He ran his hand down his face and then met my eyes again. There was so much emotion painted on his face. Hues of fear and worry, strokes of frustration and distress, and yet it wasn’t going to change a single thing for me, and somewhere among the swirling colors of paint, he knew it too. “I’m not going to change your mind, am I?”
“Not likely.” I smiled at him. “Come on, Gabriel. I thought you’d be happy about this. I’m finally accepting my fate after all the kickback I gave you. You should be beaming right now. Instead, you’re looking like you’re about to cry.”
“I’m not about to cry,” he promptly defended, though there was definitely something off-putting in his eyes. “I’m worried about you, Jemma.” He paused before adding, “Your sister’s worried, too.”
Whoa. Where did that come from?
“Worried about what exactly?” I asked since this couldn’t have been about the mission being that Tessa didn’t even know about it yet.
He didn’t answer right away, which only made my apprehension grow stronger. “Some of the things Tessa’s told me over the summer—”
“What things?” I cut in, already feeling attacked. “I did good this summer.” Frankly, I’d lost count of how many revenants and demons I’d slayed. “I never ran. I never hesitated. I was on my A-game.”
“Yes,” he agreed, though something was clearly still bothering him. “But it’s as though you no longer care about yourself. About your life. About whether you live or die.”
I cracked a macabre smile. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“That’s not funny, Jemma.”
I shifted on the mat. “Come on, Gabriel. You’re making something out of nothing.”
“Am I?” His gentle green eyes were searching my face frantically. I felt as though they were boring into my soul, digging in deep for the truth of the matter.
I shifted again. “I’m doing my job better than ever.”
“That’s not what I asked you.”
“Fine. Maybe I don’t care as much as I used to,” I finally admitted, not entirely sure when I’d started feeling that way to begin with. “Maybe I just want to make use of my life and body for as long as I can, and then be done with it all. Is that really such a bad thing?”
“Jemma.” His eyes slid shut as though it hurt to look at me.
“Dammit, Gabriel. Give me a break! It’s not like I’m going to live until a ripe old age. There’s no college for me. No marriage and kids. No life beyond what I’m already doing. I have no future. All I have is right now—this moment—and then death.” As much as I hated admitting the words out loud, it was the truth. “And I’m okay with that now. I can live with that. Why is that so wrong? Why is it wrong if it helps me do what I’m supposed to do?”
“Because you’ve given up on your dreams—on life. Don’t you see that?” He shook his head somberly. “It’s not just that you’ve accepted death as part of this life, it’s as though you have a death wish; it’s as though you are welcoming it, and that is a sad and dangerous way to live in our world.”
“Well it sure beats the way I was doing it before,” I snapped bitterly and then jumped up to my feet. “This is who I am now, Gabriel, and if you or Tessa have a problem with it, then you know where the door is. I don’t need to hear this crap right now,” I said and then stormed out of the room without bothering to turn around when he called out my name.
The truth was, I couldn’t stand to hear another word of it. I didn’t want to be reminded of who I was before or how much had changed in my life, and I sure as hell didn’t want to be reminded of the fact that something very real and sacred had died inside of me.
Fuck. That.
I didn’t want to hear any of it.
18. EIGHTEEN CANDLES
As drained as I was after everything that happened with Trace, the Council, and then with Gabriel, I had somehow still managed to pull it together enough to make an appearance at All Saints. As promised. Frankly, with the way I was feeling, that was a huge accomplishment for me in and of itself.
“Eek! I’m so happy you came!” squealed Carly as she bounced up on her toes and wrapped her lean arms around my neck before spinning us around in a bouncy circle.
My heart immediately sank to the floor as memories of Taylor swooped in to gut me. Taylor used to hug me almost the same exact way and while I used to laugh, thinking her hugs were completely ridiculous, in that moment, there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t give to have just one more hug from her.
