible weight of it—had returned to suffocate me again. I had no idea what my next move would be or even what it should be, though I knew I’d have to make that decision sooner rather than later.
But what was the right decision? And who would it be right for?
My insides twisted with turmoil as that familiar leaden feeling of grief and self-doubt crept back into my soul, scratching its way under my skin and through my insides as it searched for its home. After all these months, all that running and hunting and fighting, I was right back where I’d started, and I hated it.
I didn’t want to be in this space anymore.
I refused to live in that space.
Steeling myself, I pushed all the uncomfortable feelings away and buried my worries of tomorrow for another day. It was the only way I knew how to cope now and even though I could still feel them poking and clawing inside me, fighting for a way out, I refused to let them drown me.
I needed an out, a temporary escape, and I needed it right now.
“Take me home,” I said, turning to Dominic as I looked him over from his black fitted dress shirt to his creamy skin and all the smooth edges in between. I wanted to be covered in it, to be buried under him like a blanket of blissful isolation.
“To the Blackburn Estate?” he verified, his dark eyes thinning as he tried to read me.
There was always an inkling of darkness behind those eyes, something that was all too familiar to me; something that called to the darkness within my own self.
I wet my lips and shook my head. “No. Not there.” While the Blackburn Estate was empty, and technically belonged to Tessa and me (according to my uncle’s estate lawyers) I had no desire to step foot in that house any time soon.
“Take me to your place.”
Incarnate: A Dark Paranormal Romance (The Marked Saga Book 5) Page 3