I sigh and take the pen, drawing a random doodle into one corner. This is going to be one hell of a difficult letter.
Dear Arnold & Bertrand,
Thanks for the food. I’d prefer to stay here, I don’t want to see the guys.
Can you tell me what happened to me?
My symptoms are:
- Claws on my fingers and toes
- Changed eye colour (blue instead of brown) and hair colour (blonde highlights)
- Increased speed and strength
- Better eyesight and hearing
- Increased body temperature
- No appetite
I wonder if I should include my anger, but that might just be because of the bears’ betrayal. Maybe I’m interpreting too much into the rage that is still bubbling inside me. It might go away soon. Hopefully. I’m not used to this anger. I don’t know how to let it out, how to get rid of it.
I sigh, then I write down the question that’s been running through my head all day. And all night, to be honest.
Am I turning into a bear?
Isla
That question sounds so silly that I want to erase it as soon as I’ve written it. No sane person would ask whether they’re turning into a bear… unless they’ve been living with bears. I know they were all born as bear shifters, but in the werewolf stories in books people can be turned into wolves, so who says the same isn’t true for bears? The claws and eye colour change are definitely not normal. The other things I could probably explain away somehow, but claws… nah.
I put the letter into the basket, add the empty thermos and place it outside for Bertrand in case he comes again in the morning.
It’ll be hard not to stay up all night to wait for him to arrive. And then it’ll be another day to wait for the answer to come. Maybe I should just go back to their house to ask my questions. Much faster. But no. The image of Torben steals itself back into my mind and my anger comes forward, hot and intense. He made me into this… abomination. I’m no longer human, and I hate him for it.
Chapter 10
Just like yesterday, a knock on the door wakes me. This time, I don’t get up immediately but stay in bed. I want to make sure he’s gone before I open the door. I don’t want to see Bertrand or Arnold or any other bear. My dreams were filled with claws erupting from my hands, of fur covering my face. Once, I woke up screaming and ran to the bathroom to check in the mirror that I hadn’t indeed grown fur. Safe to say that I don’t want anything to do with bears today.
For once, I’m not feeling warm. I draw the blanket closer around me. The heat that’s been warming me for the past two days has gone. Maybe I’m becoming normal again? The human Isla I used to be?
After ten minutes, I can’t stay in bed any longer. I need to know what I got brought today. I run to the door and rip it open. The same basket is waiting for me and I happily carry it back into the bedroom. I wrap the blanket around me as I explore my new gifts. A letter is lying on top again, and below is tea, another sandwich and a book. A History of Bear People in the Northern Hemisphere. It looks old and well read. In my head, I promise them that I will look after this book as if it was my own. Books are precious and this one looks particularly important. I can’t wait to start reading, but I unfold the note first.
Dear Isla,
As you didn’t visit yesterday, I assume you want some time on your own. We accept that, but please note that our offer stands. Let me know if you need anything, whether it’s food, clothes or something else.
I’m sending you a book that has been in my family for a long time. You might find chapter eleven particularly interesting.
Best wishes,
Arnold
The kindness of what are effectively strangers makes me tear up. How do I deserve them looking after me like this?
Just below, someone else has scrawled a quick message.
No, you’re not turning into a bear. Read the book. It’s just the bond making itself known. It needs to be completed soon. B.
Now, that’s kind of ominous. And scary. And all sorts of other things.
Torben mentioned a bond before I ran away. Something about him thinking it would only be a mental bond rather than a physical one. Guess with physical he means the claws. I check my fingers to make sure they haven’t reappeared, but thankfully, my fingernails are looking very human. There’s dried blood around them though. Again. I must have had the claws out while I was sleeping. I really need to learn how to control them. It’s definitely tied to emotions, but how the heck am I supposed to repress them when I’m asleep? I don’t want to wake up after a nightmare with bloody scratches all over my body.
I should probably eat something, but even just looking at the sandwich makes my stomach roil. Maybe I’m getting ill? I’m feeling cold and achy all over. Maybe running around barefoot in the snow wasn’t such a good idea after all.
I open the book and inhale the scent of old dusty paper. There weren’t many books on Salvation Island, but the few we did have, I devoured. Reading was my refuge when everything else seemed bleak.
The font is old-fashioned and full of little flourishes. They make it pretty but also a lot harder to read. I rub my eyes and focus on the table of contents. The Birth of the Bears… Plants and Potions… The Great Ursine War… Dealing with Cubs… It seems this book is a collection of articles and essays by several writers, all dealing with aspects of bear shifter life.
Arnold mentioned chapter eleven. The Mating Call. That sounds very animalistic somehow, not very human. But I’ve now learned the hard way that my…ehm, the bears are nothing like normal humans. They are feral and driven by their instincts. Had Torben been human, he would likely not have done what he did. Or maybe he would have. Who knows. Right now, I feel like I don’t know the guys at all.
I flip to chapter eleven. A few stains mark the first page and notes have been scribbled in the margins. Someone has read this chapter extensively.
Trying to decipher the old writing and language, I read the first few pages, my eyes widening with every sentence. What. The. Fuck. This can’t be real. This isn’t happening. Not to me. Please not to me.