“You look smokin’,” said Carly as she continued to bounce up and down in front of me like an excited toddler. A tipsy toddler judging by the smell of alcohol on her breath. “The again, you always do.”
Burying the memory of Taylor, I pulled it together and smiled at her. “Happy birthday, Carly,” I said and handed her a pink envelope. I hadn’t had enough time (or notice) to actually go out and buy her something for her birthday, so I’d hoped that a cute card and a gift certificate at the local spa would make up for it.
“Oh, my gosh, Jemma. You didn’t have to! You are so sweet!” she cooed.
And just like that, we were hugging again.
This was going to be a long ass night.
To my relief, Caleb strutted up to us a moment later like a gift from the heavens, prompting Carly to finally unwrap her arms from my neck so that I could greet her brother, and you know, breath again. She immediately spotted someone else walking in through the door and ran off to go pounce on them.
Shaking my head at her, I turned back to Caleb and smiled. He looked handsome in his gray button up shirt and dress pants. His copper hair was brushed back and glistening with what looked like a small amount of gel, and his smile was plastered from ear to ear, showcasing his pearly whites. He sure cleaned up nice.
“Happy birthday, Cale.” I pushed up on my toes and kissed him on the cheek. I immediately noticed the edges of his face picking up color and knew that he was blushing. “I didn’t get you anything for your birthday because, well, you pretty much already have it all.”
“True,” he agreed proudly.
“So instead, I’m going to let you call in one future favor. Anything you want, any time you need it.”
His eyebrows shot up as he rubbed his palms together conspiratorially. “Are you sure you want to offer me something so dangerous, Blackburn? I mean, the possibilities are endless.”
I laughed. “Don’t make me regret it.”
“I’m not making any promises.” He winked and then threw his arm over my shoulder, walking us to the table they’d reserved for the birthday supper.
My smile faded as soon as I spotted Trace and Nikki sitting together at the table. Something told me I’d never get used to seeing the two of them together like that. Upon noticing me, Nikki immediately wrapped her arm around Trace’s shoulder and then leaned in to whisper god-knows-what into his ear. Trace, on the other hand, made no attempt to move in closer to her and looked kind of irritated by her proximity.
Still though, it didn’t make seeing them together any easier.
“You need a minute?” asked Caleb, noticing where my gaze had gone. “We can go get some air outside if you want,” he offered, his hot breath close to my ear.
I looked up at him and forced a smile. Here he was being all kind and selfless, on his own birthday no less. I wasn’t about to ruin the night for him.
I shook my head and waved the idea off. “I’m good. Nothing a shot of tequila won’t fix.”
Caleb threw his head back and howled. “It’s like you’re reading my mind, Blackburn.”
With our asses plastered on the bar stools at the main bar, the bartender, a petite blond with cherry red hair streaks in her hair, lined up a pretty row of tequila shots for us.
I leaned over to Caleb and whispered in his ear, “She didn’t even pretend to check my ID.” Granted, we had no problem getting booze here in the past, but that was when I worked here and knew all of the bartenders and waitresses.
“The boss already cleared us,” he said, tweaking his eyebrows as he grabbed a shot from the table and handed it over to me before picking one up for himself. He quickly tipped his head back and dumped the shot down his throat.
“The boss?” I asked, confused, knowing that Trace’s father, Peter Macarthur, had been killed months ago by the demon that had overtaken him. “Um…Peter’s dead, Caleb.”
I swore to god, if he was about to tell me that he too was back from the dead, I was so out of there.
“The new boss,” answered Caleb and then gestured with his chin towards our table—presumably to Trace. “Who do you think inherited this place?”
“Oh. Right.” Obviously. Trace was next in line since his older sister Linley had already passed away. For some reason, it hadn’t occurred to me that he’d already taken over. He just seemed too young to have such an enormous weight on his shoulders. Then again, Tessa and I had a similar experience when the Blackburn Estate had been left to us.