At some point, I can’t go on. I’m raging. Torben will suffer for this. He’s not only destroyed my life, he’s also gone against the laws of the bears. I’m not sure if he knows that, but I assume so. He may be looking for answers about their heritage, but that doesn’t mean he has no clue about bear life. Bear mating.
I jump out of bed and run outside. I need air. This is too much. I don’t want it. Can’t take it. I just want to rewind time and keep things as they were. Maybe I should have stayed with my uncle. Maybe the marriage wouldn’t have been that bad. Not as bad as … this.
Torben has killed me. I’m dying.
Nothing justifies that. No matter what arguments he will produce, I’m done with him. With all of them.
I start running, the freezing snow hurting the soles of my feet. All warmth has left me and now I know why. My body is shutting down. I’ve got a few more days, at most. Then I’ll die, alone. if I was desperate, I’d return to Arnold and Bertrand, just to die with other people around me. But I can’t. I need to do this on my own. The bears will force me to survive, and I can’t do that. I won’t give in. I won’t.
I stumble over something hidden beneath the snow and fall down, icy crystals cutting into my exposed skin. I stay in that position. Maybe lying in the snow will make it quicker. I remember how it felt when I was hypothermic on the ice, before I met the bears. I was peaceful. Dreamy. If those dogs hadn’t made me panic, I would have likely stayed and frozen to death.
The book didn’t say much about how I’ll die, but I imagine dying from cold might be nicer. I chuckle mirthlessly. I’m debating how I want to die. How sad is that.
I draw my knees close to my chest, making myself comfortable in the snow. It’s not as soft as it could be, but it’ll do. It won’t be long anyway. My body is weak already and I can feel the cold seeping into my bones. I’m sh
ivering all over, but I know that at some stage, it will stop. I’ll just have to get through that first phase.
I think of the bears, probably cosy somewhere in their new home. Bah, I shouldn’t be thinking of them. They’re not worth my last thoughts. Instead, I try to remember my parents. I was young when they died, and most of my memories are smells and feelings, not pictures. They drowned, trapped in their house when a tsunami hit. I was with my uncle and aunt when it happened, spending time on their farm. My parents wanted me to be around animals and nature for a week, but they had to work, so it was just me at my uncle’s house. They both worked at the hospital and the wards were already overcrowded with the victims of the last tsunami. They happened regularly back then, but none had been as bad as the one that killed them. Before, there had been more warnings. Not that time. They never had a chance to go to higher ground.
Tears are pooling in my eyes. I don’t think of my parents often. Knowing that I could have had a normal life instead of growing up with my uncle made me mad. Not sad. Angry. I never considered myself to be an angry person, but now that I think of it, I see that I have been angry most of my life.
Guess it’s true what they say. You think back over your life when you die. Not that I’m seeing images flash before my eyes or anything like that. I just…
I close my eyes and let my mind drift. Thinking is getting difficult. It won’t be long now.
* * *
Something wet and warm bumps against my cheek. I ignore it. I couldn’t move even if I wanted to. I’m frozen, a part of the landscape. My eyes are glued shut, but for some reason, my mind is suddenly wide awake. Something is different.
My thoughts are… It’s like the feeling of being watched, but inside my head. Like someone else is reading my thoughts. But that can’t be. Magic isn’t real.
Bears are magic.
Yes, maybe, but not that kind of magic. They may be able to shift, but that’s a physical thing, not like-
What? Am I talking to myself now?
Yes you are.
Perfect. I’ve gone crazy in my last few moments. Or maybe I’m already dead and this is a side effect?
Don’t be stupid.
Okay. Not dead then. My cheek is prodded again. Ouch. Pain means alive. Now I’ve got two pieces of evidence that say I’m not dead yet. Could the Grim Reaper please hurry up? I really don’t want to prolong this.
A growl close to my ear, must be a bear. Go away. I never want to see one of you again.
You don’t like bears?
The voice in my head has turned snippy. Very much unlike my own. Mmmhm… an angel, maybe? Preparing me for the afterlife?
Grow up.
Excuse me?! I’m an adult. Don’t belittle me.
Grown-ups don’t just lie down to die. They fight. They deal with their problems.
There are some problems that can’t be dealt with, I sigh internally.
True. But this one you can deal with.
What do you know? You’re just a weird figment of my imagination.
False. I am the problem.
Well, if you’re the problem, could you piss off and leave my head, pretty please?
I can’t. Not yet. But Bertrand is getting impatient. If you don’t open your eyes, he’s going to bite you to see if you’re still alive. I wouldn’t recommend that. I can feel your pain.
The bear nudging my cheek was Bertrand? That would make sense. And thank goodness it wasn’t one of the others. I didn’t want them there for my death.
Could you please stop with the dying talk? It’s getting boring.
It’s my right to think what I want. Now shut up. I refuse to go crazy.
Go crazy? You already are.
The growling has turned louder. I better do something about it. I blink open one eye, fighting against the tiredness that keeps me in its grip.
Good girl.
A panda is looking straight at me, his dark eyes reflecting the bright snow around us. Then he does something unexpected: he lies down next to me, pressing tight against my body. He’s trying to warm me, I think. I wish I could move so I could tell him to go away.
He says that help is on the way.
Brain, could you shut up, please? And how would you know that anyway?
I’m not your brain, silly. Now please stay alive until they come. I don’t want to lose my host as soon as I’ve found one.
Host? So you’re a parasite?
Not quite. She sounded upset. I thought you were clever. How long is it going to take you to figure it out?
I’m tired, I sighed mentally. Leave me alone. I don’t need a crazy brain tumour talking to me.
Pull yourself together, you silly human. Other people would be proud to have me on board. I’m one of the best, the strongest. You should bow to me, not call me a … parasite.
Okay, I’ve completely lost the plot now. Hopefully death will come soon. I don’t want my last moments filled with crazy thoughts.
But something is changing. I feel better. Stronger. How the hell is that happening? I’m still in the snow and despite the panda warming me, I’ve been in the snow for too long to recover suddenly. No, it’s something else.
He’s coming, the voice in my head says cheerfully. I’m finally going to meet my mate.
She sounds just as excited as I am horrified. Mate? Torben. He’s coming. He’s supposed to leave me alone. He’s done enough damage already.
I open my eyes again and it’s easy this time. Bertrand notices it and nudges me with his large paw. I move and he lets out a happy growl. If a bear growl can be happy, that is. It could mean a lot of other things as well.
No, he’s happy.
I’m getting warmer and the cold is slowly pushed out of my body. I can feel my muscles soften and the shivers stop. I no longer feel like I’m dying. On the contrary, I feel very much alive. But that shouldn’t be possible. The book said that an incomplete bond would kill the human.
You should have read the whole chapter.
How was I supposed to be able to read on after it told me that Torben had killed me?
Not just you. Himself too. Look at him.
Muffled noises are coming closer. The snow swallows most sounds but when I sit up a little, I see five bears running towards me. Torben is behind the others, having trouble to keep up. The closer he gets, the more I can see the change. His pure white fur has turned yellow and dull, his movements are slow and unsteady. He’s running, but it looks like he won’t be able to do it for much longer. He’s become weak.
Just like me. Is the incomplete bond hurting him as well?
That thought makes my head spin. It means things are very different from what I thought. I close my eyes and sink back to the ground. I want to understand, but nothing makes sense. The book…
They shouldn’t have given that to you. They should have let me explain.
You? You’re my mind which means you know just as much as I do. And now that I’m feeling better, could you please disappear? I already talk to my ovaries, I don’t need an imaginary friend as well.
Don’t worry, you don’t need to come up with a name for me. I already have one.
I sigh. Seriously?
I’m Alis, nice to meet you.
Yeah, right. My brain has given itself a name. Real mature.
A wet bear snout touches my cheek and warm breath is blown over my face. Yucky.
I look up into Torben’s black bear eyes. They are so full of emotion, even in his shifted form. I don’t know what to think. He looks weak and exhausted, I want to cuddle him, but no, that would be wrong, I’m angry at him. Furious. I should stick to my anger and stay away from the pity and sympathy that’s creeping up on me.
What have you done to him? My inner voice has turned shrill and panicked.
Me? Nothing. The question is, what has he done to both of us?
You need to complete the bond, he’s closer to death than you are.
And whose fault is that? I kind of want to scream that
question, but then they’d think I was even crazier than they already do.
Torben nuzzles my throat, sniffing me as if to make sure that I’m still here. That I’m still alive. Silly bear.
“You shouldn’t have come,” I whisper. “I’m still mad at you.”
He snorts.
He says he’s mad at you as well. But he likes me… Oh my, he really likes me!
“Don’t look,” Finn says from behind me. “I’m naked.”
Bonnie and Clyde tell me to turn around. I kind of want to as well. It’s so very tempting, but Torben’s sad eyes save me from the embarrassment. He looks so vulnerable and ill that I want to reach up and cuddle him - until my anger comes back and reminds me why that would be a bad idea. He’s hurt me. He almost killed me. Maybe he will still. I have no idea why I’m suddenly feeling better, and who knows if it will stay this way.
“Okay, now you can look. We just wanted to have one of us human to communicate with you.” Finn sounds relieved but also a bit unsure about how to approach me. I left in a rush and never spoke to the other guys. Only to Torben, and then ran as fast as I could. I don’t know what they’re thinking of me. Are they mad at me? Or at their leader? Disappointed? Sad?
I have no idea. My head is spinning with all the stuff happening just now. A weird voice in my head, a naked man behind me, a sick polar bear standing above me and I’m still snuggled against a panda. My life has become very weird.
Chapter 11
The silence is driving me crazy. Nobody is speaking, everyone is staring into the flames or onto the floor. I’m no longer cold, in fact, I’m hot enough to be almost feverish. I roll up my sleeves but with the fire warming the room, it won’t make much difference. I could probably be sitting here naked and still feel hot.
Shifters Gone Wild; Collection Page 10