The heavy hand of sorrow pressed itself against my heart once again. So many lives had been lost that night. So many families ruined. My focus drifted to the center of the room—to the spot on the ground where Trace had taken his last breath. To the spot where Taylor’s lifeless body had been thrown. To the places that had haunted my memories for months since that terrible night. If I focused hard enough, I could almost see them laying on the ground again as though it had just happened yesterday…
My throat thickened with grief as I suppressed the tears that were aching to fall free. I hadn’t exactly had a chance to process the pain of being back in this place when I’d stormed in here the other night. I was too busy looking for Nikki. Too shocked from seeing Trace back from the dead.
But now, I had nothing but space and time to let the horror sink in all over again.
“Bottom’s up, Blackburn.” Caleb’s voice was low and grim. He knew exactly what I was thinking about and he wanted to erase it from both of our memories as quickly as possible.
I happily obliged, bringing the shot glass to my mouth and then tossing it back. And then another one.
And another one after that.
It wasn’t long before I’d lost complete count of how many shots Caleb and I had done together, but by the time the food made its way out of the kitchen, I was way too sloshed to even think about trying to eat.
I did however venture back to the table—using Caleb’s shoulder for support of course—as to not completely segregate myself (and Caleb) from his own birthday party.
“Hey, Jemma! I saved you a seat,” called Morgan, pointing to the chair beside her.
My eyebrows shot all the way up into my forehead as Nikki threw daggers at her from across the table.
“That’s new,” noted Caleb, whispering in my ear so that only the two of us could hear. “When did you two start being friends?”
Good question. “Just now I guess,” I said with a shrug and then shuffled off to my reserved seat next to my brand-new friend.
“Wow, lady!” Morgan waved her arm back and forth as though trying to disperse some invisible fumes. “Did you drink the whole refinery back there?”
I threw my head back and burst out laughing. I wasn’t sure why, but it sounded completely hilarious to me. “You are so damn funny, Morgan.”
“Am I now?” she asked, her eyes smiling at me as though she were being entertained by a three-year-old.
“Oh, yeah. Like super funny.”
She chuckled. “I think you’re super drunk, Jemma.”
“I know.” I grabbed a glass from the table and took a sip of it. I was relieved to find that it was just plain water. My mouth had started to feel numb with how much alcohol I had coursing through my system. I turned back to my new friend and beamed. “You know, you’re pretty alright, Morgan.”
“Thanks.” She laughed. “You’re alright, too.”
I nodded my agreement because I totes was. “I have to say, I don’t know why you were ever friends with Nikki,” I announced to her in full ear shot of everyone else at the table. “She really sucks an egg.”
Somebody spit something out of their mouth, though I didn’t bother turning around to see who it was. Frankly, I was far too unstable, physically speaking, to try to accomplish a feat like that.
“You should be friends with people who don’t suck. We all should,” I bellowed, swinging my glass of water around the table, gesturing to everyone as though I were giving a toast. “Life is hard enough for people like us without having to deal with people who suck. You know? Is that wine?” I asked Carly, reaching across the table to take her glass.
“Why don’t you let me have that, Blackburn,” said Caleb as he reached out and intercepted the glass from me. “Have a little more of that water. Or how about some coffee instead? Can I get some coffee over here?” he shouted to someone over his shoulder. Probably the waitress.
“I don’t want any boring coffee, Cale. I want to have fun. No one ever has fun anymore.”
“Were having fun,” answered Caleb, nodding into it as though trying to convince me of the lie.
“Oh, pleash. Don’t give me that crap,” I said, waving him off. “Everyone is miserable, and you know it. When did you all become so boring, huh?” I asked, glancing around the table now. Everyone stared back at me with blank faces. “Come on! You’re not dead, people. Well, you know, not anymore anyway…thanks to Nikki,” I added and then broke out into a completely inappropriate fit of laughter. “Get it? Not dead anymore.”
Radio. Silence.
“Are you done?” barked Nikki, her lips twisted into a nasty scowl.
My smile dropped from my face as I glared back at her. “I’ll be done when I’m good and ready to be done. I don’t take orders from you, Nikki Suck-An-Egg Parker. You got that?” I jabbed my finger in her general direction and nearly tumbled over the table in the process.
Caleb quickly swooped in and caught my waist, holding me upright before I could face-plant onto the table as Trace shot up from his chair like he was about to, I don’t know, jump across the table and catch me.
My eyes snapped to his, possibly for the first time all night, and my heart pummeled against my chest as though it were trying to beat its way out of my body. His forehead was creased, and his eyes were swirling with anger and worry and with something else. Something I couldn’t decipher even on my best day.
“It’s cool, I got this,” said Caleb to Trace, but Trace never relaxed a muscle. His fists were clenched at his sides as though he were working hard to keep himself from doing something. Though I had no idea what that something was.
“What are you looking at, Blue Eyes?” I meant for it to come out hard and biting, but it came out small and sad.
“Use the employee’s washroom,” ordered Trace, his jaw muscle ticking furiously. He was talking to Caleb, but his turbulent eyes were still fixed on mine.
“Oh, how kind of you,” I said, refusing to back down from the staring contest we were apparently in.
“Alright. Come on, Blackburn. Let’s get you sobered up,” said Caleb as he led me away from the table.
I followed willingly, though my drunken gaze remained transfixed on Trace, and his on mine, right up until I’d turned the corner and lost sight of him.
19. BATHROOM STORIES
“Damn, Blackburn. You really know how to turn a party up,” said Caleb, laughing as he lingered outside the employee’s washroom, his forearm pressed against the doorframe.
I groaned under my breath as I cupped my hands under the running water and splashed it onto my face. I felt as though I’d just gone from zero to a hundred and then right back again.
I shook my head at myself. “That Tequila burned right through me.”
“That’s one way to describe,” he said, still laughing.
As quickly as it had gone down, it had come right back up again. Of course, I blamed my empty stomach for it and not that fact that I couldn’t handle my liquor. I never blamed my liquor.
/> “How bad am I going to regret this tomorrow?” I asked as I wiped my face with a paper towel.
At the moment, I couldn’t gauge exactly what had gone down and while I felt fine about it, albeit a bit hazy, the look on Trace’s face coupled with the I-just-sucked-a-lemon look on Nikki’s made me wonder if I’d gone too far this time.
“Nah. You’re good, Blackburn.”
I looked at him through the mirror and tried to read his face. Apart from the fact that I was seeing two of him, he seemed sincere. Surely, he’d tell me if I’d made a total ass of myself. Wouldn’t he?
All the analyzing was beginning to give me a headache. I could feel a low-grade migraine starting to hack its way around the back of my head. I needed water. And Advil. And sleep. And Dominic, which reminded me…
“Did Dominic text me back?” I asked as I shot the paper towel into the waste bin.
He glanced down at my phone and shook his head. He’d held onto it for me while I was busy blowing junks into the toilet like the lady I was. “Nope.”
“Fucking perfect.”
He quirked his brow at me. “Trouble in paradise?”
Groaning, I whipped around and grabbed my phone out of his hand to double-check it for myself. I’d managed to charge it at the bar so there was more than enough juice to keep it going throughout the evening. No notifications.
Where the hell is he?
I’d made sure to text him this afternoon about my plans to go to All Saints and invited him to pass by for a drink. Dominic never passed on an opportunity to spend time with me. He should have already been here, or at the very least, texted me why he wasn’t. A bad feeling bogged itself into the pit of my stomach. Something was up. I could feel it.
“I need to go,” I announced hastily.
He laughed as though I’d said something funny. “Not like that you aren’t.”
“Like what?” I asked as I tried to slip my phone into my back pocket, missed the pocket and dropped my phone onto the floor instead.
Incarnate: A Dark Paranormal Romance (The Marked Saga Book 5) Page 15